No worries. No, I would say we both integrated into it before we started dating. So by the look of it, it was an equal starting field, whereas now it’s absolutely not. He owns it.

I think what you’re feeling is normal and I can understand why you are feeling upset…. but the thing is… what you are going through now is the downside of the risk you take when you date someone who is already in your friend group…. and that’s not entirely your ex’s fault. You seem angry with him because he hasn’t reacted in a way that you feel that he should have reacted, but, in truth, he’s his own person with his own perceptions and he’s under no obligation to react any certain way. If he moved on fairly quickly or is acting differently than you thought he would, he likely just thinks differently about the whole situation than you do. Sometimes our expectations of people can mess with our feelings… we expect things we maybe shouldn’t or people surprise us in the way they react/respond and it makes us feel bad… and then our own perceptions of how things should be when we aren’t accepting things as just being how they are can make us feel angrier.

I think it might help you work through this if maybe if you reframe the situation in your mind to accept more of the responsibility for how you’re feeling rather than saying HE made you feel this way, because you are also part responsible for what is happening now for choosing to date within your friend group and you’re also responsible for how you perceive things (and usually it’s our own perceptions that play into our emotions)… so you might be really angry with yourself for putting yourself in this position in the first place. Right now, you two are broken up so he is under no obligation to make anything better for you or to remedy any domino effect you feel he’s created (especially since he might not feel the same). He is absolutely entitled to just go on living his life however he pleases… so in order for you to feel better, you’re likely going to have to take ownership of your feelings and accept things as they are. Accept that, although he may own the group right now, you could change your feelings on that if you maybe shift your focus off of what he is doing and instead focus on building your relationships with the people in the friend group without any focus at all on him, and that should hopefully lead to you naturally regaining equal footing with them… or you can find a new group entirely if you don’t feel that will work for you or it’s not something you want to do.

I want to add that I know it feels AWFUL when people don’t react in the way it seems they should or when it seems like you get the raw deal while they don’t seem to suffer at all. It’s enough to make anyone angry! And I’ve definitely been there, too. But there comes a point where, when you’re tired of being angry, just accepting that you can totally take control of how you feel by shifting how you perceive the situation, that nobody really owes you anything in terms of a reaction, no matter how close or connected you were in the past, and that’s okay… that sort of helps to release the anger.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

It just breaks my heart, knowing he’s like this because of me.

Hi Nairobi,

The thing is, he’s like this because of himself. He’s ultimately the one that chose to end the relationship and then waited 8 months to decide it was a huge mistake, after you’d already found someone. That’s not your fault in any way.

Next, what he’s going through is natural. He is just grieving in the way you had to at the beginning but choosing to do it in a different way. You might feel bad because you are now not grieving, but you already went through it. If you are not getting back together, there is really nothing else either of you can do than to just let him work through the grief. So in the meantime, I would just not look at any of his stuff that he’s posting and, eventually, his grief will subside and he will meet someone new, he will then feel better and the posts will just naturally stop.

Honestly, I think it’s going to probably be that way until you meet someone that takes your mind off of her. It was like that for me with a guy before my most recent ex. I thought about him every day for years right up until I started dating my ex and then I stopped thinking about the other guy altogether. So it’s not completely hopeless and you just have to try to accept that those thoughts are going to be there and try not to get upset with yourself… they’ll go away when you meet someone who is actually a match for you. The longer you stay in your current situation, though, the longer this is going to last.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

Hi Sara,

I’ve absolutely found this to be true, especially if you’re growing and changing and they aren’t. You start to have less in common, and the friendship/relationship just doesn’t work like it used to. I think this especially happens if you get to a point where you aren’t really into drama, gossip, or negativity but your old friends still are.  The good news is, you will start to attract new friends who fit into your current life and mindset, especially if you get out and do things where you can meet like-minded people. So try not to worry too much about what drifts away and be excited about the good things that are ahead.

ugh.  she is still on my mind.  I don’t have any idea why it has been so much in my head lately, but damn.  I’m really trying to focus on other things, but she keeps popping in there.  I hate this so much!  I just needed to vent.  thanks for listening.

I know how you feel. My ex has been on my mind too, and I’m thinking the time of year isn’t helping. It’s just so BLAH outside and there isn’t much to do. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I tend to think about my ex more when I’m feeling bored or lonely. But just remember, when you start thinking about her, it might feel bad in the moment, but those thoughts will pass and don’t be too hard on yourself when she pops into your mind. I still think it’s normal. Just do your best to redirect to what’s happening in the moment and any good things that might be happening right now.

I think you should just make a clean break of it and just tell him that you want to end it, that he is married now and should put his focus on his wife. And then you can go find someone who will want to be with just you, as well. It will probably be awkward at work for a while, but I think just stopping will be a lot less awkward or painful than slowing down with intentions of eventually stopping would. I think that would just drag everything out.

First, I think you should ask yourself if you want to be with someone you have to share or if you would rather be in a relationship with someone who is with you and only you. If you want the latter, I think you should definitely, definitely cut all romantic ties with this man. He may have been pressured, by family but it was still ultimately his choice to go through with the marriage.

If you don’t mind sharing a man with another woman, does his wife know about you two? Because if not, that is a whole other added problem.

This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

Yeah, the biggest problem with questioning is that there is absolutely know way to know the real answers. From your ex’s actions, it sounds like she doesn’t even know how she feels or what she wants, and that’s definitely something she would need to figure out before she can happily succeed in any long-term relationship. It’s better that she stays away from you while she’s still in this immaturity mode, because it wouldn’t fare well for you guys either.

I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

I am also this type. Everyone else’s needs and wants come before mine, but I’ve learned over the last year that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you drag yourself down by not meeting your own needs, it drags everyone else around you down, too.  Causing short-term pain is better than a very slow, long-term descent into misery for both of you.

I’ve also found it helps to reframe things in your mind: Breaking up might cause her hurt and pain in the short term, but you two staying together in a relationship when you are not compatible is keeping you both from finding someone you are compatible with… so you staying with her is also keeping her from being with someone who is truly a match with her… which is much worse, in my opinion, than short-term heartbreak.

So, in terms of a talk, it might just be best to rip off the band-aid. Tell her you’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as wonderful and loving as she is, you don’t feel like you’re a match for each other. Then you’re going to have to stand firm with that. She’s going to feel hurt because she loves you and rejection sucks, but it’s better than staying in an incompatible relationship when there are people out there for you both who are likely much better matches and who you each would be happier with overall.

Having said that… keep in mind that I don’t know either of you personally, so my opinion on all of this is just based on what you’ve said about the amount of fighting you guys do and your own feelings you’ve expressed here. I had a guy in the past that I was just swooning over for literally 10 years and I thought we were meant to be and that I’d never get over him. No guys ever compared or made me feel anywhere close to what he did, but as soon as I met my most recent ex, my feelings for the other guy just completely disappeared and even now I don’t think about that other guy in that way, whom I’m still friends with… so that’s one reason how I know that if you were with the right one for you, you wouldn’t be thinking of your ex the way you do now because you would be too happy and enamored with your current girlfriend to even care… if she were a match.