I think you should just make a clean break of it and just tell him that you want to end it, that he is married now and should put his focus on his wife. And then you can go find someone who will want to be with just you, as well. It will probably be awkward at work for a while, but I think just stopping will be a lot less awkward or painful than slowing down with intentions of eventually stopping would. I think that would just drag everything out.

First, I think you should ask yourself if you want to be with someone you have to share or if you would rather be in a relationship with someone who is with you and only you. If you want the latter, I think you should definitely, definitely cut all romantic ties with this man. He may have been pressured, by family but it was still ultimately his choice to go through with the marriage.

If you don’t mind sharing a man with another woman, does his wife know about you two? Because if not, that is a whole other added problem.

This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

Yeah, the biggest problem with questioning is that there is absolutely know way to know the real answers. From your ex’s actions, it sounds like she doesn’t even know how she feels or what she wants, and that’s definitely something she would need to figure out before she can happily succeed in any long-term relationship. It’s better that she stays away from you while she’s still in this immaturity mode, because it wouldn’t fare well for you guys either.

I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

I am also this type. Everyone else’s needs and wants come before mine, but I’ve learned over the last year that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you drag yourself down by not meeting your own needs, it drags everyone else around you down, too.  Causing short-term pain is better than a very slow, long-term descent into misery for both of you.

I’ve also found it helps to reframe things in your mind: Breaking up might cause her hurt and pain in the short term, but you two staying together in a relationship when you are not compatible is keeping you both from finding someone you are compatible with… so you staying with her is also keeping her from being with someone who is truly a match with her… which is much worse, in my opinion, than short-term heartbreak.

So, in terms of a talk, it might just be best to rip off the band-aid. Tell her you’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as wonderful and loving as she is, you don’t feel like you’re a match for each other. Then you’re going to have to stand firm with that. She’s going to feel hurt because she loves you and rejection sucks, but it’s better than staying in an incompatible relationship when there are people out there for you both who are likely much better matches and who you each would be happier with overall.

Having said that… keep in mind that I don’t know either of you personally, so my opinion on all of this is just based on what you’ve said about the amount of fighting you guys do and your own feelings you’ve expressed here. I had a guy in the past that I was just swooning over for literally 10 years and I thought we were meant to be and that I’d never get over him. No guys ever compared or made me feel anywhere close to what he did, but as soon as I met my most recent ex, my feelings for the other guy just completely disappeared and even now I don’t think about that other guy in that way, whom I’m still friends with… so that’s one reason how I know that if you were with the right one for you, you wouldn’t be thinking of your ex the way you do now because you would be too happy and enamored with your current girlfriend to even care… if she were a match.

Then I will revisit my feelings and my girls feelings and how we are all doing.  If it hasn’t changed, then I will have to have a talk with her.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  But If things don’t change, I know I can’t live like this anymore.  for me or my girls.  I feel like such an asshole.

I believe you said this exact thing back in November, where your plan was to wait and see until how you felt in the new year, and you’re still feeling the same way and saying the same things. Do you think it’s possible you’re trying to drag this out because it’s a conversation you don’t want to have because it makes you feel guilty?

Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

Hi Jemma,

I have trust issues, too, even when the person I’m dating has given me no reason to not trust him, and I’ve took a lot of time over the last year to get to the bottom of them. So maybe my experience will help you, too. I had a boyfriend when I was younger that cheated on me quite a lot, and I kept going back to him anyway. Over the years, I’d assumed my trust issues came from that experience, but when I dug deeper, I realized that it probably wasn’t that because he was someone you would expect to cheat… his dad was a cheater, his friends all cheated on their girlfriends, etc., so what he did wasn’t really a surprise and I stayed because I was young and stupid. haha.  I found out that my trust issues actually stem from the instances where people you would never, ever think would cheat end up cheating. My mom, a good, Christian woman with a strict moral compass, cheated on my dad.  My sister, same moral compass, cheated on her husband. I’ve had friends who I never thought would cheat that did. I think these are the things that hurt trust the most because you feel like you can just never tell and no how many times someone might assure you that they won’t, they still could.

So… what I’ve learned is that there is no magical formula to be able to trust. There is ALWAYS going to be a risk there because we are all humans, but if you find someone who is loyal, have faith in them and know that they’re worth that risk. The only thing that has kept my faith in loyalty is knowing how I am, which is loyal to practically a fault. There are people out there who deserve our trust, and if you have been with your boyfriend for a long time and he’s never really given you any reason not to trust him, then have faith that he will keep doing the right thing…. especially if he doesn’t tend to put himself in situations where he would be tempted.

I’ve also learned intuition can play a part on helping you decide whether you are right not to trust someone or if it’s your trust issues acting up. If you have a thought or feeling like someone is potentially betraying you and feel a fear in the pit of your stomach that gives you anxiety, that likely isn’t intuition, it’s your fear/ego making you mistrust. If you have a thought of betrayal and you still somehow feel calm, like it’s there but it’s something that is supposed to happen, that’s intuition.

If I’m reading that last one correctly… your phone was in the car but she said you didn’t need your phone because she wasn’t on her phone, then her phone dinged with a text message and you questioned her about it, right?

It’s entirely possible, though, that she WASN’T texting but someone just randomly sent her a message. Happens to me all the time because I rarely text people first unless I have a question or something. So maybe it would help if you could start thinking of scenarios that give her the benefit of the doubt instead of asking questions about it right away?

As someone who’s never even had a serious relationship, I just thought it was a matter of interest: if there’s a connection/interest, you pursue it. If not, then you drop it.  That’s why it was so confusing because I know there was an interest. I also thought a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready.

Yeah, once you’ve had a heartbreak or two, especially a devastating one, it tends to complicate things so that it’s not quite as easy as whether you feel interested or not. I’ve passed on some really great guys in the past because I just wasn’t ready to let myself take that risk yet. Sometimes you feel like you’re ready and you really want to be with someone, and then once you start to develop stronger feelings, it’s like whoooaaa, nope, not ready. haha. So when he said it wasn’t you, definitely believe him. I really think it’s just him still trying to deal with what happened, and there’s never a time limit for that. And it’s also good that this happened NOW rather than you two getting into a committed relationship for years and then him freaking out when it’s time to make a bigger commitment (like moving in or marriage) and him leaving THEN, even though you still love each other. That can definitely happen, too (there are some people that are comfortable with a relationship level of commitment but moving toward any deeper commitment than that causes them to run).

I hope this trip that he is on allows him some alone time to do some thinking. Sometimes that’s all people need to calm down and get things back into perspective. Otherwise, I think you have a good plan, and it sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders. When you’re single, taking the time to focus on you and your own happiness for a while is always a great thing to do!

I agree with everything Marina has said here and I’ve found the same from my own breakup experience. Once I was able to quiet my ego so I could hear my heart, things became a lot easier for me… but when you’re right in the middle of it, it’s hard to even believe you can get to that point and it can feel like it will last forever… but it won’t. So if you feel sad, let yourself experience the sadness for a bit and it’ll pass. And it will come and go in waves for a while, but they will slow down and become few and far between over time. And also do the things that make you feel good like the meditating and talking to your mom. Those are very healthy things to do and will absolutely help. Sometimes this stuff just takes time to work through and you have to be mindful and gentle with yourself in the meantime.  Trying to keep my thoughts focused on the present always helped me too. When they’d drift to the past or the future, I just tried to refocus to the hear and now, and in the present moment, as long as we are not in any immediate danger, the here and now is usually better than our egos want us to believe it is.