Dear TheNovaStarr,

I feel for you and I am sorry that you’re in such a difficult spot right now. Your parents were abusive, and if I understood well, your stepmother was a little better than your parents, since they were “extremely abusive” and she was only “borderline abusive”. It appears that while she was alive, you kind of felt included in the family. Have you been living with your dad, your stepmother and your sisters?

But since she passed away, and you’ve moved away to college, your dad and one sister stopped reaching out to you, and your other sister only reaches out rarely. Your own mother got offended when you didn’t want to talk to her every day on the phone after the funeral, and she stopped talking to you too. You now feel completely alone. On top of that, you feel hurt because your stepmother left letters to family members, but she didn’t leave a letter for you. You now feel disappointed and hurt.

Also, you’ve dreamed about college and getting away from home for years, and now that you are there, you also experience rejection and perhaps hostility, since they aren’t welcoming like you thought they would be, and you have to fight over health and meal plans.

Yes, it’s a lot, and you’ve been through a lot in your life. But in spite of it all, you’ve managed to enroll in a college – which is no small thing! So give yourself a pat on the back! You’re a fighter, you’re ambitious, and that’s a great resource.

I understand you feel bad and alone at the moment, but have you tried reaching out to your father and sisters – like you reaching out to them and asking them what’s up, instead of wondering why they’ve stopped contacting you? You started thinking they don’t like you any more and that maybe it has to do with where you stand on the LGBT issues. But maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it’s not true that they don’t like you, but there are other reasons why they aren’t reaching out. Have you clarified that with them?

Also, perhaps you can message your boss and ask him about your job? Maybe you don’t need to wait till he texts you?

When you say “I might have to drop therapy due to financial difficulties directly correlated to step mothers death” – do you mean psychotherapy or therapy for your GERD and IBS problems?

Dear Peace,

I am sorry you aren’t feeling well. Are you still in India? Are you actually experiencing anxiety symptoms? I am asking because you went to a doctor for sore throat, and he prescribed you antidepressants:

i was having sore throat and feeling low and went to a good specialist .. and he asked me if i have Anxiety out of nowwhere ??

Did you complain to him about some other symptoms as well?

As for your sister, she is very selfish. She is worried that your family will be mocked, because earlier they spoke badly about your boyfriend’s caste, and now you are getting married to this caste… She is trying to talk you out of it, just so they wouldn’t be mocked and humiliated:

“ people will laugh at us and talk bad about us that “ see which kind of person she married to “ and also that we ( my family ) always talked about other family about this caste thing and now we are marrying them its disgrace etc . I then asked her “ why did you talk or critized about other people caste “ why did you guys discriminate and who told you to do ???”
she had no answer and then she said bcz we dint know one day we will be marrying this caste ..

It’s pure selfishness on her part. And of course, prejudice and racism. It’s good that you are aware of it, and don’t want to give in to her requests. At least, on the rational level, you don’t. But on the emotional level, it seems you are struggling, and this might be causing you anxiety? The fear of being a disappointment to your family is very strong in you… It’s the little girl in you, who needs your family’s approval.

Try to be aware of that inner battle, and that it’s your inner child that is scared of being discarded by those she loves and seeks validation from. Let me know if seeing things like that helps you at all… or your anxiety is still very strong?

Dear miyoid,

good to hear from you again! I am glad you feel a bit more empowered to reject the advances of people whom you don’t like and choose those who you better resonate with:

When I’m able to reject, when I can understand whether or not I’m interested, this gives me a bit of power since normally I consider myself as someone who cannot choose. I realized again, that I can choose.

I am also glad you have broken up with your ex boyfriend and are seeing someone new, who seems promising:

And the reason why I let this flirt happen is that this boy actually started to give me some reasons to trust. … My gut is telling me that he’s very sincere.

Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand.

As for your crying, right after you’ve experienced a deeper connection and had a fruitful conversation with the new guy – I believe it’s your abandonment trauma re-activated again. When you start feeling a hope for connection, for a loving and nurturing relationship, the trauma of having been abandoned by the people love you love gets triggered. Your subconscious mind jumps immediately to the unfortunate outcome: I will be abandoned. And this makes you cry inconsolably.

I don’t think you’ve shared before that your mother actually left you after the divorce to go live with her brothers, while you stayed with your father. (You did say she abandoned you physically, but now you explained how it happened). Your father was narcissistic and didn’t really want to care for you, so he left you at his friends while he went to his hobbies. Which means he didn’t want to spend his free time with you, maybe even his weekends?

This is quite devastating for a child. First, your mother abandoned you, and then your father too. You were left at some strangers’ place, to play with their child, who wasn’t even your friend – I can imagine the terror of that. No wonder you started crying as soon as the first distraction had worn off – because the pain of having been abandoned was so big. Nobody wanted you, because these people of course didn’t want to deal with a crying child the whole day. So you felt not only abandoned, but also unwanted. Not just by your parents, but other people as well…. by everybody…. This I believe is the core wound of yours…

And this wound used to get triggered whenever your ex wanted to leave you, or you thought of leaving him. The pain of being alone was just so unbearable for you, that you’d rather stayed, even in a very unhealthy relationship.

In this new relationship, try to be aware of this dynamic and this wound which is telling you “I will be abandoned”. You feel unsafe because of the prospect of being abandoned. If you could soothe your inner child, telling her you won’t abandon her, perhaps you could reduce the anxiety you are feeling…

Dear Ryan,

I am highly self-critical–and critical in general, though I try to keep the criticisms to myself.

A romantic relationship means being wholly vulnerable and open, which is something I’ve been unwilling to do. There’s a commitment and an intimacy that I cannot seem to maintain.

Are you afraid that the woman would sooner or later start criticizing you? The women you’ve been with in the past few years have praised you a lot….  but could it be that deep down, you don’t believe you deserve to be praised… because you feel unfit: “I am not stable enough for this world“, and you feel like you are one step from failing at work. You see yourself as a failure, and you believe it’s just a matter of time before the woman you are with discovers it. So you leave before she realizes how “inadequate” you actually are?

Dear Ryan,

It feels so egocentric to believe my presence in her life was a positive while the disillusionment of our relationship will cut her so.

Yes, it is egocentric, because you leaving will cause her pain. It’s good you see that now…

I think a part of the dichotomy comes from feeling like I can be a positive influence in someone’s life, but knowing I’m incapable of giving them what they may need. In this case, it was safety, security, and kindness. However, I was unwilling or unable to give her love (or at least the type of love she wanted).

I feel that I can be a very good friend–which is what I should have aimed for in this relationship–but also understand that a relationship with me can be emotionally painful.

As before, I do hope that she and I can eventually find a friendship. … Perhaps in time, we can have some semblance of a friendship.

So your primary motive for getting into a relationship is wanting to connect as friends, and not wanting to be more than friends. You want to be a positive influence, someone to be admired and appreciated, but not someone who…. [finish the sentence – what does being in a romantic relationship mean to you? What would you need to sacrifice that you aren’t willing to? What are you afraid of in a romantic relationship?]

Dear Felix,

Really? Random people wont care? Like wont they comment in their head, “who is this short guy”?

No, they have more important things than wondering about some unfamiliar guy in their acquaintance’s photo.

Self-conscious and insecure people like yourself tend to think that the entire world is looking at them and judging them. When in reality, people don’t care. It’s just you who is obsessing about your height, not other people.

To repeat (and this is the last time I am replying to these kind of questions): those who know you know you are short and aren’t surprised by the photo. Those who don’t know you don’t care.

Dear Felix,

Well it wont solve the main problem, but do u think it will change the perspective of the people on social media?

No, since those who know you in person know your height. And other, “random people” don’t care anyway.

Dear Ryan,

welcome  back!

Your experience with this latest girlfriend is quite similar to your previous girlfriend, the one with the small son. She too was very much into you and praised you a lot, but you chose not to stay with her. This is what you wrote in your last post in April:

I think my issue is more that I feel a sense of guilt/shame when I hurt or disappoint women. It feels as though women see me as something that I may not always be: A good man or a better man than most. I try to live up to their expectancies but often don’t.

It’s the same now. The new girl wrote this to you:

You are absolutely wonderful and kind. When I’m with you I am a different person. Happy and peaceful and life is wonderful. I thank you for that.

They were both head over heals for you. But something in you couldn’t stay…  something in you sabotaged it, and you ended up leaving and disappointing them. Now you are beating yourself up for not being honest with her, feeling like “absolute garbage”.

As I said back in April, I believe it’s the lack of self-worth that causes you to sabotage your relationships. This is what I wrote back then:

But if we don’t feel good enough – if we feel there’s something inherently wrong with us – no amount of outside praise and convincing will do. Sooner or later we’ll do something to “mess up”, and it will be a proof to ourselves and our partner that we indeed aren’t good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy….

It seems this is happening again – you are again in the situation where you feel you’ve “messed up” and proven to yourself how unworthy you are.