Dear Richard,

I remember once in my mid-twenties I was really struggling. I called my mom and broke down on the phone. I told her what I was dealing with went all the way back to when I was a kid and I began to tell her some of the stuff my brother would say to me. She said had she know he was saying things like that she would have stopped him. I remember saying on the phone to her “how could you not have known!?!?!”

Exactly. Didn’t your brother use to tease you in front of your parents too? Or he was careful to do it only when they weren’t around? Do you remember ever complaining to your parents about him, or you thought they would notice it by themselves?

In any case, that’s pretty severe that they haven’t noticed, and that your mother only found about it when you were in your mid-20s. By then, the damage was already done, and even though your father is very supportive now, there’s still the little boy inside of you, terrified of your brother and feeling totally alone and helpless. You’d need to work on his healing…

I just would have liked them to have been more cognizant of what I was feeling growing up and possibly have gotten me some professional help.

Right. They haven’t noticed that something’s going on with you when your grades dropped, you became withdrawn and stayed home most of the time. They should have noticed it, even if you didn’t say anything. Perhaps their excuse is that they had 4 children to take care of, although by the time you were in junior high, your 2 eldest siblings were already adults and required less attention… So I don’t know what the reason was of their negligence. But don’t be afraid to spell it out: they were negligent. It doesn’t mean they were bad parents altogether, but they failed to notice that their son was suffering.

I have been tempted to tell my dad about the cruel things my brother used to say to me growing up, but part of me feels like it would make him feel like a bad dad.

Right… it seems you’d rather protect your father from possible pain than protect yourself from pain…. maybe that was the reason why you were reluctant to complain to your parents about your brother’s bullying – because you thought that by telling them you would cause them pain and distress?

Dear Karma,

how about your childhood and youth? Did you feel good enough then? Were you criticized? How did you feel about yourself before you met him?

Dear Richard,

you’re welcome. I am sorry about your brother bullying you so mercilessly. How did you parents react to his bullying, did they try to protect you, i.e. discipline him?

Dear Karma,

Yes, you understood me right.. My life was limited to him. But i was nowhere in his list of priorities.

Right. So now you’d need to become more independent of him. If I understood well, you have a job, so you’re financially independent of him, right? By the way, how is the atmosphere at your work  place? Do you have good colleagues, is it pleasant to work there?

Next is emotional independence – that you don’t need him to emotionally support you, listen to you, soothe you, give you his opinion etc. You say you have family and friends who are very supportive. Do you feel you can speak to them openly, without feeling judged by them?

Dear Karma,

I am sorry you’re hurting so much and that he is being so harsh and inconsiderate with you.

His behavior while you were still together was also quite problematic: e.g. he would go out with his friends but would lie to you about his whereabouts. He was irritated and angry because his startup failed, but he took it out on you. He was physically aggressive  – he hit you 3 times. You waited to spend the weekends together, but he had other plans, which didn’t include you. When you complained, he blamed you for having too high expectations and that you have changed.

From his behavior, it seems to me he hasn’t respected you enough and took you for granted. And after a while, he started seeing you as a nuisance. Even if you did start demanding more attention since you’ve moved to the new city, his treatment of you wasn’t fair.

Can you explain a little more about the transition to the new city and how it affected you? You said that in the first 5 years, before the move, you were busy with friends and studies, and he with his cricket, and you didn’t demand too much of his attention. But once you moved to the new city, you didn’t form new friendships, and you relied entirely on him for emotional support. You say you earned good money but you wanted to be only around him.

How was the new city and the new environment different from the old one, that you suddenly became so withdrawn and insecure, and dependent only on him?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear nice_cup_of_tea,

I’m at the stage though where I need to start attending certain social functions that I don’t particularly want to

Prior to the pandemic I managed to do things I didn’t want to do without getting so worked up about it.

You mentioned your in-laws as an example of people whom you don’t necessarily want to meet, but you feel you have to, for the sake of your husband. Are there other examples? Do you feel it’s a theme in your life that you feel you are forced to do things against your will, and it causes resentment?

Dear Felix,

i think there is a pair of dumbbell weights in my house… although it’s not heavy i guess i can try to use it for my exercise.

You can start with smaller weights (the ones you have at home), but if they are too light, buy another, heavier pair.

As for your teeth, you can inquire how long the teeth straightening process will last, i.e. how long you would have to wear braces. Also, if you’d be able to do it, considering your swallowing problem. Braces wouldn’t be a physical obstacle, people can eat normally with them as far as I know, but maybe psychologically for you it may be a problem.

Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?

Yes, definitely, try to take it easy and live in the moment, without jumping in your mind all over the place, creating all those scenarios and potential obstacles in your head. Try to focus on the here and now, and what you can do today to improve yourself.