Dear SereneWolf,

thank you for your best wishes! I too wish you a happy, healthy and successful (yet serene 🙂 ) New Year!!

I guess but I don’t want this fear because it’s limiting fear

Yes, it is limiting… fear of your parents’ judgment makes you anxious and drains your energy, as you’ve once said. I think the only antidote to that fear is to tell yourself that even if your parents judge you, you won’t judge yourself. In other words, to have compassion for yourself, even if your parents don’t.

This is so true because of my impatience

Right.. so your inner critic took over the judgemental attitude of your parents and is pushing you to perform faster, better…. An image comes to mind of you being like a jockey, pushing and hitting your horse to run faster and faster… and being angry at him if he cannot run so fast.

Again right but I talked about this with a friend and she told me that striving to be better ain’t wrong just being self-compassionate along is what should I do…

That’s absolutely true – striving to be better isn’t wrong in itself. But you yourself admitted that you push yourself hard because you’re impatient. Which means you’re not compassionate with yourself when it comes to learning new skills and your job performance in general.

Hmm for this I’d say that I’m not sure. But could be the root cause because Since teenage Most of the time my expectations are higher from myself first.

You’ve moved away from home when you were 16. Maybe you wanted to move away from your parents’ relentless judgment… But the thing is that by that time your inner critic had already soaked in their judgments, and so you’ve become your own worst critic. Even if your parents are (or seem) much milder nowadays, it is you who is pushing yourself hard…

Dear Lukas,

good to hear from you, and specially that you’re working on your plan to leave the consumption based business world.

And i had a realization while reflecting. I somehow lost my Joy a long the way and with it my light heartedness.

Are you aware of what is stealing your joy? Perhaps there is a negative voice in your head telling you something, which makes you lose your joy? (e.g. perhaps there is a voice in your head telling you that you’ll never be happy and you’ll always stay behind, no matter what you do?)

Dear Katrine,

you know, when I read that old post from April 2021, I thought to myself that it might be your sister who was spreading lies to your friend, because this friend accused you of the same things as your sister accused you of after not attending to her son’s christening (that you’re doing it on purpose to deliberately hurt her). It was the same accusation, so I thought it might have been actually her.

I understand why you didn’t want to admit it back then – because you were still so much gaslighted by her that it was a taboo to even think that she might be abusive to you. You were also conditioned by your parents to see her as the victim, and yourself as bad if you didn’t comply with her demands. So in your mind, you were the abuser and she was the victim. And then your friend (the one suffering from BPD) accused you of the same – and you totally believed it.

I can imagine how hard it was for you, and how it contributed to you feeling really badly about yourself and blaming yourself. The only positive role in all of this is your other friend, who saw things much more clearly and warned you that your sister might be faking a lot of things, and that she’s out of line for treating you like that. That’s a good and trustworthy friend! I hope you’re still in touch with her!

They became best friends due to this lie. My sister would even bring her gifts from helping her with her computer but never said a simple thanks to me or my parents for putting aside our lives helping her out. It still hurts thinking about it.

Yes I can imagine… as I was studying narcissism a bit more intensely these days, I’ve learned that it’s actually a typical behavior that narcissists are double faced: They show a fake kind face to the outside world, to get praise and admiration. And they show their true, selfish face to their immediate family. Your sister was/is doing the same: kind to other people, and rude and exploitative/ungrateful with her immediate family.

I think the best way to feel less hurt by her is that you see her as she is, and to stop expecting her to be kind to you. To stop expecting her to change. And also, as I’ve said before, to stop believing the accusations she hurls at you. If she tells you you’re a bad person, you don’t believe it, you know it’s a lie.

So those two things are crucial: 1) don’t trust her, and 2) stop expecting anything from her. And then third, spend as little time as possible with her, specially with her alone. I’d spend zero time with her alone, if possible. Instead, spend as much time as possible with people who genuinely support you and have your best interests in mind, such as your other friend.

And of course, make new friends outside of your sister’s circle – which is what you’ve been already doing. Far from her reach, you are free to be yourself and free to be seen as you are, not as your sister sees you.

I am so happy that X and Y have invited to you to their New Year’s Eve party. There might be even a benefit to coming late – you can just sneak in, similarly to how you used to sneak out 🙂 With not much pomp, you just show up and let X and Y know that you’re there. I guess there will be a lot of people there, with music etc, so they probably won’t all sit around a table looking at the door 🙂 But even if you get some attention, remember that you’re OKAY, that people like you, and that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Happy New Year to you too, Katrine! I wish you a fun, pleasant, as relaxed as possible New Year’s Eve!

Dear SereneWolf,

yes, hypothyrodism and Hashimoto have similar symptoms and the same treatment (hormone supplementation), but it’s still good to know what exactly the diagnosis is, and how your thyroid looks like. For example, an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

Yes so I’m trying to erase that engraved thing. I literally had a dream like a week ago before my parents planning to visit, and I was anxious what’s going to happen. But thankfully everything went well.

 Yes [you fear you’d disappoint them]. Like even for little things sometimes

It seems to me you’re still trying to meet their expectations, and you might still fear their judgment. You said earlier that they approve of the field of work you’ve chosen (IT industry). But had you chosen something else, they might not approve of it, because you said they do make comments about other young people from your place of origin choosing the “wrong” path.

So their judgmental attitude hasn’t disappeared, it seems to me, but it’s not currently pointed against you, because you’re meeting their expectations (finishing your bachelor’s degree and planning to enroll an MBA). But should you fail, or do things slower than expected, perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

Another option is that they really stopped being judgmental (which in my opinion is a less probable option), and your fear of not meeting their expectations stems only from the past.

But even if they aren’t judgmental any more, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible. Here is an example from your other thread, where you said that you fear you’re not learning fast enough:

I’m in competitive environment like where all people like, Grow this metrics, learn this, learn that skill we’re fast pacing company and etc.. so all this fast learning maybe making me feel very competitive and that’s why inside my head I be like I do have to be better otherwise I’d be behind like before.. so it’s that fear

It’s a pressure – coming from your inner critic – to perform better, quicker, faster… not only in the technical skills but also in the soft skills. You’ve asked me in your latest post how to learn the soft skills methodically (how you’re noting things down? For Learning in general. I’m thinking about creating the new framework for learning for kind of the soft skills and things I have to work on…). You also said that this pressure to learn new things as quickly as possible overwhelms you (I do feel overwhelmed sometimes).

It’s really commendable that you’re so enthusiastic about learning, and specially learning the soft skills and being as good a leader as possible. And I am impressed by your willingness to learn and implement new things. However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

So there’s a healthy drive for learning, it seems to me, and an unhealthy drive as well. The latter stems from a feeling of lack, not being good enough, and not wanting to be a failure. In other words, it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

Dear Hello,

you’re welcome and thank you for your blessings!

I am so glad that he hasn’t managed to fool you or distract you in the meanwhile, and that you’re on track with packing and moving!

Also, I am very glad that your daughters took the announcement very well, and are actually excited about starting a new chapter away from him. I imagine they don’t particularly like him?

I can tell you that yesterday was the happiest I’ve felt in a few years.

No wonder, since you have finally seen through him and decided to free yourself from his abuse (manipulation, guilting me, projection, love bombing… when I’m around him I feel like I’m being poisoned.).

But Im not affected by them

His abuse and manipulation don’t have power over you any longer. You saw through him and his words lost power. You don’t believe him when he says you’re a bad person. His words have zero, or almost zero weight to you, and that’s why you feel free!

I’ve realized fully now that he’s been an abuser all this time and I know I’ll have to heal from that.

Yes, you’ll need some healing, but it might not be such an arduous task for you like it was for his first wife, because you have done a lot of personal growth during your marriage, and you’ve grown a lot. At the beginning of this thread you were already willing to let him go because you said you’ve tried everything but nothing worked (I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.).

So it seems to me you’ve come a long way in the last 3 years. You’ve made yourself strong enough to leave. And when you’ve realized that he has a NPD, everything fell into place and it only confirmed what you already suspected: that he isn’t willing to change. This only strengthened your resolve to leave ASAP.

So I think you might be well prepared – mentally, emotionally and also from a practical point of view – to start a new chapter. But of course, you can’t just press the switch and forget all about him and his abuse. It will take time till you process it all.

Dr. Ramani is a great resource on all things narcissism. She has a youtube channel “DoctorRamani”, with hundreds of videos. So if you need an expert opinion, I highly recommend her videos.

Wishing you further success with moving in the following days!

Dear Dan,

glad you have family around and can spend time with them. Also that you can talk to your mother… is she supportive?

I am very glad that your suicidal thoughts didn’t last, and that you’re feeling a bit better now. Also, that you’re thinking about taking up martial arts again! I guess it’s a good way to build up not only your physical strength, but also mental power, i.e. the feeling of power in your own life. At least that’s what I associate martial arts with… perhaps it’s different for you?

If you have a full-time job, perhaps having a part-time job on the weekends would be too much? I mean it would leave you little time for resting and doing the things you enjoy. But if that part-time job is something you enjoy, then it seems like a good idea.

Yes, I had a pleasant and peaceful Christmas, and an extraordinarily warm one. Very far from white Christmas 🙂 Thank you for asking!

Dear Katrine,

merry Christmas! How are you holding up?

Dear SereneWolf,

good you went to check your TSH level. My advice is to do an ultrasound too, just to make sure there is no autoimmune disease. Although if your TSH is within limits, I guess the chance of autoimmune disease is lower too.

I’d say more in private life but it’s lot better than before

Alright, so you’re better at accepting people’s No, it doesn’t make you so angry any more. If you want to talk about it more, you’re welcome.

Yes definitely. And the thing is that I think after getting an MBA degree I’d be even more confident because right now without bachelor’s or master’s I’m on Manager position. So it does feel inadequate to other people. Because there are some people who finished their Masters and working under me so…

I understand…. yes I guess it’s beneficial to have a university degree if you’re a boss in a tech company. And having an MBA is an additional big plus!

I started taking care of my inner child… with my childhood photo also I talk to my inner child and try to compassionate with him

Excellent! You said that your inner child is trying to get your parents’ approval (Yes exactly and that’s what my inner child is trying as well.). Can you recognize when what happens? And do you have a way to soothe yourself (your inner child), tell him he is good enough etc?

Yes the marketing manager. He’s super persuasive. Definitely like a wall street sells guys. With sweet talkin’ he just makes you say Yes… But what I do now is that I don’t schedule lot of meeting with him. Instead, just make him deal with my assistant and then later I answer him via email. In email writings he can’t win against me

Smart! Reducing face-to-face contact, when he might “sweet talk” you into accepting some unfavorable things for you and your team…  and instead, communicating via email. Cool! And so he’s not too pushy with you in emails?

Hmm I see nowadays social media algorithms are very strict. So you have to be consistent with your content otherwise algorithms just put you way out from the platform.

Yes, that’s a great advice. I know, consistency is one of the key things. If you’re not active all the time, you get forgotten and the algorithm skips you…

And thank you for those two links. I love what it says in one of the articles: “You’ll see that the real project is the best teacher. … In a long run, one mediocre project is worth a few books and online courses. Learn from your own mistakes.”

Yes, I’ve realized that in the meanwhile…