Dear Dave,

how are you? Have you managed to come up with some agreement with your wife?

Dear Felix,

Right now i’m trying to learn to draw digitally… at least to make me good at something… i dont care anymore if what i’m drawing is cartoons, at least it’s better than following someone’s life only not to get judged.

It’s good you’re learning to draw digitally, if you have interest in it. By all means, do what interests you and makes you happy, not what someone else is doing.

i hope i can do it… because if i can draw and also learned chinese language, i can unlock myself with 2 abilities.

Is this the correct way of thinking? I need to be good at many things?

Yes, it’s a good plan. You don’t need to be good at many things. And as I said, do it because you like it, you feel some inclination to it, not because others do it.

It’s the saboteur, i hate it… it keeps giving me endless list of regrets that i made in the past.

Most of my days are ups and down, sometimes the saboteur isnt there, but whenever i feel down it’ll appear and gain control of my head.

Good that you are aware of it, but also be aware that it’s a voice that is not telling the truth. It’s motivated by your fear, it wants to keep you “safe” by not trying anything new, by keeping you stuck in endless thinking and obsessing that paralyzes you for any action. So be aware that the saboteur is not telling the truth. His “defense” is harming you.

My parents told me that i shouldn’t have this kind of attitude, i always feel regret whenever i saw someone who’s the same calibre as me achieved better things… i’ll think “why didn’t i succeed like him, i know i can be better than him”,”how is he better than me now”.

My parents said if i have this kind of mindset, i can crash midway… as i changed my opinion easily…

They are right. They see how your regret and self-doubt is harming you. At least they aren’t judgmental. But they may use your self-doubt to “worry about you”, like they (specially your mother) worried in your childhood. In their childhood, they worried about your eating habits and your health, now they worry about your mindset. This can make it harder for you, because you see it as another reason to criticize yourself.

So when you hear the saboteur’s voice again, try not to criticize it, try not to hate it (It’s the saboteur, i hate it). See it for what it is – a misguided defense mechanism. You can even tell him something like: “I know you are worried about me, like my parents were, and you don’t want me to make mistakes. I understand your motive. But I’ve learned some things about myself now, and I want to try new things because they will make me feel better. I am not afraid to try new things because only through trial and error can I grow. And I want to grow. I don’t want to stay stuck. So thank you for protecting me so far, but I’ve got it now. I can take it from now on. I am growing every day.”

If you try this strategy with your saboteur, let me know how it went…

Dear Lily Margarette,

you are very welcome. How do you feel about the suggestions I made? Do you think you can speak to your husband and demand those conditions to be met?

Dear Lily Margarette,

you are welcome, I am glad you don’t feel like it’s all in your head any more.

The thing I’m most worried about are the children. They don’t have a close bond with his family as they’ve never shown interest but I feel my husband is forcing a relationship on them. My two sons aren’t fond of their aunts as they’ve heard me being bad mouthed by them. One even read nasty text messages on my husband’s phone about me. This really upset my son.

That’s enough of a reason to not allow your children to go visit, only to have to deal with their grandparents and aunts talk rubbish about their mother! If the children don’t want to go, your husband shouldn’t be forcing them. I mean, if he wants to bow his head and take their verbal abuse, well, he can go ahead, but he doesn’t have the right to force that on your children. I would put my foot down and refuse that he takes the children with him when he visits.

If his parents and sisters want to see the children, they can indeed visit you, and you will allow it, out of the kindness of your heart. But in that scenario too, I would forbid any badmouthing you in front of your children. If they can’t help themselves and keep their mouths shut, they aren’t welcome.

If I say to my husband he should go visit them alone he always wants to take the kids and they desperately don’t want to go and I just don’t trust them around my kids as I honestly think they’re toxic. So what do I do? I’ll be accused of being controlling and accused if keeping the kids away.

The kids don’t want to go, and it’s not good for their mental health to be forced to listen to rubbish about their mother. Full stop. Your husband might accuse you of being controlling, but you are protecting the children.

We have a religious family celebration for my son approaching soon and he wants to invite his parents and his sisters and none of them speak to me! He says its important to him they should be there and I’m not being supportive if I can’t do it. These people have ruined nearly every family event. His dad even told me I looked ugly on my wedding day for instance! I’ve literally been dealing with this for all these years and I’m so tired now.

Since this is a special occasion, you can allow this visit, however under the condition that they don’t badmouth you in front of the children. They should treat you nicely and be polite and keep their filthy mouths shut. Your husband should tell them that in advance. If he isn’t willing to, or they end up ridiculing him and laughing at him, well, they aren’t welcome. And if your husband doesn’t agree with your terms, then unfortunately he isn’t respectful of you, and will always side with his parents. And it’s a sign for you to start thinking of separating himself from him.

Dear Lily Margarette,

you are very welcome.

I spoke to him today and he feels by visiting them it’s sorted it out even though I’ve had no apology or heard anything from his parents.

It’s sorted out for him – he feels stressed if he doesn’t smooth things out with his parents, so he apologizes, maybe even in your name, or says something like “oh, she didn’t mean it”, and that’s how he appeases them and maintains a courteous relationship with them. But it’s not sorted out for you, because you’re made to be the guilty party and they are innocent. So things are upside down. And your husband unfortunately is keeping things upside-down and contributes to this unfair situation.

I told him I can’t have a relationship with his sisters and parents because I find the negativity they project is too much for my mental health.

You’re right. You don’t need to have a relationship with someone who is so rude and disrespectful to you. You don’t need to go visit them and then get a humiliating treatment. You have the right to say No and respect your boundaries and as you said, your mental health.

My father-in-law has always been rude, the way the whole family speaks to eachother at times is shocking but no one ever stands up to him, apart from me and other people who are outside of the family say this is his problem with me. I dare to speak up and to add insult to injury I’m a woman.

So he is a bully (and a narcissist?) but no one dares to stand up to him, apart from you. That’s why you’re so “offensive” to him. Like, how dare she speak to me like that?! You have the guts to stand up to him, which your husband doesn’t. You are able to defend yourself alright, but your husband cannot defend himself, neither can he defend you.

I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. … I think feeling dependant on him makes me feel trapped in a very unhappy situation.

Is your husband respectful towards you otherwise and only shows weakness with his family? If so, perhaps you don’t need to separate from him. But you can tell him clearly that you won’t allow to be treated like that, and you refuse to keep contact with his parents and sisters, since they mistreat you and disrespect you. Your husband can go visit them alone. If your husband refuses that and guilt-trips you, then you can start thinking of separating because then he truly isn’t respecting you.

How does this sound to you?

Dear Candice88,

I absolutely want him to pursue his passion of music, and I don’t want to get I’m the way of that. But if I didn’t say anything, he would make music 11pm-7am, then either pass out or get to work late for some other reason, come home late because of that, repeat. He has lost many jobs with these habits, and since he’s lied so much about his drug abuse it’s hard to tell what is healthy music making and what is meth induced obsession.

I see… so he has a day job, and making music is his passion, which he does in his spare time. In that case, I see how him spending nights in the garage, “making music”, can be harmful to both his livelihood, his health, as well as your relationship.

We made a compromise last year that he would tell me ahead of time “hey, this is a music night so don’t expect me to be present”. I said I’d love half of the nights each week to share a bed with him. He has YET to use that system we agreed to, instead telling me he’s coming then never come.

Yes, that would make sense: 1) to organize his day so he can create music and yet not stay up the whole night, and 2) if he absolutely needs to stay up late, to limit it to one or two nights a week, e.g. Friday and Saturday night, when he doesn’t have to go to work. If he absolutely refuses to stick to any kind of agreement, and just does as he pleases (and causes harm to both of you in the process), it’s not a relationship because he totally disregards you.

In his car he is on his phone, smoking his cigarettes while texting people and watching videos.

He wants to stay away from your “criticism”, I guess. It’s like a teenage boy hiding in his room from his mother… Well, I think you stayed long enough with him, trying to work out a compromise, trying to be patient and understanding… but nothing worked. If you want good for yourself, you’ll stop trying and simply wait till October 1 to move out, and never look back…  A big lesson learned, hopefully not to be repeated…

As for S, I think this is very true about him:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

Yes. He for some reason was super kind and loving to you when you met, he “admitted his mistakes” and professed he still loved you, but that he won’t act on it, since both of you are with other people. To his credit, though, he did email you afterwards, stating you can’t be together:

Then he emailed me reinstating that we cannot be in each other’s lives at any capacity for the foreseeable future, which I know is the mature move.

So he sort of gave you closure, he told you it’s not going to happen between the two of you. But I understand your drive to write him nevertheless and explain how you feel, specially since now you know that you’ll be leaving M, so things have changed on your side.

Anyway, he seems to remember things differently now: he is claiming that it was you who pursued him, and you who made him behave disrespectfully towards his girlfriend. And you who caused him anxiety. As if he never opened the door for you, with these words:

he told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each other’s minds, how we are each other’s “big ex”, the relationship we always wanted to work out. He said “it should be you with me”, and “I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you”.

When I first read these words, they sounded fake. This is what I wrote you back then: I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. And I still believe this to be true. He was faking his kindness and “love”, wanting to appear mature and not an a**hole like you remembered him. That’s probably why he insists on being friends with his exes:

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

He probably hates to be seen as a bad guy, as the guilty party, so he tries his best to smear over his past actions with some syrupy stuff. And that’s what he did when he met you too. His words were syrupy and fake: We are both on each other’s minds.  We are each other’s “big ex”. It should be you with me. I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you.

I believe he wanted to create an image of himself as this kind, loving, wonderful guy, but didn’t think you would fall for it. That’s why he is now “frustrated about your dependence on him.” He didn’t want you to fall in love with him and start demanding things from him – he only wanted you to see him in a positive light. He only wanted to white-wash his image.

But why does seeing me once cause him so much stress? I see it as, once again, a sign that he’s not over me. And is scapegoating me as the antagonist in his life, as opposed to his own actions and emotions he needs to work through.

You cause him distress because you want things from him, which he cannot and doesn’t want to give you. He is scapegoating you because he doesn’t want to admit that his sleazy and lying words caused you to start having hopes about him again. His strategy backfired. It’s exactly what you said:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

He messed up with your emotions again, being insincere and lying about his feelings, having no intention to be with you, but only to white-wash his image. This is my impression of him.

Dear Ashmitha,

Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure.

Right… but you are young, only 25, so you can deal with your insecurities, rather than settle for this guy because 1) you believe you don’t deserve better, and 2) you fear judgment and ridicule of other people. It will be much more painful to spend your entire life in misery and depression, living with him, than feeling the temporary pain of people ridiculing you for your relationship status.

Try to look at the bigger picture here and what is really important for you – to please others and live in misery, or to create a happy and fulfilled life for yourself?

It’s clear that this guy doesn’t love you and doesn’t care about you. You say this will be your strategy from now on:

I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.

But he’ll be visiting you once per week still? That’s exactly what he wants, and he’ll probably be pleased with the new regime because it will give him an excuse for not paying more attention to you, and yet, he’ll get his weekly “reward”. It’s a win-win for him. You are the one who is losing in this scenario…

“Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it.

Probably they saw your tendency to stay in relationships for only a short while, and to leave quickly if problems arise. That’s because of your childhood dynamic and emotional scars that we talked about. It was an unhealthy pattern, which you are now aware of. Which means you don’t need to repeat it in the future, you can work on healing those emotional scars.

Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them.

Yes, and you escaped quickly because you feared that a small argument now will lead to huge problems down the road, because you saw it in your parents’ marriage. It was your defense mechanism to prevent bigger pain in the future…

I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.

It’s not an embarrassment to say that you are single again, because you’ve realized some things about yourself and you value yourself more than this guy values you. And that you aren’t willing to settle for less. And also, that you’re working on your other issues which made you fear conflict and leave some relationships too soon.

It’s not embarrassing to become more self-aware and more willing to work towards your happiness. If those friends don’t understand and appreciate it, if they keep judging you and ridiculing you, then they don’t deserve to be your friends.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.