Dear Natie,

I’ve been catching up with your posts on this thread, since when you posted originally I was on holidays and rarely at the computer. I see that you’re questioning whether it was a good idea to initiate the breakup, and further, whether you’re an evil person, a devil, for focusing on your career first and not wanting to settle down just yet.

This is what you wrote on the subject of career vs settling down:

he wanted to get married from the first year of our relationship and i want to be with you but lets first figure out our careers and do our MBAs and then we can settle.

he said some ugly words about the fact that he doubts any guy would want to be with me with my mentality ( not wanting to marry right now and join him at the states because im still not ready and we agreed on marrying at 27 and so i arranged my career and studies to happen prior to that time-

he always told me he was proud of me and how motivated i am in my career and he feels bad for my bad luck in my unstable jobs but suddenly i was told twice that i was selfish and i put work as a priority because if you love someone you need to compromise and life is short and work in a specific field is not important

im putting alot of effort into my career and studies at least for the next 3 years and refusing to tie the not in the meantime,

im asking too much from a guy to wait all these years ( especially that he met me at 21/22) just for me to start my career and get my MBA , , in his own words ” no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..

he saw my latest internship to the UAE ” as a selfish move and that i did it for my own good and not to the good of the relationship” –> which is a point i can not understand till now

we had a huge fight two days ago where he ended up acusing me of being slefish and just want to follow my career

i asked him to continue doing our long distance relationship like any other couple but he said that this is not love and im not putting him as a priority then

It appears that from the start of your relationship, he wanted to settle down relatively soon (presumably after you both graduate?), but you didn’t want that and expressed that to him. You then agreed to get married at 27, after you get your MBA and/or settle in your career. So it seems that in the beginning, he agreed to wait and supported you in pursuing your career and further education first. But after a while, specially after his father’s death, he seems to have changed and started accusing you of being selfish for putting your career first before him.

Would you say that’s true – that you initially had an agreement, and then the circumstances changed, and as a result, his attitude changed too?

It could be that his father’s death was a big emotional shock to him, and suddenly he became more vulnerable, asking you to accommodate for that and change the original agreement (of getting married at 27). But you had and still have the same goals and ambitions as before (nothing wrong with that), and didn’t want to abandon them just like that. So you’re sticking by the old plan, and he’s asking you to change it, for his sake.

I don’t think you’re evil for wanting to accomplish your career goals. I don’t think he is evil either for feeling vulnerable and perhaps lonely, and wanting to settle down sooner. I still think it would be best if the two of you could talk honestly and try to understand each other’s motives. But if every discussion you have ends up in an argument and him accusing you of being selfish, then he isn’t willing to see your point.

What I am noticing as a potential problem is that perhaps he doesn’t feel heard by you, because you tend to immediately offer practical advice on how to reduce his pain. For example, when his father died, you said you were sending him prayers, meditations, suggesting therapy etc, but when talking to him on the phone, you weren’t very supportive but moody, and perhaps he sensed it. Perhaps, rather than hearing about ways to reduce his pain, he just wanted to be heard and his pain acknowledged. Or, when he called you from the US in the middle of the night, crying, you told him to man up and were upset that he woke you up:

3 days after his arrival to the states he called me crying in the middle of the night and i was like really? and i started talking with a high pitch but all my content was me telling him the following ” its tough  i know we all been there , i know people who kept on crying for 6 months and wanting to leave and then they survived it ,, i went through this just like you last year and its going to be ok, you need to man up as your father told you ,, etc..” anyways we ended up arguing as he was like why are you screaming why are you acusing me of waking you up , why cant you be more loving by telling me that its ok to go back home or to keep on crying and that its difficult and nothing forces you to stay , etc…

It seems like he didn’t feel heard by you, because you sort of attacked him for calling you in the middle of the night, and then you told him to man up and “get over it”.

You said you were like a mother to him in the first 2 years of your relationship, helping him in so many ways and teaching him how to improve himself. Anita likened your behavior to that of a practical mother. Indeed, you seem to be very practical and pragmatic in your approach: if there’s a problem, you seek to fix it as quickly as possible. But you may be missing the soothing, comforting quality of that “mother” – having compassion and understanding, and simply listening to the other person, being there for them, “sitting with their pain”, so to speak.

It doesn’t mean you need to be a mother to him, either a practical and problem-solving, or a comforting one, but I am just saying that there might be an energy about you where you tend to seek solutions before you really empathize with the person. I wonder if you see any truth in this?

Dear canary,

you’re welcome, and I am glad it feels freeing to you to still love him but not having expectations of him changing. This helps you be free from emotional attachment to him, from the hope and excitement that you feel if he shows signs of improvement, followed by disappointment and anger if he hurts you again. Basically, it frees you from the emotional roller-coaster, where you make your happiness and well-being dependent on his actions. I am sure you know all this, but I am still saying it out loud to make a stronger point 🙂

As for his disorder, there are people who love and care only about their immediate family, and would do anything for them – even lie, cheat and steal if necessary (i.e. behave in an antisocial manner). It seems your ex might belong to this category of people… When you were his friend and then girlfriend, he might have put you in the “loved ones” group and would behave kindly to you, or at least would try. Although you say that even then he lacked empathy, but perhaps he was willing to work on it and become “a better person” for your sake. Even after you broke up, up until April 2021, it seems he had remorse for leading you on and hurting your feelings. He even said he was a “shitty person”. He seems to have regretted that he’d hurt you.

I guess this is the personality that you liked – that he at least saw how some of his actions were hurtful and perhaps showed a willingness to change. But this April, it seems he stopped caring – you say he stopped caring how his actions affect you. I guess this is how he behaves with everybody outside of his “loved ones” group: he doesn’t care about them, doesn’t care if he hurts them or exploits them. This is probably the personality you detest and don’t want to have anything to do with.

It seems to me you saw a potential in him when he was open to change, when he would admit his mistakes and show some remorse. That was attractive to you and got you hooked, got you hopes up. Based on what you’ve written, he never was truly caring and supportive of you, but at least he was “trying”, or he saw that he “should be” more empathic, and this was what kept you hoping. You did say in your last post that you had “a great bond and connection”. But I wonder if that bond was rather around working on his “improvement” and his need to change, and not really a bond in terms of feeling respected and supported by him?

Dear Rob,

I have spoke with a therapist and they believe if I have to admit I have a problem then maybe they need to look at themselves as having a problem. Which a family and friends + spouse have drug and drinking problems. Far more then I but I’m pointing fingers.

I think your therapist is right – your family discourages you from seeking professional help because it would disturb them and force them to take a look at their own addiction, which they don’t want to, at least not at the moment. And your reluctance to seek help could be in part caused by your desire to fit in, to not “rock the boat”, maybe even not to appear “better” or superior than your family.

I agree with anita – definitely do seek help, because it’s not going to get better, the drinking problem won’t just miraculously go away. You can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, specially surrounded by people who make it harder for you to stop drinking…

Dear canary,

you’re welcome. I think I know where you’re coming from: you sincerely care for him and would like him to be his best self, not necessarily for you, but for himself – to have as happy and fulfilling life as possible. It’s normal and understandable to feel like that towards the people we love and care about.

The problem is when we see a potential in our partner and want to change them, because how they are at the moment isn’t acceptable to us. I’ve been with people in whom I saw a potential and wanted to “save” them, and it didn’t end well. It never does. As you yourself say, we can’t force anybody to change, and it’s really futile and even counterproductive to be in a relationship with someone whom we cannot accept the way they are at the moment. It’s much more fair to never enter such a relationship, or to step away, as you did.

The problem for you is to how to let go of hope, since hope you say is holding you back. I think you should let go of the attachment to him changing. Because it seems a part of you is still attached to the idea that he would change and then you’d be happy together. You can still hold a vision of him being his best self (you can even pray for that, if you’re religious), but you let go of the attachment that he would change and fulfill you. That way you free yourself to live your life independent of him and his decisions, and yet you can still feel love and care for him, by holding a positive vision for him, but without any expectations.

How do you feel about this?

Dear Felix,

it seems she strengthened the decision not to date you, and it’s not only because of her parents’ pressure/advice, but also because she feels that’s for the best. She wants to enter a relationship when she is ready and has serious intentions (she said when she finds a job, and when she is thinking about getting married), and right now that’s not the case.

It seems that right now she wants to focus on her studies and not be distracted by a relationship, and it’s a legitimate decision. That’s what she’s already told you before, but when you posted that “goodbye” post, probably her ego got a bit hurt and she started the cycle again, messing up with you, giving you hope. She shouldn’t have done that. But she’s young and no wonder she has doubts and insecurity. Try to forgive her for giving you false hope…

But also, take this as her final decision and start detaching yourself from her, accepting that she’s at the same point where you were 4 or 5 years ago, just entering university, with a million opportunities before her and at least a dozen possible life scenarios. What will be 4 or 5 years from now? No one knows. So there is no point in holding onto something that’s not there, that’s unknown, that will only take shape in the future… Leave the future to the future, and if you want, to God and fate. But don’t hold on to it, don’t hold on to something that doesn’t have a shape yet.

Focus on the here and now, on what you want to do with your life right now. Things we’ve talked about before, such as improving your self-esteem, developing a sense of accomplishment, hitting the gym, jogging etc. My advice is to work on yourself first and don’t even think of chasing girls for the next 6 months. Become a more self-confident person, and I guarantee you, you’ll be more successful in dating and finding a suitable girl too.

Dear Moonflower,

I honestly believe that as long as what my thoughts, spiritual journey and interests are all aligned with the highest good, love, light, growth and purest intentions, focused on kindness and compassion with a deep respecg for all that is, this earth and inhabitants, surely no God or universe would consider that a sin/bad/need for punishment?

I too deeply believe that God is love, and that you’re not misguided in your spiritual quest for highest love. Also, I believe that you aren’t bad or sinful, or should fear punishment, for having a broader view of spirituality than your own religion does.

This got me reflecting on my own self and my spiritual journey. I have many fsmily/in laws/friends that are Christian and I know when I have expressed that I’m spiritual there’s been a dismay with them. It’s made me afraid to live authentically.

is me being into crystals, interested in other religions, oracle decks, meditation etc all a sin and I’m misguided? I’ve been reflecting on this and know that this is me now reflecting based on my own fear and fear of judgement from others.

It seems to me that you’re afraid of being judged by your family, your in-laws and friends, and that this is what keeps you from being yourself and living authentically. How about your partner – do you feel supported by him in your spiritual quest and free to express your beliefs in front of him?

Dear Sammii,

you say about your boyfriend:

I really love him as a person, he’s been in my life so long

but you also say:

a lack of respect for me, had a wondering eye, never physically cheated as far as I’m aware! But was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox.

I did talk to him about this, he tried to change but it still wasn’t enough, he just tried to buy me instead of actually listening and being there for me.

I wanted to marry him for so long but he didn’t at the time apparently wanted to make it special (10 years though)

A lack of respect for you and the fact that he was never (or rarely) there for you would be a good enough reason to break up and not to marry this guy. You say you were hinting all the time that you want to get married, but he didn’t seem to pick up the message. It appears to me that you were afraid to express your needs and were tolerating a rather unacceptable behavior. Could it be because you don’t value yourself enough?

Dear kleineBlumealleine,

you’re very welcome. The fact that he forced you sit down and stay in his company is just one more sign, and a strong one, that you should stop friendship with him and free yourself from his emotional abuse.

Have a nice Sunday yourself and post whenever you feel like it. All the best to you!