Dear Valora

I have no idea if how she is treating me has got to be related to her wanting to cancel the trip. But I did asked her last week twice whether if the trip is on which she reply yes.

I even asked her if we want to cancel the trip which she declined no. I have asked her a few times if the trip wants to be cancel which she declined so I am not sure if it is gonna be related to the trip.

Hi Barry,

What I’m saying is that she may want to cancel the trip but may not want to tell you that to your face. So the more you ask her about it, the more she has to lie to you and the more she will avoid you so she won’t have to lie. I would consider the trip cancelled.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Valora.

First, after reading this, let me say… good riddance.  I agree with Mark that you dodged a bullet with not marrying into that family, especially with the fact that he would not stick up for you and tell them to back off with your father being sick.

As for the quick engagement, how long ago did you two break up? I have to wonder if the girl is a rebound. I have read that when people are rebounding, they tend to escalate the relationship very quickly to try to fill the hole the previous relationship left. You two were engaged, so he may have felt the need to hurry up and get engaged again because that feeling was what he was used to. But he will be no different with this woman than he was with you, and it sounds like he wasn’t all that great with you, at least at the end of things.

I think you should just do your best to put your focus on other things and work on detaching from this guy. Treat this as a learning experience, find the lesson in it and it will help take that feeling of “all of this time for nothing” away. After you have some time to heal, hopefully your next serious relationship will involve someone who is compassionate and protective of you and your feelings.

Hi Barry,

I think that what you should do now is absolutely nothing other than trying not to let it bother you. If this is all of the sudden and is a change from your normal friendship with her (if she’s behaving differently than normal), it’s likely just something that is going on with her.  She may need space for whatever reason, and no amount of talking to her or trying to fix it will solve that. It would likely just push her away. So I think it’s best to just leave her alone for a bit and wait for her to message you next. In the meantime, focus on other things.

It’s also possible your friendship is just drifting apart, in which case, you just have to work on getting yourself to let it go. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever, as sad as that is, and some go away for a time and come back stronger later on. I’ve had that happen to me plenty of times.

I find it really hard to process this relationship, everything that went on and how and why it ended. I feel like I can no longer trust my mind, and I had lost myself. My mental was getting played around like a puppet.

It sounds to me like you were just ignoring some pretty blatant red flags that should be, in the future, seen as complete dealbreakers.

 6 months into our relationship, I discovered the first lie. He was sexting with some random girl from IG, and that girl reported it to me with screenshot, etc

This guy was sexting another girl, which this girl proved with a screenshot, and then lied to you about it. That is a dealbreaker. Dump any guy that does this and do NOT look back.

A few weeks later I found out he actually has a son from his past relationship, a kid who he never disclosed when we first started going out, he doesnt talk to him anymore because his ex before me asked him to choose between her or the kid and he chose her.

First this guy doesn’t tell you he has a child after 6 MONTHS of dating, and then you find out that he chose a woman over his own child. This is a huge, HUGE character flaw. It screams “lack of integrity” and “lack of responsibility.” Again, not great characteristics to have in a significant other.

He’s lied to you over and over and your gut instinct was screaming at you that something was off, because it was. All of the things he told you make no difference because he was only saying those things to take the blame off of him and put it squarely on you because he very, very clearly does not take responsibility for anything.  It may have FELT like a good relationship because you are ready for a good relationship and you were hoping that was it, so you ignored some very clear signs of dysfunction.  Next time, just pay attention to those signs.

There is nothing wrong with you beyond the fact that you chose to ignore those red flags and allowed him to place blame on you instead of dumping him right then and there. Next time, just dump the jerk and keep dumping the jerks until you finally find yourself a good one with no dealbreaking red flags.

Hi Kylee!

Do you know how long he and his last girlfriend had been broken up before you started seeing each other? Does he jump from relationship/hanging out to relationship?  It IS pretty weird to bring up exes on the first date, and it does suggest that he isn’t yet over those relationships or at the very least hasn’t yet processed his feelings from them and has been trying to distract himself. Maybe that’s why he was stalling on asking you to be his girlfriend?

However, if he has been broken up with these exes for a long time and is just friends with them all, I think that’s okay. I’m friends with most of my exes, but we definitely took a long time apart to heal and detach before we could form just a friendship with no romantic feelings. So in those cases, liking a picture or an occasional message to catch up should be fine.

I also think you were doing very well with your communication, and I would definitely keep that up with guys you date in the future. Dating can be a lot of trial and error, though, so don’t let this deter you.  It’s also possible he may come back in a few days, and I would just stay strong with your needs and boundaries.

I agree with what Peggy said. If he’s suddenly changed his ambitions, it may be because he is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break, is losing interest in what he’s studying for, or he’s just settling into the relationship now and this is who he is. That’s probably a conversation you’re going to have to have with him.

You can’t really “push” and “make” people do things. That only creates resistance and animosity. You can encourage though (gently) and have discussions about what he envisions in the future and what his plans are for meeting his goals. If he’s losing interest in his chosen career, perhaps you could think of something together that could pique that interest again. If he’s feeling burnt out, that’ll likely take care of itself with a bit of rest and self-care, but he should set a timeline or date for when he’ll start pushing himself again. If this is just who he is and his level of drive and ambition doesn’t actually line up with your ideas of what you want, that’s something you’re going to have to think about as he may not be your match in that case (however, the qualities you’ve described are wonderful qualities in a man, and men don’t HAVE to be the family breadwinners if you happen to be the one with major drive and ambition… women can support a family, too).

Just remember during these discussions that your boyfriend is his own unique person and comparing him to what you’ve experienced with other people (like your dad) is quite unfair, just as it would be if he compared you to others in his life or projected his ideals and expectations onto you.

My question is why does he believe you will not be able to look after yourselves “soon?” I see that he has hereditary disease in his family, but unless either of you have a serious illness now, you should be able to hopefully take care of yourselves for many years to come. If he is worrying about things that may not even happen or may not happen for a long time, I would probably remind him to be mindful of his life as it is right now, that everything is okay in this moment and that if things pop up in the future, you will be able to deal with them then. Of course, it never hurts to have a financial plan like putting some money away each week just in case you need help in the future, and developing some sort of plan may help to ease his worries, but worrying to an excessive degree when everything is really fine in the moment can actually bring on health issues and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy on its own because of the stress it causes.

If he continues to worry even after coming up with a feasible plan, I would see if he would consider counseling.