Dear Natie,

I’ve been mostly away from the forums in the past few months and haven’t followed them closely. But I’ve noticed that you’ve posted again recently and feel the need to say something… because I see that you’re having a hard time, torturing yourself with self-doubt, believing that you are a bad person for leaving your ex.

Your inner critic is working overtime, telling you things like:

im paranoid i am afraid im narcissist or a sociopath.

i feel like i have the bigger part of being the toxic person

sometimes i feel like im not normal or that im asking too much…

what if i never loved him enough , what if i broke him for life

what if after everything i have put him through that he is right that i am the devil or this kind of a horrible human…

sometimes I wander if this sour relationship was all my fault and if i lost a gem

maybe im the one who deserves the pain

it makes me wonder if im ever worthy of love again

You are taking all the blame for the failure of the relationship, making him into a saint, and yourself into a devil. But based on what you’ve shared earlier, he was no saint. Over time he got increasingly demanding and accused you of being selfish for not giving up on your career for his sake.

You yourself saw it and at times had some clarity about it. For example this is what you wrote in December 2021:

i made good progress in the last couple of months accepting that this relationship has ended and i realized exactly why i lost attraction to him after 3  years of dating; simply because i never felt understood or we never really connected ( as i mentioned in my earlier posts it was more of mother – son / teacher-student) relationship and so i got exhausted and lost any kind of attraction, thats not to say that i didnt mess up big time as well and hurt him at one point.

But then the inner critic took over and you spiraled into self-doubt and guilt again. Anita noticed it in your previous thread, and I agree, that you have a deep core belief that you are bad (“I am bad”). This core belief is feeding your shame, guilt and doubt. And I can almost guarantee you that this belief has formed in your childhood, even if you haven’t been aware of it.

You said you used to write apology letters to your mother if you got a bad mark – that’s how big your feeling of guilt was. You also felt guilty if your parents fought with each other, and you tried to do everything to prevent it – you tried to make your siblings behave themselves (you were “controlling”) so your parents wouldn’t get upset.

In short, it seems to me that you felt responsible for your entire family and also felt guilty (and a bad person) if you failed to keep your parents happy and conflict-free.

I believe that’s how your core negative belief of “I am bad” or “It’s all my fault” developed. And I think this belief was lurking in your subconscious until you cheated your then-boyfriend with a woman. That’s when the “genie” was released from the bottle and it hit you with full strength, telling you that you were a monster, a devil etc etc.

And it’s still active now, telling you those same things for leaving your boyfriend (that it’s all your fault, that you are toxic and he was a gem, that you deserve to be abused, that you aren’t worthy of love etc etc…).

It pains me to see you torture yourself like that, telling yourself these things, because I know they stem from a false belief and have no basis in reality. It was formed in the child’s mind, because we as children always blame ourselves for our parents treating us (or each other) less than lovingly. The way I see it, you’d need to heal and transform that childhood belief. This will free you from your relentless inner critic and allow you to feel better about yourself…

Dear Simon,

I have been following your thread, and there is one thing that I would like to comment on, that stands out to me. It is about lies and pretense, that you say have been at the center of your life:

My life has always been a tapestry of lies, people being part of my life but who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers.

I’m so low so so lonely and I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going… I feel it’s all a pretence.

You said that your parents have always kept their lives secret from you:

I feel my parents have always kept their lives private from me and we only communicate on a superficial level

You say your parents were almost never at home at night, and that you slept 4 nights a week at your grandparents, 2 nights a week at your aunt’s, and only once per week (on Sunday) in your parents’ home. You also say your parents didn’t sleep together, and that they fought a lot. This would suggest that when they went out at night, they didn’t go out to party (or at least not together), but went out for some other reason? Perhaps to attend some business? Did they work at night?

You also mentioned there were people in your life “who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers.” Perhaps your parents were hanging out with bad company? And maybe that’s why they were keeping secrets from you, which made you feel that your life is a “tapestry of lies”? I am just throwing in ideas here, not claiming any of this is true. Just trying to piece together parts of your story, to understand it (and you) better.

You don’t have to answer any of this if you don’t feel comfortable. But if there is some truth in what I am saying, I think it would help you to put together a true story of your life (you can write it for yourself, on a piece of paper), so that you can finally take account of your life. Also, it would help you to see and understand yourself better, thus answering your own question: What’s my purpose? Who am I?

The reason I am saying all this is because it seems to me that when telling your story, you at first tried to dress it up a little, to make it seem nicer than it really is.

For example, at first you said that you have a wife and 5 children, which would suggest that all of your 5 children come from the same woman: “I have a wife 5 children a successful business and I own my own home”. But later you said: “I have 5 children with 3 mothers”. This paints a different picture…

It’s not that there is anything wrong with having 5 children with 3 different women. It’s just that you might have felt uncomfortable mentioning it at first, and so you omitted it, to give a different impression of yourself.

Or another example: you say you don’t really know if you are a good husband and father: “I find myself questioning myself always all day everyday… are you a good father, good husband, good son.” A few posts later, it turns out that your wife doesn’t really think you are too good of a husband (“My wife tells me I behave awfully”), and you yourself admit that you behave badly with her: “I swear at her and belittle her at work”. So it seems that you are aware that you aren’t that good of a husband, but still, at first, you were uncomfortable to admit that, and so you described yourself as a good husband, or as uncertain if you were a good husband.

I am not saying this to criticize you or anything like that, but merely to point out that you might have a tendency to keep certain things hidden, perhaps even from your own awareness, so not to feel the pain of it? Things might have been hidden from you in your childhood, you have been lied to (“My life has always been a tapestry of lies”). So maybe you are now hiding things from yourself (and others), trying to keep the pretenses? Trying to prevent things from crumbling down? (I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going.)

If so, the answer is in becoming completely honest with yourself, perhaps admitting to yourself certain things that you feel afraid to admit. Whatever it is, know that you are not a bad person, but you are hurt. And your behavior (e.g. belittling your wife and swearing at her) is a defense mechanism, to protect yourself from pain. But of course, as in any unhealthy defense mechanism, it creates more pain, both for yourself and others.

it seems as though I am writing my life story which is good as my therapist and I often go off track.

I think it would help you to write a true, raw, not dressed-up story of your life, and show it to your therapist. And discuss it with him/her. Your therapist should have enough empathy and compassion to “hold” you and your story, without judgment. I think this would be a key step in your healing…

Dear Dandan,

You say that since the beginning of this year you started feeling better, but she was already moving away:

But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away.

However, your description of events and the way you behaved just very recently, even this February, speaks differently – it speaks that you haven’t really changed much.

First, on the New Year’s Eve or thereabout, she told you she missed you and asked you about the prospect of you two being together. You said nothing, because you were unsure and you couldn’t promise her anything:

During this new year she said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything.

Then on January 14, she asked you again, and you again said nothing, because you knew you are the same as before – meaning undecisive:

On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before.

During the entire month of January and beginning of February, you went to your friends to drink. She was in touch with you all this time, telling you she misses you and wants to be with you. But you ignored that, even though you knew that your drinking bothers her and that it makes her feel less for you:

And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting.

In February you went to some festivity, maybe a wedding, and you stayed there for a week, drinking heavily:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high.

She begged you to stop drinking, you refused and nonchalantly sent her a smiley.

5 days later, she told you that she agreed that her parents start looking for a groom for her. You say it broke you and you regretted all your drinking and partying. You also express your interest – for the first time – to be with her again:

5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. As she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again.

She was reluctant to reconsider, but you were trying to convince her, and it lasted for several days, you two were having long talks. Eventually she said no:

She got so mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all.

You weren’t too broken about it. You continued to have a casual chat with her. It felt like talking to an ex:

That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess.

Finally, last Sunday you went to another wedding and eventually started drinking. When she called you, you were too drunk to act sober, so you chose not to answer the phone:

And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell.

That’s when she decided to delete your number from her contacts and told you she doesn’t want to speak to you again:

She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that happened since last year. I understood that.

It is interesting that now, when she finally deleted your number and chose not to speak to you again – now you feel devastated and broken. But only a week earlier, when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you, you weren’t too affected. You continued to chat casually with her. You felt fine chatting to her like to an ex.

This tells me that you don’t miss her as a potential life partner and wife, but as someone nice and caring on the other side of the line, talking to you sometimes, when you feel depressed and lonely. That’s why you are panicking now, when this caring person on the other side of the line is gone. You didn’t panic when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you. But you did panic when she told you she doesn’t want to communicate with you any more.

It seems you needed her as a listening ear, not as a partner to share your life with. Perhaps she was cheering you on, encouraging you while you were depressed and drinking. You needed that positive, encouraging voice, but you didn’t really want to give up drinking. To really change. You wanted the status quo to continue.

As for your drinking, Dandan, you say you’re not a drunkard and that you can lead a life without alcohol:

I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. … I am not a drunkard.

I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. … Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling.

Maybe in the beginning you felt good about working out, but after a while maintaining a strict workout regime was hard, and you started drinking again: “was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end.”

You were drinking in the same period while you were working out. So working out cannot replace your need to drink, at least not in the long run.

Also, you were making good progress with your workout in January, but in spite of that, you went to your friends to a drinking spree, which lasted for an entire week. Meaning, again, that workout didn’t replace your need for alcohol:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily.

Also, you are telling yourself you are only drinking because of company. But you know that your company is a drinking company, those are your buddies whom you go on drinking sprees regularly. You know what will happen once you go those parties.

I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, at least regular drinking spree. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering.

Whenever you go out with your friends, you always end up getting wasted. You can’t drink in moderation. Which means you do have a drinking problem. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the better.

If you would like to really work on your healing – both from emotional wounds and from addiction – I am here to help. But I can’t help you if you are denying that you have a problem.

Dear Dandan,

you are welcome.

I understand i need to sort my internal wounds. Last year i couldn’t do it.

So how about doing it this year? The sooner you start, the sooner there will be some positive change. Unless you want to keep stuck in regret:

Now I think I should have rectified my mind which makes it feel heavy with an intimate relationship. … Now I regret i should have taken treatment medicine or anything to rectify that. That regret hurts a lot.

You are prone to regret things. The title of this thread is about your career regrets. Now your focus is on your relationship regrets. There will be always something to regret, Dandan, always something to be in pain for… even if she were with you, you would be depressed about something else, wouldn’t you?

I couldn’t bear this pain. I am scared this pain is eternal.

It will be eternal – if you let it. If you only focus on loss and regret, if you give up hope, if you see yourself as doomed. Then yes, it will be eternal, and things will go downward for you. Perhaps your health will start suffering too (e.g. too much alcohol causes liver problems), and you will be in a much worse place than you are now. And your regret will be even bigger. Now you still have your health and vitality, so it’s not late to turn around.

You can do it, Dandan, if you make a decision that this is the rock bottom for you, and that from now on, you want to go up. Perhaps with some slip-ups, but nevertheless: up, towards healing, towards greater self-esteem, towards better relationships… towards Life with the capital L!

And I just want to add – perhaps it’s not just that you are telling yourself certain disempowering things, but perhaps your husband and his family do that too? Perhaps you even live or have been brought up in a culture where women are primarily seen as wives and mothers, and where it is expected of them to stop working once they have children? I am just throwing in these ideas, because there might be also some social conditioning behind your belief that you aren’t good enough to earn money.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear Lily Margarette,

good to hear from you again! First off, to answer your original question: Is this rude?, I do believe it is rude, specially since you and your husband’s friend have met before: he came to our wedding and we all used to go for weekends away together before we were married.

He is now addressing only your husband, excluding you, but then suggesting that he and his girlfriend should meet with your children (he and his girlfriend would like to see my husband and get our kids together!) He also mentions his girlfriend’s name (The fact that he included his partners name), but makes no mention of you. I think that’s definitely rude.

What is more worrying though is that your husband doesn’t see any problem with it:

My husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with it and asked ME to send him a card back…I refused and told him to do it if it’s so important.

Not only that, but your husband asks YOU to send a card back – even though his friend completely ignored your existence! I find that really disrespectful and insensitive to you. You reacted well – you told him you won’t do it and that he should do it himself if he wants to.

Unfortunately, your husband just continues his behavior of ignoring your feelings and telling you that you are too sensitive, even if his family treats you badly:

Also if I ever spoke to my future husband about my father-in-law’s comments I was always told he was just joking and that I’m being over sensitive, he was like it with everyone. So for a long time I doubted the worries I had as me being paranoid or over sensitive so I never mentioned it to my family.

He doesn’t respect you, similarly like his family doesn’t. Unless he changes, I think the best solution in the long-run would be to separate from him.

But I know it’s not easy for you, we’ve spoken about it before. One of the big issues is that you feel lack of self-confidence in your ability to have a successful career:

My self-esteem in others parts of life isn’t great tbh. I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. I used to work before I had kids but that was 10 years ago and feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again. I’ve tried various things to help me, taking online courses, even starting freelance work for a little bit but I felt out of my depth and scared of failing.

I do feel so incredibly regretful that I never had a proper career set up for myself. I’m educated and always worked (but nothing leading to a specific career) but when I had kids I gave all that up. I’m completely stuck in a rut because I can’t see me ever being able to be independent and having a job anymore. I’m so envious of working mothers because they have the confidence to work. I don’t even know what work I would do as I’m 44 now. I don’t feel I have any skills to give. I feel lost.

It seems you do have self-confidence to stand up to your husband and his family and demand respect from them, however you don’t have it when it comes to work and career. You don’t feel capable enough in that area of life.

Would you like to explore that more? Because that’s important if you want to move forward in your life.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

I am sorry you aren’t feeling better. But I think it’s a very good decision that you chose to take fewer classes, since having the full load has been super stressful and only contributed to your anxiety.

I would like to go back to something profound you said last October:

It’s hard to live life when you feel so inadequate compared to others, but whenever my family, friends, strangers, reassure me and remind me how special I am, I feel so much better. I realize that whenever I feel inadequate, I need to bring the attention back towards myself. I need reminders of who I am and what my strengths are. I don’t need others to validate me and agree with me.

Indeed, you need to tell yourself that you are lovable, worthy and good enough – even if you suffer from anxiety. What you need is self-acceptance. Your parents didn’t understand your anxiety, their message to you (even if they didn’t tell it in so many words) was to be ashamed of anxiety, to not speak about it to anyone, and to pretend that everything is fine. And if you can’t pretend, then something is terribly wrong with you.

I believe what you need most is to accept yourself fully and completely – together with your “weirdness” and anxiety and all of  it. Only when we accept ourselves with our flaws, can we change. That’s a paradox that Carl Rogers was talking about: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

You have learned to judge yourself, because your father judged you when you were a child (for being skinny, for being too sensitive, for being anxious…). This imprint of “I am not good enough” stayed deep within you. It can only be countered by self-acceptance : “I am good enough, even if I have all these weaknesses. I am precious, I am lovable. I am worthy.”

On your other thread you said you are angry at your ex boyfriend because he told you hurtful things:

He insulted me, disrespected me, and treated me very poorly. He insulted me and the insults still linger in my head. I wonder if he really meant that. I wonder if he actually thought I was ugly, or if he was just projecting onto me.

When we don’t love ourselves, the insults hurt much more. A part of you probably believes what he said, e.g. that you are ugly, and another part of you is angry at him. It’s a battle inside of you. If you loved yourself enough, his words wouldn’t be so damaging for you. It’s like there is a wound, and he puts a salt on that wound. If the wound weren’t there, his insults wouldn’t hurt so much. You wouldn’t have the need for him to apologize in order to feel better about yourself. You would feel good about yourself even without him apologizing.

It doesn’t mean he is not guilty for being rude and disrespectful. It’s just that you would be able to let it go more easily. Does that make sense?