Dear Sam,

you are very welcome.

I do need to realize that I have to fight the urge to help them whenever they release disagreements they share with others to me.  Afterall, It’s never all bad whenever I’m with them. … Besides, it’s not the worst thing a person could deal with.

You do need to stop trying to help them, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean you need to stay in the situation and tolerate their complaining and raging about the supposed wrong-doings done to them by other people. It sounds as if you are reducing the problem, trying to convince yourself that it’s not all that bad… while at the same time it is draining you (I’m emotionally tired) and triggering your own anger and rage (I’ve been finding myself having so much rage), to the point where you are afraid you might react violently, if I understood correctly? (I was trying to look to an outlet that wouldn’t result in any reckless reaction.)

I believe the first thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation, i.e. move out in case you’re currently living with your family. Or if they complain to you on the phone, you’d need to set some boundaries and refuse to listen and “soak in” their anger and rage. So ensure that you reduce the amount and intensity of triggers coming your way.

And the second thing might be to process and regulate some of your own anger and rage. Your anger is most probably very justified, not only because your family members are stubborn and refuse your help, but also because you might have learnt it as a go-to reaction from the people you looked up to, whom you call your mentors: dad, siblings, grandparent.

If all those people are male and this is how they’ve been dealing with their problems – via anger and rage – no wonder you’ve learned to react similarly. So it’s possible that you’d need to learn some anger management and some mindfulness techniques, so you don’t overreact so easily and potentially violently, if a trigger is presented.

How does this sound to you? Am I correct in assuming that anger and rage was/is a family pattern?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Dougaldog,

I feel for you, it’s not an easy situation. Since you have stayed with your partner, who is an alcohol addict, for quite a few years, I am wondering if you have experienced something similar in your childhood – perhaps one of your parents was an addict, or unavailable/unreliable for other reasons? You’re welcome to share some more, if you feel comfortable…

I agree with anita that your partner most probably won’t change just for you. Since she isn’t even willing to admit that she has a problem, it’s likely that she’ll keep doing it until she can. Your love cannot convince her, unfortunately, as it is usually the case with all people suffering from addiction.

So you would need to find the strength and courage to let go of her, which I know isn’t easy, not only because you love her and have hopes for the future, but also you don’t have anywhere to go at the moment. I believe you’d need to work on both lessening your emotional attachment to her, and also empowering yourself to be less financially dependent on her. Neither is easy, but can be done… If you’d like to talk some more about your situation, specially your childhood and upbringing, you are more than welcome.

Dear Rachal,

you are very welcome. If you decide to go back to India, it will be specially important that he resolves the issue with his parents, i.e. accepts that they may never approve of his marriage with you, and learns to live with their “disappointment”. I hope he manages to achieve that with the help of therapy. I wish you two all the best in your future life!

Dear Rachal:

You said his sexual fantasy might be related to his parents stuff but he first brought this fantasy up 6 years ago when his parents knew nothing

It’s strange that he has been hiding your relationship for so long. Does it mean he only told his parents about you 3 years ago, and that’s when “the parents fiasco” happened? They have never even met you (his parents havent even met me they dont even know me), and yet they have been rejecting you since day 1. That’s bad. I guess he knew they wouldn’t approve of you, and that’s why he has been hiding the relationship. Am I right in thinking that?

If this has been going on for 12 years, it means that his inner conflict might have lasted since then. One way of dealing with the inner conflict could be to create a split in his mind, where one part of him doesn’t like you and wants to humiliate you, like his parents do. That way he could still be with you, and at the same time stay “faithful” to his parents too. I am not saying this is what’s really happening, but it can be, based on what you’ve shared.

his mom has alwsys been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family always and my boyfriend to avoid conflict has always given her an impression that she is in control of his life too

If he has the need to keep her happy by doing what is expected of him, that’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to get married to someone like that. He’d really need to solve this issue and stop seeking approval from his parents.

he said there is no way I will blame you or look at you as the reason for all this because the reason is only me and my parents and not you,

Rationally, he knows you’re not to blame, but subconsciously, he is still seeking approval from his parents. As long as he doesn’t sort that out, it will affect your relationship and your marriage. If not in other ways, it may via his sexual fantasies, in which he is disrespecting you.

may be I am overthinking or may be not I dont know. I dont know may be I am thinkimg too much and feel drained!

No, you’re not overthinking. You are right to be upset and cautious about your common future. The way things are now, it’s not good. He’d need to sort out his relationship with his parents and stop seeking their approval (and even cut ties with them if necessary), otherwise you’ll have problems in your marriage, unfortunately.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Rachal,

it’s understandable that you are upset and disgusted and feel disrespected, because asking such things of you is really disrespectful. He asks you to disassociate love and sex, and that it’s completely normal, whereas it is not normal at all:

he said no I dont want you to fall in love you will love me and only me please dissociate love and sex and I was like I cant for me sex comes only after I am in love I cant just have sex with anyone but he kept telling me like its normal and fine

It’s not normal, although perhaps it is for him. Does he separate love from sex? Is he perhaps having sex with other women beside you, or watches porn, or something like that? I am not suggesting he is, but simply that if this is what he believes, perhaps he doesn’t or wouldn’t have a problem being unfaithful to you either.

he apologised and said these are just fantasies and he wouldnt ask me to actually go out and do it he said he just wants to play it in his head like a roleplay and he wouldn’t ask me to do anything I am not confortable with.

Well, pleading you to do it and convincing you it’s normal sounds like he really wanted you to do it. At least a part of him did. I believe he’d need to see a therapist and figure out what lies behind those fantasies, because I imagine that they won’t go away. Specially if you get married and have children, he’ll be under even more stress, and you said that stress is what triggers his sexual fantasies. So if he learned to self-soothe through sex and sexual fantasies, including those that are disrespectful and humiliating to you, it’s something he’d need to work on in therapy. If I were you, I’d talk with him about it and demand that he deals with those issues before you get married.

Dear Ryan,

you are welcome. I hope you do find some benefits at your new workplace, and indeed, more possibilities for socializing and doing the things you like, such as volunteering.

There are large parts of my childhood I simply do not remember. My sister and I will chat sometimes, and she will bring up something that happened when we were kids. Often I just do not remember the event at all.

We usually remember things that emotionally affected us in some way, be it negatively or positively, so I guess if you don’t remember too much, you weren’t emotionally invested in a lot of what was going on in your childhood. Perhaps because you were disassociating, i.e. not really feeling your emotions already then?

My mother was always a bit emotionally distant. She rarely spoke of her feelings or her emotions. We (my sister and I) did feel that things were often left undiscussed. What I mean is that if something we did upset her, we would talk about it but then that was it. She would speak her mind, and we could speak ours, but it never go too deep. (I know that I’m not articulating as best as I should be here.)

You mother didn’t show emotions to you – that could mean she didn’t show joy while she was around you, taking care of you, spending time with you, playing with you. If the mother is cold and detached and doesn’t show warmth and tenderness, that can be devastating for a child. It registers as rejection – and it could lead to you concluding you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you. And you stopped reaching out, because your mother wasn’t responsive. It can easily lead to depression because when our parents aren’t happy that we exist, then nothing really makes sense, there’s nothing to look forward to, there’s nothing that can bring us joy…

That’s why games like peekaboo are so important, because the parent rejoices every time he/she “reappears”, they are so happy to see us. If your mother didn’t really play with you, this could have very well caused depression quite early on…

If that’s the problem, it can be resolved, by simulating being a baby and playing peekaboo, e.g. with a therapist open to such exercises. CBT won’t do the trick if the wounding happened early on, before the rational brain (neocortex) even started developing.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Elizabeth,

I would just like to clarify something – your anger towards Christopher is justified too, because he did behave despicably. When he found out you were pregnant, he was not only not thrilled, but he also told you that he wouldn’t like to be known as the baby’s father:

Because he didn’t want anyone knowing about my pregnancy, I stupidly told him then we could take a break from each other so that we can throw suspicion from him. he gladly jumped at this.

That’s pretty horrible, considering that he knew you weren’t using contraception. It appears that from the moment you told him about the pregnancy, he wanted to jump ship and cut ties with you. He didn’t want to have anything to do with you, and behaved like that (not taking you to the hospital, not calling you back, not offering to pay for medical expenses, not visiting you while you were recovering, going partying with his friends and pretending as if nothing happened…). Which is despicable.

You however, due to your low self-esteem and the inability to stand up for yourself, unfortunately allowed this behavior. Your heart was breaking at his insensitivity, you needed him to be there for you, and yet, you told him that he is free to opt out. And he gladly accepted it – because he is that kind of guy: selfish, callous, insensitive.

As I said before, a part of you (the rational part) knew you can’t expect much from him, and I guess this is what you were communicating to him: that he can opt out, that you can take care of the baby alone. At some point you even blocked his phone and stopped calling him when you realized he wasn’t happy about the pregnancy:

During my pregnancy after our conversation, I had resolved that I would do it myself. I couldn’t stand another episode such as the one I had with my first pregnancy. I can never force a child on anyone. So I blocked him from my phone. and just stopped calling him.

So a part of you was allowing and accepting his selfishness. But another part of you was hoping that he would still come around, that he has a heart, that he would finally start caring… That’s the inner split in you.

Maybe that’s why he told you he thought this wouldn’t be so difficult (breaking up with you) because you behaved as if you were strong, as if you can take care of things on your own. But that wasn’t true – you were in fact very vulnerable and you needed him to be there for you, but you didn’t show it to him till the last minute (and you have put up with his selfishness for 2 years). And when you finally showed him, when your body was in pain and you needed his help desperately – he was surprised and ran away! Totally despicable behavior – to leave a pregnant woman alone in her pain and disappear, but it was in line with his character, unfortunately. Your tragedy is that you have tolerated his selfishness for too long, hoping he’d finally come around…

We’ve already talked about the reasons why you’ve tolerated his selfishness, and why you didn’t respect yourself enough – it’s because of your childhood and upbringing. I believe that in order to truly heal from Christopher’s abuse, you’d need to look at the abuse and mistreatment you suffered as a child. And express and process that anger too, and learn to stand up for yourself etc.