You’re welcome!

And yep, I would just try to relax and go with the flow. You seem to be putting a lot of weight on things that really aren’t so significant (like whether or not a joke really makes you laugh… it’s okay if you’re faking a polite laugh sometimes. That’s normal).  The important thing that you recognize is that you two are good together, you have a lot in common, and you truly enjoy spending time together… any issues that pop up should pale in comparison to that because that kind of relationship is quite hard to find these days, and the problems or doubts that pop up will likely happen in literally any romantic relationship you get into, so moving on to someone else won’t change those either over time… so the GOOD things about your relationship are really important and a good reason to stay with her specifically.

Once you get a job, you will probably have less time to overthink things, so I’m sure that’ll help too. And in the meantime, find a hobby you’re passionate about! That’ll benefit your life in more ways than one! 🙂

I think the easiest way to deal with guilt and regret from mistakes is to learn the lesson from them that they can teach you. You cannot go back in time and fix the mistake, but if you learn from it, at least it served a good purpose.

You said that you would never have done it if you were sober, right? So maybe the lesson here is to not get really really drunk. Ever. Because it causes you to act in ways that are out of character for you. So you can easily prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again just by staying sober (or even only getting a buzz and that’s it, if you like drinking… but make sure you’re able to limit yourself. Some people have a hard time with that). I’ve had to learn this exact lesson myself. I didn’t kiss anyone other than a boyfriend, but I did end up with a kid with a friend from a one-night stand (COMPLETELY out of character for me). haha. So I had to learn pretty much the same lesson… don’t get super drunk. I can go out and have a drink or two and then I just switch to water or orange juice (orange juice is good because you don’t get pressure from others to drink because it just looks like you’re drinking a screwdriver). An awesome bonus is then you feel great the next day.

So anyway…. allow yourself to accept that you are human and you made a mistake that hurt someone. You acknowledge what you did was wrong and you also know a great way to prevent that mistake from happening again. That is so, sooo much better than those people who make mistakes but have no regrets or cares about who they hurt. THOSE are the people that are terrible and don’t deserve to be with good people. You are completely different. You clearly have felt terrible about it for long enough and I think it’d be okay for you to just let go of that regret and move on from it now. Just make a vow to yourself to not get so drunk ever again.

Do you think part of you might be afraid of a deeper commitment or what comes with a deep commitment, now that you’ve finished the service and are together more often?

Sometimes the idea alone of that kind of commitment can be scary because the harder you fall, the more it hurts if something should happen to break you apart, so our minds (egos) tend to try to protect us by filling our heads with doubts and worries, even when everything else is going really well. It creates a fear response as a way to protect us from potential future pain, even when you’re happy with the relationship itself.

Did you also just get out of the service 2 months ago? If so, has your life changed a lot in that time? If you’ve been having to go through a big adjustment in other parts of your life, that might be part of it as well. Like you said, when things started feeling wrong, you instantly related it to her, but nothing might actually be wrong but just different.. but it might feel wrong to your mind because different is often uncomfortable and our minds sort of attach to what we know, so different often feels bad unless it’s an obvious good change. SO, if you’re experiencing a life change altogether that requires a big adjustment to what your life was like before, it could bring on these feelings and anxieties as well, even when nothing is actually wrong. Again, this is our mind’s attempt to protect us from pain by making us freak out (super counterproductive. haha).

If what I’m saying sounds to you like it could be right, try to meditate. Just simple meditation where you breath in and out slowly, counting to 10 in and 10 back out, try to let the thoughts pass through your mind as they come without really thinking much on them so that you can sort of quiet your mind and just keep shifting your thoughts back to focusing on your breathing.  Do this for like 10-20 minutes twice a day if you can.  Meditation has been proven in studies to be calming for mild anxieties and the extra focus and clarity that comes with doing it can help you sort of get past that voice in your head that is afraid and making you want to freak out and through to the calmness of your heart.

She’s clear in what she wants, but unclear on how to achieve it, whether it’s something that we can achieve together, and whether she can get over the pain she’s been through and feel the same way about me/us. Well, she’s either confused and truly doesn’t know, which is what she says, or she has made up her mind and is afraid to admit it to me and/or herself, which she said is not the case.

I’m kind of wondering if even reading a self-help book or two might help, especially if she really doesn’t want to go to therapy.  She can get what she is thinking she needs while still in a relationship with you, because most of what she’s looking for is already in herself, she just needs to bring it out. Some time and space to think, like Anita suggested, might help with that, too.

Maybe take a look at some of Kerwin Rae’s stuff and see what you think. He has a lot of videos on his Facebook page and his advice is geared towards entrepreneurs, but it’s great general life advice, too.  I’m going to have to put some more thought into this to remember the exact books or teachers that are really helpful, but I know there are some really good ones that teach how to find what you’re looking for by BEING what you’re looking for rather than trying to find it from an outside source, and that would probably be really helpful for your wife. If she knows that she can stay married and yet still find her happiness and inspiration, that might ease her mind.  I love Kyle Cease, too, but he might be a little “out there,” for some. haha. You can check into him too and see what you think, though.

You’re welcome! And being patient is definitely hard. I still struggle with it sometimes, too. I think our minds tend to want to rush things so that we can get back into our “comfort zone” and a lot of times, we then attempt to control a situation that can’t really be controlled, and that ends up making things worse. So it’s important to be mindful, don’t rush, don’t push, don’t try to control the situation (not that you’re controlling but we all have trouble going with the flow, and any time you’re not going with the flow, you’re trying to control), just keep working on yourself and making a nice, gradual effort with your wife wherever you can. Staying positive and keeping a good outlook on the situation is important, too. I disagree with Anita’s assessment that she’s only looking for inspiration to leave, but the fact is that neither of us know your wife, so either one of us could be right or wrong… however, you DO know your wife, so if you think your wife hasn’t made that decision in her mind yet, it’s likely she hasn’t. I think you can trust your own assessment here.

Your wife might also be a little resistant to therapy because of the stigma it still has around it, but hopefully in years to come, people will realize how helpful it is.  I really think almost everyone should go at some point, even just for a short time, to learn healthy coping skills and communication.  That’s always been one of my strong suits and I STILL learned a lot by going to therapy. haha.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Valora.

I’m glad that you talked to her about counseling. I think a lot of people don’t really understand what counseling is or what it’s like. Convincing her to make it work won’t actually change anything and the counselor will know that, so they’re much more likely to just help you two to communicate better and find the things that will help reignite the spark/love, which would make both of you happier. It’s good that you took the time to reflect on her response, too, rather than just being upset about it.  Lots of times people feel the way they are feeling for what they think are good reasons, when they really might not fully understand something, so another conversation about how counseling is beneficial might help. Even if she just commits to going maybe 2 or 3 times (because the first time will be an initial intake and not true counseling) and can get a feel for what it would be like. Tell her she can literally tell the counselor that she does not want to be convinced to make it work. The counselor wants to hear exactly what she’s thinking and feeling. Then she might feel more comfortable with the idea.

You might also need to ease into the charmingness/flirtiness because it MIGHT feel a little fake to her if it was sort of an abrupt change or if she isn’t used to you doing that anymore. It’s sort of something that gradually needs to be worked up to as she responds more.  I have an ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago that has sort of been seemingly trying to win me back because he flirts in that way, tries to be playful like we used to be (we’re still friends), and it just feels super weird to me. haha. So I get how that might make her feel.  The date nights are good though, especially if there is anything you know she loves to do in particular. Do those things… or things you two haven’t tried yet but maybe always wanted to. Fun, new experiences help people to grow closer. I’m a little surprised she declined a vacation but she may not be ready for that if she’s feeling really distant, so just plan little fun things, not too overboard and no grand gestures because that can make it seem like you’re trying TOO hard… just do the little things. Those are the ones that count, especially the little things she likes.  Like maybe instead of flowers, if you know she has a favorite food from a restaurant or snack or dessert, pick that up for her and surprise her with it (but make sure she hasn’t already made dinner. haha). Things like that. If you notice anything you could do that would make her day easier (like the dishes or something), do that. Those are the things she will appreciate, and appreciation leads to all sorts of good feelings.

I totally understand why you feel like you’re wearing thin, going through all of this, but hang in there. You guys have a chance to turn things around, but it’s not going to happen immediately. You have to rebuild brick by brick, so that’s also why any abrupt changes (or any that FEEL abrupt to her) or grand gestures are going to feel forced or fake. Just pay attention to the little things, do the little things, plan the little dates, and eventually you can work up to the big things and the flirting and all of that but not until she starts responding more to it. You know what I mean?

Otherwise, your short-term goals sound great. She’s probably tired of that conversation altogether and it just reminds her of how she’s feeling right now, which will reinforce that feeling.  If she can talk to someone else about everything, she will likely feel a lot better, but in the meantime, just keep working on you and do little things for her that she’ll appreciate. Think positive and keep your outlook focused in a positive direction. I agree with having a conversation with her about owing it to yourself and the kids but maybe wait a little bit if she’s already tired of talking about it. Give her a breather and maybe she can be headed into a more positive space with her feelings towards you before you have that conversation, especially if she hasn’t totally given up yet. You have a little time before that conversation needs to happen.

Good luck! I have lots of hope for you guys. I believe things can get much better for both of you, it’s just going to take some time and can’t be rushed.

First, I want to congratulate you on your making a decision to better yourself and going to therapy to help! That says a lot about you and I hope you feel proud of yourself for that because it’s definitely a great thing.

I’m pretty sure my ex-boyfriend did what you think your wife might now be doing… he was miserable in general, he wasn’t happy with his job, his health, his level of success, etc., but it seems he blamed me and our relationship for his unhappiness rather than everything else, thinking everything could change if he was by himself or even with someone else, then he would be happy… but people can’t find true, lasting happiness from outside sources. Any happiness found that way is temporary.

So anyway, it sort of sounds like your wife also might be struggling with how her life changed after the kids, too, not just any frustration she may have had with you, especially if she’s talking about wanting to find herself…. but she isn’t going to find whatever it is she’s looking for outside of herself. She needs to learn to BE the things she thinks she needs to look for because finding those things in someone else is only temporary (especially inspiration… she needs to figure out how to inspire herself). It might actually be beneficial for her to go to therapy, as well, especially since she’s being hostile and nasty. That tells me there’s more there to her feelings that she needs to work through.

It doesn’t sound like there was really any sort of betrayal that got in the way and instead it was just life stressing you both out and pulling you apart, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back together again.  I also think it’s quite normal that her feeling haven’t completely changed since you’ve turned yourself around, because those things take time… QUALITY time. She fell in love with you for a reason, so she just needs to be reminded of that reason. You’re going to have to treat it like you’re trying to win her all over again with the dates and whatever else you did to win her heart the first time. That love is still in there somewhere, it just needs to be reactivated.

Do you think she would ever consider marriage counseling? Marriage is a commitment made to work through anything, including falling out of love, so even if she isn’t sure whether or not she wants to work through things, it’s worth a shot to at least try and see how things go, especially with kids involved.  I have been coparenting a split home for 13 years now, and it is NOT fun or easy. So at the very least, hopefully she will at least try for the kids. That’s so important.

Reina, if I were you, given the short timeline of your relationship, I would just let this one go completely. Sometimes they say they want to be friends just because they feel like it softens the blow and other times they do mean it, but it’s kind of hard to stay friends with an ex, especially so soon after a breakup. Being friends right now wouldn’t be helpful for you either, since you’re currently having trouble letting go. Talking to him often would likely only make you want to hold onto him even more, so it’s usually best to wait until you’re completely over someone before maintaining a friendship.