I’m glad that you talked to her about counseling. I think a lot of people don’t really understand what counseling is or what it’s like. Convincing her to make it work won’t actually change anything and the counselor will know that, so they’re much more likely to just help you two to communicate better and find the things that will help reignite the spark/love, which would make both of you happier. It’s good that you took the time to reflect on her response, too, rather than just being upset about it.  Lots of times people feel the way they are feeling for what they think are good reasons, when they really might not fully understand something, so another conversation about how counseling is beneficial might help. Even if she just commits to going maybe 2 or 3 times (because the first time will be an initial intake and not true counseling) and can get a feel for what it would be like. Tell her she can literally tell the counselor that she does not want to be convinced to make it work. The counselor wants to hear exactly what she’s thinking and feeling. Then she might feel more comfortable with the idea.

You might also need to ease into the charmingness/flirtiness because it MIGHT feel a little fake to her if it was sort of an abrupt change or if she isn’t used to you doing that anymore. It’s sort of something that gradually needs to be worked up to as she responds more.  I have an ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago that has sort of been seemingly trying to win me back because he flirts in that way, tries to be playful like we used to be (we’re still friends), and it just feels super weird to me. haha. So I get how that might make her feel.  The date nights are good though, especially if there is anything you know she loves to do in particular. Do those things… or things you two haven’t tried yet but maybe always wanted to. Fun, new experiences help people to grow closer. I’m a little surprised she declined a vacation but she may not be ready for that if she’s feeling really distant, so just plan little fun things, not too overboard and no grand gestures because that can make it seem like you’re trying TOO hard… just do the little things. Those are the ones that count, especially the little things she likes.  Like maybe instead of flowers, if you know she has a favorite food from a restaurant or snack or dessert, pick that up for her and surprise her with it (but make sure she hasn’t already made dinner. haha). Things like that. If you notice anything you could do that would make her day easier (like the dishes or something), do that. Those are the things she will appreciate, and appreciation leads to all sorts of good feelings.

I totally understand why you feel like you’re wearing thin, going through all of this, but hang in there. You guys have a chance to turn things around, but it’s not going to happen immediately. You have to rebuild brick by brick, so that’s also why any abrupt changes (or any that FEEL abrupt to her) or grand gestures are going to feel forced or fake. Just pay attention to the little things, do the little things, plan the little dates, and eventually you can work up to the big things and the flirting and all of that but not until she starts responding more to it. You know what I mean?

Otherwise, your short-term goals sound great. She’s probably tired of that conversation altogether and it just reminds her of how she’s feeling right now, which will reinforce that feeling.  If she can talk to someone else about everything, she will likely feel a lot better, but in the meantime, just keep working on you and do little things for her that she’ll appreciate. Think positive and keep your outlook focused in a positive direction. I agree with having a conversation with her about owing it to yourself and the kids but maybe wait a little bit if she’s already tired of talking about it. Give her a breather and maybe she can be headed into a more positive space with her feelings towards you before you have that conversation, especially if she hasn’t totally given up yet. You have a little time before that conversation needs to happen.

Good luck! I have lots of hope for you guys. I believe things can get much better for both of you, it’s just going to take some time and can’t be rushed.

First, I want to congratulate you on your making a decision to better yourself and going to therapy to help! That says a lot about you and I hope you feel proud of yourself for that because it’s definitely a great thing.

I’m pretty sure my ex-boyfriend did what you think your wife might now be doing… he was miserable in general, he wasn’t happy with his job, his health, his level of success, etc., but it seems he blamed me and our relationship for his unhappiness rather than everything else, thinking everything could change if he was by himself or even with someone else, then he would be happy… but people can’t find true, lasting happiness from outside sources. Any happiness found that way is temporary.

So anyway, it sort of sounds like your wife also might be struggling with how her life changed after the kids, too, not just any frustration she may have had with you, especially if she’s talking about wanting to find herself…. but she isn’t going to find whatever it is she’s looking for outside of herself. She needs to learn to BE the things she thinks she needs to look for because finding those things in someone else is only temporary (especially inspiration… she needs to figure out how to inspire herself). It might actually be beneficial for her to go to therapy, as well, especially since she’s being hostile and nasty. That tells me there’s more there to her feelings that she needs to work through.

It doesn’t sound like there was really any sort of betrayal that got in the way and instead it was just life stressing you both out and pulling you apart, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back together again.  I also think it’s quite normal that her feeling haven’t completely changed since you’ve turned yourself around, because those things take time… QUALITY time. She fell in love with you for a reason, so she just needs to be reminded of that reason. You’re going to have to treat it like you’re trying to win her all over again with the dates and whatever else you did to win her heart the first time. That love is still in there somewhere, it just needs to be reactivated.

Do you think she would ever consider marriage counseling? Marriage is a commitment made to work through anything, including falling out of love, so even if she isn’t sure whether or not she wants to work through things, it’s worth a shot to at least try and see how things go, especially with kids involved.  I have been coparenting a split home for 13 years now, and it is NOT fun or easy. So at the very least, hopefully she will at least try for the kids. That’s so important.

Reina, if I were you, given the short timeline of your relationship, I would just let this one go completely. Sometimes they say they want to be friends just because they feel like it softens the blow and other times they do mean it, but it’s kind of hard to stay friends with an ex, especially so soon after a breakup. Being friends right now wouldn’t be helpful for you either, since you’re currently having trouble letting go. Talking to him often would likely only make you want to hold onto him even more, so it’s usually best to wait until you’re completely over someone before maintaining a friendship.

I should also add on that if he is having a really difficult time over personal issues in his life that this behavior may be a result of, I would factor that in, too. Definitely still talk to him about how this makes you feel, but if it’s something that would likely stop altogether once his personal issues resolve, that’s something to factor in if you reevaluate the relationship, but also, in that case, he should also get counseling or possibly some sort of help to resolve the personal issues faster, depending on what they are and if he has any.

Good for you for focusing on your girlfriend! And good luck on the getaway trip!  Maybe doing things like that more often will help you feel better about everything, too, because you love doing those things so much. I hope both you and your girlfriend have a great time! Enjoy it!

Claire, I really think you need to put yourself in his shoes. What would you do if one of your parents or someone you were really close to was diagnosed with cancer? Your boyfriend is no doubt going through a LOT right now, and part of the job of a girlfriend and especially a wife is to be understanding of that and to put your own wants aside when things like this happen. It sounds like you are thinking more about how all of this is affecting you rather than how your boyfriend’s father’s illness is affecting him, and that is where most of your anxiety is coming from.

Life events don’t always happen on a desired timeline and things will come up that disrupt plans. When truly serious things like this come up, empathy is so, so very important. You just have to be as supportive and understanding as you can while he gets through this, which means putting your plans on the backburner. If you can’t do that and keep pushing him to put your wishes over his dying father’s, it’s likely you’re going to lose him. If you CAN be supportive and put HIS needs over yours, this is your chance to show him what a wonderful and supportive wife you could be.

As far as his mom, I’m sure they will figure that out. Chances are they will sell the bigger house and move her into a smaller place, but that’s for them to decide later on, when the time comes.

Hi Sophie. My ex broke up with me for pretty much the same reason, although it seems he was also going through a depressive episode and had a lot of personal, emotional, and physical issues he’d been going through at the time and I was not the only person he pushed away at the time, so I’m sure that contributed. But overall, it was basically that he was unhappy with his life as it was and needed to change it and couldn’t do that while he was with me (and I’m sure he blamed me for part of his unhappiness while in that depressive state, whether I was actually a cause or not, just because I was the one he was closest to, so his relationship with me needed to change, too). Otherwise, we had a happy, loving relationship. But he wanted to go, so I let him go. That was a little over a year ago.

I tell you this because sometimes that’s really the reason…. he just really needs a change and to figure out whatever it is that makes him happy. Your boyfriend is 22, right? Just out of college. He knows his life is about to change in general and he’s probably not completely sure what he wants to do with himself and he’s probably slightly panicking and maybe wants to explore what he wants outside of everything else he’s known in the past (which includes you).  The only thing you can do at this point is to just let him go. Don’t let him put you on the back-burner and don’t wait around for him.  The quicker you can move forward and do your own exploring, too, the better. Take this time to learn new things, pick up some new hobbies, meet new people, and figure out what you really want, too, and if you really are meant to be together, you will find your way back to each other when the time is right… after both of you have had a chance to grow and know more of what you want, what makes you happy, and also once he feels more confident in his life in general. Time apart to grow individually can sometimes really strengthen relationships, no matter how long that time ends up being, but don’t rule out other options. He’s all you’ve ever known, too, so for all you know, there could be someone out there that could be an even better fit for you than he was… you just might not have met him yet.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

John, I totally agree with Anita that this thread is keeping you stuck. Commenting here has even drawn me a little backwards in dealing with my feelings for my ex, so I am going to back off on commenting, too, because I agree that it’s hurting more than it’s helping.

I also like the example she used because people really do often do this same kind of pining with material items they think they just HAVE to have to be happy and then once they get them, they find they are happy for a bit and then their feelings level back to their baseline. Think about something you might have done that with in the past and how you felt once you got it and for how long.

It really is just the FEELINGS she gave you that you are after, and I totally believe it’s possible to find that connection with someone else and those feelings in other things. So while you don’t have to give up the hope of feeling like that again at some point, you should give up the desire to find those feelings specifically with your ex. She isn’t the only channel that you can get those feelings through.

I honestly think, instead of venting here, you should consider going back to counseling where you can have an active dialogue with someone in person who can help you figure out what techniques will work for you…. maybe even a counselor who can give some classical conditioning techniques to help retrain your pattern of thought… OR maybe just not talking about it with anyone for a little while might help.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.