Dear Katrine,

I am glad to hear that X and Y weren’t high the entire time during your New Year Eve’s get-together, and that you could enjoy their usual, friendly selves (not their “party selves”).

And now seeing him talk so effordless with any woman at work, but not me.

When he talks to other girls, he doesn’t forget their names (or other people’s names)? Does he have memory problems only when talking to you?

Like i didn’t get friend zoned i got kicked out of the friend zone. And he keeps calling me by Nick name to me that’s what you do with friends, To me that’s like messing with my head.

Well, I can actually understand why he has a hard time being friends and being totally cool and relaxed with you – since there-s more than just friendship there. He knows for sure that you like him, and maybe he likes you too or is confused about how he’s feeling. And so there might be more than friendship on his part too. So he cannot be friends when other vibes are involved too. That’s pretty common, in fact.

he nearly got fired back in August so it is making life hard on him. He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety,

You said he’s drinking and partying a lot, sometimes all day long, without getting any sleep, or getting only 2 hours of sleep. Perhaps that’s the reason he lost 4 kg in one week? Not some serious illness, but him living a messy, self-destructive life?

Even if he’s suffering from anxiety and trauma, it doesn’t mean he needs to medicate himself with alcohol and drugs. That’s his choice, and this choice – to get regularly drunk and high – affects his mental health, as well as his capacity to love and be in a healthy relationship. He is ruining himself, making it harder for himself to get better and heal.

You’re angry at him for not treating you properly, or for sending you mixed signals…. But he is so confused and erratic that he cannot treat you better in his current state of mind. He cannot even love himself and care about himself, not to mention care about how he treats other people. At least that’s how I see it.

That’s why I think that you’re expecting too much of him. You’re expecting a decent behavior from someone who is so deeply troubled and confused. And then you take it a step further and conclude that it is YOU who is to blame:

i should be proud of trying something outside my comfort zone (yoga session) but I didn’t expect it to be this hard and now i kinda regeret doing it. I feel like i don’t even wanna try and go out and meet someone else, i just had too much heart ache, maybe i am just suposed to just be alone.

You’re making conclusions based on the failure with this troubled guy – someone who has a lot of issues and is unwilling to help himself. Frankly, you’ve chosen an impossible guy to love, and because he doesn’t reciprocate, you conclude that no one will, and that you might as well quit trying.

Can you see how false that reasoning is? Instead of concluding that the guy has a problem, you conclude that you have a problem, and that you have no chance whatsoever of finding someone who could reciprocate your love. Which is so so far from  the truth. The truth is that this specific guy cannot reciprocate your love – but it doesn’t say anything about you, or other guys!

Please, dear Katrine, don’t blame yourself for something which isn’t your fault! In recent times you’ve learned not to blame yourself, even if your sister is blaming you. Now try to expand that to this guy too: don’t blame yourself and don’t make false conclusions about yourself just because this guy isn’t returning your love. Rather, let go of him and start looking elsewhere!

Dear SereneWolf,

I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death 🙂

I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

So in your first relationship, you were pretending to be perfect, and she was pretending that she likes all the things you do, so you would like her better? I mean, that’s what I’ve gleaned from what you’ve shared about her.

If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy?

You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

Dear Katrine,

it’s so good to hear that you had a pleasant, calm New Year’s Eve.

Well there wasn’t any need for me to be nervous since it was just me, X, Y and the new girl that I had a coffee date with. Two of the boys from work ended up not joining because of their work schedule, and the cute guy didn’t come cuz he knew that if he started drinking he wouldn’t stop and the girls and him and one of his friends were gonna go to a rave party the next morning so it was a very calm New Years’ Eve party.

This sounds perfect to me – peaceful, not too loud and relaxed – something I myself prefer. Did you feel good? Did the girls know it was also your birthday that day?

I have been staying for a drink after work a couple of times talking to whoever collegues are there and will keep up doing it. I’m only staying for an hour or so so I can still get my rest (have been working ten days in a row) but being social for even just a little bit is doing me good.

Great! You’re practicing being social, however not exhausting yourself but doing it in moderation. Excellent approach!

I am also glad that your anxiety didn’t go up too much around the guy you like. And that he did nod to you – meaning he has acknowledged you and wasn’t rude/weird, as he sometimes is with you.

As for his birthday, you said “He wasn’t in any obligated to invite me even if I invited him to my place.” — well, it’s customary and polite to return the invitation, i.e. to reciprocate. You invited him to your birthday party (and he came), so he could have invited you to his. But I don’t remember now – was his birthday party after you confessed to him that you like him? Maybe he didn’t invite you since it would have felt awkward?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is customary to return the invitation, so under normal circumstances, he would have been almost “obliged” to invite you. But in this case, if his birthday was after your confession, I can understand why he didn’t invite you…

Writing and reading the past couple of posts about my sister makes me realise that my very strong reaction in regards to not being invited to the guys birthday party isn’t so weird at all. I’ve felt very ashamed of reacting that strongly emotionally to not being invited cuz I didn’t feel I had a right to do so. … But I can now show myself more self compassion of my reactions because now I think that it totally makes sense since they were my primary group and I felt excluded.

Right, for you it felt like a similar rejection and betrayal. You weren’t even so hurt that he rejected you as a girlfriend, but it was more that you felt excluded from the friends circle, right? When he invited them and excluded you, it reminded you of being excluded and betrayed by your sister and your former friend. Which left you feeling alone and unwanted, and believing that you’re a bad person. Am I interpreting this right?

Luckily, you’ve later realized that X and Y actually do like you, that they don’t talk behind your back like your sister did, and don’t play games. They’ve proven themselves to be solid friends, whom you can trust. They are safe people – they won’t hurt you on purpose. And I am glad that you’ve formed a friends circle with them, independent of the guy you like, so you can enjoy their company without worrying about what he will do and how he’ll treat you.

I will definitly spend a minimum time with my sister, it’s better for my health. Luckly with my nephew there’s something to talk about to keep focus away from me and my life which is probably better.

Yes, good that you’re trying to minimize the time spent with your sister. The less contact, the better. And yes, talking about your nephew seems like a neutral topic. Whatever you do, don’t confide in your sister, keep your problems (e.g. love troubles) private, because whatever weakness or vulnerability you share with her, she might use it against you later. So give her as little material as possible to harm you.

A huge thank you to you and Tee, I have made so much progress that I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for you guys. Words cannot explain how grateful I am, as I am continuing this journey of healing.

I am so happy for you, Katrine. You did make an amazing progress and you’re continuing to do so. Wishing you all the best in your journey ahead!

Dear SereneWolf,

Times like this I’d like to remember myself Buddha’s quote – Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true 🙂

You can also search Uncle Iroh philosophy. I think you’d like it

I’ve looked him up: it says he is a retired army general, and a wise mentor to his nephew. Also, that he loved playing with his son when he was little. So yes, a playful, kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure 🙂

My mom never gets angry at me. As for my father at that time I knew even little thing could make him angry. So I was like I’ll face him or just hear his few words…

Didn’t you say earlier that your father used to yell at you for 2-3 hours in a row, even for little things like not handing him the proper tool? So it wasn’t just a few words?

Thankfully I’m not into extreme sports and I’m not being reckless like my teenage years. But I love wandering in nature and hiking. And for hiking sometimes I do push my body limits quite a lot. But even that with being mindful like when I’m 99% sure that my body is able to take this.

Good to hear you’re not into reckless things! It’s okay to push yourself sometimes a little, as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

There’s just something different about pet love. I already feel like I love her more than any of my previous girlfriends

Well, it could be that you feel safer with a pet than with a girlfriend because the pet can’t judge you? I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

I’ll be taking this as experimentations and see how my emotions are reacting to all of this and then proceed if I like her “a lot.” Otherwise just move on.

You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

In relationships I think I learned how to not get attached quickly and move on before it’s too late.

Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

Dear anita,

thank you so much for your concern and your kind words. I do appreciate it. I am going to see a doctor next week and hopefully will get directions about treatment and prospects. I am hoping it will get better…

Dear SereneWolf,

How are you?

I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

Slowly but surely becoming more compassionate with yourself, by “treating myself like I’m my own best friend, Being Mindful, And I’m not in need of validation from others“. I mean, if you treat yourself like you’re your own best friend, that’s pretty self-compassionate.

However, as you say, there is another part of you, who is impatient, pushing yourself to do more and better every single day. This part is also frustrated and judging you if you don’t perform, i.e. meet your own high and impossible standards (in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more). That’s the inner critic. Your inner critic seems like a drill sergeant, pushing you to do more and more, not allowing you to take any rest.

This inner critic/drill sergeant is never happy with your performance. Even though you’ve only started working 2-3 months ago, and are the youngest manager in your company, and have started working on your soft skills and even implemented some employees-friendly measures in your department – the drill sergeant is still not happy. He is pushing you to do more and faster!

He is one cruel guy, isn’t he? And I hope you can see that you can never please this guy. You’ll never be good enough for him.

What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly 🙂 ). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

I was around 8-9 years old that time.

Okay, I understand your parents’ concern – they didn’t know where you were the whole afternoon, and it was already evening when you came back! They were very scared. Women when they are afraid usually cry (like your mother did), and men usually get angry (like your father did). So your parents’ reaction was kind of normal…

But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset.

Alright, good that your parents accepted your freedom mindset. This freedom mindset, if I am interpreting correctly, also includes your desire for exploration and trying out new things, right? It’s a healthy attitude, and in some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

Yes, being grateful and happy for what you have is maybe the best antidote for the overly expansive and acquisition-oriented mindset.

One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this

That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.

Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl? You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

Also, how you can make text color blue here?

You mark the text you want to quote, and you press the quote button (third from the left) in the task bar.

Dear Hello,

so good to hear that everything is coming along nicely, and that he moved away as planned! And that you’re moving away tomorrow. I can imagine it’s kind of sad, because it’s the end of an era, and perhaps the loss of a dream you once had about him, about the two of you together… But unfortunately, happiness wasn’t possible with him, it was toxic, so you had to leave…

You can be proud of yourself that you only spent 4 years with him, instead of losing an entire lifetime. You’ve learned your lessons, grew so much in the process, and as you say, you will heal. It’s an end, but also a new beginning.

However, as time went by, his abuse def starting to creep in to them too and more so recently. Not in direct ways, but in ways that were confusing to them and manipulative. That’s when I was truly motivated to end it. Motherly instinct kicked in for sure.

Good that you’ve noticed it and decided not to expose your daughters to his abuse. You are a good and caring mother, Hello!

Good luck tomorrow with moving – and let us know how it went!

Dear Lost1Flow,

I think perhaps deep down I’ve realized some of these things as well, but denied/refused to accept the truths because they are so hard to accept.

I am glad you’re now allowing yourself to accept some of those hard truths, even though they hurt…

So many therapist also say, ‘we cannot blame our parents for everything

We don’t need to blame them (as in forever, eternally resenting them and never forgiving them). However, we need to know how they failed to meet our needs. As Barbara Heffernan, a psychologist that I follow on youtube, said: “Healing is a fact-finding, not a fault-finding mission.” You need to know the facts, so you can act accordingly.

She was never in a happy marriage with my father. It wasn’t an actual arranged marriage, but pretty close. So yes, I was her everything emotionally and friendship-wise in place of him. She made excuse after excuse why she couldn’t leave him, but never actually did. So yes, there was definitely a lot of neediness even prior to my brother’s death (he was 15, I was 13).

Right… it’s pretty clear that she used you to meet her own emotional needs, instead of vice versa – to be there for you and meet your emotional needs. Role reversal happened, and you became like a parent to her – you were “parentified”.

There is a good youtube video on parentification, titled “Copying with being a parentified child“, by Kati Morton. She also talks about strategies how to heal. One is to grieve the childhood you’ve never had, another one is to allow yourself to be child-like and do things that make you happy, spontaneous and care-free.

But I think the most important would be to slowly get disentangled from your mother’s grip. You said:

My life is just such a sad existence of going to work, dealing with them, and being too exhausted for much else.

You’d need to change that, and introduce a time in a day for self-care: where you do things only for yourself, meet your own needs, do something you like and enjoy. Try to claim some time and space for yourself, don’t stay 100% dedicated to your mother. And don’t feel guilty about it, because you deserve it. It is your right.

So mu advice is to change your daily routine, even if ever so slightly, to include more of your needs and preferences, and less of your mother’s. She will probably object, but stay firm and don’t allow her to guilt-trip you. Remember: you deserve it and it is your right!