Dear Umaz,

you are welcome. I hope you can work on healing the part of you which felt rejected and excluded by your family. The title of your thread is “Am I a narcissist?”. You believed that you may be a narcissist for having and expressing your needs. Is this something you experienced while growing up – that nobody cared about your needs and if you wanted something, you were told you were selfish or even narcissistic?

Dear Javier,

it’s good to read you had a productive therapy session, with lots of self-reflection and making a kind of inventory of where you are at mentally and emotionally. I am glad it helped you! And it’s also great that you’re going to mass, socializing with people, listening to their stories and how they’ve overcome their hardships. It’s so sweet that you primary school teacher recognized you, and that you opened up to her, expressing your appreciation and gratitude.

To be honest, I have always felt ungrateful towards people who helped mold me.

No wonder, since the most important people who molded you (your parents) did a poor job. Your father abused you, your mother failed to protect you from abuse. It’s no wonder you didn’t feel any gratitude to authority figures, including those who were good and kind, like your primary school teacher.

In a response to Sarah’s question: “How are you protective and caring?”, you wrote:

I always feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Especially towards my family, as I feel responsible for all their pain and hurting.  As a result, I go to great lengths to avoid conflicts, and seldom admit when my feelings are hurt.

In trying to protect and care for others, you suppressed your own feelings and needs. You blamed yourself for your mother’s pain, when it wasn’t your fault at all. That’s what a child does – it always protects the parent, and blames themself, trying to change and become “better”, hoping that this would make the parent happy.

From very early in your childhood, you thought that something was wrong with you, first when your father was beating you, and then when your mother wouldn’t protect you from him. You took responsibility for their abuse and lack of protection, you thought you were bad and deserved it. And then later when you started acting out, you kind of “proved” to yourself that you are indeed bad and deserve poor treatment.

See how it goes? You were an innocent child who took the blame for being abused, believing there was something terribly wrong with you. And you lived your life with that false belief, acting out, doing drugs, not paying attention at school etc.

How does it feel to protect and care?

Honestly, it sucks big time. Because, it reminds me how neglected, hurt and tormented I was. And, I tend to start with the “what ifs”, “I wish”, and “Why wasn’t there anyone there for me”. The more I protect and care about my nieces, the more devastated and anxious I feel. Somehow, I see myself in them, my brittle inner-child that is broken into thousand pieces.  I get reminded of how brittle and weak I really am. A tiny bump in the road will break me.

You indeed were neglected and hurt as a child, and you had no one to protect you. A small child left to his own devices in the midst of domestic violence is horrible indeed. That’s why you feel brittle and weak now. It’s the inner child in you. What you are doing now, with therapy and self-help and sharing here, is you’re strengthening your adult self. Your adult self isn’t helpless like your inner child is, it has resources to help you. So the task would be to strengthen your adult self, so you can defend and protect and care for your inner child.

One way to strengthen your adult self is to understand and accept that it wasn’t your fault that the abuse happened. That you’re not inherently bad and worthless, that you didn’t deserve it. So you stop taking the blame and responsibility for other people abusing you. Specially for your parents abusing you, i.e. failing to protect you. This is how you will start protecting your inner child. If you believe you deserved the abuse, you cannot protect your inner child, and healing cannot happen. Can you see that?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Umaz,

you’re welcome.

I briefly mentioned that I was feeling sad the night before he flew. I said that I felt disappointed that he didn’t think to invite, he immediately understood and was even looking up last minute flights for me.

The fact that he understood your feelings and searched for last-minute flights tells me that he didn’t really want to exclude you on purpose. It also seems to me that when he told you he wanted to protect you from pain, it’s probably because he really didn’t want to burden you with the heaviness of going to a funeral, specially since you can’t speak the language and wouldn’t be able to communicate with his family:

he later told me he didn’t want me there because he wanted to ‘protect me from the pain’ and ‘it’s hard work translating the language for me’ since I don’t speak their language.

 

He’s an amazing person and he would never hurt me intentionally. But I still feel betrayed and made me realise that he doesn’t really see me being part of that part of his life. Am I reading too much into this?

If you know he wouldn’t hurt you intentionally, and his not inviting you was because he didn’t want to expose you to unnecessary trouble – then it could mean you’re being too sensitive and overreacting, because the situation is somehow triggering for you. Have you perhaps felt betrayed and excluded in your own family?

Dear Umaz,

i thought my boyfriend would invite me to the funeral. I feel let down because he didn’t even consider it

Have you asked him if you can come along, and he rejected you? Because expressing your desire, your need or preference is key for honest communication.

he left already and it just feels like it’s not a good time to create any issues so I haven’t really said much and asked to drop it. he says he feels really guilty for not inviting me.

Does it mean you’ve expressed your disappointment (though only mildly) once he left, and then he started feeling guilty for not inviting you? Or he brought up the topic himself?

Dear Tineoidea,

you’re welcome.

The lessons have been learned I think, what’s left is to disengage myself from the pain and disappointment.

One thing I would like to emphasize, which has transpired during our conversation, is that in the beginning you didn’t see neither him or her clearly. You didn’t see his behavior as abusive, you said your relationship was both carefree and loaded with conflicts. The two just don’t go together, so there was some disconnect, or a blind spot in your perception, where you thought this is how a best friend should treat you, and that it’s still a great and valuable relationship that you want to keep.

Likewise, it seems to me that you didn’t see her clearly either. You thought that you had a super loving relationship, and that “the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger“. At the same time, she was complaining about things going too slowly, she didn’t keep her promise of helping you with finances and/or relocation, she watched you struggle (financially and physically due to lot of work), but did hardly anything to help. This was all before your “friend” came into the picture.

I don’t know the entire story and the intricacies of your “convoluted legal and economic situation”, but if she promised to help with a rather important existential issue, and then was delaying things and left you stranded, it’s a sign that she’s not that madly in love, right? But you didn’t pick it up… Like with your “friend”, you might have thought that such behavior (selfishness, not keeping one’s word) is normal in a relationship?

Anyway, I believe she didn’t suddenly become cold and hostile, while just a few months earlier being super supportive and loving, with fabulous plans for the future. Rather, I believe that her ”cooling down” happened gradually, but you didn’t see or didn’t want to see the warning signs.

She expressed concerns about “things being too slow” (for some reason you couldn’t move to her country so easily), but you said those were minor problems and you always had a plan B. But perhaps she didn’t see it as minor problems…

When your “friend” approached her with an apology, she was ready to confide in him about your relationship problems, and they found a common language – that of criticizing and blaming you.

This is what I think happened, at least it would make sense to me (you said you’re trying to make sense of what happened). So basically, her withdrawing wasn’t such a surprise, but it was a surprise for you. At least that’s how I see it.

I think you would need to examine why you didn’t see the warning signs, and if you did, why you disregarded them. Perhaps that would be one of the most important lessons to learn from this whole experience…

Dear Tineoidea,

The living situation is mine to handle and I’m doing what I can, there’s no plan because a plan is impossible in my case

He runs a company in the field where my skills are relevant, I didn’t go into detail, only that me and her worked together, and he was actually very polite and helpful, giving me both tips and practical help like offering to introduce me to some companies which may be good for me.

It appears you do have a plan, or at least an idea, where to look next. So there is a possibility to apply for a job in that same country where you ex lives, but through different channels…

He was also obviously hurt by her but didn’t say anything negative, just that she’s also refusing to talk to him.

So you didn’t tell her ex that you were involved with her, but only that she refuses to talk to you? And then he said that she refuses to talk to him too?

The emotional side cannot be molded though, and I’m not somebody who forgets. I do not want to bear with the pain and that distorted image of her for the rest of my life.

You’d need to deal with your emotions though, in order to move forward.

I’m not somebody who forgets.

You said earlier that you don’t hold grudges and you don’t hate. Someone who doesn’t forget (having been hurt) and has trouble bearing with the pain is someone who does hold grudges, in my view.

If you allow your emotions to stay cemented (“cannot be molded”), you won’t be able to heal and learn lessons from this experience, so you don’t repeat it again.

Dear Tineoidea,

It is the same project, and of course he was removed from it a long time ago,

Who removed him? You, as the person in charge of the project, or someone else?

BTW, have you taken steps to counteract his slandering and not lose your reputation among the people involved in your project?

That it makes no sense for somebody to be so helpful, that her overdone friendliness feels very fake, that she will hurt me and separate us two. Things like that. He was worried that I was being played, and ultimately he was right.

If she started offering her money and help for you and your mother to relocate to her country – before even getting romantically involved with you – that is indeed too much. You might have complained or told her about your difficult financial situation, and she, in an attempt to be “nice” and a “good samaritan”, offered her help. As I said, people who have the need to be liked by others tend to do this, where they promise a lot and then don’t deliver on it.

So your “friend” was right that it was too much and even fake. He of course had his own selfish motives in mind when he warned you about her – he didn’t want to share you with anyone else. So his view is heavily skewed by his own selfishness and possessiveness, but in this instance, he was right.

Obviously after the breakup, I didn’t expect any grand plans anymore yet she still promised to keep helping in the ways she can (as those ideas of hers started even before we got romantically involved). Just a couple of days after that, she suddenly became very aggressive and petty, withdrew all the support entirely, said we aren’t friends anymore and many other hurtful things such as attacks on my personality…. She even refused to take a quick look at some critical documents I made with her guidance and to give her opinion on those.

My take on this is that after the breakup, she didn’t have the need to be liked by you any more. She became openly hostile. So she didn’t need to keep the pretense that she is a good samaritan and that she has your best interests in mind.

During the turmoil, she sent me many mixed signals as she would go from angry and cold/cruel to nostalgic or even affectionate. From saying that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore to saying that she missed me badly and still loves me even if that diminished.

That was in the transition period, while she was still not sure what she wants (she said something like “I don’t know myself”). She still wanted to appear kind (as if she were the same kind person who offered to help you and your mother so generously), but at the same time, her doubts about you have intensified. I think that’s why she was sending you mixed signals.

He himself admitted to putting her against me and even trying to force our separation, he’s full of hate for me and obviously has been filling her head with all sort of delusions and slander.

I think it would be worth, just for the sake of complete honesty with yourself, to examine if there was anything you did that went against the moral code, or best practices, in your field of work. Something that would give him an excuse to slander you. Or, if there were things you told him about her, that she didn’t know (e.g. that she is very important to you because she’ll solve your and your mother’s existential problems). And then he might have used that to tell her that you are with her only for the money. You see what I mean? Were there such things in your behavior or attitude, either private or professional, which might have painted you in a bad light, if taken the wrong way?

My only hope is that she’ll be able organize her mind and remember what we had, what happened during the conflict with him, his vile treatment of me, and how he actually is. And I hope that it happens sooner than later.

Are you expecting her to get back to you? Are you hoping that she’d still help you with your relocation? What are you expecting from her?