Yeah, it sounds like she wasn’t communicating her feelings very well either. It also sounds like she might have been trying to figure things out during that time and ultimately decided that you two weren’t right for each other, without your input and without giving you a chance to fix anything… which I know feels unfair, but people do that sometimes when they’re internalizing their feelings for whatever reason. There really isn’t anything you can do about it other than to let them go if that’s what they’re saying they want and use those words as your closure.

If what happened feels unfair, it’s likely you had expectations that weren’t met here. You were expecting her to have a level of communication that she didn’t meet and that unmet expectation feels bad. I think that’s more of a sign that maybe she’s right that you two weren’t right for each other, at least not right now.

I agree and realized a lot of what you are saying Valora. But why not address the issue at that moment? Or at the end of the day when things cooled off a bit for her? I said this (to myself and possibly to her, dont remember) when she insisted that moving in wasnt a good idea (hers by the way); this relationship will not end cuz of a break up but rather from a lack of communication. And i was right. I perhaps need to be less pushy and helpful but if i really care about u i will try my best to help.

Because sometimes people don’t realize for themselves that they are scared or WHY they are scared. She may have had those feelings of not wanting to do the things you were suggesting anymore but wasn’t sure what that feeling was or why she was feeling that way. It’s hard to clearly communicate feelings you don’t realize you have at the time.  I’ve learned it’s better to just not push people in the first place. Offer advice and guidance when they specifically ASK for it and otherwise just be there to listen and support.

I instantly realized what I was doing was what my ex wanted. But still those were things she was right that I had to work on. And while they were told by a previous partner, I still wanted to do them. But being pushy is subjective to ppl. Theres being encouraging to ppl, motivating someone, trying to help someone, beinh pushy, aggressive and just plain forcing someone etc. Different ppl can view things differently. She probably felt the right end of that spectrum.

Honestly, most things are subjective. Being pushy is subjective, but so is wanting attention and the amount of attention or space someone needs. For example, someone who likes to cuddle can be seen as cuddly and attentive or it can be seen as needy, depending on who you’re dating. It’s definitely good to work on the things you want to work on after someone points them out, because that shows growth, but that doesn’t mean that working on those things will make you compatible with everyone because not everyone values those things.  So you just have to kind of be the kind of boyfriend/man you feel the best being and find someone who matches with that while realizing that not everyone will… and if someone tells you they feel they aren’t your match, you just have to believe them.

I think what it sounds like you were trying to do was to be HELPFUL, which she probably felt you were being at first, but if she then got scared of moving or changing jobs (because those really are big, scary life changes), and you kept encouraging her to do it (trying to be helpful), then that’s when it starts feeling pushy rather than helpful because she’s changed her mind (even if she didn’t communicate that).  So, in the future, if that kind of thing happens again, just be sure to help mainly just when asked when it comes to that stuff. If you create a resume and she leaves it on the table, maybe ask once if she forgot it or of she changed her mind about switching, and if she forgets it again, I’d just let it go at that point.

In this relationship I tried to be all the things that my ex of 4 yrs said I wasn’t… more loving/affectionate and just show more care. It’s worth at the beginning, but obviously she’s an introvert and a mediator and need space. But my question is why 4 months of a good relationship and 2 weeks of a rocky relationship came to crash it all down. It doesnt make sense. Did she hold it all in? Then how is that my fault?

I think the problem here is that you were trying to be all of the things your ex wanted you to be but for someone other than your ex. Maybe your most recent ex didn’t need the same things from you that your previous girlfriend did.  It’s important to just be true to yourself and find someone who is a match with that in many ways rather than trying to be what the last girl wanted for the next girl. As you can see, that doesn’t work out so well.  If you are someone who shows love by doing things for your girl, your best relationship will be with someone who appreciates those things that you do.

4-1/2 months really isn’t a long time and feelings can change quickly that early on, especially if she started to feel like you were getting upset about the things she did fairly often or tried to push her to do things she later decided she didn’t want to do (or was scared to do). It’s possible that started to turn her off after the initial “newness” of your relationship wore off and she decided it wasn’t what she wanted.

I kind of want to know what I did wrong so in the future if there’s some sort of introvert that I need I can deal with this situation better.

I think it’s possible you’re focusing on the “introvert” part of her personality too much. Some introverts like a lot of attention, too… some don’t. Some need a lot of alone time, some need just a bit. It’s not really a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, because it really does vary from person to person.

I think with her she needs a push. But maybe too much encouragement, push, makes her back away. Or shut down. I only called like twice but then she says she just starting to back away and need space

I think it’s totally possible that she could’ve been making it seem like she needed a push but she may have just been venting to you, and sometimes people like the push/encouragement at first, but when it comes time to actually make the change, they get scared of that change and that makes them back off. So if she got scared but you didn’t realize she was scared (and how could you when she’s been talking about wanting to make this change) and keep encouraging, it makes you come off as pushy even when, last you knew, it was a change she had really wanted to make.  That’s when it’s best to just back way off and let her come to you, if she decides to.

I agree with everything Mark said, but to add to that, do you think it’s possible you were being a little critical or perhaps sounding a little critical to her? It’s hard for me to know because of what you didn’t specify, but for example… you said you helped her write a resume. Did she say she wanted to leave her job or were you just thinking she should because it doesn’t seem right for her so you were trying to help make that happen?

And for the apartment, I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to move in with someone she’d been dating officially for only 2 months, even with the situation with her dad. Did you get upset with her when she turned that down?

Communication is good, but if you were getting upset with her for a lot of things and vocalizing that, that could have lead to her thinking that she and her life was not right for you and your wants/needs… that you two weren’t meshing very well and were better off apart.

I also think that if you think you got nothing out of a 4-year relationship, you should reevaluate that relationship. There was probably something you very much needed to learn from that breakup that you might not have learned. All of those situations, at the very least, come with good, helpful lessons that make the relationship itself worth it.

I agree with what Mark and Anita said, but I also want to add my experience because it might help you feel better. I had a similar connection with my most recent ex that you seem to have with yours. We dated officially for probably 6-7 months before he said he loved me, and that’s not counting the few months before we became official that we had hung out a lot, and I practically had to drag it out of him. haha. I stubbornly wanted him to say it first because it had been my first real relationship in a decade and I’m sort of an old-fashioned girl, and I think he just was scared to say it/wasn’t sure how I felt/didn’t want to rush things/maybe was hoping I’d say it first… so we had a conversation about it. Once he finally said it that first time though, the flood gates open and we said it to each other often, many times a day, for the rest of the time that we dated. Words of Affirmation is probably my most favorite love language, so I was having similar feelings to what you are now before it was said (especially at the 6-month mark for me, too!), but my ex was doing a lot of the things yours is doing, SHOWING he loves you through actions rather than words. So, to me, it sounds like he has those feelings for you and maybe you two should just have a conversation that encourages each one of you to open up in that way.

Hi John!

I’m glad you told her those things. Hopefully, it will keep sinking in to the point where she understands and accepts that you two aren’t a match and then hopefully that will also make it easier for you two to separate because she won’t be holding on so tightly.

I seem to be in the minority here, but I really feel like if you would’ve given him just a little bit of time, he would’ve come back around. It was really nice of him to bring the mug and fruits to you and that showed that he genuinely cares about you and listens to you, especially since you only mentioned the fruit a week ago. Sometimes if something is missing, it’s because the person needs to figure something out about themselves. The piece missing is something inside of them that they’re trying to find in someone else, which might be why he wanted time to figure himself out before getting into a relationship, which, to me, is a smart thing to do.

I suppose, if it is meant to be, though, he will come back around and I think you should consider giving him a chance if he does (but ONLY if he has changed, is ready for commitment, and has completely cut contact with and has moved on from that ex). In the meantime, if being friends is way too difficult, I think you made the right decision to end the relationship altogether (friendship or otherwise). Sometimes keeping the emotional connection open can be beneficial as well… however, there is risk in doing that, as something really COULD be not quite right between the two of you and he may find a better fit in someone else, which would definitely leave you disappointed.

I think it sounds like your friend is being really responsible in giving himself time and space to work through his feelings of his past relationship before getting into another one. If I were you, I would just be patient. The “friend zone” really is a myth. Quite frankly, I know PLENTY of friends who were just friends for years, only to end up in a relationship with each other and some even married happily later on. So the idea that there is some zone that people get stuck in and can’t get back out of isn’t real. Either the feelings are there for someone or they aren’t, and I think that people use this “zone” to make themselves feel better for being rejected.

But I digress…. I don’t really think a rejection is what is happening here. I think it sounds like he does have feelings for you but he knows he also needs to work through some things first, and honestly, that’s smart, and if you allow him to do that before you two get closer or into a relationship, it will allow your relationship to get started on the right foot, which will help to build a strong foundation.  So I say just be his friend, be supportive. Eventually, he will start feeling better and if you keep the emotional connection you two have, it’s likely that you two will come together when the time is right… don’t WAIT around though. That’s important. If you end up meeting someone else you connect with just as much, don’t be afraid to explore that connection either, especially if that guy is ready for a relationship.