Actually, this might be an even better book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Love-Recklessly-ebook/dp/B00CLTWPGU/ref=pd_sim_kstore_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=1A92VRET8N5MCJAJVH9T

Not the only good books and connecting with books is kind of personal, but something to consider, if interested.

Hello again Lasse,

You are understandably looking at these relationships from a particular perspective and with a bias. Sure, you are the common factor in all of these relationships, but it doesn’t mean that they all broke down due to any one particular reason that you could fix and then form a lasting relationship. It’s not just about you, but also about the other person. Now, we do tend to choose particular type of people, or rather, stay with particular types. Broken people tend to gravitate towards other broken people, and that doesn’t usually promise a healthy and lasting relationship. You have to have healthy people involved to have a healthy relationship. Healing can of course happen in a relationship as well, but romantic relationships by default aren’t supposed to be formed for therapeutic purposes. People who need to heal will need a lot of unconditional love, and romantic love isn’t unconditional. Of course you can have both in a relationship, but if you have two people who both need it and don’t have it, then where is it going to come from?

The point of this is that it’s not about you as a person being somehow unfit for relationships, but if you are at a point in life where you feel depressed, then it is going to affect your choices in partners as well, and those choices aren’t necessarily going to be very good.

I would like to recommend a book for you, not for the purpose of you looking at where you might be going wrong, but to see what a healthy relationship might look like. Not just how you “should” behave in a relationship, but also, what to expect from the other person. If someone leaves you and cuts all contact without any explanation, it says much more about them than it does about you. That is not a situation where you should look for yourself for fault, but to see the other person as incapable of handling an adult relationship. You can though ponder why did you choose to be with her instead of someone else. Preferably ponder from a neutral perspective, and not passing judgement.

Anyway the book is David Richo’s “How to be an Adult in Relationships”: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful-ebook/dp/B00HZ374KY/ref=pd_sim_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=04F4EG905C24JC4DPWHK I have it on Kindle myself, as it’s a quick and cheap way to get the book. If you don’t have a Kindle reader, you can always read the Kindle books in a browser as well, or get a free Kindle software for your computer. I am also a big fan of Nathaniel Branden, who’s books on self-esteem also show interesting patterns on how people with low self-esteem look at relationships and love.

You can’t expect to change those things overnight and even if you felt better about yourself and felt more confident in getting into a relationship again, it still wouldn’t be a guarantee of a successful relationship. But you might be able to handle disappointments better when you see things from a different perspective.

Love will come your way when you let it.

I wonder who my butt would dial if it had a choice.

I hope you don’t mind, Big blue, that I’m using your thread to ponder something out loud, but since you kind of started it, I’m going to continue from there 😛

I keep wondering now and again if I should just create an online dating profile. I’m just not sure, because I’m not on the prowl. It would just be fun to get to know new people. That’s just not usually enough for those who are on the prowl. I just want to bring new people into my life, regardless of their physical location. I half heartedly believe in the law of attraction (meaning, I do think it’s somewhat true, but do not obsess about it). I have all kinds of dreams and wishes, but I live in a rather small town and I work from home, so I am a bit isolated from all kinds of opportunities that life might throw my way. I’m just not sure if online *dating* site would be the best way to approach it. It’s the easiest for getting to know new people, but the idea behind it is dating and not…networking. And I think that it’s kind of networking that I want to do. Cast a net out there and see where it leads me. Create a beacon somewhere that would send out a signal saying “here I am”! 🙂

I just don’t know…

You don’t have to have kids to carry the past into the present moment 🙂 Anyone who is around the age suitable for Steve is going to have a past. Steve has a past. Things happen in life and people find themselves in new circumstances and they have to adapt. No need to be judgemental about it.

I do agree though that one should feel comfortable with themselves before starting dating.

The problem with online dating is that it creates the illusion of a marketplace, where you have a lot of options, but you know that you get to choose only one. So people behave the same way as when shopping for a large investment, like a car or a house. Some people hate shopping so much, that they would rather just quickly have their most basic needs met and be done with it. Some like to browse a bit more before making any commitment. It doesn’t mean being a player. That’s just how it ends up being in the world of online dating. Sure, there are also those who get so hooked on the dating process itself that they aren’t interested in settling for anyone.

As for this one person who is interested in meeting, but is being aloof. Aloof isn’t always a bad sign. Intensity is a worse sign than being aloof, to be honest. Being able to handle temper is important, in my opinion. She said that she has plans for next week, but is interested in meeting you. If you haven’t asked her any direct question that she should answer to, then what is the problem with the pace? She might be in contact with you after she comes back from the lake. Being really invested in one person even before meeting them is the sort of intensity that can be a bad sign. You haven’t established a true connection yet, so she isn’t invested enough in you. Doesn’t mean that she is a player. It can mean that she has a bit of common sense. Of course it could be that she is bonkers, but I wouldn’t say that based on what you’ve written.

You need to handle your own temper and cool down a bit. Don’t be too eager to settle for the first one that seems OK enough. That gives out an air of desperation, and that’s not good. Relax, and try to see the people as someone interesting that you might get to know along the way, and not as someone who could potentially offer you something that you need. That kind of attitude also takes away the shopping element, and you might be able to see and accept people as they are!

What Matt said!

What’s funny is that that is exactly how I felt in the past: like I was a princess trapped in a castle with barbed wire and dragons and witches and moats to keep the visitors away. I so wished that someone would’ve seen what was really happening when I was being difficult. I really don’t mean to make excuses, and I do think that everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, but when you’re constantly ready for battle, it would be so helpful to hear that you are truly loved, regardless of all the defences.

What have you tapped into? Inexhaustible source of women of all ages? 🙂

It is good to see some of our own behaviour patterns, but do look at it from a neutral perspective and do not use it for any kind of self-shaming. We all do the best that we can with what we’ve got and how we’ve learned to deal with things. Our world view is based on our experiences and if the experiences haven’t been that good, it’s easy to fall down and stay there, unable to get up, because we firmly believe that we belong there.

I look at root causes as the really, really fundamental beliefs. Believing to be deserving and worthy of love, care (physical and emotional), compassion, and so on. Not entitled to, but worthy of them. What ever would be the cause for someone thinking that they’re not worthy of those things is actually kind of unimportant in my opinion. What ever it is that caused it did cause it and is in the past, and now we just have to get back on track.

The entanglements can be solved with meditative practices. Get rid of the clutter, and don’t dwell on it too much. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m trying to be simplistic for the sake of portraying a picture that is easier to understand.

I had a rather spiritual experience in an Al-Anon meeting where I realised that as much as I longed to be loved, I never actually allowed myself to be loved. I didn’t let anyone in my heart. In that moment, I decided that I will allow love in. I focused on my own heart and aimed all the compassion that I could muster towards it. I also silently asked to be loved. I felt this surge of energy flowing in, and I wish I could say that it felt great, but I actually felt really nauseous and I could feel my muscles tensing up, trying to prevent this feeling from happening. But I was determined and powered through, and it was then that I truly realised that it was always me who didn’t allow the love in, and that the love was always there. It was I who saw myself as unloveable, and out of fear decided to keep my heart shielded. That love has never left my heart. There are good days and there are bad days. I fall down sometimes and then I ask for help and get back up. The general direction is still upwards. I don’t think I could ever fall into an abusive relationship again, because my view of myself is so radically different. I, as a person, am still the same, but I light up differently. I feel balanced and there is much, much less clutter in my mind.

What I wanted to illustrate with my story was that it was something very simple that happened to me that changed everything. It wasn’t the only thing, and I still keep learning clearer ways to see things. I’m not sure if such an exercise would work for everyone. The place where I was at that point was also very healing, as it was a support group, and I was in a particular state of mind, really ready to finally accept love, no matter how scary it felt like and knowing that I had to be humble to accept it. But it was still very simple and the key wasn’t to understand everything that had happened in my life which has lead me to that point of being in that support group meeting in the first place. The key was so simple and it was always there, had I just chosen to use it.

I was also completely unable to make any lasting, positive changes before I changed my core beliefs. I was always in an emotional whirlwind and always thinking and trying to understand. So don’t fret. I know how frustrating it can be when you try to change things, and you keep falling back down, but it doesn’t have to be like that forever.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.

Maureen,

A lot of your descriptions sounded very familiar to how I have felt. Outwardly very confident, but afraid of abandonment inside. In a way, the fear of abandonment can spur someone on to become lively and funny. It’s a way to guarantee that people would stick around for longer. Unfortunately the deep belief that one is actually not worthy of love tends to sabotage everything in the end. The created illusion of confidence can’t hide the deep seated beliefs for any prolonged period.

The good thing is that you can indeed overcome it. The bad thing is that it’s not easy to change fundamental beliefs.

Right now you are seeking attachment to someone else, so that you would feel loved, but the void within can not be filled by another person. It has to be filled by you. Others tend to treat you the way you treat yourself and how you see yourself: as likeable but not loveable. So you’ll probably have a lot of friends, but not that one romantic partner that you so crave to have. It’s not because factually there would be anything wrong with you. It’s because you fundamentally belief that there is something wrong with you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared. But those are all things that you’ve created for yourself and aren’t the actual truth.

There are a lot of things that you could do. Try to stay active here and look around, read and participate. I would also recommend both Susan Anderson’s and David Richo’s books. Try Metta meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

Above all, you’ll have to let love in. Believing deep down that you’re not worthy of love and then seeking love is like trying to push together magnets that have the wrong kind of polarity. You might be surrounded by love (and you are), but the fundamental belief will shield your heart from allowing anything in, and thus you end up depriving it of love as well. Don’t deprive yourself. Nurture yourself!