How are things going, John?

But it is still an advice, she can choose to proceed but it might hurt herself. Friends help each other and give advice to each other

Friends do give advice to each other, but it’s important to do that only when asked. Otherwise it is unsolicited advice, and that’s not so often well received, especially when it comes to a choice someone has made. It can make the other person feel resentment toward you, so when the friendship is already rocky, it’s best to just keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks for your advice.

Dear Valora

i asked her about the trip and she said it is still on and I even asked her if the person she is seeing is ok with us proceeding with the trip which she says yes.

What I’m saying is she probably was not being truthful when she said yes. If she is avoiding you, that means she does not want to go. She probably feels bad saying it to your face, so when you ask her directly, she says yes even though she means no and doesn’t actually want to go.

Dear Valora

I have no idea if how she is treating me has got to be related to her wanting to cancel the trip. But I did asked her last week twice whether if the trip is on which she reply yes.

I even asked her if we want to cancel the trip which she declined no. I have asked her a few times if the trip wants to be cancel which she declined so I am not sure if it is gonna be related to the trip.

Hi Barry,

What I’m saying is that she may want to cancel the trip but may not want to tell you that to your face. So the more you ask her about it, the more she has to lie to you and the more she will avoid you so she won’t have to lie. I would consider the trip cancelled.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Valora.

First, after reading this, let me say… good riddance.  I agree with Mark that you dodged a bullet with not marrying into that family, especially with the fact that he would not stick up for you and tell them to back off with your father being sick.

As for the quick engagement, how long ago did you two break up? I have to wonder if the girl is a rebound. I have read that when people are rebounding, they tend to escalate the relationship very quickly to try to fill the hole the previous relationship left. You two were engaged, so he may have felt the need to hurry up and get engaged again because that feeling was what he was used to. But he will be no different with this woman than he was with you, and it sounds like he wasn’t all that great with you, at least at the end of things.

I think you should just do your best to put your focus on other things and work on detaching from this guy. Treat this as a learning experience, find the lesson in it and it will help take that feeling of “all of this time for nothing” away. After you have some time to heal, hopefully your next serious relationship will involve someone who is compassionate and protective of you and your feelings.

Hi Barry,

I think that what you should do now is absolutely nothing other than trying not to let it bother you. If this is all of the sudden and is a change from your normal friendship with her (if she’s behaving differently than normal), it’s likely just something that is going on with her.  She may need space for whatever reason, and no amount of talking to her or trying to fix it will solve that. It would likely just push her away. So I think it’s best to just leave her alone for a bit and wait for her to message you next. In the meantime, focus on other things.

It’s also possible your friendship is just drifting apart, in which case, you just have to work on getting yourself to let it go. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever, as sad as that is, and some go away for a time and come back stronger later on. I’ve had that happen to me plenty of times.

I find it really hard to process this relationship, everything that went on and how and why it ended. I feel like I can no longer trust my mind, and I had lost myself. My mental was getting played around like a puppet.

It sounds to me like you were just ignoring some pretty blatant red flags that should be, in the future, seen as complete dealbreakers.

 6 months into our relationship, I discovered the first lie. He was sexting with some random girl from IG, and that girl reported it to me with screenshot, etc

This guy was sexting another girl, which this girl proved with a screenshot, and then lied to you about it. That is a dealbreaker. Dump any guy that does this and do NOT look back.

A few weeks later I found out he actually has a son from his past relationship, a kid who he never disclosed when we first started going out, he doesnt talk to him anymore because his ex before me asked him to choose between her or the kid and he chose her.

First this guy doesn’t tell you he has a child after 6 MONTHS of dating, and then you find out that he chose a woman over his own child. This is a huge, HUGE character flaw. It screams “lack of integrity” and “lack of responsibility.” Again, not great characteristics to have in a significant other.

He’s lied to you over and over and your gut instinct was screaming at you that something was off, because it was. All of the things he told you make no difference because he was only saying those things to take the blame off of him and put it squarely on you because he very, very clearly does not take responsibility for anything.  It may have FELT like a good relationship because you are ready for a good relationship and you were hoping that was it, so you ignored some very clear signs of dysfunction.  Next time, just pay attention to those signs.

There is nothing wrong with you beyond the fact that you chose to ignore those red flags and allowed him to place blame on you instead of dumping him right then and there. Next time, just dump the jerk and keep dumping the jerks until you finally find yourself a good one with no dealbreaking red flags.

Hi Kylee!

Do you know how long he and his last girlfriend had been broken up before you started seeing each other? Does he jump from relationship/hanging out to relationship?  It IS pretty weird to bring up exes on the first date, and it does suggest that he isn’t yet over those relationships or at the very least hasn’t yet processed his feelings from them and has been trying to distract himself. Maybe that’s why he was stalling on asking you to be his girlfriend?

However, if he has been broken up with these exes for a long time and is just friends with them all, I think that’s okay. I’m friends with most of my exes, but we definitely took a long time apart to heal and detach before we could form just a friendship with no romantic feelings. So in those cases, liking a picture or an occasional message to catch up should be fine.

I also think you were doing very well with your communication, and I would definitely keep that up with guys you date in the future. Dating can be a lot of trial and error, though, so don’t let this deter you.  It’s also possible he may come back in a few days, and I would just stay strong with your needs and boundaries.