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  • July 24, 2021 at 12:51 pm in reply to: Parents don’t respect my boundaries and feelings #383388
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Annie,

    I have actually started taking a personal development course on healing emotional wounds but just havenā€™t had time to do any of it because Iā€™ve been so busy with work.

    That’s great! By all means do that course – find a time for it, clean your schedule, it will be a game changer!

    I feel like if I confront them, they will be offended. Itā€™s easier for me to confront them in English than my native language and because of the culture, I donā€™t think they will understand.

    What exactly are you afraid they won’t understand? According to your culture, are you as the eldest daughter responsible to single-handedly help them, while your younger sister is spared of all duties?

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
    July 24, 2021 at 12:28 pm in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383385
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    Yes. When I was having rough days with my depression and anxiety, I felt alone and helpless. Although I told my mother everything, she would support me and give me advice and understand my pain but it still felt lonely.

    Right… she supported you in the sense that she didn’t condemn you for your anxiety, she didn’t blame you, yell at you, shameĀ  you, etc – which is great. But she also didn’t really help you – she let you skip school instead of talking to the teacher for example. As a result of confiding in her, you didn’t feel much better, and you weren’t better equipped to deal with your anxiety next time it happened. That’s why you felt alone and helpless… you were alone against the enemy called anxiety and nobody could help you. That’s pretty traumatic for a child…

    But there are ways to repair the damage, so to speak. You can now create that safe container for yourself, and learn how to calm yourself down. There are many free videos on youtube on reducing stress and anxiety. I specially like the “Therapy in a Nutshell” channel – you may check it out if you’d like.

    These are my suggestions for now – let me know what you think and how you feel about the things we’ve spoken about (possible causes of your anxiety) and possible help too…

     

     

     

    July 24, 2021 at 12:06 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383382
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    He hasnā€™t been to therapy. A mutual friend confirmed that he regretted the break up months after it happened, and that she told him how he messed up. According to him he hasnā€™t been hurt by anyone after me, so I think this is what started the contemplation for him.

    It’s interesting that he didn’t need therapy or some sort of a crisis to realize those things, but okay, everybody is different…

    Yes, Iā€™ve had depression since childhood. But as an adult I was able to be truly happy, until the cheating with S and Japan. The self esteem issues that came at that time definitely harkened back to my childhood issues. However, I was very stable and happy before S and I even got together, and I also lived with confidence and ambition before then.

    Right… it seems that due to depression in your childhood, S’ cheating and his behavior afterwards really hurt you badly, so much so that you developed panic attacks and PTSD symptoms. It sort of pushed you back into the old trauma…Ā  Would you like to talk some more about the reasons of your depression in childhood?

    No, with M itā€™s not cocaine, but similar. He seemed down to earth, sympathetic, calm, and generally wholesome when we first got together. He and S actually have very little in common.

    Is there anything in common between S and M? Or perhaps M seemed like the opposite of S (calm and humble, as opposed to ambitious, self-confident and high-energy?), and this is what attracted you to him?

     

    July 24, 2021 at 8:14 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383376
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I think iā€™ll start with creating a positive image and trying physical exercise in my housing complex that i mentioned before.

    Good, let me know how it is going!

    And do u think iā€™ve had this hobby of laying lazy in my room due to my parents keep relieving me from duties?

    Yes, I think it’s related because if your parents believe that you’re rather incapable and have low expectations of you, you will lack motivation to do anything. You’ll adopt that same negative image of yourself and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I also believed that my self confidence issue isnt only caused my parents, but also rather due to the opinion of most girls in my highschool daysā€¦ like their ā€œcriteriaā€ on boys (which is taller than them, etc)ā€¦ i always keep their opinion in mindā€¦

    Yes, we as teens are very much affected by the opinion of our peers, and very much want to be liked by them. But someone who has a healthier base from childhood won’t be so strongly affected by their peers, and their self-confidence won’t be crushed if their peers don’t like them. But if our confidence is low to begin with, the rejection by peers will be a horrible blow to our self-esteem, and it might even push us into depression. So the base of self-confidence that we receive in childhood is super important…

    As for those questions that I’ve asked you pretty early into our conversation, you’ve answered them already. Your family situation is clearer, and it’s more or less clear how the core wound was formed. It all boils down to developing more self-esteem, and you can do that by applying those 3 principles from my previous post.

     

    July 24, 2021 at 6:32 am in reply to: Parents don’t respect my boundaries and feelings #383371
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Annie,

    it appears that you pleading with them doesn’t help – they still behave the same. And no wonder, because you always eventually do the task they’ve asked you to do, even if you complain. So why would they change if they get what they want anyway?

    I think they will only change if you change your attitude and not do what they ask you to do – specially if you have a busy week at work and don’t have enough time.

    I know it’s a problem for you to say No, because you feel guilty if you don’t help them. It specially hurts you (and even causes chest pains) that they don’t really hear you, don’t really care about you. You feel they only care about your sister, but not you. That’s the pain in your heart that you’re feeling.

    I think the key thing you can do regarding emotional pain is that you work on healing yourself, and develop more self-love and self-appreciation, so you won’t be so dependent on your parents’ expression of love. Once you do that, you’ll be able to better set boundaries because you won’t feel so guilty about protecting your personal space and time.

    Also, when you feel a bit more self-confident, you can then talk to them and explain that you feel unappreciated and unheard by them, and that they don’t take you and your needs into account. But I think it will be easier to confront them once you start appreciating and loving yourself more.

     

     

    July 24, 2021 at 3:51 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383366
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I understand that you want to feel liked by others, and you believe that in order to be liked by others, you need to do what everybody else is doing. The truth is that you cannot feel liked by others unless you first like yourself. Because if there’s a hole within, it’s like a bottomless pit – no amount of attention and praise will be enough. And even if you get positive attention and praise, you’ll question whether it’s true, whether people are sincere or they are just faking that they like you.

    You see what I mean? Without that internal security and self-confidence, there’s really no outer “proof” that can satisfy you. Without it, you will always question yourself and other people’s intentions – even if they are sincere… I believe you realize that, because you are quick to question everything and always find a potential problem, even in harmless situations.

    So the solution to your problem is not to find external approval – because you won’t believe it anyway! The solution is to develop internal approval – which means to like yourself and love yourself.

    The solution is not to become extrovert, if you’re an introvert. The solution is not to talk about superficial things, if you prefer deeper topics and talking about emotions. The solution is not to become someone else, but to be yourself, with confidence.

    I know it’s hard for you to be yourself with confidence, because you haven’t received enough stimulus from your parents. Your father was emotionally closed off, never smiled, workaholic, focused only on his work and duties, didn’t know how to have fun. And your mother was constantly worrying about you and your growth and development. She treated you as if there was something wrong with you, she worried about you and doubted that you can be a successful and thriving adult.

    You grew up in such an atmosphere. You didn’t receive positive attention, but negative attention from your mother. She might have been “supportive”, as in helping a disabled child and relieving you from all duties – but you were not disabled! She didn’t have faith in you, and you don’t have faith in yourself either.

    And probably she’s still the same, she probably still sees you as weak, fragile and incapable of life. She still sees you as her “disabled” child.

    You need to change that image about yourself. You’re not disabled, you’re not incapable, you’re not less than others. My advice is to 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
    July 24, 2021 at 2:12 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383363
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    how is your mental chatter now? I can imagine it’s hard for you to live with it all the time, and that’s why it would be important to do something about it. Because as you’ve noticed it yourself, you’ll always find some reason to worry and obsess about. Now the latest is your fear of your ex-girlfriend/crush making fun of your crying when she told you it’s over. Earlier it was fear of embarrassing yourself on instagram… You’re very dependent on other people’s opinion of you, and your own core (the sense ofĀ  self) is quite fragile.

    In martial arts there’s a term of the core, which is your abdomen (it’s also called the solar plexus chakra and the tantien). You may want to look at it and do exercises for strengthening your core. Our bodily feeling can affect how we feel emotionally, so if you feel strong(er) in your body, you will feel stronger emotionally too. And those questions and obsessions will lessen as the result. That’s the best solution I see for you – more thinking and analyzing won’t do any good.

    July 24, 2021 at 1:04 am in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383362
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didnā€™t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it.

    I see. Well, it seems that their parenting better meant less emotional abuse (e.g. less yelling by your father), but not enough emotional support – resulting in emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is almost as equally damaging to the child. Of course, you weren’t completely neglected, you say you were close to your mom and were given the most attention out of your siblings. But your mother lacked certain key skills and wasn’t aware of the importance of child’s emotional health, and she didn’t react properly to your anxiety.

    As far as your father, it’s good that he didn’t yell at you – probably that’s why you managed to stand up to that girl in the 6th grade, and tell her that she was rude (even though your mother advised you to ignore her, i.e. not to speak to her). But then, after expressing yourself, you ran away and cried – because it was a very stressful experience, you felt alone, and I guess there was nobody to soothe you afterwards.

    You say you felt close to your mom. But I wonder if in situations like this, you still felt alone and helpless?

     

    July 24, 2021 at 12:32 am in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383360
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    I donā€™t think my mom thought it was a big deal to tell my father about it.

    yes, that’s a problem. It was a big problem for you, but in her eyes it wasn’t a big problem, and so she downplayed it. Or she let you deal with it on your own (like letting you stay at home to avoid feeling anxious in class).

    She probably wasn’t aware of the importance of emotional support and the child’s emotional health. I think it goes into the category of emotional neglect – not providing enough emotional support to the child. She probably didn’t know better, but it still happened and affected you negatively.

    Do you have a lot of siblings? Because that too may contribute to the child not receiving enough attention from the parents…

     

    July 24, 2021 at 12:16 am in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383357
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    My mother knew about the bullying from the girl but she did not do much she just gave me advice on how to handle it.

    What did she tell you?

    Only my mother knew about the bullying in the 6th grade.

    This means your mother didn’t tell your father about it. What do you think is the reason?

    July 24, 2021 at 12:08 am in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383355
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    I told my mom about the incident that happened in the 5th grade and my mom would let me stay at home. She did not know what to do but she allowed me to skip school for that reason.

    This shows that your mother unfortunately didn’t know how to handle problems like this. She (or your father) should have gone to school and talked to the teacher, and also talked to you to soothe your anxiety. Parents are adults and one of their main roles is to emotionally regulate the child – to soothe and comfort the child, to reduce the child’s anxiety, because the child is unable to do that for themselves. It seems your parents didn’t have those skills and would rather let you to “regulate” yourself by avoiding uncomfortable situations. It seems you didn’t have a proper background, a proper safety net to fall on in stressful situations, and that’s why you likely developed anxiety.

    When you were bullied in the 6th grade, did your parents know about that at all? And when you finally stood up for yourself and told that girl that she was rude (but then ran away crying) – did your parents know about it?

     

    July 23, 2021 at 11:20 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383354
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    He told me that he changed from reflecting on what I may have gone through, and never wanting to make someone feel that again.

    Maybe I making bold assumptions here, but I don’t think he spontaneously started contemplating about you and your suffering, realizing how badly he treated you. To me it seems more likely that something triggered his change, e.g. that he went through a similar experience himself, of being mistreated and manipulated, and maybe that’s when he sought therapy? Has he been to therapy btw?

    Yes, I had massive self esteem issues from him, a very successful, ambitious person who I was supposed to trust, telling me over and over how I should get ā€œover itā€ and that I was embarrassing. I definitely absorbed that.

    And it seems to me that your self-esteem issues didn’t start with him, but earlier, only perhaps they weren’t so strong? You might have been attracted to very self-confident, ambitious people because you yourself didn’t feel that way?

    I may have a follow-up question (sorry for bombarding you): you say M is an addict, and he presented himself as a “whole and healed person”. Could it be that he is on cocaine or a similar drug, and also looks like an ambitious, self-confident person on the outside?

     

    July 23, 2021 at 10:54 pm in reply to: I don’t know what is the goal #383351
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Emy,

    good to hear you didn’t have such an experience. When did you start sensing other people’s energy so intensely?

    You asked what the goal is of this experience. Well, considering that you’re highly sensitive energy-wise and that it overwhelms you – not just with this man, but in general – I believe the goal might be to reduce that sensitivity, since it affects you badly. How do you feel about reducing your sensitivity, so that you can function normally? Would you want that or it would feel like a loss?

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
    July 23, 2021 at 10:41 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383350
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    you’re welcome. It appears he really did change and is much more considerate now. How did this change come about – what motivated him?

    I have a hard time letting go of love. I want to explore every avenue before I throw in the towel on relationships, even bad ones

    I understand. That’s why now you’re giving a chance to M too… With S, he was completely closed off at the time and unwilling to even consider that he might need to change. And yet, you stayed with him until he broke up with you. Perhaps you believed him at the time that it was your fault, and that you’re the one to blame?

    I always wanted him to mature and change for the sake of girls who came after me,

    This is interesting what you’ve said. It means you sort of knew he was to blame, or at least that he too was to blame, but you’ve stayed with him anyway. Have you hoped that he would still change at some point? That you would “save” him, so to speak?

     

    July 23, 2021 at 2:41 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383333
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    I am sorry you feel like a big loss happened in your life and that what happened is unfair.

    I can imagine your stress and anxiety when you were in Japan, and S was out drinking every night (or often) with his female friends. It sort of gave the perfect setting for you thinking the worst – that he would cheat again, when drunk. You asked him to let you know when he comes home from those parties, but he never did. That caused you even more stress and anxiety, i.e. panic attacks.

    It’s like he didn’t care about you, he didn’t have understanding for your concerns, on the contrary he behaved in a way that tortured you. And he told you it’s your fault and to pull yourself together.

    Your only fault was that you tolerated it and stayed with him (perhaps your hopes got up when he mentioned engagement rings?). I guess his behavior was the same when you returned from Japan and came to live with him? It culminated in him breaking up with you just before he was to transfer to a different city for a new job. You needed to pack up and leave his place within 2 days, causing you great stress and financial losses.

    Yes, this guy was an a**hole, and it’s good you’ve moved on. What’s not so good is that you’ve met with him again. Now you say he has matured and has more compassion. Has he apologized for treating you like he did – for partying with his female friends, and then accusing you of being paranoid? Has he realized what exactly he has done wrong?

    He told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each otherā€™s minds, how we are each otherā€™s ā€œbig exā€, the relationship we always wanted to work out.

    Well, he didn’t love you back then. His behavior wasn’t love. And I don’t think he wanted the relationship to work out, because he kept accusing you of being too sensitive, when in fact he was too insensitive. He made it all to be your fault. I wonder if he’s realized that now?

    He said ā€œit should be you with meā€, and ā€œI never thought I would see you again and NOT be with youā€.

    I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. Unless he actually apologized for his past behavior?

    S has grown so much, seems like a much more emotionally intelligent and sensitive partner. But itā€™s unfair that I didnā€™t dodge the bullet ā€“ I got shot.

    You did get shot, but you can recover. There are ways to treat PTSD. You don’t need to suffer for life, and you don’t need to suffer because of him, because I don’t think he’s so irreplaceable…

     

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