Dear Jisoo,

good article, spot on! So he is a narcissist after all – well, good that you know it now, it will make it easier to let go of him! As for sending him the link, well, you can, but just don’t let yourself get caught into another spin of his, trying to convince you that he isn’t like that and that he loves you and cares for you… so beware! I wouldn’t send him anything unless I were 100% sure that I am immune to him…

It’s also understandable now why you fell for him: because of your low self-esteem you loved it when he praised you and “worshiped” you, telling you were his queen etc. That was the love bombing part. And you needed to hear it, because you were made to believe in your childhood that you were unworthy… so you fell for the guy who told you the opposite.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Hi Murtaza,

Im really not botherd much about people being brainwashed,

Well, you actually mentioned it a lot recently:

everyone is so brainwashed about worshipping thier parents, not because any logic, but because society tells you to do so.

anita suffering wasn’t only by her parents, i even dare say it wasn’t that at all, i like to imagine evil exist, and it could be infected to a child, what hurt her the most (in my opinion) is the normal people, the constant misunderstood and blaming and shaming, because she expected to be helped by them, because she expected them to be good, and they are, thier intention is good, society just brainwashed thier values and beliefs, that made them misunderstood and blame her for her own suffering, normal people who did those evil things to her, they aren’t so good are they?

I perfer to choose my own suffering, i perfer to foucs my energy and time on something i control, myself, not other brainwashed people, get them to like me, act in a certain way, to be accepted

You do believe that people are brainwashed – at least the people in your own country. You believe they are programmed to respect their parents, and you don’t want to respect someone who has hurt you and doesn’t deserve respect. And you’re right about that. You don’t need to “bow down” to those people. Your anger towards them is justified.

But what you are doing – is you are quick to blame yourself for having been hurt by them:

Im really not botherd much about people being brainwashed, and i don’t see them as cruel, to me people are extra, not a neccessaity, i believe most of them have good intentions and are good, and believe me, they can’t hurt me, and if they did, it will be on me, because i allowed them, evil exist, i don’t go around blaming evil for existing, i blame myself for being hurt by such evil.

People have hurt you – your parents, your siblings, your relatives and your friends – and it’s NOT your fault. They did bad, evil things to you, and it’s not your fault.

You are blaming yourself for having been vulnerable. You are blaming the little boy Murtaza for not being strong enough not to be hurt. You see how unfair it is to the little boy Murtaza – blaming him for something they did to you?

And it’s not some abstract evil that did those things to you – it’s the real people, of flesh and blood. It’s your own flesh and blood, it’s the people who were supposed to love you and care for you. You have all the reasons to be mad at them.

But you suppressed your anger at them, and are angry at everyone else – including those who truly want to help you (including us on this forum). And you are angry at yourself too, for being weak and needy.

So your anger – which is rightful and justified – is directed at wrong people. Can you see that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Akansha,

My impression is that saw you a little bit like a mother figure, not only because you were older but also because you arranged things for him, you were more independent and resourceful than him, you took care of him. He might have seen you as superior, perhaps idolized you too. He made you feel “beautiful, special and loved”.

But he also told you offensive things, such as that you look like a dead person, and “I am sorry that I have drained all your energy and now you have nothing left in you.” You don’t say that to the person you love, after you haven’t seen them for 8 months. It shows that on one hand he idolized you, but on the other he resented you – perhaps because he depended so much on you? Like, he needed you, but he hated that he needed you.

Then you refused to follow him when he got his dream job, even though you promised. He probably felt betrayed and perhaps took it as a sign that you don’t love him enough.

I felt really guilty when I didn’t get the job and he said No too.

I didn’t understand this: did he say No to you moving with him to his new location once you didn’t get the job you wanted?

I tried to talk to him about it so many times but he said he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter. He said he had forgiven me

I don’t think he has forgiven you, and it has shown in his reluctance to talk about marriage and your future together. Also, he reluctantly followed you to Berlin, only to leave 20 days after you’ve arrived.

It was the most devastating thing ever but he promised he will take short term opportunities and he will keep berlin his home base. I agreed but then he started keeping away from him since I was angry. I was angry that he left me alone in a place that was supposed to be home.

Here you sort of “betrayed” him again, because you agreed for him to take short-term jobs abroad, but then you felt angry at him. But I guess you were angry not because he left, but because he wouldn’t make any commitments regarding your future. You felt his hesitancy and it hurt you: For someone who constantly kept talking about wanting to have a family with me, he was very hesitant about getting engaged.

He used to come to visit me every 1.5 months for 5 days, in the house I set up for us and he would be enamoured by it saying that he loves that we have a home.

He wanted me to build a home for him.

It’s like he saw you as the strong, capable mother, who’ll build a nice home for him. He appreciated the house in Berlin, but he still resented you. I think it shows that he saw you primarily as his care-taker and provider, and not as an equal partner. He loved that he has a home base, from where he can go out into the world and explore. You were a safety net for him, not an equal partner. And he didn’t want to get married to you, I suppose, because he resented you all along for being dependent on you so much.

Then the pandemic happened:

My ex was freaking out and struggling a lot he was constantly telling me he is alone and needs me. It was getting unbearable not being able to see each other for 3 months and suddenly one day his behaviour started changing. He wasn’t the clingy person I knew who would constantly want to be smothered with love. He started enjoying his new life and of course distancing himself from me. He started getting absent and detached.

I can only assume he found another woman to mother him. He found a replacement for you, and that’s why he stopped being clingy and got absent and detached:

This time he said please let’s take a break..  his voice had no love, no spark when picking up my phone. He would talk about his female colleagues all the time.

I suppose one of his female colleagues became his new mother figure…

I freaked out. I started getting worried about losing him so I tried to reach out more and that led to him pulling away more. I even sent out presents to him which is difficult to manage in that country… I tried to talk and he yelled asked me to back off.

You turned desperate and clingy – the same as he behaved in the beginning – and now he started feeling contempt for you:

You look sexier on your two legs not walking on all fours. You are like a fucking Koala, hanging through my neck. Back off and learn to stand up for yourself. Being needy is not sexy

The same way he idolized you in the beginning, he now despised you and saw only faults in you. Now he was able to fully express his resentment, which he had never expressed fully before, because he was afraid of losing you, losing the mother figure.

What happened next is that probably none of his female colleagues were a good enough mother for him, so he started resorting back to you:

I told him how I have been meeting people and I like a few guys and I am not stuck on him. He freaked out and did not stop talking to me for 4 days. He said he is serious about this all and he wants me. It might take some time due to pandemic but he wants to be with me at every point in his life.

But it was fear that led him to say that, not true love. That’s why his commitment to you didn’t last long: But as soon as I was back from vacation talking to him, he pulled back again.

It appears that he’s found another mother figure lately, and he is very happy:

I find out he is the happiest he has ever been. He started sharing about his wonderful life, fun job and good health.

He doesn’t need you, for the time being. But don’t be surprised if he pops up again, if he hits a lot point again.

To sum up about him, I believe he is an immature, needy and selfish person, and was only using you to mother him. He never truly loved you. At first he glorified you (maybe even was flattering you), then he turned 180 degrees and started despising you and projecting things on you.

As for you, these sentences stand out:

“Learn to stand up for yourself. Being needy is not sexy”. For someone who has build her life around never taking help from anyone, these words hurt like a dagger.

I have been struggling so much to give up on thinking about him. It’s hard to accept that he doesn’t care for me or love me anymore. I never opened up to anyone like this…. I am angry with myself for still being in love with him. I feel annoyed that I still want to get information about him. It hurts to even think that he might be with someone else.

I wonder if I am attracting people like those but I am worried I will never be able to love and trust anymore. I want to be happy with myself.

It could be that you, as a strong, capable woman, are attracted to weaker men, whom you are trying to save? You perhaps see your worth in being a care-taker. Now that he used you and abandoned you, you might feel unlovable and unworthy?

Is it fair? I worked so hard, I loved so hard only to be left alone.

No, it’s not fair. Your anger and disappointment are justified. He didn’t really love you, he used you. But you can learn from this experience. You can learn to heal, so you don’t attract such men any more…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Jisoo,

Hi Teak, your description of him is hilarious

so it means it might be true? 🙂

I always wondered why is he single still .. he matches all society standards and seems to be a good catch.. well settled, good looking, polite, decent and extremely charming personality. As far I remember our earlier conversations, most women before me ..tagged along with him until they understood he is not ready to commit or marry

Yes, this is typical of narcissists – it all seems perfect, and yet, something’s wrong… And the fact that he was always polite, calm and put together – like a robot, you say – it’s definitely a pretense. You say he worshiped you, but it actually may be that he “worshiped” you only when you worshiped him. He liked his own reflection in your eyes… Well, it’s good you put an end on it…

As for your fear of guys disappearing on you:

But now in my current state, I get extremely clingy when the new guy disappears, think I am wrong or unworthy of love ..whatever it is. I don’t feel secure.

you say you react by believing it’s your fault and that you’re unworthy of love. I am assuming that this feeling of being unworthy of love existed in you even before, but was triggered by the trauma of your husband’s death. Sometimes some of our early trauma is buried and only gets triggered later in life. Do you think this might be the case with you?

Hi Murtaza,

I do have a place, a fridge, and everything i need for, so what would be the motivation to work?

True, you don’t have the motivation, and I get it that you don’t want to work if you can manage on your father’s allowance, at least for the time being. I just mentioned willingness to work as one example of making an effort for someone you love. But you don’t necessarily need to work to be in a relationship. There are such couples where the woman is working and the guy isn’t. It’s not a sin (maybe it is in Iraq, but not elsewhere). There are even couples who both live on disability. So having a job or not is not the main issue.

What I was rather saying is that it’s unlikely that you can have a loving relationship considering your apathy. And your apathy goes beyond just your unwillingness to work. It’s the belief that life isn’t worth living. You aren’t saying: life here in Iraq isn’t worth living, but you’re saying: “life anywhere on this planet isn’t worth living. I’ve grown up with brainwashed, cruel people who mistreated me, therefore all the people (or most of the people) everywhere must be brainwashed and cruel and will mistreat me. Wherever I go, there is no point in trying because the result will be the same. I will be hurt.”

Would you agree that this is what you’re thinking?

Dear Jisoo,

Yes, I misunderstood you regarding your father’s behavior, because I assumed that he was the one guilty for sexually harassing you when you were a young girl. I made the wrong assumption because of a few things you said: you said you feel safer with any man than you do with your father, and also that you were in a situation where you were helpless, and that it’s difficult to fight own family members.

Based on all that, I assumed it was your father who is responsible for sexual harassment, and not other men. But true, you never said he was the one who harassed you when you were a young girl. You only said he would gaze at you with sexual undertones and made some comments, when you were staying at their place after the death of your husband. I apologize for making a wrong assumption.

As for the man having the need to disappear – I thought that you might have been too much for him at times, and that’s why he had the need to reduce contact and “disappear” on you during the weekends, for example. Like, he had a need to check out and take a rest from you. But that was again just an assumption, which might not be true, because you say his mother wasn’t a demanding person. I mean, you don’t know much about her, just that she was feminine and motherly. Perhaps you do remind him of her?

I really don’t want to speculate, it’s hard to understand his intentions. But for this or that reason, he probably has a fear of commitment… I was trying to understand his hot and cold behavior, and came up with one possible explanation – that you remind him of his mother – which might not be true.

Hi Murtaza,

When i cared about anita, i still thought life is meaninglessness, but she isn’t, it doesn’t go hand in hand,

Relationships are a big part of life. So if the person you care about isn’t meaningless to you, then this part of life – your relationship with this person – isn’t meaningless either. Then how come life as a whole is meaningless, if a big and important part of it isn’t?

i can provide anything besides changing my life, care, attention, understanding, respect, love.

And if your loved one is sick and needs money for a life-saving surgery, would you still refuse to earn the money? Would you say – I care about you otherwise, but don’t ask me to save your life, it’s too much of you to ask?

You mentioned once that a girl friend of yours put an ice pack on your foot when you hurt it. Well, even to have an ice pack around, you need to have a fridge, you need to have a place to stay and access to electricity… and someone needs to earn the money for it. In order to provide some basic care for our loved ones, we need to have the physical/material resources to do it. Without it, we can just say nice words, but that’s sometimes not enough to help the person we love. That’s how love and willingness to work for example go hand in hand.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.