Hi John!

I’m glad you told her those things. Hopefully, it will keep sinking in to the point where she understands and accepts that you two aren’t a match and then hopefully that will also make it easier for you two to separate because she won’t be holding on so tightly.

I seem to be in the minority here, but I really feel like if you would’ve given him just a little bit of time, he would’ve come back around. It was really nice of him to bring the mug and fruits to you and that showed that he genuinely cares about you and listens to you, especially since you only mentioned the fruit a week ago. Sometimes if something is missing, it’s because the person needs to figure something out about themselves. The piece missing is something inside of them that they’re trying to find in someone else, which might be why he wanted time to figure himself out before getting into a relationship, which, to me, is a smart thing to do.

I suppose, if it is meant to be, though, he will come back around and I think you should consider giving him a chance if he does (but ONLY if he has changed, is ready for commitment, and has completely cut contact with and has moved on from that ex). In the meantime, if being friends is way too difficult, I think you made the right decision to end the relationship altogether (friendship or otherwise). Sometimes keeping the emotional connection open can be beneficial as well… however, there is risk in doing that, as something really COULD be not quite right between the two of you and he may find a better fit in someone else, which would definitely leave you disappointed.

I think it sounds like your friend is being really responsible in giving himself time and space to work through his feelings of his past relationship before getting into another one. If I were you, I would just be patient. The “friend zone” really is a myth. Quite frankly, I know PLENTY of friends who were just friends for years, only to end up in a relationship with each other and some even married happily later on. So the idea that there is some zone that people get stuck in and can’t get back out of isn’t real. Either the feelings are there for someone or they aren’t, and I think that people use this “zone” to make themselves feel better for being rejected.

But I digress…. I don’t really think a rejection is what is happening here. I think it sounds like he does have feelings for you but he knows he also needs to work through some things first, and honestly, that’s smart, and if you allow him to do that before you two get closer or into a relationship, it will allow your relationship to get started on the right foot, which will help to build a strong foundation.  So I say just be his friend, be supportive. Eventually, he will start feeling better and if you keep the emotional connection you two have, it’s likely that you two will come together when the time is right… don’t WAIT around though. That’s important. If you end up meeting someone else you connect with just as much, don’t be afraid to explore that connection either, especially if that guy is ready for a relationship.

I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

That’s the issue, though, John, you CAN help that thinking, but you’re keeping yourself in a loop of reinforcing that line of thinking and feeling like you need closure rather than actually allowing yourself to get over it. You don’t NEED closure and you’re likely not going to get the closure you want or the answers you want, so you have to find a way to move on without them. You’re kind of making the breakup about you and what you did or didn’t do rather than what she was internalizing, which is much more likely the reason for the breakup… her internalizing everything at the time rather than communicating. That likely had nothing to do with you. So the closure you’re hoping for and the answers you want likely don’t even exist because what you’re convincing yourself was the problem (if only I would’ve done this or that) likely was NOT the problem. I think it would help you a lot if you would let that just sink in deep and keep reinforcing it… say it over and over… “this situation had nothing to do with my worth and what I did or didn’t do… it was whatever she was going through and there was nothing I could do about that.”   When people start internalizing things, you can’t MAKE them communicate, no matter how badly you want them to. They have to be the ones to do it. There’s likely nothing you could’ve really done different. Let this be your closure.

You have to change your line of thinking but it’s also going to take some time. Just keep reaffirming to yourself that this happened for a reason, you couldn’t have prevented it, it likely had little to do with you and your worth, and that you have all the closure you really need and eventually it will seep in and you’ll stop going in circles.

I totally agree with what Anita is saying here. This man will keep repeating these cycles of blissful beginnings to then running away until he, himself, fixes whatever he feels he needs saved from. They may be feeling blissful now (honeymoon stage… it isn’t real), but their relationship is likely to go the same way yours did. It definitely has nothing to do with your worth or the next girl’s worth or anything comparing you two. It’s him and his issues.

I would take this time to work on your feelings about yourself, though. Figure out what makes you feel less than (other than the blow to your ego, which will naturally heal over time) and work on that. Figure out things that might make you feel better about yourself… maybe a new hobby, learning something you’ve always wanted to learn, new hair cut/style, etc. And learn to appreciate all of the good things about yourself…. we all have our bad things. All of us (even the new girl). But we also have plenty of good things that far outshine any bad.  I’m sure you have lots and lots of qualities and values that make you worth your weight in gold.

John, did you see my post? What do you think about couples counseling? It may help you get out of the situation you’re in, and the counselor may have resources to help your girlfriend financially and with housing. They may know of resources that you two don’t know about.

Also, why would it cost her $2500 to move? Did it cost that much for her to move to your place?

I do see that excitement you were talking about.  That longing i have.  Maybe it’s not for my ex, but just that feeling.  but if that is the case, why do i think just about her, her face, her smile, her touch.  I didn’t need to go on trips and have fun with her.  With her i would have been more than willing to be more broke than i am now just to take care of her so we could live together.

It IS just the feeling you want. You are only thinking about her because your mind is attaching her to that feeling, like she’s the only way to get that feeling.  It’s made you a bit codependent when it comes to her (you’d be willing to be in an extremely unhealthy and stressful financial situation just to be with her), just as your current girlfriend is with you. Your ex isn’t the only way to get that feeling… but she is all your mind knows at the moment. It’s likely going to take a new person, the right person, to change your mind’s position on that.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Valora.

I’ve been in this situation before. It was when I was about your age, too. I met a guy on a message board and we started talking a lot. We were only 7 days apart in age, had a lot in common, and became best friends for several years. We talked to each other about everything. I think it’s very easy to develop an emotional connection with someone in this way, especially when you are having such good conversations all day, every day. You build up a trust and an attachment to them that easily can develop into romantic feelings. I’m telling you this basically because I hope you won’t feel so embarrassed. It’s a completely normal thing that happens to a lot of people who develop friendships online.

Would the distance be a barrier to you in real life? I saw in your other comment that you live several states away and won’t really have enough money to visit each other, so, in that case, it sort of doesn’t matter whether you tell him how you feel or not, because a relationship where you never see each other won’t work and it’s also possible that you may not have the same sort of feeling in person as you do with him online. If you think backing off from talking to him would help you, I would do that. In my situation, I was able to just sort of remind myself it wouldn’t work because we live too far apart and was able to back off my own feelings in that way.

Is it possible that some of your tenseness could be coming from the fact that you don’t feel the same or as comfortable as the other people around you and it might feel like something is wrong with you? If you are introverted, I think it’s pretty normal to feel anxiety when you have an event coming up. I get that feeling, too, even though I know it’s with people I know well and generally feel comfortable around, I still feel anxious leading up to the event. I think that part is normal.

If your focus is on the fact that you don’t feel upbeat and happy and you feel resistant to the fact that you naturally have a more introverted/anxious situation, that can create more resistance… fighting against who you are makes you feel even worse, and that could be part of what is making you feel so much tension, especially if you’re focusing on the fact that you DON’T feel upbeat and happy… focusing on what you don’t want makes you feel more of it. Does that make sense or is any of this resonating with you?

If possible, I would talk to a counselor. They can help you work through your feelings of anxiety, teach you tools to be able to handle those feelings in order to feel more comfortable, and help you work through any blocks you may have that may be keeping you from being able to truly connect with people.