Dear Tineoidea,

Very, but her support in it was vital, although at times I felt like it was lacking since she probably didn’t quite grasp my struggles even though she said she did, and I explained it all in detail.
Neverthless, things still progressed until she got in with him, at that point she just began to blame those issues exclusively on me and angrily refused to acknowledge that she may have also failed me here and there even though it was most likely due to misunderstandings, all of which had a simple solution at hand.

It seems that before she got involved with him, your problems could have been solved with better communication and perhaps couple’s therapy (to deal with the misunderstandings and possible resentments here and there). But once he started exerting his influence, she flipped.

The switch in her behavior was radical once she involved herself with him, going as far as displaying traits I didn’t even think were in her, such as cruelty, blind anger, lack of empathy, gaslighting, heavy disrespect and a lot of dishonesty (even towards herself).

I am sorry about that, Tineoidea. There was probably some unresolved anger in her, maybe anger at her brother which she falsely directed at you. It completely overtook her. Your “friend” was a trigger. That’s how I can best explain what happened…

How are you feeling about it now?

Dear Tineoidea,

Not really, she may have reacted to some minor behaviors of mine which irritated her a tiny bit (as I did with hers) a few times but that’s about it. We spoke about and acted on those, and they certainly weren’t something we couldn’t sleep over or even remembered the next week.

What comes to mind is that those things were minor for you, but perhaps not that minor for her? You use the words “minor”, “tiny bit”, “not worth remembering the next week”…  so you are minimizing them… but perhaps they weren’t so small in her mind? That could have been the reason why she gladly accepted and agreed with his criticism of you. And suddenly, it became a “character problem”, because they both saw something you weren’t willing to see?

I am not claiming that any of this is true, but just trying to understand her behavior. Her behavior may be irrational, in which case there is no logical explanation for any of it. But there might be something that you aren’t (and weren’t) willing to see, and this is what I am trying to explore – if you are willing, of course.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Tineoidea,

I mentioned before that once they got together, her criticism of me switched from our solvable relationship problems to “my character” and how I “abused” and “tortured” him (without any proof or explanations given).

Right, so there were things she didn’t like about you. Have you discussed those before your “friend” came into the picture? If so, how did you react to her criticism?

Dear OrangeHeart,

glad to hear you’re not offended! And you are very welcome.

I understand, seems I have a lot of work to do!

I’ve realized in the meanwhile that it might have been overwhelming to take this all in…  How are you holding up? I am sorry if I overwhelmed you :\

Dear OrangeHeart,

Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental!

You’re welcome, OrangeHeart. Your gut feeling is right and you’re not going mental by thinking that something’s not right with his behavior!

And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods!

Right… that’s your main theme, actually: you’d rather tolerate abuse than stand up for yourself. And the reason is your mother being the bully, and you adopting the strategy of appeasing and pleasing her, rather than protesting.

I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again

The main trauma is from your childhood, and I think that’s why you keep being attracted to people similar to your mother. Maybe this is surprising and offensive to hear (sorry for being so blunt), but it happens with all of us till we heal the original trauma. We repeat…. in various shapes and forms. Perhaps your previous ex was an outright narcissist and sociopath and he may have enjoyed torturing you (you didn’t say the latter, I am just assuming). Your current boyfriend might much more “meek”, and his controlling and manipulative behavior might stem from his insecurity.

Nevertheless, the result is the same – you feel like you need to suppress yourself so he wouldn’t be upset. And he can get upset super easily and then treats you badly. So you need to give up on yourself to stay in a relationship with him. And that’s pretty much what you needed to do with your mother (and what your father needed to do)…

he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute…

Yes, he is the one who needs you – to control his moods, to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel in control. You have a mother role for him – you’re there for him to soothe him and make him happy, but he isn’t there for you. It’s an unequal relationship.

I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them!

Yes, it’s not good if one person is the caretaker, and the other the child in the relationship. If one just gives, and the other just takes.

Dear Miss.Lex,

I believe you did the right thing to ask for a break, because he admitted he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend and he’s heartbroken that she left him:

he shared that he was still heartbroken from a previous relationship (one in which he was ‘in love’ with the person)

a reason why he was unable to emotionally validate was because of how emotionally invested in this previous relationship

said he still wants to be with me only if I don’t make his situation about the heartbreak an issue

he feels like he still not over his past relationship

If he isn’t over his ex and maybe even wants her back, then naturally he isn’t capable of a deep, intimate relationship with you. Maybe he kept in touch with you after you left to another state because he felt less lonely and it felt good to have someone to talk to. Has he talked to you about his past relationship and his heartbreak? Because that too is a sign that the person isn’t over it and cannot really focus on their present relationship…

I communicated to him that that we should take a break with no communication until he has done more reflection on his feelings. I expressed that I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to stop talking to him, but it was not fair for me to have an open heart willing to provide unconditional emotional support while he does not due to a past feelings. My intention of a break with no contact was to allow the possibility to reconnect in a healthy way in the future — if he chooses to do so.

I think you did the right thing.

Now I am left here with feelings of disappointment and hurt. …  I am sad. I know I should feel proud in standing up for myself (I’ve never done that before in romance) and also in communicating my needs instead of bottling them up due to fear of conflict. But I do not feel proud. I feel sadness because I feel like I lost something (our connection) while standing up for something else (me). I doubt I did the right thing.

This can have to do with some emotional wound of yours. Sometimes, as children, we believe we need to give up on ourselves to get the love from our parents or caretakers. Standing up for ourselves is not an option, because that means being abandoned by those we love (and depend on). Do you perhaps have such an experience?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Candice88,

it’s hard to be creative and make music when there’s someone else in the apartment with me.

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

The only thing where I can understand him is that he wants to make music (because that’s his job and he likes it), and that he needs a private space (a garage) to do it. And perhaps also that he works best in the night because that’s when his inspiration comes. If he is a musician, these are usually the conditions, and I guess you can’t expect him to work 9-5 and then be home for the evening.

However, being a musician doesn’t justify his other unreliable and immature behavior, such as promising and then forgetting to show up, or lying about things etc. And also, what is he doing in his car for hours? It seems like as a way to escape spending time with you…

I’ve had more than just the two 2 bad relationships, and I’m 28 now. I really don’t want to go back to being optimistic, hopeful, and open to another person, because I’ve always been let down pretty hard. Lately I’ve been softer and more vulnerable with M, like when we got together, because the therapist told me too in order to give M the opportunity to prove himself.

I guess you gave him the benefit of the doubt. You’ve been tolerating his neglectful and lousy behavior for quite a while, and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible (And it’s honestly maddening to be looking him in the eyes and tell him, for the twentieth time), with only occasional outbursts of anger. As a side note, the latter was the only thing that actually made him change his behavior – temporarily. But he’d do it reluctantly, resenting you and blaming you for not being tolerant enough.

Anyway, you’ve been practicing empathy and understanding (a softer approach), as a way of self-development. And you’ve been doing pretty well. But now it’s time to stop practicing it with M, because with M, empathy and patience only means he’s going to continue treating you badly. And no amount of explaining or pleading or therapy seems to help change his behavior. Only your anger helps for a short while, but it’s not an honest change but a way to appease you and reduce tensions.

Being more empathetic and patient is a good quality, but it won’t lead you anywhere with M. It will only lead to more abuse and neglect. That’s why you “end up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused”.

Soft, vulnerable, open, understanding, patient…. doesn’t work with M, it only hurts more. However, it is necessary for a healthy, committed intimate relationship. Those qualities are essential, but not to be practiced with people who don’t deserve it. With people whom you need to protect yourself from, rather than open up even more.

I have my lease for October, I’m moving out soon…but after that I’m not really expecting anything good to happen anymore. I’ve had many friends actually tell me “Maybe you have to come to terms that you’ll never find someone who deserves you.”. Which has been…hard to hear.

Those friends of yours aren’t helping you… maybe they don’t know what to say, and this is the easiest to say (besides “don’t worry, things will get better”). These 2 relationships, and those before them, helped you grow. You’ve grown a lot in the relationship with M. You’re only 28. You said you’d like to have children some day – well, you’ve got at least five more years to have your first child. You’ve got plenty of time to find a good guy. You aren’t late for anything and you’ve got plenty to hope for.

In one month you’ll be out of the flat and out of the toxic relationship with him. That’s when you can close the door to old and abusive, and open the door to new and healthy. As I said, you’re just beginning…

Dear Tineoidea,

It’s always been there and like I said before, I bond for life so I’m always the last one to leave a sinking ship. I try to make things work even at my own expense once I’ve bonded with somebody and I tend to put up with a lot, perhaps too much at times.

Yes, it appears you stayed in the relationship with your friend at your own expense, and now even at the expense of your relationship with your girlfriend. I am trying to understand what caused this sort of loyalty, which is self-destructive – you’d rather sacrifice yourself and your well-being than the relationship. What do you fear would happen if you’d put yourself first and protect your interests and your well-being, rather than the relationship?