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TeeParticipantHi John,
even though the meeting didn’t go the way you hoped for, I must say I am glad that she was strong enough. That this time “no” means “no”.
Any sort of friendship seems not to be possible, which makes me wonder why we are still communicating regularly.
That’s strange indeed, specially since she knows your intentions. As for why she agreed to meet this time, it might be because she has a kind heart and saw that you were struggling:
I think she sensed I am struggling at the moment. I sense she agreed to meet out of pity as much as anything,
But also, it could be that this time she was confident that she is strong enough to say no.
In a few weeks time it will be 31 years since the first day we kissed. Clearly, Iām one of those creatures that pairs for life. Nature is full of them
I am sorry, John. The way I see it, you’ve paired with two women in your life: your wife and your mistress. And this can never lead to long-lasting happiness…
TeeParticipantThanks for the tip, Ocean Shayan. You take care too!
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
I guess youāre right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that Iām much aware Iām taking things slowly
well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?
I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.
I guess thatās why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I donāt know Iām just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.
Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…
If sheād met me few month ago, sheād get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha
Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.
And No She never complained about my emotional ācoolnessā/reservedness only praised it many times.
Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.
I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.
But like I told you before sheās like a high school girl she just feels āa lotā so itās obvious that she wants someone like that?
Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.
So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said heās not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) sheās still feeling conflicted but she said she donāt want to cut ties with meā¦So she didnāt gave him any answer and told him to waitā¦
If she feels conflicted, it kind of confirms what I suspect: that she likes one part of you (cool and composed with others), but she doesn’t like the other part of you (cool and not eager with her). So she is vacillating…
So I told her take her time, Iāll support her decision.
Okay… so you’ll leave it to her to make the decision. But keep in mind that she is most probably not happy with your coolness towards her, and that’s something that will bother her. You can even ask her about it – whether your lack of eagerness is the reason she is thinking about returning to her ex.
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healing…
Oh good! Hereās another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.
That one is great too!
No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?ā¦ I donāt like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. Thatās not love. Thatās simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I donāt think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me
Yeah I know what you mean – when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, I’ve met such people. Don’t like them either…
Yes Iām keeping my cool but like you said sometimes Iām just boiling inside
Right, you seem “calm and composed”, but that’s because you’re good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isn’t related to the actual person standing in front of you, but it’s the anger at your father… and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesn’t show on the outside. Or at least it’s not so obvious…
Ah right itās been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?
There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls “The Daily Practice.” The video describing it is titled “Calm Anxiety – Learn this simple technique 15 minutes“. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.
I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about what’s behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.
Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?
Yes, you’d need to really accept that you are worthy, special and unique. That you have gifts and talents, and that your contribution is important and valuable. That you and your contribution matter. That you are important.
Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?
TeeParticipantHi Ocean Shayan,
Thank you for your kind offer, but I wouldn’t like to engage in distant healing at this point. But thank you for your good wishes! I wish the same to you, both in your life and your reiki practice!
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
oh I see, he’s thinking of moving to Portugal… It might be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean it has to be over between you two. It’s great you’re communicating about it and that his feelings haven’t changed. That’s the most important.
So my advice is not to freak out and run away from him. My advice is to actually have that trip to Portugal in June, maybe a prolonged one (if you could stay for at least a couple of weeks or even longer?), and see how you feel with him, how things are progressing, how you feel about a future together… Because Portugal is beautiful, you know š I’ve been there and it’s amazing, so who knows, maybe you decide to move there too?
I wouldn’t exclude anything at this point, but would give myself a chance to explore, to see what the future brings…
TeeParticipantHi Adam,
I hope you’re doing fine. I’ve been watching videos by one my favorite youtube coaches, and I’ve come across a video that almost exactly describes your situation. The title is “When traumatized people can’t love you: what to do“, and it’s on the channel called Crappy Childhood Fairy. She gave some really good advice, and I thought it may be useful to you too.
TeeParticipantHi Ocean Shayan,
well, unfortunately not everything is good in my life at the moment, since I am suffering from some health issues, which are turning chronic, so it’s giving me a hard time. But I hope I’ll be able to get better sooner than later….
Good to hear you are interested in reiki. Are you using it for your own healing?
TeeParticipantDear Ocean Shayan,
I noticed an omission in my sentence. It should have read like this:
I am sorry it ended like that, but also glad that you found love again, got married and have a child. Congratulations!
I guess you’ve figured it out, but just want to make sure…
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Nothing new happened just that we donāt talk as much as I would like.
Is it because he’s busy? Have you told him you’d like to talk more frequently? Btw how often do you talk?
Cuz i donāt have control over it and I donāt know if he is just gonna forget about me. If he was still working here i donāt think my anxiety would be so bad, cuz then i would know that he was definitly coming back. But with hus new job having head quaters in Portugal where he has lived before and he even has family there.
I see it’s hard for you, and I think it’s the fear of abandonment and rejection coming up. And it’s probably the same kind of fear you grew up with…Perhaps it could help if you had a doll or a fluffy animal who represents you as a child, and to just hold and caress that doll, and tell her you are with her and that everything will be fine. The idea is to stay in touch with your inner child and soothe her.
And also, talk to him, tell him you miss him, be open about it. You’ve got nothing to lose if you’re open about it – and much to win.
Let me know how it is going…
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
continuing about your girlfriend’s recent admission…
I know but Iām not disappointed because I wasnāt much attached, I didnāt ask if her ex left her, or she left him
Well I know itās not really normal, but I feel good like Iām saved from emotional frustration and etc. Like how Americans say āDodged a bullet?ā Idk if itās relevant here
Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…
She wasnāt surprised she already sees me as someone whoās āCalm and composedā She told me this in our first date and I said Itās what you see but I do have anxiety like some other peopleā¦
Even this time she told me ā you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?
And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sighā¦
I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…
I guess I didnāt told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, letās take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said itās the āmild breezeā talking
Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?
It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! itās much clearer to me and yeah, I do like āIām easy to loveā affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat
You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.
Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.
Thereās another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because itās been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)
Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.
Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?
[Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, youād be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather donāt say anything and donāt show your emotions?] — Yes Exactly!
Okay, this sounds like theĀ way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).
However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.
Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression). Anyway, I think processing your anger will do you good in more than one way.
Regulations my emotions, thatās we are already working on so. What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?
Hm, I think itās writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.
Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?
You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.
Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.
About boundaries youāre right and for so long he havenāt disrespected any of my boundaries tbh
That’s good to hear!
Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you havenāt done something worthwhile?
Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with š We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existingā¦
Iām not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?
Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).
You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.
So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…
Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!
You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
good to hear from you! Glad your holiday went well.
Yeah, she doesnāt look at me but just stays quiet, and then start to talk to the others when Iām done.
Well at least she’s not trying to talk over you, but waits till you finish. But it’s strange she’s not looking at you while you speak.
One girl mentioned that she does that so maybe i just havenāt seen it with others.
I guess she does that with others too. I mean, she did it in Venice too, when she wanted to walk off alone, or when she jumped in the first train, leaving the others behind. As you say, it seems she needs a lot of alone time, perhaps because she gets easily triggered by others. Or she is more of an introvert and other people’s company – if it lasts for too long – disturbs her.
In any case, it doesn’t seem like anything to do with you, but really, just her personality and perhaps her sensitivity. I guess you have to accept her as she is…
Yes, hard work paying off. Iām back at my normal shifts and that is really good.
Happy to hear that!
Now I hope to plan A trip to Portugal to visit my guy. I would feel a lot less anxious if Iām sure that he still wants me to come and visit. Being seperated is hard for me, I really miss him.
Are you in touch with him? Are there any signs that he might have changed his mind, or you’re overthinking?
TeeParticipantDear Ocean Shayan,
you are welcome, and thank you for your kind words!
I got divorced from my first wife within a month of this āAngelic guyā coming to my house. He also gave reasons for my wifeās walking away saying God was āagainstā me and he said it was actually Buddha who was speaking through him.
Does it mean his words reassured your ex wife that she should divorce you? I am sorry it ended like that, but also that you found love again, got married and have a child. Congratulations!
It’s also good that you’ve bounced back after the financial losses during covid.
Good to hear you’re exercising regularly. It’s interesting what you’ve noticed that a certain position of your foot/heel reduces the amount of negative thoughts you’re having. Haven’t heard of that before, although I know of the benefits of exercising on our mental health.
It seems you’re doing better than before covid and have a good, fulfilling life. And that you don’t worry that much, but as you said, are focusing on the present moment. Keep up the good work! And write whenever you feel the need!
April 19, 2023 at 1:06 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #417468TeeParticipantDear Dafne,
anita left the forums a few months ago, not sure when she’ll be back. I can try to give you my perspective, and in short, I’d say: run from this guy!
First, because he doesn’t want to date you in public. And it could be that it’s not just because he is not yet officially divorced, but because he isn’t planning to get a divorce at all! Because if someone is really “1 week left till divorce”, a) they’d be willing to wait that 1 week, if formality is so important to them, and b) they would have already been through a lengthy process of separation and estrangement from their spouse, and others in the community would have known they are going through a divorce, so it wouldn’t be such a scandal to appear with another woman in public. But in any case, if prudence is so important to him, he could have waited for a week or two more.
Another worrying sign is that he didn’t want to talk about his divorce:
Did not want to talk too much about his divorce, although I asked a few questions.
This raises suspicion and could mean that he’s not actually getting a divorce, but wants to cheat on his wife. You say he has his own place, which might mean they are separated, however it might even be someone else’s place, which he uses to have some fun on the side. I wouldn’t bet this guy isn’t lying to you to get what he wants.
And third, perhaps the most worrying, is this what he said:
I also added that we can stay friends for now and get to know eachother but he replied that he wants cuddles and fun and that he is afraid of women.
So he is afraid of women, doesn’t want to be friends with you, and simply wants to use you for sex. In other words, he’s not interested to get to know you better, he just wants sex and that’s all.
That’s why I say: run and don’t look back!
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