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Viewing 15 posts - 1,336 through 1,350 (of 1,930 total)
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  • July 31, 2021 at 8:21 am in reply to: Ex confusion #383826
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    I just felt at home when I was by her side… She was my best friend and my lover. That’s everyone dream.. Right?

    Yes, we all want that deep connection where we feel understood and loved for who we are. But at the time of the breakup, you must have felt differently about her. Although you felt so good and at home with her, you still couldn’t accept the fact that she cannot move closer to you, and that it’s largely not her fault.

    You most likely reacted from your wound… perhaps you felt like she was depriving you of something – perhaps of that sense of home, of safety and security by her side – and it made you feel hurt and betrayed? And perhaps it also made you feel hopeless that she can even fulfill that need, with her ex preventing her to move away? Is that what happened?

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.
    July 31, 2021 at 4:50 am in reply to: Ex confusion #383821
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    I hear you, it is hard when you love her, and she’s moved on…

    Specially if you believe she’s your soul mate. You probably feel there’s no one else, and you’ll never be happy with anyone else. Is that the case?

    What do you feel she can give you that you can’t give yourself? Because if you can’t let her go, there’s most probably a deeper need that you feel only she can meet…

    July 31, 2021 at 4:17 am in reply to: Ex confusion #383819
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    She told me why she had kept away – that we had been in a drama triangle (she went through therapy) she said that is why it ended and why she had kept away

    Right… you mentioned a little bit about this drama triangle: that at first she promised she’d move closer to you, but then her ex, the mother of her kids, forbid her (I guess she has the right to veto moving to a different state?), and she backtracked on you. You felt very hurt and couldn’t accept it, and so you suggested you should date other people – basically pushing her away and initiating breakup.

    She’s obviously been in therapy for that, and probably has worked through her anger and pain, and has forgiven you, I guess. That’s why her answer wasn’t cold and curt, but warm and heartfelt. She talked about her kids, which is sort of a neutral topic.  Maybe she thought you were interested in knowing how her kids are. And also, she likes your children, so she suggested a video chat with all of you together.

    In all this I don’t see that she’s shown interest in renewing the relationship with you. It rather seems to me that she doesn’t hold a grudge against you any more – she’s healed and moved on – and that’s why she agreed to help you in your legal matter. She didn’t want to be a b**** and refuse you, specially if she has the resources to help you, and she’s healed from her wounds, so she can deal with you without getting triggered.

    Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??

    Because she likes your children and doesn’t mind staying in touch with them occasionally? Specially when they told her they love her and miss her, it’s only natural she told them she loves them and missed them too. And that she sent gifts. It’s a completely natural reaction – she is kind with your children and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. But she also doesn’t initiate contact with them and only replies when they write to her.

    This still fits the scenario where she doesn’t really want to renew the relationship with you, but nevertheless, is polite and helping you with your legal matter, and is kind to your children.

     

    July 31, 2021 at 2:50 am in reply to: Living with the pain for nearly 40 years #383814
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Gary,

    something else occurred to me – she opted for a night job, which seems like a pretty radical way to “break up her daily boredom”. You then practically didn’t see each other, because you were busy the entire day (full-time job plus rehearsals in the evening), while she was away the entire night.

    Her choice of job also might have been her way of showing protest to your not paying attention to her, to letting her work in the night shift instead of stopping her and showing that you care about her. But you didn’t pick that up, but rather got involved in an affair yourself…

    It shows you both made some rash, immature decisions at that time. The difference is that you’ve later realized your mistake, regretted it and apologized, while she hasn’t. You wanted to repair what was broken, she didn’t.

    I wonder if you’ve ever apologized to her for not being there for her enough in those first few years of marriage, and for suggesting she should find a job, instead of spending more time with her?

     

    July 31, 2021 at 2:09 am in reply to: Struggling with People #383813
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    I just dont like conflict, i dont know how to break free.

    when you express your needs, and it’s different from what the other person wants, how does it make you feel?

    If you were to tell your sister the truth (that you don’t want to go to concert with her because she’ll get drunk and unpleasant), how would it make you feel?

    July 31, 2021 at 2:01 am in reply to: Ex confusion #383812
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    you said that when you first contacted her asking for her help in a legal matter, “she reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle)”

    What exactly did she tell you in that email? I believe it’s important because she might have said something that reveals her feelings and intentions towards you.

    July 31, 2021 at 12:45 am in reply to: Living with the pain for nearly 40 years #383805
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Gary,

    it seems to me you’re feeling a complex mix of emotions. You feel sorry for her, since she’s terminally ill, but it seems you also resent her for going through with the divorce (“She seemed so callous and uncaring and it cut me to the bone.”) and for never apologizing for hurting you.

    You’re wondering if she ever even loved you, and would like to get that answer from her, before she dies. Well, what if she loved you but in a selfish and immature way (like Inky said), and since you weren’t meeting her needs, she looked for someone else. And then when she found that you too had an affair, she was extremely offended (indignant, you say) and perhaps continued with Rob partly out of spite.

    It seems she wasn’t mature enough to apologize, perhaps she felt she was hurt more by your cheating than you were by hers (which also suggest immaturity on her part). Also the fact that she would be spending time with her lover while her two small children (age 2 and 4) were alone with the babysitter shows another layer of irresponsibility and immaturity.

    If you look at her as having been immature at the time you knew her (and if you agree with this characterization), how do you feel about her?

     

    July 30, 2021 at 1:07 pm in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383707
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?

    you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.

    Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?

    if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces

    how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?

    As a person who frequently feels regret… So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?

    Regret is a normal human emotion, and sometimes healthy too, e.g. if we realize that we’ve hurt someone, and we decide never to do it again. Regret should lead us to change our behavior, but it’s only healthy if we also forgive ourselves for the wrong-doing we did. Beating ourselves up for something we did and never forgiving ourselves is not a good kind of regret.

    A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret.

    You’ve also expressed regret for admitting to your girlfriend/crush that you love her and for crying when she refused you. In this case you haven’t really hurt anybody’s feelings, you didn’t do anything wrong, you simply showed honest emotions. You showed vulnerability. Being yourself and being vulnerable isn’t a wrong-doing, and therefore regretting it isn’t a healthy thing, but it’s actually self-condemnation and it’s destructive.

    To sum up, this is how I see regret: A healthy regret is accompanied by self-forgiveness and a positive behavior change, while unhealthy regret comes with self-condemnation and getting stuck in the past and ruminating about the past.

    Can you see the difference between the two?

     

    July 30, 2021 at 8:04 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383697
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Aside from the exercise…

    have you done some exercises?

    now my brain gets motivated to go to the gym later on after my city’s lockdown has been lifted

    You said you would do some jogging around the block. Is it possible at the moment (with regard to covid)? If not, try to exercise in your room, or in your garden…

    Your thoughts are similar as before, you’ve already expressed once that you see this girl as a rival, or that you’re jealous because she’s a girl and as such, has an easy task to find boys, whereas you as a boy don’t have such an easy task to find girls, etc. You also talked about having a shortage of girls in your city and mentioned other issues that you see as potential obstacles for you. This is all your mind overthinking and keeping you stuck.

    I know you’d say that this is me overanalyzing again… but do u have a few words regarding this situation of mine? Like maybe u might understand what i’m feeling right now?

    My words and advice are the same as before: 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.

    I really cannot give you a different advice at the moment…

     

    July 30, 2021 at 12:57 am in reply to: Dealing with emotional/physical slumps on a regular basis #383690
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Jess,

    I am glad you’re feeling better and haven’t experienced a slump for more than 3 months! It definitely has to do with attending therapy and putting in place all those mechanisms to help you prevent and/or recover from a slump as quickly as possible.

    I do accept the idea that I may be lonely. Even though it’s not a link I would’ve made between less interactions and depression, it definitely makes sense. The question is how to overcome this. I feel like I have done plenty of journaling over the years and unloading my feeling. I don’t feel like I have anything left to unlock.

    In my previous post, in April, I made an assumption about what might have happened after you returned from your overseas trip: that you were disappointed that your friends – whom you felt were your family and really cared about you – didn’t really show much appreciation that you’re back and didn’t even ask you about your trip. As a result, you might have felt rejected and unloved. You might have concluded that you don’t matter. And this notion that we don’t matter to anybody, can be a huge driver for depression. How do you feel about your own worth – do you feel you matter?

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
    July 30, 2021 at 12:31 am in reply to: back to controlling mom’s house at age 30?! 23 missed calls while on date!! #383688
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear D,

    I am finding it hard to deal with her controlling personality and with the emotional weight of moving back to my mom’s house at age 30.

    Has she been controlling in your childhood too? Because her actions could be seen as well-meaning, e.g. if she has a lot of time on her hands and she wants to make it as comfortable for you as possible, and then she re-arranges the furniture etc. But even so, I guess the fact that she didn’t tell you beforehand and didn’t ask for your opinion, is a warning sign.

    She might believe she knows better, and doesn’t respect your opinion or your preferences. And this can be hard to deal with, specially if you’re in a fragile place emotionally at the moment, and could use her support rather than this subtle form of dismissal (if this is what you feel is happening?)

     

    July 29, 2021 at 11:52 pm in reply to: Struggling with People #383687
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.

    I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!

    Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…

    It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…

    July 29, 2021 at 10:39 pm in reply to: Ex confusion #383684
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    Maybe I just need to slow down ND see where things evolve?

    maybe. It seems you’re really terrified of admitting how you feel to her, because what if she rejects you and then closes that door forever. And that would be unbearable for you because you still love her and believe she’s your soul mate. If you feel this way, it’s better not to rush things, not to come forward with big confessions just yet. If you meet face to face, perhaps it will be clearer what she is feeling towards you…

     

    July 29, 2021 at 10:25 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383683
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Candice88,

    it seems you really tried everything, were patient with him, explained what bothers you and what might be his problem. And yet, he’s still finding excuses and avoiding to take responsibility for his actions, and always ends up accusing you. (this could be a little like your mother – she too would vehemently deny responsibility for her actions… just something to notice here)

    We are going to our first couples therapy session in a week, so we will see how it goes.

    OK. It may work since he sort of admitted recently that he was a “schmuck”. Until he admits his own responsibility (and his own unresolved issues from the past), there is no hope of him changing. Good that you’re aware of all that, and this time you’re determined not to tolerate his empty promises any more…

    I am determined to move out, as heartbreaking as it is.

    You’re doing the right thing. 100%. I know it’s hard because it’s also a new situation for you to navigate, but it will be rewarding to finally stand up for yourself. It’s hard but necessary…

    If you need support in the following days or have doubts about anything, please don’t hesitate to post… wishing you luck with the move and everything!

     

    July 29, 2021 at 1:29 pm in reply to: Struggling with People #383663
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear OrangeHeart,

    How can i work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first? I think i might be a people pleaser, i dont know how to stop it!

    Yes, you do seem to have people pleasing tendencies, and it could be caused by the fear of being rejected if you stand up for yourself. If you stand up for yourself and e.g. refuse to take your sister to a concert but choose to go with a friend of yours, what are you afraid would happen?

    Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing!

    Is this dynamic familiar to you? Perhaps your father behaved similarly towards your mother – trying not to upset her, even at his own expense?

     

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