Dear Dan,

I think you would need to accept that for now, she isn’t accessible because her life situation hasn’t really changed since your separation: her children haven’t grown up and they haven’t suddenly changed their mind about you. She still feels guilty for being with you, and as anita said, by not having you in her life, she is at least relieved from some of that guilt.

I am sure that she feels guilty even now, trying to be a “perfect” mother and please everyone. But at least she doesn’t need to please you in addition to pleasing her children, and she doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by her children for seeing you. So two sources of guilt are gone, which makes her life a little easier. (Just to clarify: I think she felt a responsibility to please you too, because when she asked for separation, she said that she can’t be the woman you deserve. That wording shows that she felt guilty for not being able to please you and fulfill your expectations.)

She as a person would have to do a lot of work on herself  – specially on her people pleasing tendencies – to really be free from guilt and be able to have healthy relationships (including a healthy relationship with you). Right now it’s not possible, and it won’t be possible for a long long time, unless she decides to work on herself.

So you would need to accept that she – being a person plagued by guilt – will likely not want to get back together with you. She might do so for a short while, but her guilt would return very soon, and she would ask for “space” again.

I am noticing two tendencies in you: one is to try to move on and work on yourself (e.g. you asked to know more about self-parenting), and the other is falling into despair and trying to soothe your pain with substances (“I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.)

A third part of you is hoping that she might decide to reunite sometime in the future (I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.)

I think it would help you at this point to accept that this reunion – if nothing changes in her life or in her personality – will likely not happen. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be. I know it’s hard, because the inner child in you – who needs her so much – is hoping for a miracle. Your inner child is hoping that some day things will change and she will take you back. That she will at least want to spend the weekends with you, and meet your unmet childhood needs (to be cherished, valued, to be nurtured, held in her arms, etc).

Your wounded inner child is looking for a magical solution for his pain…. but unfortunately, Dan, it won’t happen. You need to take your inner child into your own arms and hold him, figuratively speaking. You are your own savior. She isn’t. No one else is.

I do hope that slowly but surely, you will accept this reality. It’s not easy because there are no magical solutions, but it’s the only way. There is a saying: “No one said it will be easy, but it will be worth it.” I think this applies perfectly to your situation… It will be worth it, Dan, to finally start healing those childhood wounds that make your life miserable in the present. The fact that you are in therapy is great.. Keep at it, and let’s keep our conversation here too, if you find it helpful.

Dear Caroline,

I am sorry for a late response, I was rather busy this week.

I enjoyed reading what you wrote in your latest posts. It seems you are taking a really good care of yourself and making so much progress:

I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. I stay true to myself.

I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature.

On Saturday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child.

It’s fantastic that you are becoming more aware, more observant of both yourself and others, and that you felt more confident and more self-composed at the coworkers meeting at the pizzeria. And of course, it’s great that you are taking a good care of yourself, spending time in nature and listening to music that nurtures your soul. Congratulations on these amazing developments!

I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening.

I think it’s quite possible to be in a sort of half-disassociated state whenever we are out and about… it’s a defense mechanism that you’ve learned. The less mistreatment, injustice etc you notice, the lesser your urge to react, which in turn will keep you safe (or so is your inner child thinking). Sort of “don’t make waves” approach, because if you do make waves, you might get in trouble. So lay low, don’t say anything, don’t react…. Perhaps when you go out among people, your brain automatically goes into the “disassociate” mode, to keep you safe.

Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.

This “delay” in reaction can also be explained by disassociation. You don’t notice it immediately because you’re not fully present, you’re not fully observing what’s going on, while it is going on. Only later, in the safety of your home, you sort of “unfreeze” and start realizing what has really happened and that you might have failed to react… Do you think that this is what’s going on?

So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

Great that you are trying to stay present and be more mindful of what is going on around you. Walking in nature also helps a lot in staying present and grounded. To practice being grounded during your walks, you can put your attention on your feet as they are touching the ground. You can also notice the little details in the forest around you (the trees, the birds chirping…).

The idea is to try to engage all of your senses. If you’re alone on your walks, you can even name out loud the things that you see and the sounds that you hear. That’s how you can further strengthen the sense of being grounded and present in the here-and-now.

What you wrote about my mother is true. I know there is nothing wrong with me, she just projected her lack of confidence and shame on to me. She will not change, she does not want to.

Unfortunately we cannot change people who don’t want to change… But still, you can take a different approach now (different than hers) when and if you visit your family. You don’t need to allow them to disrespect you and treat you like a lesser being. You can either not visit them and feel good about it, or visit them and take a different stand than before. You can now step out from underneath your mother’s “cloud of shame”, where she kept both you and herself all these years, and step into the sunshine of your own worth. You can become independent from your mother, and not a person based on shame any more!

I strongly believe things can change and I will work on that. Feels good to be respected.

So good to hear this! It sure does feel good to be respected, but also to have self-respect. You are making a lot of progress on that path and I am very happy for you!

Dear Dan,

this is very telling:

She told them that she was allowed to see me while they were away

And she wasn’t allowed to be with you while they were around… It’s like her children were the authority who decided whether she is allowed to be with you or not. To me it sounds like a school girl negotiating with her parents that she is allowed to go out to party as long as she comes home by the set time. As if the roles were reversed and she was a teenager following the rules set by her “parents”. Her children take the role of the parents, i.e. the authority figures who set the rules. And she – the mother – takes the role of a teenage daughter who is trying to follow those rules and please the “parents”.

Do you think it’s possible that this kind of role reversal took place in her mind? And that she has two sides within herself: one is a fun-loving, adventurous teenage girl (when she is alone with you), and the other is a guilt-ridden care-taker and people-pleaser (when she is around her children and her own parents, and even around you, when you need a lot of care-taking and pampering?).

Of course, I might be reading too much into her use of the word “allowed”, but I thought I’d mention it, in case there is really something to it…

Dear Katrine,

I would like to rephrase the first sentence from my previous post, so that it better expresses what I meant to say:

I must say that I don’t like his behavior, and I am sorry that his ambivalent behavior leaves you confused and anxious (at least it would leave me anxious if I were in the same situation).

So, I don’t like how he behaves, and I am sorry that you are suffering from it. I hope that you can find a way to be less affected by his ambivalent behavior.

Dear Dan,

I will try to give you my understanding of why she might have pulled out of the relationship. What stands out to me is that she asked for space throughout the course of your relationship: she asked for space multiple times during covid, when you both worked from home, her children were living with you all of the time, and the house “got smaller and smaller”. But she also asked for space during your rekindled romance, when you saw each other only on the weekends and spent fun time together, without her children around.

I can imagine why she felt overwhelmed during the covid period, with all those people she needed to take care of. However, it seems that keeping a leisurely relationship with you and meeting you only for the weekends, also led her to feeling overwhelmed after a relatively short time. And so she put a halt on it.

I don’t necessarily think that she fell out of love with you, but that she is conflicted. It could be that on one hand, she likes spending time with you, but on the other, she feels guilty for being with you, since her children, specially her son, sees you as a rival, as someone who is taking his mother away from him.

May I ask you – when you were suggesting those mini vacations (to which she never agreed) – did you invite her children to come along, or it was supposed to be a getaway for just the two of you? Because children are very sensitive to things like that, and if they feel that you don’t want them around, they will feel jealous and will feel like you are taking their mother away from them. I am mentioning this because you’ve said that your biggest need was to spend time alone with her. So perhaps her children felt it – and they felt jealous and excluded?

As I said, it seems to me that the reason she’s pulled away is her being conflicted, feeling guilty about spending time with you because to her it might feel like betraying her children, not being a good enough mother.

There can be two reasons for this guilt: one could be an irrational feeling of guilt, where she feels guilty for having a life outside of being a mother. Another reason, or an additional reason, could be your behavior. Namely, there might be a certain pull, a certain vibe coming from you, where you prefer to spend time alone with her, without her children, and they feel it, even though you never said it out loud. I am not claiming there is such a behavior or vibe on your part, just putting it out there for you to examine. But if there is, it might contribute to them feeling jealous of you and seeing you as a rival. Which in turn makes her feel guilty and not wanting to have to choose between you and her children. And ultimately choosing her children, of course.

So to summarize, this is my take on why she might feel guilty. It’s either because of (1) her own woundedness and the inability to set boundaries with her children, or (2) she might feel guilty because there is a certain dynamic of rivalry between you and her children, specially between you and her son, which she doesn’t like, or (3) it could be because of both of the above.

What do you think?

Dear iamone,

Thank you for sharing some more about your life. I completely understand why you chose security back then, being a single mother of two small children under the age of 5. And why you were reluctant to take a student loan and go study law, even if you enjoyed working at a law firm very much. I think you chose what was best for your children – to have a stable income and convenient working hours.

So you chose to be a teacher. You hated it, but it enabled you to raise your sons, right? You may have not followed your heart’s desire (to be a lawyer), but you followed a sense of responsibility and duty. You sacrificed yourself for your children. That’s admirable.

Now the situation is different. You say you wouldn’t even need to work if you don’t want to:

I have to add that I don’t absolutely have to work. I mean, how lucky is that? I realize I could just call this retirement.

So there is no pressure, or at least not such a big pressure, to make money any more, right? You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for anyone. You can do whatever you want – you are free to do it.  Whatever you choose, you may do it (or start doing it) as a hobby, without worrying how you will pay your bills.

I’d say you are in a much better situation now than years ago… because now, if you want to, you can follow your heart’s desire. I don’t mean you should become a lawyer – it does seem overwhelming to plunge into it at the age of 56 (although there are people who get their diploma in their 70s). But you can choose whatever you like, without the pressure of making money.

How do you feel about that? About the idea that you do what you enjoy (e.g. paint or write – you say you enjoy both quite a bit), but without pressuring yourself to make a career out of it? To be famous for your work? How would it feel to just let it flow, without any expectations?

You said about painting or writing:

Still, I don’t think I should feel like I need these things to justify my value as a human being.

You most certainly don’t. You are valuable as a human being simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to prove your worth. Even if you wouldn’t do anything for the rest of your life – you are still valuable and worthy. Can you believe that?

Dear Katrine,

I am glad your physical pain is gone! But I understand you’re now forced to work a lot, to pay for your medical treatment. I do hope you won’t have to do it for much longer, and that you’ll be able to return to normal working hours.

Sleeping only 3-4 hours per night is a problem… it seems to be related to not being in a relationship, because earlier this year you were in a relationship, living with a man, and you could sleep normally. Perhaps it’s connected to you feeling anxious alone vs. more peaceful and content when in a relationship. Being single adds to your anxiety, which in turns causes problem with your sleep?

The feeling of being left out still hurts. I went home early from the staff party yesterdaylike i always do. Being in a party setting and everybody being drunk and a ting out is not my thing. It also makes me feel jeloux. Seeing my two friends cling to the guy i like for obvious reasons. But also seeing everybody having fun while drinking. It send me back to High school. Always feeling like the odd man out, and that I’m suposed to enjoy it. I just doesn’t.

You don’t need to enjoy wild parties with lots of drinking and loud music. I myself have never been a fan of such parties… I’ve tried it but it wasn’t for me. So I never really went, or went only a few times and then stopped.

But I see your problem – you crave to be included, to be accepted… and you are not getting that. Maybe sometimes you go to those parties in hope of some love and connection, but it doesn’t happen… In all honesty, one of the reasons it doesn’t happen is because people get drunk, and they cannot really connect in a meaningful way if they are drunk. They are not themselves. You couldn’t even connect with anyone meaningfully in such an atmosphere…

But you experience it differently – you feel hurt and rejected, because it triggers the old wound of rejection. Someone without this wound would say “Nah, I am not going to another party like this because this is total chaos, everybody’s drunk and I feel stupid watching others getting drunk. I’ll rather go to XY place, where there is no alcohol and I can talk to people and mingle.”

But I understand why you can’t say this, why it hurts to feel excluded, even from a bunch of drunk guys.

Because you feel not worthy enough, not good enough… And as I’ve said before, I think it all stems from your emotional neglect in childhood. You might have experienced exclusion more acutely in high school, because that’s when belonging to a peer group is super important to us. For me too, the first time I’ve experienced exclusion was in high school, not earlier. I felt ugly and boring, like no one wants to spend time with me because I am so uninteresting, I am so worthless really. That was my thinking back then…

Later I’ve realized that I felt so inferior compared to my peers because of my mother’s treatment of me. My mother’s severe criticism led me to feel worthless. For you, it’s probably your parents’ emotional neglect. They weren’t there for you, and so you concluded that you are worthless of their time and attention. That something is terribly wrong with you.

I guess we’ve talked already about the inner child healing, which you would need in order to get rid of the sense of worthlessness. Becoming a good parent to yourself, embracing that little girl that often felt alone and abandoned. That’s the ultimate cure, and it helped me as well…

Dear Katrine,

I was just about to write to when you posted… I am so sorry that you were in extreme pain and that you needed expensive health treatment (if I understood well?). Are you getting better now?

You made a great summary of all the things you’ve learned from this experience. I guess it’s easy to forget that and focus on the negative – specially when you are in pain, not just emotional but also physical! Besides being in pain, you haven’t slept much for a month, you worked too much and you feel exhausted. I hope that you’re not in pain any longer and that you can finally get some proper rest.

In recent days you felt rejected by your colleagues, however in the meanwhile you’ve realized that there were times in the past when you cancelled plans with your friends because you thought they don’t like you. You pushed them away before they could do that to you:

Or all the times i cancelled plans with my friends because i was convinced that they didn’t really like me, even though they kept showing me that they did (self sabotaging behaviour, pushing away the people closets to me)

You also said that when you were suffering from depression, people eventually stopped asking you to go out with them, because you always said no:

I mean other people have done that to me before. Would have been nice to have been invited anyway. Like when i had a depression people stopped asking me cuz i always said no, but not being asked hurt a lot. Makes you feel like they don’t care.

So you can see that often it’s not that people don’t like you and want to exclude you, but that you feel not good enough and sort of exclude yourself first. You reject yourself (self-sabotage) before others can reject you.

It’s good that you see this pattern, which has been happening not just with the guys you liked, but also with your friends and colleagues. The pattern is: reject them before they can reject you.

Now that you see the behavior, you can work on changing it. But first, I think you should get plenty of rest if possible, before continuing working on your trauma response and other mental health topics. Will you have the opportunity to rest and relax in the following days?