Every fiber of your being might want to contact him right now and it might feel wrong if you don’t, but I still wouldn’t. I agree with what the others have said. You two really haven’t been broken up all that long, and you’d said you weren’t happy. Has anything really changed in that short amount of time? If the things that broke you up haven’t been fixed yet, they will eventually break you again, so it’s super, super important that you two have both fixed your issues first so that if you DO get back together, you won’t have the same problems.

We went on our weekend trip together on the 21st.  It was fun, however we did get into another big fight on the first night towards the end of the night.  I don’t understand why we fight so much?  I don’t know if it’s something that I try to trigger subconsciously. Like if I really don’t want to be with her  and I am trying to get her to have “enough”?  or what?  But dang, it seems like we still fight over stupid shit every day.

I really, really think it’s simply because you aren’t compatible with your girlfriend. I think you’re trying to sort of force a relationship that is ultimately just going to fail because you truly aren’t right for each other, just based on what you’ve said. I don’t even think it has anything to do with your feelings for your ex. Your current girlfriend just doesn’t seem like a good match for you…. and that’s okay. Not every two people are going to be able to make a relationship work. Compatibility really is a big deal!

I think you would do much better if you left your current relationship and just stay single until you get everything in your life back to where you are feeling happy, financially secure, and whole and then find someone who has their life together and will be able to do the things that you enjoy doing, going on the trips, doing the fun outings, and being with someone you have more in common with (someone who doesn’t drink so much and wants to eat healthy foods, for example) and there would be much, much less fighting that way. It also sounds like your girlfriend is quite co-dependent (otherwise, she would NOT have put up with you putting her second to your ex in the past), which is not at healthy in a relationship and it’s not sustainable. Have you ever felt suffocated while with her? That would be why.

As for your ex, I’m proud of you for deciding to just not respond and block her. She deserves it, and who knows what she’s trying to do but until she literally comes to you and says “I want to work things out and try again,” nothing else she does matters and it’s all just messing with your head, so it’s better to just leave that alone unless she starts clearly and actively trying to get back together and proves to you that she has grown and changed. Right now, it sounds like she’s still being pretty passive aggressive with the “what, we can’t be friends now??” after you didn’t reply for several hours, and that’s really quite immature.  My ex actually contacted me right before the holidays, too, asking if I still had something of his. Turns out I did and he was going to come get it and then hasn’t. haha. He wished me Merry Christmas, and I haven’t heard from him since. So who knows why they do the things they do, but it’s best to just not even try to figure it out. If your ex decides she wants you back, she needs to be DIRECT and to just come out and say it. Until then, just let whatever she does roll right off your shoulders and try not to give it a second thought.

Now, back to your current relationship, I think you just probably need to be honest with yourself and you could answer your own questions. Meditate on it if you must, but given everything you’ve said here, I think you know how you really feel about your current relationship, and I think you would feel this way with this women whether you’d dated your ex or not. It’s ultimately up to you to decide if that’s how you feel, though, because I’m basically just a stranger on the internet, forming my opinion only off of what you’ve told us. So do some soul searching here and don’t feel bad about it if you decide this isn’t the right relationship for you. It doesn’t mean you didn’t try to make it work and it doesn’t mean you’ve tried to purposely sabotage it because of your ex… it just means you aren’t a match. So you’d simply be freeing yourself up to find a better fit for you AND your girlfriend would be free to find someone who is a better fit for her, but she probably needs to work on some of her issues first. I do think it’d be good to try to help your ex get back on her feet though, even so you’ll feel better about having to leave the relationship if that’s what you decide to do, at least you’ll know she’s on somewhat solid footing… and staying that way after that will be up to her and not on you, so if you DO break up, make it a clean break and cut contact once you go your separate ways.

I think you are going to always have love for your ex…. but you will know when you’re in the right relationship when the love for your woman in that relationship surpasses the love you feel for your ex. It’d eventually happen if you stay single and don’t commit until you find that person, but it won’t happen if you’re tied up in the wrong relationship and trying to scoop water out of a sinking ship. Know what I mean?

You’re welcome!

And yep, I would just try to relax and go with the flow. You seem to be putting a lot of weight on things that really aren’t so significant (like whether or not a joke really makes you laugh… it’s okay if you’re faking a polite laugh sometimes. That’s normal).  The important thing that you recognize is that you two are good together, you have a lot in common, and you truly enjoy spending time together… any issues that pop up should pale in comparison to that because that kind of relationship is quite hard to find these days, and the problems or doubts that pop up will likely happen in literally any romantic relationship you get into, so moving on to someone else won’t change those either over time… so the GOOD things about your relationship are really important and a good reason to stay with her specifically.

Once you get a job, you will probably have less time to overthink things, so I’m sure that’ll help too. And in the meantime, find a hobby you’re passionate about! That’ll benefit your life in more ways than one! 🙂

I think the easiest way to deal with guilt and regret from mistakes is to learn the lesson from them that they can teach you. You cannot go back in time and fix the mistake, but if you learn from it, at least it served a good purpose.

You said that you would never have done it if you were sober, right? So maybe the lesson here is to not get really really drunk. Ever. Because it causes you to act in ways that are out of character for you. So you can easily prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again just by staying sober (or even only getting a buzz and that’s it, if you like drinking… but make sure you’re able to limit yourself. Some people have a hard time with that). I’ve had to learn this exact lesson myself. I didn’t kiss anyone other than a boyfriend, but I did end up with a kid with a friend from a one-night stand (COMPLETELY out of character for me). haha. So I had to learn pretty much the same lesson… don’t get super drunk. I can go out and have a drink or two and then I just switch to water or orange juice (orange juice is good because you don’t get pressure from others to drink because it just looks like you’re drinking a screwdriver). An awesome bonus is then you feel great the next day.

So anyway…. allow yourself to accept that you are human and you made a mistake that hurt someone. You acknowledge what you did was wrong and you also know a great way to prevent that mistake from happening again. That is so, sooo much better than those people who make mistakes but have no regrets or cares about who they hurt. THOSE are the people that are terrible and don’t deserve to be with good people. You are completely different. You clearly have felt terrible about it for long enough and I think it’d be okay for you to just let go of that regret and move on from it now. Just make a vow to yourself to not get so drunk ever again.

Do you think part of you might be afraid of a deeper commitment or what comes with a deep commitment, now that you’ve finished the service and are together more often?

Sometimes the idea alone of that kind of commitment can be scary because the harder you fall, the more it hurts if something should happen to break you apart, so our minds (egos) tend to try to protect us by filling our heads with doubts and worries, even when everything else is going really well. It creates a fear response as a way to protect us from potential future pain, even when you’re happy with the relationship itself.

Did you also just get out of the service 2 months ago? If so, has your life changed a lot in that time? If you’ve been having to go through a big adjustment in other parts of your life, that might be part of it as well. Like you said, when things started feeling wrong, you instantly related it to her, but nothing might actually be wrong but just different.. but it might feel wrong to your mind because different is often uncomfortable and our minds sort of attach to what we know, so different often feels bad unless it’s an obvious good change. SO, if you’re experiencing a life change altogether that requires a big adjustment to what your life was like before, it could bring on these feelings and anxieties as well, even when nothing is actually wrong. Again, this is our mind’s attempt to protect us from pain by making us freak out (super counterproductive. haha).

If what I’m saying sounds to you like it could be right, try to meditate. Just simple meditation where you breath in and out slowly, counting to 10 in and 10 back out, try to let the thoughts pass through your mind as they come without really thinking much on them so that you can sort of quiet your mind and just keep shifting your thoughts back to focusing on your breathing.  Do this for like 10-20 minutes twice a day if you can.  Meditation has been proven in studies to be calming for mild anxieties and the extra focus and clarity that comes with doing it can help you sort of get past that voice in your head that is afraid and making you want to freak out and through to the calmness of your heart.

She’s clear in what she wants, but unclear on how to achieve it, whether it’s something that we can achieve together, and whether she can get over the pain she’s been through and feel the same way about me/us. Well, she’s either confused and truly doesn’t know, which is what she says, or she has made up her mind and is afraid to admit it to me and/or herself, which she said is not the case.

I’m kind of wondering if even reading a self-help book or two might help, especially if she really doesn’t want to go to therapy.  She can get what she is thinking she needs while still in a relationship with you, because most of what she’s looking for is already in herself, she just needs to bring it out. Some time and space to think, like Anita suggested, might help with that, too.

Maybe take a look at some of Kerwin Rae’s stuff and see what you think. He has a lot of videos on his Facebook page and his advice is geared towards entrepreneurs, but it’s great general life advice, too.  I’m going to have to put some more thought into this to remember the exact books or teachers that are really helpful, but I know there are some really good ones that teach how to find what you’re looking for by BEING what you’re looking for rather than trying to find it from an outside source, and that would probably be really helpful for your wife. If she knows that she can stay married and yet still find her happiness and inspiration, that might ease her mind.  I love Kyle Cease, too, but he might be a little “out there,” for some. haha. You can check into him too and see what you think, though.

You’re welcome! And being patient is definitely hard. I still struggle with it sometimes, too. I think our minds tend to want to rush things so that we can get back into our “comfort zone” and a lot of times, we then attempt to control a situation that can’t really be controlled, and that ends up making things worse. So it’s important to be mindful, don’t rush, don’t push, don’t try to control the situation (not that you’re controlling but we all have trouble going with the flow, and any time you’re not going with the flow, you’re trying to control), just keep working on yourself and making a nice, gradual effort with your wife wherever you can. Staying positive and keeping a good outlook on the situation is important, too. I disagree with Anita’s assessment that she’s only looking for inspiration to leave, but the fact is that neither of us know your wife, so either one of us could be right or wrong… however, you DO know your wife, so if you think your wife hasn’t made that decision in her mind yet, it’s likely she hasn’t. I think you can trust your own assessment here.

Your wife might also be a little resistant to therapy because of the stigma it still has around it, but hopefully in years to come, people will realize how helpful it is.  I really think almost everyone should go at some point, even just for a short time, to learn healthy coping skills and communication.  That’s always been one of my strong suits and I STILL learned a lot by going to therapy. haha.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.