Dear Ashmitha,

it’s good that you talked with him again and expressed your needs, and also asked questions to understand him better. That’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship, and you did it well on your part.

He said “he likes you a lot and wants to make it work”. Well, what’s certain is that he likes to have sex with you and he likes your physical appearance, but other than that, he doesn’t show he likes you very much: he never talks with you on the phone, he doesn’t inquire about you during the day, he hardly replies to your texts, he hides you from his friends and family, he never spends weekends with you, and he stood you up multiple times when you had a date planned.

He only shows affection once a week – that’s when he treats you nicely, does some sweet talk, makes promises about the future, and then, he practically forgets about you…

You say you don’t think he’s stringing you along – maybe, but then he doesn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship looks like. And also, he can be caring and responsive to his friends and family – why can’t he be towards you? He doesn’t seem like some immature boy with no emotional intelligence – you said he’s quite caring with his family. But he doesn’t extend that caring to you. And it seems he doesn’t want to either – he doesn’t seem he really wants to change. Perhaps he really believes this is how the intimate relationship should be – be physically intimate, but emotionally not?

It’s good that you’re seeing it clearly that what you have isn’t a healthy relationship:

I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

 

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

He knows you as someone who is “low maintenance”, who never or rarely complains, who is easy going… and now that you’re voicing your concerns more openly, insisting on certain things, he’s probably taken aback. He can’t get away with his sweet talk and excuses so easily any more. So maybe he got a little afraid of you, he is on unknown territory, and that’s why you feel like he’s walking on eggshells?

I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.

It seems to me that he wants “this” what you have now to continue. He wants to keep the status quo, keep feeding you the lie that he cares about you, while in reality showing very little care and respect for you. Whether he’s doing it unintentionally (not knowing better), or intentionally (just using you for fun), is beside the point, since he doesn’t really want to change. The question is whether you want “this”, or you want something else?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I hear you, I understand your fear of being alone – not just because of “what the people will say”, but also because of your childhood experience. In your past relationships you went in and out somewhat unaware, driven by your unconscious fears. You needed someone to be there for you and protect you, that’s why you couldn’t stay single for too long. But also you didn’t want confrontation, so you escaped as soon as there was a problem, without talking it through with your partner.

This was your pattern in the past. But now you’re more aware of those fears, you’re also more aware of your true needs and that it’s legitimate to have them. So there’s a much bigger chance that now, you won’t go blindly into a relationship, and that you won’t escape as easily either. There’s a greater chance that you go into a relationship with self-awareness, with knowing what you want and need, and being willing to communicate openly and honestly.

You’ve been doing the communication part already, which is great, and it seems to me you’re ready for a new level of relationship. If your current boyfriend isn’t willing to follow you there, isn’t willing to change, there really is no need to keep yourself stuck with him. Rather, know that you deserve better and are ready for better, and work on your fears of being alone. Soothe and comfort your inner child, tell her you’ll be there for her and will never abandon her.

Fear is the main reason that keeps you stuck in this relationship. If you can work on it and process it, you’ll be free for so much more. And trust me, a better, healthier relationship is awaiting somewhere down the line!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.

Dear Dee,

I’ve been following your exchange with anita, and she’s given you some really good insight into why you might be tolerating your boyfriend’s cheating on you. You said you value honesty above all, and that you’re open to explore all kinds of relationship arrangements – as long as your partner is honest about what he wants:

I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me.

I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further.

However, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value honesty, on the contrary, he seems to get his pleasure and excitement from cheating. The reason I am saying this is when you once had a swinger deal, he couldn’t get erection, even though the woman was a type who’d your boyfriend would typically be very attracted to. This tells me it’s not exciting for him to be with other women if you know about it, but only if it’s in secret.

You say he loves you very much:

We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well.

It could be that two forces are working in him: one is the need for love and attachment, which he gets from you, and the other is the need to rebel and be “naughty” – which he gets from cheating on you with other women. The reason could be in his childhood relationship with his dominant mother – he loves her a lot, and at the same time wants to rebel against her dominance. This is just one possible explanation.

The point is that what you’re looking in him – honesty – is exactly what he might not be able to give you. At least not unless he would attend some serious therapy.

You say that his cheating behavior may be due to his fear for the future, since he might end up in jail for his alleged sexual misconduct. So he wants to make the best use of his time and have fun while he still can. But even if that’s the case, it means that his idea of “fun” is cheating on you. It’s not going to trips with you, or movies, or do other things that people usually have on their bucket list. So even if your explanation for his cheating is true, it’s bad news for you. No matter how you look at it, he’s a cheater and it might be stronger than him.

I know you really like this guy, even love him. You even said that if it doesn’t work out with him, you won’t be dating any more. But it seems to me it can’t work out with him, unless you want the status quo to continue: knowing about his unfaithfulness but not confronting him.

Dear natie,

I am sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Although you did cheat on your boyfriend, it seems to me that you’re treating yourself very harshly, believing that you are bad, “ugly as a human”, that your actions are ugly and that you deserve all of this:

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years yesterday not because he is bad but because i am.

When i cheated i immediately confronted my boyfriend, my mom , my sister and my best friend , i wanted those closest to me to know how ugly i can be as a human.

i updated him on everything i even told him i dont think u understand how ugly my actions were and I repeated what i had done to him with complete honesty multiple times

Im scared , i lost my job as well and i feel like I deserve all of this

This tells me you have a very negative core belief about yourself: “I am bad”. You say “I literally dont see any self worth”.  Are you aware when this belief started? Was it only after this affair, or even earlier?

In the situation with your boyfriend, you apologized for cheating and promised never to do it again. He was very supportive and in fact forgave you much more easily than you could forgive yourself. You couldn’t understand how he could be so forgiving. You wanted him to be angry at you and feel all those emotions and let them out, but he didn’t. He said: “I forgive you, i know your core and this doesn’t define you, lets put this behind us.”

I believe he was honest, he wasn’t suppressing his anger, and wasn’t feigning forgiveness.

But now, it seems he wants more commitment from you. He is considering moving back home, now that his father passed away. And you don’t want to, you have career plans abroad. I believe he probably sees it as a lack of commitment on your part, a lack of a deep desire to be with him, and even to sacrifice some things for him. It seems to me that he’s saying something like: “I love you enough to forgive you for what you did. Why can’t you love me enough to move back home with me if I ask you?” He feels his love is strong enough, but yours isn’t.

You said you’re a workaholic and that professional success is very important to you, so I can imagine you’d have a hard time sacrificing your job in order to be with him. It seems to me he’s asking you to do that, or at least to show willingness to do it, i.e. to put him first before your job. At least this is how I am understanding what is happening between the two of you.

Dear Diane,

you’re welcome. I am glad you felt a little bit lighter while packing up. I also understand it’s a big change for you, and you feel scared of what lies ahead. Do you have a new place picked? Please post whenever you feel the need, I’d love to read more about your journey.

Dear Felix,

I am sorry you’re having these repetitive thoughts again… you might find it easier to stop the mind chatter if you get into your body and connect to the here-and-now. There’s a famous method to reduce anxiety and ground yourself in the present moment. According to this method, you should name 5 things you can see around you, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This will activate your senses and bring you back into your body, which is your safe place. It’s an antidote for the anxious, racing mind.

You can also do some physical exercise as a part of your morning routine (you say anxiety usually hits you in the morning). This will not only distract your mind from obsessing, but also fill you with endorphins, dopamine and serotonin, which are the brain chemicals that contribute to feeling good and reduce stress and anxiety.

Try not to hate yourself when you start obsessing. You can simply notice “oh the voice is here again”. And then proceed to do some exercise, a few pushups, or go for a jog, or any physical activity. Can be work in the garden, cutting the grass etc, although it might be boring for you (gardening usually is quite boring for young people 🙂 ). Anyway, I think exercise can help you a lot to neutralize that voice and feel better about yourself.

Dear triss,

Part of it is fear, part of it is sadness, for all the bad he was also my best friend and we did have some really great times and that makes me very sad to lose that. We had plans for a future that we also won’t see happen

I am sorry he’s changed so much, or your relationship changed… When you say you had some really good times and he was your best friend, how was he different back then? How was your relationship different? Was he more understanding and less critical of you?

How about you? You said “I also feel responsible for failures in the relationship – not all, but I have my own culpability in how I responded to things.” How do you think you contributed to the current conflict? (although his behavior, specially physical abuse, isn’t justified by anything you may have done wrong).

You don’t need to answer these questions if you feel uncomfortable talking about it here. But you can think about it for yourself, because it may help you in considering what to do next, i.e. whether you want to try to save your marriage or not.

I understand now that your feeling of being scattered is related to your current living conditions – temporarily staying at your brother’s place, which is 1.5 hours away from the place you work. And also, to the fact that your work is changing to something you don’t necessarily like (writing instead of designing). It seems these changes make you question your identity and add to your sense of insecurity, possibly along the lines of “what do I really want with regard to my job?”…

It seems to me that you’re at a crossroad in your life, triss. Perhaps this situation forces you to look deep into yourself and what you really want, both in terms of relationship and career. I agree with Kimita that it would be important to have support in this sensitive period. It’s great you have your brother’s support, at least in terms of having a place to stay. Try to surround yourself with supportive, non-judgmental people, as much as possible. A counselor would be great too, if you can afford it.

Also please keep sharing here on the forum, if you see some benefit from it…

Dear triss,

You’ve been with your partner for 8 years, married for 3 years, and it appears you’re starting to wake up now to what kind of person he really is. The last straw was when he hit you. It happened once and it prompted you to leave immediately (good decision, btw!).

You say you’re heartbroken, and it seems to me it’s because the illusion you had about him is crumbling now:

I thought he would get it – see that I left and take this seriously – profess his love and apologize and really. want to change – instead it’s been demands, anger, threats of suicide and more. There has not been an I love you or an I miss you – mainly attacks then “what was that brand you buy from the grocery.

You thought he’d realize how much he loves you, apologize and beg you to come back. But instead, you’re getting more of his anger, unreasonable demands and suicide threats.

You say you’re realizing that some of the things in your marriage and relationship were a lie, and that he has been lying to you:

I learn more every day – of the lies I have lived with about our marriage, wedding, relationship. There was no cheating – just lying about events, name calling and so on.

It seems to me that you’re waking up and realizing what kind of person he really is. It’s like you’ve lived in an illusion so far, and now your eyes are being opened. And I think a part of the reason you tolerated and perhaps haven’t even noticed his emotional abuse for so long, is that you believed you deserved to be treated like that.

You said you’re selfish, but didn’t explain in what sense you believe you’re selfish. If you believe there’s something wrong with you, you’ll be more likely to tolerate other people disrespecting you and abusing you.

I don’t know what I’m doing – I just know right now I am absolutely heart broken – and I just want to find my way back to myself – and purge this awful feeling out.

I understand this is very hard for you now. Yes, it would be important to find the way back to yourself. And I think it would help if you would explore how you are judging and condemning yourself, and thus making yourself a target for other people’s disrespect and abuse.