Dear Lealea,

my impression is that you don’t want to be hurt by him. That’s why you are “playing it casual”, even though you might want something more serious? But his initial comment (“women always seem to want to have relationships”) was pretty alarming and potentially revealed someone who doesn’t want a committed relationship. That’s why you’ve put up your guard and are pretending to be casual too. At least this is my impression.

So maybe I’m giving him mixed msgs. I just feel like I’m not sure what he wants. No doubt I should ask to clarify but I’m pretty reserved.

It seems you’re both sending each other mixed messages… Neither of you wants to be hurt by the other, it seems, or wants to appear too vulnerable or needy. He told you he’d like to be exclusive and he wants to spend a lot of time with you. You were like “yah, do whatever you feel you need”. As a reaction, he maybe says something which sounds like objectifying women (“his talk towards me is pretty sexual“), perhaps to appear tough and not needy? And then you conclude that he’s just after sex. Even though he also says other stuff that reveal different intentions (but then he will say something that confuses me).

It seems like neither of you is really admitting what you feel for the other, or what you want from the relationship. His every expression of vulnerability – when met with your feigned “indifference” – is probably followed by a feigned sexism. Which then is a proof to you that he might be superficial, when in reality, he is probably not. And so it goes, round and round….

I’m thinking if I want a more serious relationship then I should cut things off with him

Well, I think you’d need to clarify it with yourself first if you want a more serious relationship. Because it could be that you’ve been hurt in the past (I took the liberty of taking a look at your previous threads, although maybe I drew some false conclusions from it), and you’re afraid to be hurt again. And so you play it “safe”, by playing it casual. But it’s not really fulfilling…

This guy perhaps has the potential to have a deeper relationship, so I am not sure you’d need to cut things off with him. But you’d need to clarify it with yourself first…

Hi John,

It seems very alien to me that this limited but frequent, and amicable contact is allowed but that’s as far as it goes. Especially since I am told that it is all in the past and is hardly given a second thought so why is there a need for the barrier?

It is strange that she is communicating with you on a regular basis. But it’s not strange that she is allowing only a limited contact, because everything beyond that (such as meeting on a regular basis) would carry the risk of turning into a romantic relationship, and she clearly doesn’t want that. She knows you want it, but she doesn’t. That’s why she is putting a barrier…

Lots of other friends and acquaintances seem not to get the same treatment as me.

Well, I guess because they don’t expect her to be romantically involved with them? You are in a different category because your intentions towards her are different…

I do wonder if I am just an annoyance that is tolerated, which is an idea that does not make me feel good about myself.

It’s possible that she feels a certain obligation towards you. I wonder if you are the one who primarily reaches out to her (and then she replies), or she also tends to initiate contact? I know she was the one to reach out first about 2 years ago, after 2 years of no contact, but how is it now? Does she initiate it or she just replies?

Hi John,

even though the meeting didn’t go the way you hoped for, I must say I am glad that she was strong enough. That this time “no” means “no”.

Any sort of friendship seems not to be possible, which makes me wonder why we are still communicating regularly.

That’s strange indeed, specially since she knows your intentions. As for why she agreed to meet this time, it might be because she has a kind heart and saw that you were struggling:

I think she sensed I am struggling at the moment. I sense she agreed to meet out of pity as much as anything,

But also, it could be that this time she was confident that she is strong enough to say no.

In a few weeks time it will be 31 years since the first day we kissed. Clearly, I’m one of those creatures that pairs for life. Nature is full of them

I am sorry, John. The way I see it, you’ve paired with two women in your life: your wife and your mistress. And this can never lead to long-lasting happiness…

Hi SereneWolf,

I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly

well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?

I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.

I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.

Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…

If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha

Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.

And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.

Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.

I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.

But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that?

Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…

If she feels conflicted, it kind of confirms what I suspect: that she likes one part of you (cool and composed with others), but she doesn’t like the other part of you (cool and not eager with her). So she is vacillating…

So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.

Okay… so you’ll leave it to her to make the decision. But keep in mind that she is most probably not happy with your coolness towards her, and that’s something that will bother her. You can even ask her about it – whether your lack of eagerness is the reason she is thinking about returning to her ex.

Hi Ocean Shayan,

Thank you for your kind offer, but I wouldn’t like to engage in distant healing at this point. But thank you for your good wishes! I wish the same to you, both in your life and your reiki practice!

Hi Adam,

I hope you’re doing fine. I’ve been watching videos by one my favorite youtube coaches, and I’ve come across a video that almost exactly describes your situation. The title is “When traumatized people can’t love you: what to do“, and it’s on the channel called Crappy Childhood Fairy. She gave some really good advice, and I thought it may be useful to you too.

Dear Ocean Shayan,

I noticed an omission in my sentence. It should have read like this:

I am sorry it ended like that, but also glad that you found love again, got married and have a child. Congratulations!

I guess you’ve figured it out, but just want to make sure…

Hi SereneWolf,

continuing about your girlfriend’s recent admission…

I know but I’m not disappointed because I wasn’t much attached, I didn’t ask if her ex left her, or she left him

Well I know it’s not really normal, but I feel good like I’m saved from emotional frustration and etc. Like how Americans say “Dodged a bullet?” Idk if it’s relevant here

Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…

She wasn’t surprised she already sees me as someone who’s “Calm and composed” She told me this in our first date and I said It’s what you see but I do have anxiety like some other people…

Even this time she told me – you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?

And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sigh…

I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…

I guess I didn’t told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, let’s take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said it’s the “mild breeze” talking

Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?

It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?