Dear SereneWolf,

Bună Tee

Is that Romanian? Had to look it up but am still not sure…

You always give great examples. Thanks!

You’re welcome!

It was actually just recently few months ago. I started the swimming classis and after that I told them. So my parents wouldn’t argue with me.

Oh I see, it was recent. What would they argue with you? That you shouldn’t take swimming classes because it’s dangerous?

Heck they’re even worried that I’m letting a stray cat inside my place. They be like she might have diseases and blah blah blah.. I’m like I’ll go to the vet and give her vaccination. So, you don’t have to worry about that. Literally no one in my family grown up with a pet. So I did see that coming.

Yeah, it does seem they are a little overprotective. I wonder how they’ve survived you leaving home at the age of 16 and living alone, if they are so worried about you even to this day? How did they even allow it?

But it’s right I did act like an overprotective, critical father! Not all the time but still…

Yeah, and there might be a similarity with how your parents acted with you (and are still acting with you). Overprotective, trying to control you (although not succeeding), and doing it “for your own good”…

Or is it just like my parent thinks they still have to care about me like even though I’m not a kid anymore…

Yes, it does seem like that… that you tend to behave in romantic relationships a little bit like your parents behave with you…

Striving towards Perfection (specially with Humans) isn’t a wise thing to do I guess… and I tried to make them “perfect” the way I wanted even though at that time I just saw it as a care and concerned about their health.

Yeah, it’s pretty destructive for the relationship if you see the person as “lacking” and try to make them “perfect”. The person feels not good enough, whereas you put yourself in a superior position, and basically judge and criticize them for “underperforming”. Of course, you can say it’s all with a good intention, “for their own good”, but it’s not a healthy, equal relationship.

In a healthy relationship, we accept the person as they are – we don’t try to change them and mold them into something that we would like them to be. It doesn’t mean we need to tolerate and accept some of their bad habits, however fundamentally we don’t try to change the person to be something they are not. It’s like we look at them with love and acceptance, not with a measuring stick that says “not good enough”.

But it’s right I did act like an overprotective, critical father! Not all the time but still…  And after that I get exhausted and give up on the relationship.

Yeah, no wonder, because it’s like you’re in a war with the person, trying to make her do what you think is right for her, and she wouldn’t… And maybe you think she doesn’t love you if she resists, if she has different priorities and preferences than you? And so you conclude it’s not worth the trouble because things can’t be the way you want them to be?

External environment could be the big reason as well not just my friends but like everywhere I see it just that all be like it’s lot of mind games and complex – not like clear communication as it should be. So yeah it’s like a confirmation bias

Yes, it seems some of your friends tell you you need to “play the game”, which makes it look like some kind of competition, like who is going to outsmart whom… Whereas a healthy relationship is not a competition, but a loving and supportive co-existence (or something like that, I can’t think of a better definition now 🙂 ).

The way I perceive my past relationships. Like Did I even had a healthy relationship before that I’m longing for it again?

So because of these reasons, I just feel more hopeless and I just feel not excited for dating. Not more than Maybe just some time spending and physical pleasure.

I imagine you haven’t had a healthy relationship so far, because of those emotional wounds and programming that stem from your childhood. So no wonder you fear more of the same… But what you’ve experienced so far isn’t what a true relationship looks like. Trust that you too can have a healthy relationship, but you’d need to heal some of your patterns before that’s possible.

And yeah what about you? Did you celebrate valentine week?

Well, not particularly, I did get flowers from my husband. But we’ve never really paid attention to that date, so I don’t consider it important. But we do have a very good and strong relationship, and that’s what matters most 🙂

Dear norit,

I am very sorry about your father passing and you finding yourself in a very difficult situation.

It doesn’t always feel safe to leave her at home as she will fall over, or injure herself and not realise, or leave the oven on, among other things.

If your mother is dangerous to herself, is there a possibility to place her in an elderly home? Because it is a lot to ask from yourself and your brother to sacrifice your lives for your mother – when she doesn’t want to do anything to help herself, and is in fact denying that she has a problem.

I know it’s hard to do that with a loved one, because we naturally care and feel guilty for not helping them. But in this case, you’re not really helping her – because what she would really need is help with becoming sober. But she doesn’t want that, she wants to keep destroying her life.

What you’ve been doing so far is trying to soften the blows and minimize the consequences that she is inflicting upon herself. But unfortunately, you’re ruining yourself in the process too, and the result is a lose-lose situation for everyone involved, specially for you and your brother.

That’s why I don’t think it’s sustainable to keep caring about her, in a way that she dictates the rules and you’re just trying to do damage control. It’s exhausting.

Please do to seek help, perhaps first in a support group for families of addicts, like Brandy suggested. They may give you useful information about how to cope better and find a more sustainable solution for you and your brother.

Wishing you strength!

Dear frozenfireflies,

when we have conflict it’s typically a situation where my husband complains or has a criticism directed at me – which is not unreasonable in itself – but it’s the way he expresses himself that makes me feel hurt and unsafe emotionally. It’s also very often something ABOUT me or how I express myself, like that I’m too stressed or heightened and triggering him, even though my stress has nothing to do with him – sometimes I just have intense emotions about something we discuss.

About half of all our days my husband gets unhappy or irritated about something with me.

It seems to me that your husband is very critical of you, and often blames you for no good reason, i.e. that he has a tendency to relieve his stress on you. It seems you’re his scapegoat and he feels entitled to get upset with you and scorn you whenever he pleases. His criticism doesn’t seem like constructive criticism, but just his bitterness about life that he dumps on you.

I think you shouldn’t allow such treatment any more. But it could be that you do allow it because you feel you do partially deserve it (my husband complains or has a criticism directed at me – which is not unreasonable in itself)?

Even if his criticism is sometimes “reasonable”, there is a loving and respectful way to express what bothers him, which isn’t based upon sarcasm and hostility.

I think that probably you need to be more assertive and tell him that you won’t allow to be treated like that because it hurts you. And that when he starts treating you like that (yelling at you, dumping his anger and frustration at you, putting you down), that you will leave the room, or something like that. You shouldn’t be taking his verbal abuse and hostility any more. I think you should protect yourself from it.

Dear Katrine,

Only now that someone spoke up, she is also being harassed by my manager.

Oh wow – the person who reported the head chef is now being harassed by your manager? Do you mean the top manager, who is friends with the head chef? Or your immediate manager (who was punched in the face recently)?

I can still get mad at him for the way he’s acting.

Yeah I can imagine, because it is annoying… However, I am thinking that it might be easier for you if you actually accept that he is like that – awkward and unable/unwilling to talk to you (actually I am not sure how to characterize him, so this is best I’ve got). But anyway, I think it might help to accept that he is like that and to stop expecting a different behavior from him.

I don’t necessarily want to compare him to your sister, but with her, the best “cure” is to stop expecting a different (kinder, less selfish) behavior from her. If you know what you’re dealing with, it’s easier to prepare and get through it. So I am thinking that perhaps if you stop expecting him to be different, it might actually help?

We are gonna plan to go out and do something when our schedule allow it and I’m really looking forward to it.

I am so glad!

I will continue to look for a therapist and I will finish reading the book Pete Walkers book about Complex PTSD.

Great! Pete Walker’s book is on my list too…

Dear Helcat,

thank you for clarifying, I understand it now… I am sorry you had to go through that. You did go through a lot of trauma growing up. I am glad that eventually, social services did get involved.

I also understand why it was triggering for you that anita was so shocked when she heard about your trauma, when it wasn’t even the entire abuse that you went through. It is upsetting… But I hope that you’re feeling less upset about it now?

Ola SereneWolf,

no problemo 🙂

Yup. His family is trying to change his habits. Already making him “ready” for “elite” school. Typical.

How old is he?

It did make me angry when I found out and even though I shouldn’t be in between but at right time I will talk to his mother. Because it’s like I’m seeing my past in this! and I don’t want him to go through what I’ve been through.

I understand you, seeing yourself in him… be polite though and very diplomatic when speaking to his mother. Parents don’t like to be given advice, unless they ask for it…

Yes exactly! Because I think it feels like lot of sacrifice. it does include my partner’s frustration. But not always, There are times when I can be extremely stubborn about things and not give up until they agree. But another thing I felt that when people around me are sad I feel extreme need to help them in whatever way I can. It’s like people who are near me should be happy around me even though it’s not in my control yet I’m still trying to control that. And until I’m able to help them properly I feel anxious and restless. It’s like I feel very responsible even though I’m not.

Yes, that’s typical for codependent relationships. Say if the parent is a worrying type, we try to make them not worry. If they are depressed, we try to cheer them up… because when the parent is unhappy, the child is naturally unhappy too. So we do everything in our power to make them happy. It’s almost like a survival need, because having a happy, care-free parent is in the child’s best interest. So we’re trying to regulate the parent’s moods, so they could better take care of us.

Do you think this was the case with you and your mother? That you felt you needed to make her happy, i.e. regulate her moods? And you felt guilty if she was not happy?

I do remember you mentioned you don’t like to make your mother worry, so you often don’t tell her if something’s bothering you. You pretend that everything is fine, and put on that big smile of yours. This could be exactly because of this emotional enmeshment: you can only be happy if she’s happy. And if she’s worrying about you, you can’t be happy?

You said that your two previous girlfriends didn’t really put any constraints on your freedom (I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.). But your guilt of displeasing them is very likely the same guilt you felt about displeasing your mother… it’s the guilt felt by your inner child.

But you’re right I need to work on this constant feeling of guilt…

Yes, and I believe it has to include separating yourself emotionally from your mother (i.e. your partner). And allowing her to be frustrated (for whatever reason – be it because of you or unrelated to you), and yet feel good about yourself. Don’t make your mood and the feeling of happiness depend so much on hers.

Because it seems that your tendency is to get emotionally enmeshed when you’re in a relationship. That’s frustrating and exhausting (and you feel guilty all the time), so you think the only way to prevent it is not to be in a relationship at all. But it’s a false cure…

Dear Helcat,

you’re welcome!

This quote from Anita on the School Bullying thread is her reference to our argument. This was the reason I spoke to her on that thread.

Oh I see…. I haven’t noticed it before, because I haven’t checked that particular post, but only the later one (from May 16). But yeah, that’s a clear reference to you, though she didn’t mention any names.

So it seems you were triggered by anita’s referring to you (indirectly) and describing you in a negative light, while not wanting to communicate with you directly and discuss the issues. You mentioned several times that anita was ignoring you, and I guess this too felt like she was ignoring you?

When reading through your correspondence from May last year, I’ve noticed something important that you shared about yourself:

It should be noted that being ignored is a trigger for me. My family do it when they are displeased with me. I don’t mind people expressing to me when they are feeling angry or upset and do my best to resolve disagreements when they occur.

Could it be that when anita stopped communicating with you (which was her way of reducing stress), it opened a wound in you – the wound of being ignored? Perhaps that’s why you had the need to approach her again and again, even if she expressed that she doesn’t want to communicate with you?

You said you much rather stay in touch and talk things through, even if you’re upset with the person: Do we get more upset than people who don’t have PTSD, sure. I don’t really see it as a problem though. It is a part of life. Usually, people communicate when they’re upset, there’s an apology and things move on.

For anita, she preferred peace and very much disliked conflict. She mentioned it many times in her posts. So I guess, being in conflict caused her too much anxiety and she needed to withdraw, i.e. stop communicating with you. It was her way of reducing anxiety. But for you, it triggered a wound, because she cut you off.

So perhaps this created an unhealthy dynamic: you seeking contact and closure/clarification, while she seeing those attempts as you persecuting and stalking her? You trying to talk about problems and clear the air, and she wanting to run away and be left alone.

What do you think? Do you think there might be something to it?

Dear Katrine,

I am glad your manager is fine, but this hostel doesn’t seem like a safe place during the night. It’s good you don’t have to work the night shift… I am also glad they won’t host private events any more, where most of the trouble happens.

he’s nearly walked out a couple of times because he won’t risk his mental health over it witch I completely understand. I hope that it will have consecvenses for the him, he’s always been like this and will never change (he has his own issues and mental health problemes)

So this has happened before? There’s some guy with mental health problems who has been harassing the kitchen stuff, and was even biting them, and he’s still working there?? Why is he allowed to stay?

Yes. I still get a bit nervous around him, especially that day cuz he wasn’t on the work schedule so didn’t expect him to be there. But I’m glad that I managed to not give in to my anxiety and just stare at my phone.

Good for you! No wonder you get nervous (I guess you still like him?), but at least you don’t run away, you don’t act weird but you try to engage. That’s good progress!

I was just really surprised because I had no idea that he likes me that way. He said that he respects our friendship and understand if I don’t want to take it further but if I want to date him now or in the future to let him know.

He (the chef) seems like a decent guy. He had a thing for you, but he knew you had a crush on someone else, so he didn’t say anything. When the “cute guy” started dating your new colleague, is that when he (the chef) admitted his feelings for you?

I have been aprehensive about it because we are friends and if it doesn’t work out you could potentialy loose a friend. At least with the cute guy there was a distance. But the thought of dating him has crossed my mind so we will see.

Well, it’s a bit of a weird situation because the cute guy is single again, so perhaps you’re still having some hope that you might end up together?

A couple of months after I moved abroad again and as much as I would love to start therapy it’s expensive and hard to find a good match

Yeah that’s true… but my suggestion is that if you decide to go to therapy, perhaps first ask a few people you trust (such as your best friend) if they know someone good. If they don’t know anybody, you can check the internet and look for therapists who know to work with childhood trauma (if they mention the inner child – the better). You can check the person’s credentials and see if you like their vibe. Maybe they have a video or two, so you can see if you like them.