Dear OrangeHeart,

you’re very welcome!

I totally agree, i do think its came from my mum! She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, i used to be terrified of her as a child!

Right. You also said that she is quite abusive with your father and puts him down all the time, and that she was the same with you and your sister while you were growing up:

My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up, she’s also financially dependent on my dad as she doesn’t work even though she has no reason not to and she does nothing to help around the house, she’s basically like another child!

It appears your mother was/is the “bully” in the family, who terrorizes everyone else. You used to be terrified of her as a child, maybe because she was loud, yelling, perhaps hysterical as well? Your father chose the strategy to appease the bully, or the tyrant, because it seemed easier than to confront her. You chose the same strategy – suppress your own needs and desires and do as the tyrant pleases, in order to keep the peace. Would you say that this is what happened?

I just hope I can change

Yes, you can definitely change this learned mechanism of “appeasing”, and can learn to stand up for yourself! You might need  to do some inner child work, so that you can change the learned behavior more easily.

Dear Dave,

I never thought about her being a perfectionist, because she is so messy, but I guess those don’t have to go together, I assumed that perfectionists would want things clean and tidy.

I guess she is messy at home? But you say she’s never happy with the work the workers or volunteers do in the barn, or how the owners mow the grass, and she has the need to fix it afterwards. She wants to do things “right”. This tells me she isn’t messy but rather precise (or at least she is trying to be like that) when it comes to her work environment. So perhaps there’s a split there – messy at home, tidy/precise at work?

That might be the reason though, but if it is, then is there nothing that I can do to help her?

Yes, I believe she would need to resume therapy, because this doesn’t seem like an issue for couple’s therapy. I mean, you can suggest couple’s therapy, and see where that leads. But you can also try to talk to her about the things that we’ve spoken about here, and how her low self-esteem and feeling of “not being good enough” might be causing some of her behavior. Perhaps try to talk to her and see how she reacts?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Hi miliMeow,

I’ve only just seen your post, that’s why the delay… I believe that when we want to prove our point (like you do in online arguments), it may come from wanting external approval. Like, you don’t feel good about yourself otherwise, and you need to win an argument in order to feel better about yourself.

Maybe for you it’s not so much about external approval, as much as the need to feel better than the other person (I won, you lost!). It could stem from your childhood, where you perhaps felt you’re always losing arguments, or were bullied, or something like that?

Dear Jisoo,

you’re very welcome. Well, now that you say you know his family and he took you to his home, and he isn’t hiding your relationship, well perhaps he isn’t such a scam as I thought he was. If he’s recently lost his brother, he might feel that this is what you have in common – the grief and the pain – and he feels some empathy for you. Does he ever talk about his brother and the pain he’s feeling?

But nevertheless, his secretiveness is a big red flag, and it’s good that you’re not counting on romantic involvement any more and are cutting down contact. Because he still might have some ulterior motives, rather than just being a shoulder to cry on.

Dear Jisoo,

whatever his intentions are, he isn’t sincere because he wouldn’t have been hiding his name from you, and wouldn’t be so mysterious about his life. He knows everything about you, and you know hardly anything about him. You confide in him as if he were your best friend and confidante, and he doesn’t even give you his real name?? He isn’t available in the evenings or on the weekends, which means he wants to keep you out of his private life – because clearly his private life is dedicated to other people. He might be leading a double or triple life, misleading maybe not just you but other women too. If I were you, I would be wary of him.

Regardless of how “caring” and “supportive” he might seem, he is a scam and who knows what kind of game he is playing. You say you’re confused that he doesn’t want anything from you, isn’t forcing you to sex, has endless patience and tolerance, even when you’re attacking him, never raises his voice, and only asks you to stay in touch with him no matter what.

There could be more explanations why he behaves like that. One is that he might feel unwanted in his marriage and he likes feeling important to you (but still, not important enough to leave his wife and have an exclusive relationship with you). Another is that he likes feeling superior to women, and targets fragile women whom he then “helps” and “guides”. Another, a more ominous one, is that he is a psychopath, because he keeps telling you that he’ll stay with you “until the end”. What end, indeed?

Even if the latter is not the case (I might be paranoid!), I’d stay away from him. I understand that you feel fragile after your husband’s sudden death (I am sorry about that), and that you like his supposed caring and guiding you in various matters. You also say you have an anxious attachment style, which makes it even harder for you to be alone. That’s why you are attracted to him and want so desperately to be with him. But he is a scam, I am afraid, and the best would be to stop all contact.

Dear Felix,

Do u think the way my parents guide me for my future is wrong? Although i know they want the best for me…

They wanted you to take the easier route, because in general, it’s easier to get employed at the family’s company that to have to compete on the job market. They wanted to protect you, and it’s probably because they see you as not capable enough to make it on your own (your mother is mocking you that you get your salary just because you’re your dad’s son, not because you deserve it).

They think they want the best for you, but they don’t, because they (specially your mother) have instilled in you since childhood this notion that you are weak, less capable and a reason to worry. And you indeed adopted this view of yourself, and became lazy, unmotivated, and overly dependent on your parents.

They first made you weak, or contributed to your weakness, and now they are “helping” you by giving you unimportant tasks, treating you like a child. It’s not a healthy approach.

Like what do they want actually…. I know they want me to inherit, but they make it seem like i’m useless…

Yes, that’s the paradox. On one hand, they treat you as useless, and on the other, they would like you to inherit the company. How do they think you could some day lead the company if they don’t trust in your abilities? Perhaps you can ask them that… but what’s for sure is that their attitude is unhelpful if they really want you to succeed and thrive some day.

The question is what you want. If you opt for an MBA, what are you hoping to achieve with it? You say:

If i really study abroad later on… i wanna try taking part time jobs while having my masters… then after graduating i’ll try applying for jobs (in that abroad country) to gain experience….

My interpretation of this is that you’re hoping to gain experience and perhaps some independence from your parents, doing part-time jobs, where you’re not given baby tasks like now, but are treated like an adult. Is that correct? If that’s your goal, I think it’s a good one, and would help you a lot.

During those part-time jobs, you might discover what you like and what suits you best, and you may adjust your career accordingly. Perhaps you get to like those business skills (which so far you don’t like) and either choose to go back to your father’s company, to some kind of managerial position, or you get a job elsewhere, in a good company, which takes you seriously. Or, you realize you absolutely hate business, but you discover what you do like and go into that field, away from your father’s company.

So, having multiple part-time jobs would serve as a catalyst to help you decide what you like best and what career to choose. And being away from your parents would help you gain independence and remove yourself from their smothering influence.

So if I were you, I would look for ways to move away from your parents, at least for a while. If MBA or a similar Masters program offers you this possibility, I’d seriously consider it!

Dear Dave,

in your first post you described your wife as: “she seems perfect to and for me, she keeps me grounded and listens.”

But in what you are saying, I don’t see how she really listens to you, except that she listens to your complaints, or your suggestions about her business, or she listens to you when you talk about your feelings…. but then she ends up ignoring all of that and is keeping the status quo. She knows everything that bothers you, and those are legitimate concerns, and yet, she is unwilling (or unable due to her own issues) to change.

Even when she asks you to take her out on a date, she is late and sabotages it. You say she wouldn’t be willing to go to a couple therapy either because she would sabotage it too. It seems she isn’t willing to do anything to accommodate for your needs, whereas you are willing to do a lot for her, even opt for vasectomy, which is a pretty final solution.

So when you say she listens to you, does she really listen? Her asking for ideas for her business, or asking to be taken out on dates seems manipulative, because she ends up rejecting it. She might not be doing it on purpose, but there is something in her – some resentment – that she is taking out on you. Do you think she might resent you for not joining her in her business, like leave your job and work full time with her? Or that you don’t join her during the summer, after you’re done with your job, and help her clean the barn etc?

You said: It’s almost as if she doesn’t want anything to change, which I understand,

Why is it understandable that she wouldn’t want to change anything? It appears your son is rejecting her, doesn’t want her to take care of him. Wouldn’t she want to change that?

My friends and family absolutely LOVE my wife, and so anything I say will get back to her and cause a fight.

And you couldn’t bear to have a fight with her? It seems to me you have a problem with asserting yourself and asking for what you want in your marriage, perhaps out of guilt? For example, when she stood you up for a date, and it didn’t happen once but multiple times – have you confronted her or you just let it go?