Dear SereneWolf,

Yes I totally agree I like the style, he always try to explain things with simple examples without making it too complex. So for a creating boundaries video he gave an example like suppose boundary is like.. it’s your own property so try to have a good neighbourhood first (Being around with good supportive and loving people) which also connects the dot for critical voice video

Yes, definitely. It’s important whom we surround ourselves with. But also, if sometimes we can’t avoid dealing with nasty or demanding people – to have boundaries to protect ourselves from them.

Neighbours can’t tell what colour my house should be

Yes! No one should be able to control how you live your life…

and the really good thing I’m noticing these days because I’m mindful about empathy is that they’re more open with me as well so I do feel better connected with them. So I’m really grateful having good friends.

Nice! Are some of those female friends also your work colleagues?

Okay so for this I do struggle with that. Most of the time I say Yes and then get anxious as well. And I do feel like I shouldn’t disappoint my bosses or my team members but it’s like a dilemma If I’m saying Lot of YES means in some way I’m disappoint my team members because of more work and also the pressure (Which I feel too) and If I say NO even though sometimes it’s okay I overthink about it like I shouldn’t have said No to Him/her. Because it’s my work and I shouldn’t say No.

And  sometimes I don’t even listen the whole thing and be like “Don’t worry, consider it done.”

Alright, so it seems you’re really anxious about saying No to your bosses. Sometimes you don’t even listen till the end about what the task is – you accept it without consideration. Even if it may not be feasible and your team won’t be able to deliver it, or it will require an unacceptable amount of work and stress on their part to complete the task.

What are you afraid would happen if you say No? (not rudely of course, but politely – if you explained why your teams needs more time, or why is something not such a good idea). Are you afraid you would get fired? Or that the boss would lose his respect for you (because you would seem weak and incompetent)? Or something else?

And now the thing is that there are new team members comes in my team too they would know only how to water the plant but when they understand and be adaptive and understand so even just little things that they understands they deserve appreciation.

Okay, I think I understand: so the praise would be mostly for the newcomers who learn fast and show a proactive attitude, and do more than is expected of them, right? It’s a good idea to give them praise and appreciation, however I don’t think that other team members should be obliged to do the praising, but only you, as the team leader. (You said “if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note“.)

Because I think it’s a bit like parenting – you don’t force other siblings to praise their younger brother or sister. It’s the responsibility of the parents. Because if you force other siblings to do it, they might start feeling jealous and resentful towards their younger sibling. So it might backfire and not be good for the team spirit. But if you, as the team leader, praise the newcomer, and also praise everyone who is doing their best – I think that’s useful and productive.

At least that’s how I see it… tell me if you see it differently?

Well I that’s really awesome that you have this much of self-awareness. I’m also working on my compassion part.

Many many years of working on myself did make me pretty self-aware, yes… but it was a long process, definitely not something that happened over night.

I am glad you’re working on your empathy and becoming more self-aware as well…

And thank you for offering help with my anxiety. It’s manageable, so I am fine at the moment, but I appreciate your offer!

Dear SereneWolf,

well it was cold and rainy for the weekend, but now it’s cold and sunny, which is a much better option 🙂

That could be right just yesterday I watched video on LinkedIn by Simon Senek how vulnerability could the greatest power in leadership position

I like Simon Sinek, yes he talks a lot about true leadership and I think that according to him, good leadership has some components of good parenting. I remember he said “good leaders eat last”, as in taking care of your team’s needs first. In fact, I see that there’s a book of his with that title (“Leaders eat last”), but haven’t read it. In any case, Simon Sinek is definitely the person to learn from about good leadership, which includes vulnerability too.

it’s also right that creating an emotionally safe environment for your team it ain’t no easy work. But somehow, I’ll learn

No, it’s not an easy work, but it starts with you, as their leader. First you’d need to embrace vulnerability as something positive, as a virtue, not a weakness. And then you can encourage others too…

I watched the video “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“.

Glad you watched the video! And that you’re planning to watch his video on setting boundaries too. I really like his style, he explains things so well. In fact he is an executive coach too, and I guess he too teaches vulnerability (and boundaries) to leaders as well. I am really glad to have people like him and Simon Sinek influence the business community…

Things I noticed like you said before I do have to surround myself with positive people. And I see that I do interact with positive people. Some of my friends gives me good vibes and even at work It’s going good.

from my experience most of the female friends (not gfs) that I have they’re more open and vulnerable they trust in me, empathy, communication their way to express their selves can’t be even compared with my guy friends.

Good to hear that! It’s also good that you have female friends who are open and honest with you, show empathy and don’t pretend when they communicate with you. And if they are also positive, having in general an optimistic outlook on life and are supportive when you need it – then it’s a great treasure. Those are really good, valuable friends!

As for the guys, maybe some of them are positive because they believe they have to be positive, that it’s expected of them:

The thing is that my group is always like take everything down with smile, don’t say No (Which is like my biggest problem) because we feel like we should be capable of anything, and we shouldn’t disappoint people by Saying NO.

Do you, as a team leader, never say NO to your supervisors, even though you sometimes have concerns about the feasibility of the task? Do you feel you shouldn’t disappoint your bosses, and so you accept everything, and then you and your team suffer as the result? I’m asking because I’d like to understand the dynamics…

But the thing is that people everywhere taking criticism very seriously and praise very lightly that’s what I noticed and same thing is happening with me. So I’ve decided to start new thing for my team if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note (Even if just a small sticky note) to make that person feel like that did something good and it would cheer them.

I am not sure if I understood it well: so you’re planning to introduce a system of appreciative notes – for those who are performing well, or exceeding the average performance (if someone is doing better)? Or is it for those who were criticized and have improved their performance since?

And building neuroplasticity with practice – What’s your experience with that so far?

Well, I can tell you that my inner critical voice is very silent, almost inaudible nowadays 🙂 It doesn’t mean I am not aware of my weaknesses, it’s just that I have much more compassion and understanding for myself than before. I don’t know if this would be visible in how those neurons in the brain are firing, but that’s what happened 🙂 I do still have anxiety in certain situations, my amygdala getting triggered, but it’s not related to my self-esteem. So I definitely am different than I was years ago…

Dear Katrine,

I’ve noticed a typo in one sentence. It should be like this:

Please tell me if it wasn’t like that for you…

Dear thosedays,

There is quite abundant info about Adult ADHD out there, you can check out how people suffer from Adult ADHD suffers in relationship.

I’ve read what anita quoted about ADHD and relationships, and I have to admit, one thing puzzles me: You said earlier that your relationship works fine and is peaceful (we matched almost every aspect of life. The relationship works fine, I loved the peacefulness).

Peacefulness, at least to me, seems in contradiction with some of the relationship features described above, such as tension and partner’s frustration because the person suffering from ADHD is not paying attention to them, or is late, or forgets about mutual plans etc.

If your relationship is mostly peaceful, how do you achieve it? Is there very little interaction between you and your girlfriend, perhaps each of you living in your own bubble, and that’s why there is no tension between you either?

Dear Katrine,

how have you been? It’s been a while since you wrote, so I thought to check on you…

Dear SereneWolf,

And yes, people around me does makes me feel like psychotherapy isn’t normal so I’m hesitant for that. I apologize if it showed up in different mannered way

I think I understand why you decided to start a new thread, under a new name – maybe in part because you wanted other opinions about how to help yourself without therapy? The truth is that you can do a lot for yourself without therapy, including work on diminishing your inner critical voice too. But having a supportive, positive voice (or voices) in your surroundings is also very important, because you can’t do it on your own entirely – you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

I’m again going to suggest a video by Dr. Henry Clod (he has a video on almost any topic! 🙂 ). It’s titled “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“. He talks about self-help but also other people’s help – be it in form of therapy or coaching or a support group, or even just friends who will support you and encourage you rather than judge you and criticize you.

For example, you say that you are surrounded by people who judge those who go to psychotherapy:

I’m surrounded with people who thinks only crazy and mentally unstable people needs psychotherapy.

Are those judgmental people only your parents, or also your girlfriend, friends and colleagues? Is there anybody in your life who would actually be supportive of you working on yourself, so you can be happier and more satisfied than you are now? If not, I suggest you surround yourself with positive people, who have your true best interest in mind, not by those who think they know what’s best for you.

Dear SereneWolf/Addy/Saiyan,

I am fine, thank you.

I saw you started a new thread, under a different user name, and presented an additional problem there: of suffering from an imposter syndrome. So even if you’re doing good and are successful, you still believe you’re not good enough and that you’re a fraud. That can easily be a consequence of heavy criticism, high expectations and not being allowed to make mistakes in your childhood (e.g being criticized and scolded for getting even a single bad grade).

It seems both of your parents had high expectations from you in terms of school success, and very low tolerance if you weren’t scoring all As. Not just your father was like that, as I thought, but your mother as well. You said on your new thread: Part of it was also from my mother. I was really scared of her like what she’d say? she’d be disappointed. And I was disappointed in myself too.

In that environment, surrounded by such high expectations and such low tolerance for making a mistake, you put yourself (and were put by your parents) under a lot of pressure to perform. And you also adopted the belief that you’re not good enough if you’re not scoring all As all the time. Only total perfection would have been good enough, if that.

Over time, you’ve developed the inner critic, telling you that you’re a failure and not good enough. And so now, even though you’re doing considerably well and have professional success, you still can’t believe that you’re actually good enough. You still believe you’re that sloppy, underperforming boy who failed to reach perfection and failed to please his parents. A part of you still sees you as a failure. And as such, every success must be accidental – it’s not really your merit. Because in your own eyes, you’re not good enough.

That’s I think at the core of your imposter syndrome. And the way to treat is the same as treating your low self-esteem, perfectionism and other issues we’ve talked about so far. Change that internal talk, don’t listen to the inner critic, tell yourself kind, loving things. Tell yourself it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell yourself you’re good enough and worthy, even if you’ve made some mistakes in the past, and will still be making more mistakes in the future. We’re human, it’s in our nature to make mistakes.

Your parents wanted you to be a superhuman, you were denied to make mistakes. Well, now give yourself that right and free yourself from the heavy burden of perfection. You’re a human, not a robot.

I would like to note that on the other thread you said you don’t know how to journal, while here you said you spent 2 hours journaling yesterday. On the other thread you’re questioning whether therapy would help you, while here you said you’d probably try therapy next month.

Please be honest, Addy/SereneWolf/Saiyan – mostly with yourself. If you don’t like the idea of therapy, because you believe you’d be judged, because you’re surrounded with people who believe that “only crazy and mentally unstable people need psychotherapy” – well, you can say this. I won’t judge you if you’re uncomfortable going to therapy. In fact, it’s good to know that you would probably feel judged by your parents and you don’t want that. So, fear of their judgment is present in you. Okay, notice it, admit it, write it down. There is more chance to resolve it if you first admit it to yourself.

I did start spending time with my neighbor’s little kid. and oh boy It’s really fun. and funny enough I do feel kinda caring father towards him. I’m teaching him how to ride a bicycle and it did give me water in the corner of my eyes time to time.
So does that counts?

Nice to hear that! If you approach him with lots of love and patience, not scolding him for not getting it right immediately, then yes, it can be a wonderful experience for you – to experience how it is to have a loving, patient, empathic father, rather than a strict, angry and judgmental one. So yes, I think it’s helping your inner child too!

I am glad you’ve watched both videos by Dr. Henry Cloud, and that you like the concept that anger is a signal, not a solution.

As for empathy, you said:

Important thing I realized that it makes them think you’re on their side and it builds trust and how much important communication style is… And also think how would I feel?

Well, in fact, empathy is when you don’t pretend that you understand the other person’s point of view, but that you truly try to understand it and put yourself in their shoes. The way you phrased it (it makes them think you’re on their side) can be interpreted as if you’re not really on their side, but only pretend to be, so you can build trust. Just wanted to clarify this – in case there was a misunderstanding.

Dear Dan,

I am very sorry. You were hoping all this time that she might decide to get back together some time in the future, but unfortunately it wasn’t what she was thinking. She was planning to file for divorce, as soon as the law permits it.

I think it wasn’t fair that she didn’t let you know that she took you off of her health insurance – that you had to find it out in the pharmacy. I think it was sneaky. And then she used the opportunity to inform you she would be filing for divorce.

It seems to me that she is using the same tactics now as she used during your marriage: hiding things from you, not wanting to talk to you honestly, planning for separation while keeping you in the dark…. And now, taking you off her health insurance without letting you know, and finally, planning to file for divorce without mentioning anything.

It’s the same dishonest and sneaky tactics, Dan. It’s not how one would treat a friend (she claimed you were her best friend). I don’t know her reasons – maybe she is just so afraid to be honest and speak her truth, that she’d rather keep silent about it, and then do something “unexpected”, even shocking (such as announce that she wants a separation). But it was shocking only for you – because she was hiding her true feelings and intentions from you. It came as a shock because she wasn’t honest with you.

And she kept doing it after your separation too. After that brief reunion, she again started hiding her true feelings and intentions, and she simply stopped communicating with you. Already in September she took you off her health insurance, but never told you. And even in the recent texts she exchanged with you, which you said were cold and impersonal, she still didn’t mention that piece of information. It’s like whatever is unpleasant and might hurt the other person – she does it in a sneaky way, behind your back. But that in fact hurts even more than if she were honest about it.

I am saying this so you can see the reality of the situation. That she wasn’t such a wonderful and loving wife as you perceived her to be. Because a kind and loving person wouldn’t behave like that. They wouldn’t hide their true intentions and then suddenly “boom, I want a separation!”

I am not saying she did this on purpose to hurt you, but nevertheless that’s what her behavior is: hurtful. It would be to anyone, not just to you.

I lost it. I started bawling. I guess I should have expected this.

I understand why it was a shock for you. Because she never told you that it’s over between the two of you, and that she is planning to file for divorce. After your separation she was telling you that maybe when the kids get older, you might get back together. Then she even initiated a reunion. All those were positive signs for you, which gave you hope. It’s true that in the recent months she stopped communicating with you, she didn’t congratulate you your birthday, and her recent texts were cold and impersonal. But still, she never told you her plans. She wasn’t honest with you. And so, no wonder it was a shock for you.

I’m upset, devastated, sad.

I hope you can see that she wasn’t playing fair. She wasn’t honest with you, she was hiding things from you. She did it the way it was easier for her: keep a pretense as long as possible, and then a sudden cut. What kind of partnership is it? What kind of friendship?

I hope you can see that your loss isn’t such a huge one as you thought it was. That she wasn’t the dream woman, or your best friend. Neither did she consider your feelings in all of this.

I hope you can see the reality – which although painful is also sobering. And that this will allow you to shake it off and move on with more determination than before.