I personally do this visualization that has helped me tremendously to remember my own power and to remember not to get too lost in other people.

Imagine that you’re surrounded by a force field, like some sort of comic book hero. It’s a bit further than your physical body, but not too far away, and it’s powered by you; your focus and your energy. Everything that’s inside that force field is yours. It’s your kingdom and you are allowed to rule it in any way you see fit.

Everything that’s outside of that field is the rest of the world. That’s not under your control. You may try to control it, but that requires your focus and energy to be spread thin and while you’re doing that, you can’t have a force field to protect you.

This field is not a brick wall, but a bendy sort of glowing field, and it allows you to interact with others. You can smile at people and receive smiles back. You can even argue with people and be argued with. As long as you remember to use your energy to maintain your autonomy from others and to rule your own kingdom, you don’t have to worry about what is happening in other people’s kingdoms. If they want to quarrel, then remember that the quarreling is happening within their kingdom, not in yours. You can have a peaceful kingdom with a kind king, if you so want. Others will be more attracted to such a place, than a place of war and torment. Still, even when people are attracted, it’s good to remember that they are still the rulers of their own kingdom and not the inhabitants of yours. They can be your neighbors, but not merge into you.

I really love this sort of visualization, as it really helps me to remember where I end and other people begin, and it helps me to remember that I have an actual human being under my control and protection: me. I can do what ever I want with myself. For a recovering codependent who has always been more worried about other people, it’s a huge discovery and very empowering. You want to feel safe and good? Then create a kingdom where you feel safe and good. Abolish the voices inside that tell you that you’re not good enough and spread joy within. That’s all under your control if you so choose. When you realize this, it also leads to the realization that everyone else has this exact same possibility if they just want it. So you are in the presence of a really grumpy person who’s annoyed about everything? How sad that they have chosen to live like that. Then feel grateful how you’re living within a kingdom that takes care of you. If other people want to feel as good as you do, you can tell them that they can and be supportive, but you are not responsible of their choices.

I agree with Kelly. This is what I meant with web of illusions: to be so unsure of what’s reasonable and normal, that you start to accept unreasonable behavior. Or think that it’s your fault that he is acting in a certain way, and if only you would change in some way (which is never anything tangible), things would be better. Acceptance or punishment comes on a whim and it’s difficult to predict what will set the other person off, so it’s better to be careful about everything, and when you stray, you’ll blame yourself for causing disturbance. Or you try to find ways to please the other person so that they would for once be happy and accept you and there would be peace, but it never happens, or it happens so sporadically that you never really figure out what caused the perceived happiness, so you keep trying. It is torture and it is ridiculous.

Look for support groups, local and online. There are others with similar stories and if you can see it from an outsider’s perspective, you’ll see how unreasonable it really is. I have a hard time suggesting any one particular support group, because, well, I don’t know them all and I’m not sure what would be good for you. I’ve gotten help from Al-Anon which is for friends and family of alcoholics (my father was an alcoholic, and I didn’t join because of the alcohol, I joined because I had problems creating healthy relationships). I’ve also gotten help from an online community for victims of narcissists (that no longer exists and is in a different language). But there are several others. I really think you might benefit from seeing the same things play out in other relationships. You can’t right now see clearly your own relationship, because you are in it and you’re stuck in a certain thinking pattern, but seeing and talking to others with similar situations could be very beneficial. We tend to be much more compassionate and understanding towards other people, but deny that from ourselves. So…if someone else was stuck in a similar relationship, what would you say to them?

There is kind of a very simple way to deal with the fears and defensiveness: just take a moment longer to reflect on the situation.

Let’s say that you meet a person who triggers some fear in you. You can immediately go on the defense and say or do something which makes you feel like you are in control of the situation. In reality though, you’re allowing your fears to take control. The fear will arise, you can’t control that, but you can control how you react to that fear. Another person also doesn’t have control over you, even if you allow them to act according to who they are. Saying hello to someone doesn’t mean anything else than saying hello. Just like listening to another person doesn’t mean that their thoughts have now invaded your body and will take over. Relax, take a deep breath and just pay attention to what is happening. Pay attention to your own boundaries. If someone starts to walk all over your boundaries, you can end it in a peaceful manner. If someone tries to control you, you can simply say “no”. There is no need to lash back at them. But you do need to be aware of your boundaries and have some control over yourself. That is enough. The whole world can erupt into chaos and you can be fine if you maintain peace within your own boundaries. Other people can’t force you to let go of your peace and boundaries. You have the power over that.

Archie, I came across something this morning I want to share with you. I’m using this thread for that, and I hope it’s OK 🙂 I know you wrote about having a hard time trusting others in another thread, but I can’t remember which one it was!

Anyway, I found this author, David Richo, some time ago. I, too, have problems similar to yours. I’m used to thinking more than feeling and I get a bit flustered when I’m supposed to open myself up in a romantic situation. It’s awkward for me and I don’t quite understand intimacy. I know why that is and I think it’s kind of unimportant what the reason is, but I know that I have a hard time trusting and opening up. So, I found David Richo’s books and got couple of them for myself. Unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to read them through just yet (I get a lot of books and have them on my “to do” list for ages). However, everything I’ve read thus far has been really interesting. I thought you might like his thoughts as well.

Here are some quotes from him: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/186080.David_Richo

I got his book, “How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving”, because I know that when I get scared of intimacy, I start to act childishly. It’s how I deal with that fear, and I’m aware of it. Or at least, that’s how I’ve dealt with it before. I haven’t attempted to have a relationship now, since it’s more important for me to have a good relationship with myself first. http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful-ebook/dp/B00HZ374KY/ref=la_B000APU8IO_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395298157&sr=1-1

Another one, which might be interesting for you as well, is “Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy”. http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Trust-Opening-Ourselves-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00HZ374HM/ref=la_B000APU8IO_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395298157&sr=1-5

But even if you don’t get the books, I think you might also find something interesting in his quotes and writings that are found online.

Words definitely do hurt, but we can shield ourselves by choosing not to believe them or take them personally. When someone talks about another person, they unwittingly reveal more about themselves than about the person they are talking about. Try to remember that.

He is acting childishly. Just because a person is of a particular age and looks like a grown up, it doesn’t mean they have actually matured emotionally. It’s actually scary how common it is for adults to behave like children when they are hurt. Yes, I do think that he is hurt, but it is his responsibility to deal with that hurt, just like it is your responsibility to deal with yours. You both need to step up and realize that what is happening isn’t healthy. He needs to stop acting like a child with a temper tantrum, and you need to stop enabling him.

So stop taking personally what he says or does and see it as a completely separate thing from you. That way you can get a better perspective on things, a bit of neutrality, which helps you to start healing and enables you to make decisions based on rational thought rather than feelings. I know it’s easier said than done, but it would help you a lot.

When you can be a bit more neutral and don’t take the attacks personally, you also have time to start healing. I want to say that you definitely need to become more confident, but people tend to misunderstand what confidence means. You don’t have to become an assertive person if that’s not who you are. You can be quiet and confident, knowing that you are a worthy and loved and skilful person with her own precious body, mind, soul and life. You need to appreciate yourself and love yourself. If you don’t, then you’ll fall back into situations like that, where you accept someone else treating you in a bad way, even when you know that it’s not OK and it hurts. You are the only one who can do that. You are the only one who can choose to love yourself and take care of yourself. That choice is made again and again, so even if you tell yourself now that you choose to love yourself, you can’t just leave it at that. You need to keep at it and choose to love yourself for as long as it takes that it starts to come naturally.

Thank you for your post, Kelly. I read Isabelle’s last post and actually got hugely triggered by it. I felt physically sick by the thought of someone controlling me or telling me what I can or can not do. Your post alleviated that fear, which is why I’m thanking you.

Indeed we are all different. I see nothing wrong with friendships between men and women and I personally don’t feel like I need to be everything for one person or him be everything to me. Just like with friendships, I don’t expect certain friends to understand other aspects of my life, so I don’t discuss those with them, and discuss those things with other set of friends. I can understand that someone else feels differently and needs the security of one person.

I’ve been thinking here what would I do if I encountered someone like that and there was a possibility of a relationship. I think you may very well be right that it just wouldn’t work. Considering the reaction I had, it would make me terribly anxious and unhappy. So it really would be about one person having to be anxious and unhappy and neither could be truly happy and relaxed.