Forum Replies Created
-
Dear Namaste87,
I am sorry that you grew up in a dysfunctional family, witnessing your mother attempting suicide at the tender age of 4, and then being her emotional care-taker, listening to her complaints, trying to console her…
It seems to me you’ve come a long way in healing yourself and understanding what happened to you, and what you need to do to preserve your mental health and your peace of mind. As you say, the proof of your progress is your decision to have a child, after having resisted it in the past, fearing that you may hurt them. You don’t have those fears and nightmares any more – congratulations on a healing work well done!
I often find myself exhausted listening to them over and over again . Most of the times I listen to my mother sympathetically, sometimes I urge her to separate from my father if past memories still haunt her and some mornings like today ā I remind her that she is repeating the same stories over the years. She is not someone who will go for therapy either.
You have been listening to your mother’s complaints your whole life, and it drains you emotionally. You cannot help her, because she’s stubborn and sees herself as a victim, and thus, doesn’t want to help herself. I know how it feels, my mother is the same: she feels like a victim, others are to blame, and she doesn’t want to seek counseling.
You’d need to understand that no matter what you say or do, you can’t help her and cannot make her feel better – because her pain comes from within, from her own wounds, not from the outside. It’s true that your father was abusive, but as you say, your mother could have done something over the years to remove herself from the situation. But she hasn’t, and now they are co-dependent. She is living in the past, recycling the old stories and the old pain – reliving the old trauma – without a desire to heal it. She isn’t taking responsibility for herself and her well-being, but is dumping her problems on to you, robbing you of your energy.
So first, you’d need to understand you can’t help her because she doesn’t want to help herself. And second, you’d need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to help her. You’d need to allow her to be in her own pain – since that’s something she is consciously choosing.
You tried giving her advice, you tried helping her financially.. but nothing helps. She says she needs someone to listen to her – well, you listened to her your entire life, and she’s repeating the same old stories, in which she is the victim. There’s no point in listening some more, because it will only make you feel worse: emotionally drained, feeling helpless because you can’t help her and she’s in pain. That’s what makes you feel like crying…
You’d need to separate yourself emotionally from her and not take on her pain, not feel responsible for her pain. You are allowed to be happy even if your mother is in pain. You can have compassion for her and help her when you see the need, but not allow that she uses you for dumping her emotional “garbage”. That’s how I believe you can create boundaries with her.
Let me know how this sounds to you…
Dear Ashmitha,
I am sorry you felt bad after the breakup and started questioning yourself. It was to be somewhat expected because being single triggers your old fear – fear of being alone, without protector, without a safe male companion. This guy seemed safe, and he probably was in the sense that he wouldn’t physically abuse you. He had a very calm demeanor – very different from your father. He would never raise his voice, he would never quarrel with you, he would listen calmly and even acknowledge his mistakes (at least with words). This was very appealing to you because it meant he won’t physically harm you, that you’re safe with him, and that should you marry him, you wouldn’t be in danger of domestic violence.
So he didn’t abuse you physically, or verbally, and it sounded promising to you. Probably you weren’t even conscious of it, but his calm, peaceful presence was very important to you. So important that it made you believe he was a good, kind man – even though he was emotionally unresponsive and in fact, abusive. A scared child in you cherished his peaceful presence so much that it clouded your judgement…
Luckily, another part of you (the adult in you) felt that something is off and started questioning his intentions. Little by little, you’ve realized he’s giving you breadcrumbs and this isn’t how a healthy relationship should be.
I had told him I was starting to resent him for ignoring my needs after I expressed them and he said we should break up if I resented him. It had me questioning if I was in the wrong or he was and I was second-guessing my word choice. Like maybe I was rushing him..He said he was doing it for my own good. I felt that insecure part of me after breakups come back.. I thought I had grown since then.
So, your adult part told him you’re resenting him for not meeting your needs and that you want more out of the relationship. Your adult part agreed to break up with him, knowing he’s not willing to change and doesn’t want a serious relationship. That’s the rational part. But then your scared inner child started panicking after she realized that from now on, you’ll be without his peaceful presence. The scared child has only one goal in mind: to feel safe, so you started second-guessing yourself and even tried talking to him again, possibly reconsidering your decision.
The scared inner child is the insecure part that you’re referring to. She wants to feel safe, and feels threatened when alone. That’s why I told you to try to tend to this scared part, which needs to feel physically safe. Try to be a good parent to her, protecting her and telling her she’s safe with you. If you have a doll, you may want to stroke her hair and take her into your arms to protect her.
You say “I thought I had grown since then“. You grew in understanding, but not necessarily emotionally. The scared inner child is still in you… and needs to be soothed. You need emotional healing, and I hope the inner child work can help you with that.
As for advice for dating in the future – my advice is to first heal your emotional wounds (primarily the fear of being alone), and only then seek a new relationship. You’ve already started working on your other big fear: fear of confrontation, i.e. of expressing your needs, which was another obstacle in your relationships. You had a break-through in expressing your needs, and I think it was a huge step for you. How do you feel now about expressing your needs? Do you feel you’re stronger and more able to do it in the future as well, or there is still some fear and insecurity around that?
Dear Felix,
I am glad you liked the scratching the itch analogy, and that it helped you understand your mind better. Also, that you’ll do some jogging or walking in the near future. Do you have some green areas in the vicinity of your housing complex?
it really has a positive effect on me like from the girl problem i can finally realize that iāve been so close minded that i only focused on getting her attention without realizing that iām embarrassing myself, now iām always looking at something in a bigger picture. .. I finally know that i dont need to get unnecessary attention to be happy.
That’s great, Felix, that you don’t have this craving to impress anyone, including the girl you liked, and that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. That’s truly precious!
But to realized all of this, iāve to suffer painā¦ does this world really works this way? Like in order to be a better person weāve to go through pain and struggles? Does there really a person who become a better person without pain and struggles?
Yes, the world and us people really work like that. We only change when we’re forced to. We only learn on our own mistakes (and sometimes not even then!), and not on other people’s mistakes. Some spiritual traditions call it “the school of hard knocks”. And also, we grow and become better people through pain and struggle. That’s the law of life.
Rare are the people who spontaneously realize that they could improve their character. We’re usually faced with relationship problems, or fears and anxiety, or anger management issues, or the inability to advance in our career because of low self-esteem etc etc – and this forces us to change. There’s always some problem, some obstacle we face, and in order to overcome it, we need to change. That’s life, that’s how growth happens.
iām hoping that iām taking the right path in being a better and more mature person as i grow older. Also i hope this right path will save my dignity after all that embarrassment on social media (pls say yes
)You’re becoming more and more self-aware, Felix, and it’s a pleasure to see. You’ve understood some of your childhood programming, and why your self-esteem was so low. You’re now slowly but surely developing self-esteem, learning that you’re worthy, that you don’t need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself. You’re also willing to work on yourself, gain a sense of accomplishment, work toward calming your anxious mind etc. You’re on the right path, Felix, and are getting more mature with every passing day.
We can change – that’s the beauty of being human. You’re changing, you’re becoming more and more of your true self. Just keep going, with lots of patience and compassion for yourself, doing little steps that will make you feel good internally, happy and pleased about yourself, and more and more at peace… As I said, I am rooting for you!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 