I think the thing that is most important for you to remember here is that she is showing you who she is right now and it’s important for you to see it. Try to detach from your feelings/emotions for her for a minute and look at the things she’s done, that Anita describes in the post above.  If you were not emotionally attached to her, are those things that you would put up with or would think were okay?

I know exactly how you feel when someone you care about thinks the opposite of how things really are as I’ve been in that position too, but I’ve also had to objectively look at the situation and realize that it was ME who wasn’t being treated fairly, just like she was not being fair to you.

If you can look at this behavior and decide it’s not something you are happy with and she does come back, try not to take her immediately back without question but first make sure that she is willing to work on changing this behavior so that it doesn’t happen again.

Well that explains her trust issues, but that is something she needs to work on for herself and to not take out on you. It’s very, very important that you are assertive with her if you do get back together so that she understands that you are not them and that treating you like you are not worthy of trust because they weren’t isn’t okay. You should not have to be punished for what other people have done to her, and her snooping and acting like you are untrustworthy is basically a punishment.  So be assertive with her on that… that’s something she needs to fix to have a healthy relationship with anyone, especially someone who IS trustworthy, or your relationship is bound to fail later on anyway if she keeps that up.

We can’t help how we feel, but just try not to feel too bad because you really didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t really know what you could’ve done differently. I’m sure, when she’d asked, if you’d remembered talking to him that one time during the 2-month separation from your friend, you would’ve said that, right? If so, that was an innocent mistake on your part and it’s important that SHE be more understanding, too. And it’s honestly a petty thing to get mad about anyway and she should NOT have been snooping through your phone.

Just give her time though… hopefully she’ll realize (or one of her friends will and will point it out to her) that she is in the wrong here… but again, it’s important that she fixes her trust issues if you guys are going to have a successful healthy relationship.

Hi Joe,

I think your girlfriend has VERY unreasonable expectations. I think it’s reasonable to assume you wouldn’t even remember that short conversation with your friend and it should be understandable that you saying you hadn’t talked to him WASN’T an intentional lie and that you just didn’t remember that time he’d asked you to a party. Also, why is this even an issue with her when you hadn’t promised her you’d stop talking to him in the first place?

I also think she should not have been going through your phone as that’s crossing a privacy boundary, especially if she has no reason to suspect that you’re being unfaithful. She shouldn’t have to verify your faithfulness. How would she feel if you just randomly went through her phone?

I don’t think you’re the one that made a mistake here. If it were me, I would be mad at HER, as I would if I had a boyfriend that did something similar to me. It’s not acceptable behavior. I totally think she’s the one that needs to give the apology, too, and she should change that behavior if she, herself, wants to remain trustworthy (You cannot trust her around your phone at this point).

I do think it was good of you to distance yourself from the rude friend when he upset your girlfriend because it showed that you were on your girlfriend’s side and supportive of her feelings, but what was it that your friend did? Was she overreacting with that, too?

It sounds like she has some very serious trust and control issues that I would ask her to work on if SHE wants to continue a relationship with YOU. Otherwise, I’d go find yourself someone who shows you the trust you deserve, as long as you are being worthy of it, and who also doesn’t try to control you.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Valora.

He slept with this same woman while he was married to your friend? That’s just plain infidelity and definitely makes his texts to this same woman not so innocent. It’s likely he doesn’t like the guy this girl is talking about because he doesn’t want her to be with anyone other than him. I think your friend should leave and find someone who appreciates her enough to be faithful and loyal to her and who will not cross these boundaries with other women.

John, I think it’s finally time that you stop feeling sorry for her and kick. her. out.  Her having the option to leave and not taking it means she’s definitely taking advantage of you.

This wasn’t YOUR opportunity, it was HER opportunity and she didn’t take it because she has you.  What she is doing now isn’t like what you did with your ex-girlfriend. You didn’t take advantage of your ex just so you could hold on.  You may not have fully let her go emotionally, but you DID let her go off to do her own thing and often since then, it has been her contacting you. Your girlfriend, however, is USING YOU in order to hold onto you. That is soooo much different. So if anything… you don’t have to feel guilty anymore because now you are very clearly being taken advantage of and it’s time for her to go.

Well you are sure now, right? Since it sounds like he was snooping.  Given the questions you’ve asked on here lately that none of us can really give you a solid answer to because we just aren’t him, I think you two should really have a conversation about where you both stand and what you both want.  Rejection can be scary but it’s usually better than always wondering.

Hi Maria,

Yes, it was likely somewhere in between those two. The good news is that you learned a lesson from this, right? So that if he does come back and you two get back together, hopefully the same mistakes won’t happen again.  Anita is also right in that he made the decision to leave, so he will not want to come back unless he knows that whatever problems he had with the relationship won’t still be there.  A promise of change won’t be enough, but demonstration of knew knowledge should be.

The thing about the “nagging” you did, it was really just you expressing your concerns/needs to him, which you should STILL be able to do, but reframe it.  When you address concerns in the future, like if you’re feeling like you aren’t seeing each other enough and want him to call you more, instead of complaining to him that he doesn’t call you on breaks or before bed, for example (which is a criticism and makes people put a guard up), try SUGGESTING to him… like “hey, I miss you during the day. I know you’re busy, but do you ever have a moment during your day for a quick call, maybe during a break?”  That is getting the same point across while sounding much more considerate, and he will be much more likely to give a positive response to that (even if it’s just letting you know he’s too busy or needs his breaks to himself to regroup/refocus) rather than getting angry.  So just think of ways to make your concerns known but not accusatory so they don’t come off as criticism.

John Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships for decades. He has some videos on YouTube and his website that are so, so helpful.  I wish I would’ve seen them years ago. When you get some time, check them out. I think you’ll find the information helpful for future relationships, whether it’s getting back with your ex or a new guy.

Lastly, it’s not just you that will need to change. The way he would speak to you when he was angry wasn’t okay either. You may need to learn to reframe how you speak your needs, but he also needs to respond with respect, whether he’s upset by what you say or not.

Hi Katie, I get why you’re worried, because you care…. but your fears seem a little irrational/catastrophic. Just because some teenagers engage in these things definitely doesn’t mean they all do, whether they’re outgoing or not and whether you did or not. Every one is different. It’s just as likely that your brother will choose not to, especially if he has a good head on his shoulders and if he has a good group of friends… and even if he gets in with the wrong crowd, that doesn’t guarantee he will do what they do. Try to relax and, if he starts getting into trouble or acting differently, deal with it then, but don’t assume or fear that it will happen because it’s just as likely that it won’t and he will be fine.

This might be more about you being worried about him doing the things you did, but he also may not.  If it helps, my older sisters definitely got into way more things than I ever did growing up.  And I hung out with kind of a bad crowd. haha