Dear Tineoidea,

I have thought of BPD but generally it’s something which manifests itself much earlier in one way or another, not almost two years into the relationship. Who knows at this point.

I don’t know enough about it. I know that people with BDP have difficulty maintaining friendships (and relationships in general) because they tend to be very passionate and super attached at first, but then get angry and disappointed when the other person shows even the slightest signs  of “abandonment”, e.g. not agreeing with them, or not giving them what they demand. They may claim that “this person has turned against me”, even if it’s not true in reality, it’s just that they perceive it like betrayal. I don’t know if your girlfriend had such rocky relationships in her life, and such extreme reactions (before this situation with you)?

Thanks for the help nevertheless, it’s all been rather insightful.

You are very welcome. Please update us about the developments, if you feel like it.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear Tineoidea,

“There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you.”

Actually I don’t think that’s the case. What I noticed is that she started to mirror his behavior towards me and using the same tactics which were alien to her before.

I see. It’s like she became a different person. I’ve mentioned it several times that she said she doesn’t know who she was. Suddenly changing her behavior and even personality completely, from one extreme to another, can be related to borderline personality disorder (BDP). I am not an expert and wouldn’t like to “slap” diagnoses on people, so this is just a possibility. A part of the BDP, as I read, is that they are confused about their identity:

“Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence, or inconsistency, in a person’s sense of identity. This could mean that a person’s goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing.

It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) describes identity disturbance as a “markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self” and notes it is one of the key symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).”

You say that she was behaving in one way with you, and then with him, she adopted his style and mannerism, as well as his way of thinking. So for example, when she was with you, she might have felt that the problems the two of you had were minor – because you said they were minor. With him, those same problems became huge – because he said they were huge. It’s like a child who doesn’t know to decide whether to cry or not after they fall – they first look at their mother to see her reaction. If the mother panics, the child starts crying. If the mother says it’s nothing and reassures the child, the child might not even start crying and keeps running around.

Anyway, this could be a possible explanation of the “flipping” that happened in her mind. If this is true, it’s a major issue and needs persistent therapy. Usually dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

I’m not sure how to feel but things have been (very slowly) getting easier. For now I’m giving it plenty of time and not contacting her.

Good strategy…

I still can’t shake off the feeling that this development has been very wrong and there’s some sort of childish hope growing in me. I want to believe that she’ll have to fortitude to come back to herself and detach himself from him, so we can at the very least have a proper conversation like we used to.

This development was wrong but I think it was inevitable – something else would have triggered her to flip sooner or later. Your “friend” was the catalyst. If she has BDP, she won’t be a pleasant partner to live with – unless she undergoes therapy. The only weird thing is that you said her parents were “exemplary”, and it doesn’t really go hand in hand with someone developing BDP. So perhaps not everything was so peachy as she told you it was… or of course, BDP is not what she is suffering from. So please, take this with a grain of salt…

Dear Tineoidea,

The relationship problem mostly centered about my living situation, and was very much solvable with a bit more time and effort. In fact, before she got involved with him, she did want to work on it together.

How willing were you to work on this problem?

She’s very vocal and direct about things she dislikes and repeats them often enough, so I do know those things, plus like I said, I did act on them.

Have you acted on the problem with your living situation?

The crux of the problem when it comes to my character, became the notion that I treated him very poorly, with no evidence of any kind being ever presented.

She believed him for some reason, and (unless she is completely irrational and he put “a spell” on her), the reason, as I said, might be that she felt treated poorly by you? I know you said it’s impossible because she complained out loud about the things she disliked, and you would have known if there was something that bothered her so much…  unless she was afraid to be completely honest with you? Afraid of being discredited perhaps, like she was by her brother? I am grasping at straws here, because I really don’t know what to suggest at this point, which would explain her behavior…

Dear OrangeHeart,

good! I am glad it didn’t overwhelm you and that you feel calmer now (and no, you absolutely didn’t overwhelm me – no worries 🙂 )

I just need to figure out what to do! It’s really not a relationship I want to just throw away but I really can’t see a way to improve this… I think I need to take some time to myself! Thanks so much!

You are very welcome. Any time you need to vent or have any doubts or questions, please don’t hesitate to post.

Wish you well, and take care!

Dear Ashmitha,

Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy, and in my head I’m like why wouldn’t I want to be with someone like that?

From what you shared here, he hasn’t been a caring person towards you. We’ve explored all that before. You’re now again questioning yourself instead of realizing that you are not the problem, but he is.

I like being pursued by a man and not vice-versa, which may be an ego issue on my part.

You just want the guy to show interest in you beyond sex. It’s not an ego issue on your part but a normal expectation.

I’m just bad at being vulnerable and letting my walls down out of fear of being hurt.

You have been vulnerable with him, you told him what you need from him, you opened up. What was his reaction? First, he said it’s better you break up because he isn’t mature enough. Now he has introduced a couple of phone calls into your weekly routine. Anything else beyond that? How did he change compared to how he was before the breakup?

Dear Ashmitha, you’re blaming yourself again, as if something is wrong with you for not being able to be happy with this guy. As I said, nothing is wrong with you. But you don’t believe it, and I think it’s because the inner child tells you differently. The child always blames themselves when the parent doesn’t love them. What I believe is happening now is that the little girl in you is blaming herself for not being lovable enough…

Dear Tineoidea,

Even if she snaps back to reason and reaches out for me, I wonder if somebody like that could be a trustworthy partner for life, considering just how many times she betrayed me during a few weeks.

It’s a good question. It is strange how she could be so easily manipulated by someone whom she only knew online (btw, for how long did they know each other?). As if she didn’t know you at all, and trusted him more than she trusted you. I did ask you recently whether she perhaps wanted to extract more information about you from him, since he’s known you much longer than she did. But that’s probably not the case, since she knew you well enough? (She’s known me in and out for a long time, mentally, emotionally and physically).

And even if doubts arise, doesn’t it make sense to discuss them with your partner and closest friend instead of betraying him on the spot while fully switching to the side of your former abuser?

Yes, it makes sense, she should have talked to you instead of complaining to him. I wonder how much she actually trusted you and whether what he told her about you actually resonated with her? Maybe she agreed with him on certain things about you? Maybe she wasn’t honest with you and had reservations that you didn’t know about? That could explain why she so readily believed  him.

Plus, she had issues with her brother, which additionally hooked her into trusting your former friend. But I think just the brother issue alone wouldn’t have been enough to so completely fool her. The only logical explanation to me is that she must have had reservations about you that she never shared with you before.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear OrangeHeart,

Sorry I feel like im just on a rant now but I honestly feel like im losing my mind, I cant believe ive found myself in this situation. Again

I am glad you’ve shared because what he’s been doing is more than trying to control his environment to reduce his anxiety (what I assumed earlier). He has tried to come between you and your best friend, he badmouthed him, so you wouldn’t spend time with him. He gets offended and gives you the silent treatment when you speak to this same friend on the phone. This tells me he is possessive and jealous and willing to choose any means (even lying and manipulating) to stop you from interacting with your friend.

He is also hiding things from you, not telling you the whole truth, inventing things that never happened (gaslighting you), due to which you started questioning your sanity. He gives you a 2-day silent treatment even for washing the dishes at his place! This all shows a very difficult personality, manipulative, easily offended, controlling, possessive…

Now I just feel like it was done intentionally to put distance between us and it worked, and its annoyed me because my ex done the same thing but he was extremely controlling and manipulative and definitely on purpose!

What if your current boyfriend is similar? Maybe not on purpose, I mean maybe he cannot help himself, but still, the result is the same?

Dear Tineoidea,

Plenty actually, and in fact she was a first-hand witness of his poor behavior and character, hell, she herself suffered from it. She knows that he caused me many troubles in the past. … I did warn her many times, she herself said that he does appear to be possessive when the whole circus began.

I am sorry to say this, but she reminds me of you, Tineoidea. This is what you said about her disregarding his abuse and going back for more:

I was intent on cutting him off since he simply refused to reason, apologize and own up, instead he kept doubling up on his abuse of her and made me lose more and more trust in him. Meanwhile, she kept wanting for things to work out, didn’t want me to lose an old friend, and so I kept trying to mediate.
The absurd thing here is that despite her being very aware of the situation and constantly voicing that interacting with him does her no good and that she should stop, she still kept doing it on and off, coming back bruised and in tears every time.

This sounds exactly like what you’ve been doing in your friendship with his guy: disregarding the abuse and always going back to him, for the sake of loyalty. You didn’t want to lose an old friend, and she too didn’t want you to lose an old friend. She echoed your attitude, but then took it to the extreme, where she lost the sense of reality. You at least know you’re not the bad guy, you know who you are. But she doesn’t, remember? (“I don’t know myself”)

He couldn’t fool you into thinking that you are a bad friend and a bad person (although he tried to). But he could fool her. It’s not entirely your fault, because it was her who chose to go back for more, but you sort of opened the door, you allowed this guy to be your friend and be a part of your realm (and even your intimate relationship with your girlfriend) and ruin things.

In a previous post, you weren’t sure if you should “salvage the relationship”. Well, I hope you see why you shouldn’t, ever, unless he changes radically.