Dear Addy,

thank you for you empathy, I appreciate it.

Maybe yeah I guess… and also I felt like she’s just doing too much for me, So I didn’t felt it right and I felt pressured and after that I started to question myself if I really love her.. So that’s why

So yeah with my 1st girlfriend I wasn’t very vulnerable

Right… so it seems to me that she felt inferior in your relationship, specially since you’ve never or rarely shared about your own weaknesses and vulnerability. So you were the “perfect guy”, and she probably felt inadequate. She was trying to impress you, was doing things that you liked and was probably afraid to tell you that she doesn’t really enjoy those activities that much.

You say you also felt pressured because she did too much for you. So you had an impression that she is trying too much, trying to be someone else, not being authentic. I guess her reason was that she was afraid of rejection, so she tried to mold herself into something she isn’t, so you wouldn’t reject her.

But you’ve noticed that she’s not really enjoying the activities that you enjoy, but is only pretending. You’ve noticed that she’s not honest with you, that she’s faking it, and not being authentic. And you didn’t like that about her. So you stopped being attracted to her, and eventually left her. Does this roughly describe what happened?

with later two girlfriends yes.. but like after spending few months…

So you were more vulnerable with your later two girlfriends. You did share some of your “imperfections” and self-doubts. And how did they respond to that?

You said that you start feeling trapped very soon after the initial elation about the girl. So when you shared those weaknesses or yours, being authentic, several months into the relationship – at that point did you already start feeling trapped in the relationship?

Dear Lukas,

you’re very welcome, and thank you for your blessings. You are very kind!

I am already working on a business plan for exactly that, with the foundation being capitalistic – in a sense that its the base for the company to be healthy, to not write red numbers, but do not have it as an ultimate goal, which I currently feel like is the case with the company I am owning a big share of. I already communicated my intentions to sell everything off and start anew.

Good to hear that you’re already working on a new business model. So your plan is to sell your share in the company you’re owning together with your brother, and start alone?

About your brother, you wrote that you’ve changed your attitude towards him:

At the same time I tried to look deeply into my brothers existence and understand his suffering to gain compassion and understanding, both of these things helped me tremendously already. As a third practice I now ALWAYS hug my brother when I see him and listen to him thoroughly when we talk, to give as much attention as possible in order to not just practice on my cushion, but to also live what I try to practice.

That’s so sweet! To try to understand your brother and really listen to him, and have compassion for him. Do you still feel jealous at him sometimes? I am not asking this to judge you, just to check how things are now…

There is a book in german roughly translated to “Lead, shape, move: Values and wisdom for a globalised world” by the dalai lama on ethical business and it inspired me a lot, maybe you can find it as an English translation

I’ve looked it up and found an interview with Dalai Lama about ethical business. And the interview is on another really cool website, called bthechange dot com, if you want to check that one out as well.

Thank you so much for your kind words once again!

Dear Lukas,

I didn’t know that you too were successful financially because of this that you said earlier:

My Partner is way better off in the Deal financially, which is fine, He is the Real founder of the Company, He put in a lot of money, but it makes me angry and it makes me feel underappriciated, so i guess the Anger is fueld by my jealousy. Im jealous of him being better of and thus i can never “overtake” him in this regard and will always stay behind and He will be better of always, this makes me jealous.

But it seems that both you and your brother are successful, running a multi-million dollar company, with the difference that he is somewhat more successful, and a part of you is jealous of that.

Another part of you is blaming and judging your greed, because you say money doesn’t make you happy (“it doesn’t make me happy, there is no value in this“). This part doesn’t value outer accomplishments and wants to be humble and selfless:

I don’t really strive for outer accomplishments, most people call me very humble and this sometimes even confuses me more, that there indeed is greed in me

So I believe there is an inner conflict in you: on one hand you want achievement and success, on the other you’re judging yourself for it. And probably the judging part comes from your “Buddhist-like” parents, who were humble but were perhaps subtly judgmental towards “materialistic” people?

I feel like I have been making a lot of progress in letting go and at the same time accepting what is there, anger, greed, and ill will and I feel like its ok, its fine to be there

This is great development that you’re not judging your anger, greed and other “lesser” feelings any more, but simply observe them and let them be.

but at the same time I help it being transformed, or I try to

In order for those feelings to be really transformed, I think you’d need to address the possible underlying issues, such as the inner conflict I’ve mentioned. I think that striving for material success isn’t a bad thing in itself, but if you only strive for that, that’s when it becomes a problem.

There are many humble and selfless people who are also materially successful. Being humble and being rich doesn’t necessarily exclude each other. It seems to me that you might have adopted the belief that humble and rich doesn’t go together, which could be the cause of your inner conflict?

Dear Hello,

you are very welcome! I am so glad that our words helped you and strengthened your resolve to do the right thing: leave your controlling and manipulative husband. I wish you success in finding a new place for yourself and in the divorce process itself.

And I wish you too many blessings and Godspeed in your journey ahead!

Dear Katrine,

I am sorry about the latest bar incident. It seems to me that you first felt triggered by your guy’s request to move so they can see the screen. You took at is your fault, you felt embarrassed that you were in the way:

the cute guy came up and had a proposal, that we could join him at his table (he sat with a female guest) so that everybody could see. I felt ashamed that I was in the way that much even though it was a really big screen. The guys went what if we just move out of the way to the side, he then said or you can join at the table

Even though the reality is that all three of you were in the way, not just you. And besides, it’s not something you should blame yourself for. It’s not a reason to be ashamed. You did nothing wrong, and you’re not a bad person for accidentally being in the way. But I understand why you reacted like that… I’ll come back to it in a second.

So I think that was the first trigger: when your guy asked you to move. You felt ashamed and embarrassed, and perhaps rejected too. And it activated your fight-or-flight response. You started getting anxious… And it only got worse when you later saw your guy sitting near some girl (a hostel guest) on a couch. Your anxiety skyrocketed and you left.

The reality of the situation is that there was no rejection whatsoever, because your guy actually offered you to join him at the table. But the three of you refused and rather moved to the side.

But as I said, I understand why you were triggered, and why you felt ashamed and embarrassed when he asked you to move a little. I think it has a lot to do with you being blamed for everything by your sister. In September 2020 you shared about your sister having a tantrum when you politely asked her not to have company in the house for too long:

She started yelling and screaming in my face, pulling her hair and rolling around on the floor. Then proceaded to verbally turn her anger out on my parents. All of this becuase I politly told her that the people she invited to my parents house shouldn’t stay too long, and that we should just have the cake somewhere else.

She didn’t respect your needs, she instead accused you of being the bad guy. And your mother, instead of calming her down and assuring you that you’re not a bad guy, had a mental breakdown, was crying all day and gave you the silent treatment  (This was the last straw for my mom. She’s crying all day and refusing to talk) You probably felt like it’s all your fault, because now not only your sister is upset but also your mother, whom you didn’t want to upset.

I am guessing there have been many incidents like that, where you felt it’s your fault for wanting anything for yourself. You were told by your sister that you’re selfish if you wanted anything for yourself. And it got indirectly confirmed by your mother too, who didn’t tell you that you were selfish, but was suffering due to the conflict in the house. So you’ve concluded: “It’s my fault, I am selfish, I am to be blamed.”

Your sister seems to be still accusing you for the things that are not your fault, and it still affects you a lot:

My sister has been on the warpath with me, I couldn’t make it home for my nephew’s christening and she is trying to turn it into a personal thing of me doing it to hurt her deliberately (that one send me into a panic attack at work, cried in the bathroom)

So your sister’s guilt-tripping you is another major trigger for you. She has been doing that for most of her life, I guess, and she was allowed to do it by your parents. And the result is that you indeed feel guilty and a selfish person. That’s another false belief that you need to get rid of: that you’re a selfish person. That you are selfish for having needs and preferences of your own, which might clash with those of your sister’s.

You’re not selfish for having your own needs and preferences, and you have the right to live a life that makes you happy. You’re not a bad person for wanting that.

So try to familiarize yourself with this thought – that you’re not selfish for having your own needs and preferences. That you’re not a bad person for that.

I am glad you still had positive experiences recently – wearing a new feminine outfit, in which you felt comfortable and for which you got compliments from both guys and girls. And also, that you’re going for coffee with a new co-worker, strengthening your “socializing muscle” 🙂

Dear Hello,

you are very welcome! I am glad you’ve decided to ask for a divorce because unfortunately, based on everything you’ve said, your husband seems to only want to control you, put you down and punish you for your past mistakes. According to him, you should always feel bad about yourself, completely disregarding that it was before the two of you met, and that you’ve changed since, and never ever cheated on him throughout the course of your marriage.

He feels betrayed, although you’ve never betrayed him. You only haven’t disclosed certain information which you weren’t too proud of, but which were not relevant for your marriage, because you had realized by then that you made a mistake and would never do such a thing again.

So you weren’t obliged to tell him, because you left your past behind. However, as anita noticed, he hasn’t done the same: he is still in touch with the woman he cheated his first wife with, and has a tinder app which he refuses to delete. So while he is judging you for your “unforgivable transgressions” in the past, he is in fact disrespecting you and possibly even cheating on you right now, as we speak. That’s what a hypocrite would do.

Now I understand why you didn’t have the strength till now to put those ultimatums into practice, i.e. to leave when he refused to delete the app. It’s because he was guilt-tripping you for your past mistakes, making you feel like a bad person, and you partially believed him (he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.)

Probably that’s the reason you’ve missed the red flags or looked away: because he was putting you down all the time and perhaps you (or a part of you) felt like you don’t deserve better. So you endured his abuse… sometimes protesting (giving him “ultimatums”), but eventually doing nothing to change the situation, accepting more of his abuse and disrespect.

Well, I am so glad that this has changed now, that you’ve grown so much personally and spiritually that you don’t want to tolerate his abuse any longer.

I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace.

I can imagine you’re excited, because you finally see things clearly, and you also know you did everything in your power to make your marriage better, but he was unwilling. He really just wanted to manipulate you and punish you, feeling like a piece of trash… so that he could control you. It was a power game. I am so glad you’re getting out of it!

As anita said, equip yourself with a good legal counsel because narcissists can be nasty when they are broken up with. He might seek revenge in some way, so please be prepared for some more nastiness on his part. But you’ve grown so much, you’re much stronger now, so he shouldn’t be able to intimidate you. Know that you’re right and that truth is on your side!!

Dear Addy,

you’re very welcome.

That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess… So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that.

Yes, and this shield is rather common, it belongs to the part of ourselves which is called the Protector. According to the Internal Family Systems, we have various parts of our personality. One of them is our wounded inner child, which is very fragile and needy. And then there’s Protector part, who is guarding the wounded inner child.

It seems that your Protector part says “you can’t hurt me”. Probably that’s the decision you made (unconsciously) as a result of ongoing verbal abuse by your father, in your childhood. You didn’t want to admit to neither of your parents that you’re hurt.

I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)

And to your mother, maybe you didn’t want to admit that you were hurt because she kind of expected you to be strong and take your father’s abuse silently (“She didn’t wanted this matter to grow and fight more so she just told me be silent and she’ll talk with my father and try to make him understand.”) She promised you she’d talk to your father, but even if she did, it didn’t help much, has it, since your father continued to yell at you?

So in effect, your mother didn’t protect you from your father, even though she promised she would. But you probably felt obliged not to show your distress and hurt – to stay strong and silent – because she asked you to, maybe even pleaded with you? And you love your mother a lot, and don’t want to see her distressed, so you obeyed.

Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

In fact, this attitude of yours:

I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

…. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?

It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 🙂