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TreenOfLane

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • in reply to: Reached out to an old friend and got ignored #365197
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    Lothar,

    That’s NOT an old friend.

    That’s someone you cared about 34 yrs ago.

    If it were a friendship, you would have stayed in touch through the years, sent Christmas cards, got to know each other’s families.

    This was a brief relationship, 34 yrs ago. You were friends then.

    Completely different people now, so it would be very surprising if she responded to you-now a stranger.

    Did you mention to your wife you were attempting this reunion of sorts?

    She definitely might not remember you after 34 years & there’s no real reason she would. Sounds like you’ve romanticized this. Life moves forward, you should too. And seriously consider why you are attempting to re-kindle this connection.

    Talk to your wife before this gets bigger.

    -my 2 cents.

     

     

     

    in reply to: anita: two of me (JACK???) #92508
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    ah, that explains a most unexpected & kind communique I got from an Anita recently. 🙂

    in reply to: Estranged from my Daughter #88599
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    Hi Saiisha,
    thank you. Yes, I think my change in letting go of old ideas, which is how she’s known me the longest, and embracing a quieter, more accepting way of life, has been difficult for her. And, Yes, I do think you may be right-she may be receding at this point. Simply not ready. And I very much appreciate the idea to send her a personal letter to let her know how much I am open to talking, at any point, out of love for our relationship to heal and regrow.
    Treen

    in reply to: Estranged from my Daughter #88598
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    hi anita,
    thank you for your insights on this, it has long hung heavy on my heart, so I value any different way of looking at this that I may have not considered.
    yes, perhaps that first post was written in haste, so my language choices were less than accurate. I could have clarified that of course, we’ve discussed the divorce with our children, simply not the nitty gritty details.
    My daughter has mentioned the divorce in passing, but seemingly with no more or less emphasis than her other general hints of dissatisfaction; so I’m trying to take a cue from her and let her (hopefully) lead our conversations to whatever topic she needs to.
    It was not particularly helpful to speculate on what the issue might be-she’s not ready to disclose, but I very much appreciated you taking time to consider my situation and pose some interesting questions and help clarify my statements.
    Treen

    in reply to: Estranged from my Daughter #88578
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    yes, thank you for giving this more thought.
    Perhaps I didn’t give enough detail-or wrote in a misleading manner.
    We have discussed the divorce with her multiple times including what led to it, but have not divulged nitty gritty details of the who, where and why. She has plenty of information of what occurred. Any more information shared with her would border on overly intimate and vulgar details, so we are comfortable with what we’ve shared. She is clear on why the divorce occurred.
    I don’t know if the divorce is the real conflict or not. Around the same time, her husband graduated law school and she felt I was underdressed for the occasion and embarrassed her by not interacting with her in-laws enough. I also took up biking at that time and she informed me it was a rather pedestrian activity for me to be engaging in. I had made a voluntary career change a few years before that which involved a demotion in pay but a wonderful renewed interest in my work (social work). My daughter was initially supportive and excited to see my enthusiasm re-ignited, but later became critical of my choice in working so hard to achieve and then taking 2 steps “backwards” just because I was burnt out on my job. This year I bought a house of my own, which I’m proud of. She’s embarrassed, it’s in a working class neighborhood, and often comments she doesn’t tell her in-laws or her friends where I live. In the past 2-3 years, I’ve worked hard to get some medical problems under control and a happy side effect is I’m very trim and healthy-which I had not been before, and she makes snide remarks about how that’s the one good thing about being poor- you stay skinny cause you can’t afford to eat.

    So I don’t know- It could be the divorce, it could be a perceived social slight, loss in family social status– maybe she wants her PTA mom back, the one with the perfect hair & uptight manners. At this point, I’m saddened that our communication has devolved so greatly that she cannot share what it is that is wrong. Whatever our specific issues might be-we cannot get to them if I cannot get her to communicate with me.

    in reply to: Estranged from my Daughter #88545
    TreenOfLane
    Participant

    Hi anita,
    It’s not a secret, it’s simply our personal relationship as married people.
    In the same way we would not share certain details of our marriage, such as love making, or perhaps a disagreement, with our children, we won’t be sharing these even more personal details with our children. We’ve always parented in a supportive, coaching role, not as our children’s “friends”; so there are topics we choose not to share with them to preserve those roles. The reasons leading to our divorce would cause discord, possibly judgment, and we don’t want the children compelled to choose sides. It’s the end of marriage, which is painful enough; not the end of being mom and dad.
    Treen

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)