Dear Ashmitha,

He asked to talk a couple weeks after our breakup and said he felt miserable and couldn’t stop thinking about me,

That’s curious because before you broke up, he didn’t really show much interest in you, except once per week, during your intimate encounters. Could it be that he only misses that part, and in order to have it back, he was willing to agree to certain provisions, like introducing you to his friends, inviting you to a vacation with them, talking on the phone once or twice per week, and not ignoring your texts. He figured this is the minimum that should keep you satisfied… and he can still get what he wants. He now has to put in slightly more effort, but not too much more…

Since we met, he has said he wants to get married at age 30-31, which I thought was late. Recently he told me, he’s thinking of 32-33 now….

How old is he now? 27? Why the wait? Are there some objective reasons, or he simply doesn’t feel like tying the knot, but having fun as long as possible? I am sorry if I sound bitter, but I don’t think he has changed, and he’s still stringing you along…

Dear Candice88,

That’s actually something he has said he does – saying things that he doesn’t mean just to get me to lighten up, because he thinks “easing the tension fixed our relationship”. Even though the lies show up further down the road and make everything worse. To me this is very simple to understand, AND he and I have had this conversation countless times with no changes in his honesty or communication skills.

Right. It’s a childish behavior on his part – just make something up to make “mommy” less upset. It’s manipulative and shows he doesn’t really want to change. What has transpired at your last couple’s therapy session, if you don’t mind sharing?

I agree about what I should do when I doubt myself. But I’m at the point where I do feel like I won’t find a person for me, and it’s all very scary.

You believe so because the relationship with him is falling apart and is likely not going to work, and the previous one fell apart too. But you went into both of those relationships with lots of baggage, lots of childhood trauma, and it definitely impacted both the choice of partners and the outcome.

With M, you’ll be better off without him, and I believe you see that too. He doesn’t really want to give you anything, he wants you to tolerate his lousy behavior, and then when you get pissed, he tells you something to calm you down – which he doesn’t mean and is a lie. I don’t see any potential for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship there.

With S, your old trauma was triggered when he cheated on you. After that, he didn’t have any empathy for you and kept torturing you with his partying and refusing to tell you when he gets home. He put all the blame on you, when in fact, had he loved you, he would have understood where you’re coming from and made that little gesture of sending a text. This only increased your anxiety and panic attacks, and led you to be desperate and anxious – which eventually led to him pulling away.

In the relationship with S, you were both responsible for things not having worked out, while in the relationship with M, I think you’re doing everything you can, and yet he is unwilling to do his part.

It seems to me that now you are much more self-aware, you’re going to therapy (and I encourage you to work on your childhood trauma, if you aren’t already), and are in a better place mentally and emotionally. You’re working on your healing and there is no reason why you wouldn’t find a partner – someone who would love and respect you and also have empathy for you. You had 2 bad relationships, but it doesn’t mean all your options are exhausted. In fact, if you work on your issues and heal your trauma, you have a much greater chance to find a good guy and have a healthy relationship.

On top of that my love for my ex has grown, despite my efforts to stay busy, and I have dreams almost every night that my “parallel universe” wish comes true – that he and I meet up again for a weekend just to hang out for me to see if the he is actually someone I should/could give a second chance and to rekindle our relationship.

It’s no wonder you are feeling love for S, because he seems to have grown and understood his mistakes, so he seems like someone you could be happy with. But I still think that a lot of your day (and night) dreaming has to do with the infatuation that your inner child feels towards S, because he feels like a perfect parent. He, unlike your mother, finally realized that he was wrong and that he’s hurt you with his behavior. You sought closure, both from him and your mother, and unlike your mother, he gave you the most perfect closure possible. This is what I wrote to you on July 25:

When you sought closure, you might have wanted something similar: for your mother to understand you, to admit her mistakes, and remove the barrier between the two of you, so you could have a loving relationship with her again. But it didn’t happen, and it rarely does, unless the parent is working on themselves too.

With S, you sought the same: that he would finally understand what he did to you… And lo and behold: it seems S does understand you and has admitted his mistake, which leaves (at least in theory) the door open for a loving relationship. S did what your mother couldn’t do: he admitted his mistake and even expressed that he loves you.

No wonder you are fantasizing about him. I don’t know if it’s meant for you to be together, but I am sure he is not the only person who could truly love you. You need to keep repeating yourself that you’re lovable and deserve proper love, not manipulation and breadcrumbs. Two failed relationships don’t mean that there is no future for you. You’re only beginning, you’re only starting to blossom now. Give yourself patience and time, and things will get better, I promise you.

Dear Tineoidea,

He always tried to monopolize my time/attention and highly disliked it when I spent them on somebody else. He was also always critical of my other friends.
There was a project to which I invited him, that would then support my living. There he mostly alienated people with his reckless behavior and tried to defend himself when I told him to stop. He also kept making promises of helping me with this and that but never actually did anything I asked him of, even simple tasks, then complained about me “leaving him out of the decision making” when he himself barely engaged, had no idea about what was going on, encouraged me to drop the project and even went MIA for months.
So to say, the concept of personal accountability is mostly alien to him and he’s quick to anger.

Well, I have to say, with such friends, who needs enemies… His character is lousy, he is not just selfish and possessive, but unreliable and untrustworthy, and not taking responsibility for his actions, but accusing you of “leaving him out of the decision making”. He gets angry quickly, behaves recklessly, criticizes everybody else but has zero self-criticism and self-awareness.

He monopolizes your time, gets jealous and angry when you spend time with other people, accuses you of not spending even more time with him, and claims that he “was trying his hardest to be the best friend.” When in reality, he behaves nothing like a friend, but like a spoiled brat who only causes trouble.

What I felt though is that I had to erect barriers to fend off his possessive behavior. Yet I still cared a lot about his wellbeing and such.

You too, like your girlfriend, have a soft spot for him and gave him way too much leeway. You say you cared about his well-being. Does it mean you felt responsible for him, felt obliged to take care of him, in spite of his lousy character? Have you felt similarly obliged towards your family members perhaps?

Dear Tineoidea,

I assume because he was never able to exercise such influence over me even though he was quite possessive and such in the past, or perhaps this kind of behavior was new to him, only happening after I cut him off and he got very upset at me.

It seems to me that you yourself had a soft spot for him, tolerating his possessiveness. You said that when you first noticed his negative influence on her, this is what happened:

I removed him from the spheres where they could see each other and interact. I took the fight to our internal front because I myself didn’t want to lose a lifelong friend and thought that he’d come to reason. During this period we have spent some time “going back to our roots” so to say, doing together activities we used to. I thought this would help him soften up and come to terms

It’s like you needed his approval and blessing to continue the relationship with her. You didn’t want him to be upset. You thought he’d come to terms with the fact that he won’t be the center of your attention any more, that you found someone who would take his place, someone more important than him. Clearly, the guy was possessive, but you allowed him to take that special place in your life and abuse your friendship. Maybe now is the time to consider why you allowed it and how you yourself are susceptible to manipulation by people like your former friend?

I wonder if there’s anything I could do right now. Just let it be and see if she contacts me in the future? Try to actively but subtly engage with her perhaps through e-mails? I feel like any little misstep could just make her gain even more distance or become even more angry. She’s been disregarding all my observations, feedback and counsel during this conflict after all.

I think that contacting her at this point would be counter-productive. She seems completely blinded by him, trusting everything he says. She sees you as the bad guy at this point.

One more things, when I attempted to talk to him and told him our story, he constantly said that the story she told him is quite different, that I’m lying and making things up, that he trusts her and not me. Here I couldn’t help but to wonder what she’s been telling him and she’s an accomplice in all of this. Previously she pretended to like something she loathed just because he shared it with her.

I wouldn’t trust a word of what he is saying. He is manipulating both of you, pitting you against each other. Both of you are his victims, only she fell for it much more deeply than you. She is almost certainly not a bad guy in this story, she’s not a narcissist, but a victim of a narcissist. I do hope she soon gets disappointed in him and starts seeing things more clearly again.

Dear Tineoidea,

she has a heavy dislike for her brother. She mentioned that when they were growing up, he always belittled and discredited her even though she performed better academically and such

That’s interesting. I see a similarity in her brother discrediting her and your former friend discrediting her too in the beginning. But then your former friend “turned around” (unlike her brother) and probably started flattering her and praising her… and it could be that she felt finally validated, like she never felt before. If this is so, your former friend is like a proxy for her brother and soothes her original wound, inflicted by her brother.

If so, she really wants to hear those praises from someone who reminds her of her brother, and she is blind to the fact that this person has a bad influence on her and is manipulating her. She sees him through rose-colored glasses and demonizes you, because that’s the only way her relationship with him can survive.

I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

What do you do to switch during the day? You said journaling and reading isn’t an option for you in the morning… so what is?

Dear Tineoidea,

My legal situation isn’t anything “illegal” per se, and certainly not something which could have put her in trouble.

Right, so it cannot be a reason for her withdrawing.

Well, her behavior is certainly weird, starting from the fact that she sought contact with him, even though he attacked her and badmouthed her, and then refused to apologize:

He became rather nasty with her, treating her like a lesser being. She had suffered a lot over it, cried a lot. I was intent on cutting him off since he simply refused to reason, apologize and own up, instead he kept doubling up on his abuse of her and made me lose more and more trust in him. Meanwhile, she kept wanting for things to work out, didn’t want me to lose an old friend, and so I kept trying to mediate.

Usually, narcissistic people don’t tolerate someone talking rubbish about them, so the fact that she did tells me she isn’t a narcissist. It’s almost as if in the beginning she cared more about your friendship with him than she cared about herself? She had some strange attraction to this rude, abrasive person, even if he’s offended her multiple times, and he also worked against you (I must say that he also endangered my livehood, and she was aware of it.).

In any case, whatever her psychological profile is, she is a troubled person, and I do believe she has some self-destructive tendencies. You said she has a history of being stuck in abusive relationships. It seems to me that she rejected a promising relationship with you for an abusive, manipulative relationship with your former friend. And it can only be because of her unresolved emotional issues, probably stemming from her childhood.

I think there won’t be any revelations until she disengages herself from him and re-arranges her mind.

I don’t think you should hope for her to renew the relationship, until she’s worked on her issues. Because she is unstable and unable to assess the situation properly, and as she herself admitted, “she doesn’t know herself”.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.