Dear Maida,

I hear you and feel your pain. I can relate to crying non-stop and not seeing a way out. But let me say right away: there is a way out! Don’t lose hope! Let me try to explain…

What I think happened to you is that your childhood trauma got triggered in 2010, when you experienced all those losses. You say you had a traumatic childhood, but you had been recovering well in your early adulthood:

I had a healthy/normal level of confidence – I hadn’t always per a traumatic childhood, but had been recovering well in my early adulthood.

That’s actually quite common – that we find enough strength in our early adulthood to get away from the painful conditions we grew up in, and start a life of our own. We hope that life from then on will be better and more hopeful, with more opportunities. We are doing well, we’re pleased with ourselves. But then something happens – a crisis, a sudden loss – and our childhood trauma gets triggered. And then we sort of enter a downward spiral, where everything starts falling part.

It could be that something like that happened to you too? That losing your job caused a major emotional/self-confidence crisis in you, from which you couldn’t just bounce back so easily. Maybe you couldn’t find another job so quickly, and you ended up losing your car and your home too?

If so, that was a turning point – the point where you childhood trauma got triggered and entered your life again. And then I guess you started behaving differently too: you couldn’t any more be the warm, kind and self-confident person you used to be (I used to genuinely like people and had a warm personality).

Also, it seems you were the kind of person who liked helping people (you said you volunteered at a suicide hotline). All this changed after the sudden loss in 2010. Instead of feeling confident and capable of helping others, to be there for them – you probably became worried, anxious, insecure, and possibly needy.

You needed help and support – which is completely natural in the time of crisis – but your friends, as it seems, didn’t know what to do with that. Maybe you did become too difficult to be around, but maybe also those friends of yours were people who in the past needed your help. But when it was you who suddenly needed help, they just didn’t have the capacity to support you?

So it could be both – both that you changed, and that they were more of the “taking” types, not really capable of giving help when you needed it?

What do you say?

If this sounds plausible, there are ways to heal childhood trauma (which is also called Complex PTSD). There is plenty of free materials on youtube and a lot of self-help resources if you cannot afford a therapist at the moment. (I can point you at some of those resources, if you’d like to). But the key is to know: you’re not doomed, there is a way out!

Let me know what you think…

Dear Jamie and JeanClaire,

Jamie, it seems to me you very much wanted to be liked by others, and perhaps in that desire, you became somewhat a people pleaser? I am saying this because you say you dated selfish people, who only cared what you can do for them and didn’t care about you:

If only I was more careful in trusting other people back then. If only I dated people who actually has proven themselves to actually like me for who I am rather than what I can do for them

The people you thought were your friends were similar (“they could care less about you”). I assume they were people in the social group you were swept away by, and who later turned against you:

If only I surrounded myself with friends who really care for me rather than going after people who could care less about me.

One of my biggest regrets was being swept away by a social group and not having as much time to keep in close contact with two previous very dear friends of mine. When we inevitably drifted apart, I was in that friends group for maybe a couple of years before they decided to let me know what they really thought about me.

It seems to me you wanted to be liked, and you tried everything in your power to get their approval. You were open to self-improvement and wanted to know what you can do better next time:

I wish I was more charming and well received by others

I am the type of person who always appreciate people telling me what I can do better next time,

All I could remember was being there for other people as much as I can and trying to be kind to them.

All the above tells me that you might have fallen into the trap of people pleasing. You wanted to be liked by this social group, who might actually be quite superficial people:

I feel like a lot of my emotions seems deeply tied to things and people that might actually be superficial rather than anything of importance

I don’t know if I am guessing right here?

If so, there is a way out, Jamie. You can learn how to love and respect yourself, so you’re not longing for other people’s approval. You can forge new friendships, from a healthier place: from your true self, not from the people pleasing part of you.

What do you say? Does this ring true?

Dear Katrine,

that’s great news! You see how it’s all coming together, and he might end up living in London with you (didn’t know you were in London, btw, I thought you were somewhere in Scandinavia 🙂 ). Really happy for you, Katrine!

Hi John,

and yes, I am the one who tends to initiate communications. It has always been a little that way as a result of the circumstances but more so these days, which speaks volumes.

It does seem she always politely replies, but doesn’t really initiate communication of her own accord. So your “limited but frequent, and amicable contact” is mostly because you are contacting her frequently, and she replies, possibly because she doesn’t want to be rude. Nevertheless, it seems she is keeping a firm boundary, even if she is polite, and even if she agreed to meet you this time.

I think I have to accept that this time it really is all ancient history but that is something I have had to try to accept on several previous occasions, which turned out not to be the case. History has had a habit of repeating itself. I think not this time though.

Based on her behavior, and her keeping a firm boundary (i.e. being polite but not initiating contact), I’d say that she has moved on indeed. And yes, you’d need to accept it.

but it will be hard for me to stop hoping and wanting, which I know isn’t the road I should be on.

I know it will be hard, because she was an escape for you… And now that she’s not agreeing to that anymore, you’d need to choose a different road. A road to true freedom – the freedom to be who you are, to express yourself and your needs, to stand up for yourself, even if it feels very scary.

If you’d like to start exploring options for a different road, I’ll be happy to talk about it…

Hi SereneWolf,

good to hear from you again!

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

I see… meeting 5 times in total isn’t too much. And I understand you don’t want to rush things. Specially because you’re still working on yourself and trying to heal. You’re taking it slowly, and I actually think it’s good.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

Yes, if you’d pretend to be upset when you’re not – that would be dishonest and lying. Better be true to yourself – even if your truth at this point is to be more reserved than she would prefer to.

I’d like to correct something I said last time, and it’s this:

However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Actually I was thinking about it, and those are not two different things. Because it’s still you in both of those situations, and you have fear of expressing emotions, both anger and resentment, as well as love and attachment. (You’re working on it, so don’t worry, you’ll get there). But anyway, we can’t suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. That’s how we operate.

Right now, your “calm and composed” stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. It’s not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But it’s the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.

So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not – it’s the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, don’t worry about it, you’re working on it.

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

Yes, that was a powerful and very honest confession of hers! She is very self-observant and she realized she had expectations on you, even though you told her you want to go slowly. You told her your own limitations, but she still expected you’d break free from those limitations – just for her. She hoped she would be the one to finally “melt your heart”, so to speak. Well, that’s a very good self-reflection and I like her for being so honest. But I also like your response, it was really great:

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you don’t want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.

Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. That’s a good sign. I hope it’s not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you! 🙂

Dear Dafne,

you’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words!

I understand now why you considered asking for divorce papers pretty soon in the relationship – because you have been fooled before! It seems this man you were in a long-term relationship with used you for taking care of his small kids and never wanted to marry you. Even if he was always available and responsive, and there were no warning signs, he wasn’t available for marriage. But you didn’t know that, since he was lying to you.

I think that in the light of this painful experience, you can actually ask for divorce papers from the guy, once you see the relationship is getting serious.

Also, what I’ve noticed is that you said “when I started to push for marriage“. Never push for marriage – I mean, if the guy isn’t willing to marry you, there’s no point in pushing. Better leave. You want someone who wants to enter marriage happily, not pressured.

For that to happen, I think you’d need to clarify certain things relatively soon in the relationship – such as what’s his view of marriage (and children, if you’d like to have children). You don’t need to talk about it immediately, but within a few months, if you see things are doing well and there is potential for a long-term relationship. Talk about your desires and expectations about the future, and see if they match what they guy wants.

Just an update: I’ve sent a text to the last guy (separated policeman that pushed for sex) to ask how he was doing and he red it but did not reply. I guess not kissing him on that 1 date was a deal broker for him or maybe there is another reason?

I am glad he didn’t reply because he realized he cannot trick you into having sex with him. So he lost interest. That was the deal breaker for him: his inability to trick you into getting what he wants. He saw you have demands, you wanted to be his friend and get to know him, and that’s not what he wanted. He only wanted sex, no strings attached. So be glad that he’s gone from your life!

Tee, what mistakes do you think I’m making with all those men? How would you react on my place?

Hm… I am thinking that you might need to be more resolute with men and set your boundaries better. For example, when the policeman came to pick you up, you told him that he should choose the destination, and when he proposed his apartment, you gave in after some convincing from his side. You didn’t like it, you made him promise he wasn’t going to force you to have sex (After a long convincing and promise that he won’t be forcing me to sleep with him, I went to his place.) But still, you gave in to a completely inappropriate demand: to go to his place for your first date.

This should be a boundary, a red line, that you’re not wiling to cross. Even if the guy is pleading, making all kinds of excuses etc, you simply say “No, I can’t go to your apartment. Let me know when you’re ready to meet in public.”

So, I think you’d need to have that inner strength and determination to refuse things that go against your wishes and where you’re not respected.

Do you feel that a lot of times in your relationships you’re suppressing your wishes or going against them, because you’re afraid to lose the guy?

Dear Dafne,

you’re very welcome, I’m glad I could help.

Tee, what is your general idea of dating a separated man? If I happen to meet a separated/divorced man in the future, how should I go about it? Is it ok to ask him to see the final divorce papers? If yes, after how many dates to not offend him?

Hmm… good question. I think you don’t need to necessarily ask to see the divorce papers, because as you said, it might be offensive. But rather, you pay attention to his behavior. For example, if he is never available on the weekends, it’s a red flag because it might mean he is at home with his wife and kids. Similarly, if he can only meet you during working hours, and never in the evenings. If he is secretive about some aspects of his life and tends to be unavailable for days. Or if he gets mad at you for trying to reach him outside of the “designated” hours, which he approved of.

Also, if he is still living with his wife, claiming he is “planning to move out”. If he is afraid to be seen with you in public (as the last guy), etc.

In general, if you feel something is off and he seems like hiding something, or things don’t add up. All those are signs that he is leading a double life and is trying to trick you.

Also, if he seems very emotionally attached to his (soon to be ex) wife or ex girlfriend, i.e. constantly talking about how badly she behaved, how she hurt him etc. Focusing too much on his pain in a past relationship can be a sign that he is technically free, but emotionally not – that he’s still not over his ex.

And would you advice to stay friends first with any separated man and date other men meanwhile (until his divorce is finalised)?

Yes, I guess you can be friends with a separated man – provided that he is willing to get to know you as a person, go on walks with you, go for coffee/lunch with you, go for hiking or other similar activities (if that’s what you’re both interested in). In other words, if he shows interest in you as a person, and isn’t trying to get physical immediately.

I think if you are developing a relationship with one man, and he seems genuine and you like him, I personally wouldn’t go for other dates at the same time. But that’s just me and my preferences…

In your previous post you said:

I believe in friendships before any physical contact. The problem is that men that I’ve met do not want to be friends first and try to kiss me pretty soon. I always refuse the kiss in the first weeks of meeting and it always ends there.

That’s unfortunate that men don’t really want to get to know you better, and expect sex rather early on. In what circumstances do you meet those men, if I may ask? Perhaps online?

Dear Katrine,

Yeah they want him to stay there during the high season.

And that would be summer time? And the rest he would be allowed to work remotely?

It’s not a good sign that his boss is not keeping his word and makes him work more than initially agreed. But I understand that he doesn’t want to reject it as this point, since he is in Brazil and needs the money, so he’s sort of dependent on them. He doesn’t want to close the door on something that might be his “dream job”, as you’ve described it.

I think that even if he says yes now, he can change his mind later, once he is in Portugal and sees how things work. Even if he signs the contract, he has the right to quit, so I wouldn’t see it as tragedy if he accepts the job at this point.

You can even have a long-distance relationship for a while. I was in a LDR with my now husband for 5 years. Portugal is Europe, so it shouldn’t be so hard to travel and visit each other. Of course, the precondition is that he has some guaranteed free time, such as on weekends, and that they don’t cheat about that. But if they prove to be a cheating, exploitative company, he can always quit.

So I think this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship, and that it’s still doable, even if there are challenges. Try not to look at it in black-and-white terms – there are many possibilities how you can be a couple, and yet not live together all the time, at least for the time being. Be creative, be flexible. If you both want to be together and love each other, it can be arranged.

I have found a therapist back home (she does online sessions as well) and she works with improving romantic relastionsships, from heart ache to attachment style and all of that. I think that would be really helpful for me because this rollercoaster is too much for me.

It’s a great idea to work with a therapist. I know it’s hard for you, because you thought you can finally be happy with someone who loves you, and then obstacles appeared. And we, people with C-PTSD, can’t handle obstacles very well. It all seems scarier and worse than it really is. You feel helpless, although you are not really, because there are options to work around this problem. You just have to trust that it’s possible!

So please, don’t lose hope, don’t think it’s the end of love. It’s just life with its obstacles…. but you know how they say: where there is will, there is a way.

I am rooting for you! Let me know what he decided…