Dear Nala,

You are so very welcome. Reading your story, it seems to me there are multiple reasons for your anxiety and self-sabotage.

First, I see a parallel between your blissful, happy, ideal childhood in the first 10 years of your life, and your blissful, perfect relationship with your boyfriend now. Your perfect childhood was suddenly discontinued when your mother got sick with depression, which turned your life upside down. You might subconsciously believe that the blissful relationship with your boyfriend likewise won’t last, and so you start sabotaging it beforehand, expecting its inevitable demise. That’s one possible reason for your anxiety, i.e. self-sabotage.

The reason for your low self-esteem could very well be that you tried to help your mother get better, perhaps ever since you were 10 years old, but nothing really helped – because she “never did anything about it.” When the child tries so hard to make their parent happy, but the parent is still depressed, the child starts blaming themselves and believing that something is wrong with them. That can be at the root of your low self-esteem.

Your mother had a lot of unresolved trauma, but she didn’t do anything to help herself. I assume she didn’t go to therapy and didn’t talk to anyone about it, since it was a taboo in her eyes. Moreover, she told you and your brother not to talk to anyone about it.  You were very affected by your mother’s condition, but you weren’t supposed to show it to anyone that something was bothering you. You were to hide it and pretend that everything is fine (“If there was a problem, I was taught to fix it with my head held high. I was never taught that it was okay to share my life with anyone and it taught me to always have my guard up. It has always made me think I can’t let anyone ever see me weak”).

So you were taught to hide your emotions, hide your weaknesses and insecurities, and pretend that all is fine. But all those negative emotions, fears and insecurities have been stored in your system, and now they are coming out all at once, causing those intrusive thoughts and panic attacks.

It seems to me that years and years of suppressed emotions are now coming to the surface, making you anxious and scared, even wanting to escape back home… But what you would need to do instead is process those emotions, process the fears and the trauma that your mother’s untreated depression has caused you. You won’t be an “anxious mess” if you process those emotions, in the safe environment of therapy. In fact, once you process it, you will be stronger and more balanced, which will greatly reduce the chance of panic attacks.

So this seems to me as the second reason for your anxiety: suppressed negative emotions, which have been a taboo in your mother’s eyes and which you were not allowed to express for many years.

And the third reason for your anxiety, as I see it, is you feeling guilty for not helping your family enough, and feeling responsible for their happiness. Your family has been guilt tripping you – perhaps they are even complaining that you live too far away, so you cannot help them the way they would want you to? And so you sometimes have the urge to get on the plane and leave your whole life with your boyfriend and go back to your parents (“even as I recognize all of the problems I have with my family, I still get homesick and want to be around them. I still feel like they are a safe place for me, especially when I am feeling so anxious”).

You think that by being closer to them you will feel better – because they would love you more (“it makes me feel like if I cannot help them then they will grow to not like me”), and it will ease your anxiety. But their love is conditional: they are guilt-tripping you for not helping them enough, and maybe even for living your life away from them.

Every child wants to be loved by their parents, and so you too, in order to feel loved, you want to please them and help them and make them happy…  but as I said before, you cannot make happy someone who doesn’t want to be happy. You said your mother never did anything to deal with her depression. It seems to me she wants you to help with the consequences of her untreated depression (perhaps finances, help in the household and suchlike?), but she doesn’t want to really help herself – to take responsibility for her depression.

If that’s the case, your help will never be enough. Even if you moved back to your parents and dedicated your life to helping them, I believe it wouldn’t be enough. Your mother would still not be happy, since she chooses to blame others rather than help herself.

So as the third reason for your self-sabotage I see your feeling of guilt and wanting to be loved by your parents, believing that if only you could be a perfect daughter, they would finally love you. So a part of you (the inner child who craves to be loved) would even sacrifice your relationship with your boyfriend in order to please your parents.

OK, I’ll stop here for now… please let me know how you see this and if you feel there is truth in what I said above.

Dear Nala,

I am sorry about the sudden increase in your anxiety and having intrusive thoughts about ending your relationship – which has been a great, supportive and loving relationship – something you don’t want to lose in a million years! It seems to me that these intrusive thoughts are a form of self-sabotage.

You said you’ve always suffered from a mild anxiety and self-esteem issues, and now you are telling yourself: “I will just be an anxious mess, I won’t enjoy anything so might as well just leave now“. There might be a part of you that believes that you aren’t capable of a loving and supportive long-term relationship, because there is something wrong with you. This part may be now sabotaging you.

Or, as anita said, you might believe that all relationships end up badly, based on what you have experienced and/or have been taught in your childhood, and so there is no point in trying.

Or, perhaps your parents had a bad relationship and you feel you would “betray” them by having a good one, and so you self-sabotage out of solidarity for them.

There could be a number of reasons, but I think it would be important to get to the bottom of why you self-sabotage. Is it your own inadequacy and self-esteem issues, or the fear of being different and sort of “betraying” your family?

But most importantly, please calm down, know that it is just one part of you that is sabotaging you, and that you can get to the bottom of the problem and solve it. Trust that you are able to solve the problem and get to the other side successfully!

Dear Dan,

In my last post I said: I can imagine that you felt very alone and frightened during your childhood, having to endure the pain and the trauma on your own, not sharing any of that with your parents.

It occurred to me – and anita already mentioned it – that the pain was probably too much for you to handle (and it would have been for anyone in your situation), and that’s why you disassociated and were not in touch with your feelings. It is very common for victims of abuse to disassociate because it enables them to survive the trauma.

I am not a professional and don’t want to explain things that I know only superficially about, but I think that disassociation is the reason why you don’t really know why you didn’t tell your parents about the abuse. You said you vividly remember the time when the abuse happened when you were 8 or 9 years old. But you still don’t know why you didn’t tell you parents… Which would be a sign that you switched off your feelings and disassociated.

Disassociation is common for victims of abuse, because it helps the person survive the trauma. It’s a self-protection mechanism. You did what you had to do under the circumstances. I guess the circumstances weren’t too good in your family: you said other things happened to you as well, and you are welcome to share about it when you feel ready. There is a reason why the first time you felt validated and appreciated was with your wife. It’s probably because it never happened in your family, with your parents. We can talk about this if you’d like…

I think it would make sense to see a therapist specialized in trauma work, perhaps even someone specialized in childhood sexual abuse, to process the sexual abuse trauma. I unfortunately cannot give you competent advice on that matter. But we can talk about the attachment trauma, i.e. the relationship between you and your parents (which was perhaps different than the relationship between your parents and your brother?)

All that – both the sexual abuse and the poor/inadequate relationship with your parents – could have led to you feeling lack of self-worth (which you mentioned in one of your earlier posts).

I also think that it would be good to practice some self-care – to prepare yourself a healthy meal, or go for a walk, or go to a concert… You said earlier: “I would try to please her while neglecting my own needs“. Is there a need that you have (or a hobby), that you have been neglecting, and that you could return to now?

Dear Dan,

My parents didn’t know about it and I didn’t tell my family until I was 23 years old.

What do you think was the reason for not telling them? There could be plenty of reasons, e.g. your parents were really busy and you didn’t want to burden them with your problems, or they might have been criticizing/strict and you didn’t feel safe to confide in them, or your brother was telling you not to tell anyone…

The fact that you didn’t tell your parents till you were an adult tells me that you either didn’t feel completely safe and secure to share something like that with them, or that you were afraid of your brother (or alternatively, you wanted to protect him), and that’s why you didn’t say anything.

I can imagine that you felt very alone and frightened during your childhood, having to endure the pain and the trauma on your own, not sharing any of that with your parents. There might be even some similarity with your situation with your wife, where you felt very alone and miserable when she couldn’t spend time with you, and yet you didn’t complain, you kept it for yourself and tried to endure. Would you say that some parts of how you felt with your wife (when you felt neglected and rejected) remind you of how you felt during your childhood?

I am sorry you are feeling down these days…and I know how it is to be abandoned and feel inconsolable… But I still think that a lot of that pain is the pain of your inner child. In fact, my guess is that your wife – when she was available and could spend quality time with you – was meeting some of your unmet childhood needs. And I think that’s why you saw her as your source of happiness…  What do you think? Do you think there might be some truth in it?

Dear Sadlyconfused,

I don’t think either that you are a bad woman wearing a mask of a good woman, or pretending to be a good woman, deceiving people. As people pleasers, we allow others to cross our boundaries. We are afraid to say No and be assertive. We are afraid to stand up for ourselves, even if the things we are required to do go against our wishes and our best interests. But we suppress our wishes, we suppress our anger too, and we do what is required of us, maybe even with a smile on our face, because we are afraid of rejection and criticism.

It is in that sense that I used the words “pretend” and “wear a mask”, because as people pleasers, we aren’t authentic. Not because we want to deceive others, but because we don’t want to be judged, and ultimately, we don’t want to be rejected.

Dear Sadlyconfused,

I would just like to add and echo anita’s words: please have compassion for yourself.

I have actually very recently realised that self-compassion is probably key to developing more emotional resilience (I started a workbook on self compassion just the other week!) so it’s reassuring that you’ve advised this. I think I’ve harshly judged myself all my life for the reactions I have and felt like there was something wrong with me.

That’s wonderful that you’ve realized the importance of self-compassion and have started a workbook on that topic! We all need self-compassion, but specially people who were heavily criticized as children. We need that loving, kind, compassionate voice to replace the harsh voice of the inner critic.

Something has just occurred to me – you asked who you are (since you are not and shouldn’t be a people pleaser!) Well, your true self is a compassionate self, having the voice of a gentle, kind and loving parent. If you can find such a voice within yourself, this is the voice of your True Self. If you get anchored in self-compassion, the pieces of the puzzle will start coming together, and you’ll be discovering more and more of your authentic self.

Dear Dan,

I am glad that my first post aligns with how you view the situation and that you feel it’s close to the truth. Let me just quickly repeat the gist of what I said about your needs:

I am thinking that maybe you need a companion who doesn’t have so many responsibilities with children and other people in her life, but can spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, going to trips, concerts, mini vacations etc. You need someone who is free (and care-free enough) to spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, and not burdened by all those responsibilities.

So you need a lot of alone time with your wife, spent in pleasurable and fun activities, where you can enjoy each other’s presence. Is that right?

That in itself is a legitimate need, i.e. a legitimate thing to look for in a partner. There are many people who don’t have children, or who have grown children, and who want to enjoy life as much as possible. This may include traveling, going to concerts, engaging in hobbies, and simply having a lot of free time just to themselves. It would be perfect if you could have such a companion, with similar needs and preferences, and a similar level of freedom.

But let me be completely honest: I think that even if you found such a partner, I am afraid you wouldn’t be truly happy, because it seems that your happiness depends on your partner (Much of my happiness came from her), which you yourself said is not healthy.

So I agree that you would need a better relationship with yourself first (What I need is a better relationship with myself), and only then consider another relationship, or perhaps even renewal of the relationship with your wife.

To be honest though. I’m still holding onto hope that maybe in a few years my wife and I could possibly get back together. With how things went down I do keep that hope alive.

I understand that. You see her as a perfect woman for you, you said you love her unconditionally. But unfortunately there can be quite a few years before your wife is free to love you freely. Because she seems to have a tremendous sense of guilt if she spends time away from her children. And the children, specially her son, seem to have something against you. In the worse-case scenario, it could be as much as 8 years (till her son is 18) until your wife feels free (guilt-free) to be with you again. Are you willing to wait (and suffer) that long?

I mean, you might even choose to wait, but as you yourself said, use that time wisely and work on yourself: I think it’s a good time to work on myself, improve myself and who knows what the future holds?

Exactly! The future is unpredictable, but one thing is certain: if you want a better future, you would need to heal those emotional scars that prevent you from being happy. You would need to learn to be happy even without a “perfect” partner to meet your needs.

And now we come to the core of the problem: the emotional scars, and the abuse you have suffered as a child. I am really sorry about that, Dan. That is tough.

It’s good you are starting to read/watch videos about attachment trauma. The attachment trauma happens in the relationship with our parents or primary care-givers. My question (if you would like to answer) is how did your parents respond to your sexual abuse? Did they know about it? What was their reaction? Because their response (or lack thereof) was probably crucial, and it either helped you, or sadly, it further contributed to you feeling traumatized.

I’ll be glad to keep this conversation going, if you feel it benefits you.

Dear Katrine,

I think your main message should be about yourself: that you like him but you haven’t always shown it because you get anxious around the people you like. You don’t have to say it in one breath and admit that you like him immediately, but you can pace it a little. I like your idea to start with explaining your own behavior and apologizing for it:

I was thinking about apologizing for my behaviour and say when my anxiety kicks in i become rude without knowing (shut ting down, ignoring people) and it’s hard for me to keep a conversation going(he had to constanly be the conversation starter) and then tell him i apreciate him taking time meeting me and give a yoga session

So you acknowledge that you behaved a little strangely and you explain why. If you want, you can also apologize for when you left the pub without saying goodbye. That would be a great prelude into saying that you did it because you like him, and seeing him talk with another girl made you really anxious, so anxious that you felt you had to leave immediately. And then I’d watch his reaction…

I would leave out this part:

then maybe something like but I don’t believe you didn’t read any intention into this, I think you like me as much as I like you. You had several chanses to cancel but didn’t you could have left soon after the session but you stayed.

I wouldn’t argue with him, or present “evidence” that he likes you. It’s on him to tell you that. I mean, you can say that you’ve read some of his behavior as having a thing for you, but you shouldn’t claim it as evidence that he really does. If he still resists and doesn’t want to admit that he likes you as a girlfriend, then there is no point in pushing. If he likes you, he should admit it as soon as you admit it to him… If he needs convincing and is reluctant – after you’ve confessed what you feel about him – then I don’t think you should argue and push any further. But I hope it won’t come to that!

So in summary, this is what I’d suggest: express your side of the story and your feelings, don’t assume his feelings. And watch his reaction… I hope it will be a positive one!