Dear SereneWolf,

Okay good, Be sure to update me.

Well, that was the initial check-up and I got some exercises to practice at home…  and then come back next week. So I’ve started doing those, and am hoping they’ll work…

Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

Glad to hear you’re listening more and showing more empathy, before offering advice. And you’re right to apply it with your colleagues and friends too, not just your romantic interest…

And Today I had another therapy season. She said I’m doing lot better than she expected

Well, you’re working very diligently on your self, you’re very motivated, and that’s a positive side of being driven. What’s not so great is when you’re pushing yourself too hard, never being happy with yourself, judging yourself for not being good enough or fast enough. So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO 🙂

Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

Can she intuitively feel the energies? A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

Dear Daniel,

I think I understand now…. you’re feeling pressure from your overly caring parents, and you feel that if you don’t check that major box (of getting married within the “acceptable” time frame), they’ll be disappointed in you. You’ve checked all their other boxes, but this one you’re having a hard time with…

It seems your parents’ love is conditional – they love you and accept you if you live according to their expectations. But if not, they start worrying about you, maybe they subtly criticize you, compare you to your cousins and friends, and it makes you feel that “if I don’t get all this sorted by a certain age or at the same time as my cousins/friends then I am letting my parents down or my family down.”

In other words, you feel that if you don’t meet their expectations, you’re letting them down. You feel like a disappointment, right?

I guess you would need to tell yourself that you are not a disappointment, even if you live according to your own timetable and follow your own dreams and desires.

You mentioned that girls don’t feel the spark with you. Maybe it’s because you don’t feel that spark either? If we try to live according to other people’s expectations, and tick all their boxes, it usually dims our spark… because the spark is our individuality, our unique essence, and it needs to be free to express itself…

Tell me what you think, does this ring true?

Dear SereneWolf,

For Sure. When you want to start physical therapy?

Tomorrow is my first appointment…

I think I realize now that the way I require freedom my partner will require freedom too and by pushing and kind of controlling is not the way. It wouldn’t make her feel safe and thus she’d try to pretend something… Am I right?

Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

Haha short but on point video. I’m definitely appreciating listening/empathizing.

Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice 🙂

Okay so this might be the also reason that I feel behind sometimes. My family and friends do expect me get married and be settled ASAP. (Not forcing but still)
Lot of my friends who are even younger than already got married and some have kids as well. Because here getting married in your late 20s considered lot more normal and safer.

I see, that’s societal/cultural pressure. But keep in mind that you like to walk your own path, so don’t be swayed by those external pressures. Do what feels right to you.

But I know well that I’m not ready for marriage. I still have my goals to accomplish. And I started to believe in slow love as well. Guess I’m still hopeless romantic!

Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

Yes that’s exactly what I’ve decided!

Great! I am rooting for you!

Well as of now I think she’s not rushing to settle down but I guess there might be fewer common interests. I’m guessing because she’s not minimalistic like me, likes noisy places, Extrovert. But she’s outgoing and upright honest about things which I liked about her. Also she’s not that much tall but I’ll manage. Okay I’m hard to please I know but maybe I’ll find other good qualities?

Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

Dear Katrine,

I am sorry about this new development and that it causes you so much pain. I say it’s for your own good that this guy rejected you – because I still believe he’s a very troubled person, unable to be in a healthy relationship. I know that reason is one thing, emotions are another, so it’s hard for you to not feel hurt. But at least, know that he is not a catch (except that he is good looking and knows how to charm women away) and that you wouldn’t be happy with someone who has alcohol and drug problems.

Well people called him a player because he would get super drunk and then fool around with women only to not want more from them but players don’t need alcohol to be wuth women. My colleague who just told that he and that girl are a thing goes out with him and x and y and she says he is charming and flirts around. Like her behaviour today gave it away but he was treating her the same way he acts around any other women, No nerves or anything.

Well, it seems he can be charming and flirting around both when he is drunk and when he isn’t. I don’t know if he is a player, who likes to see women fall for his charm but then reject them. Or he is a “clueless Adonis”, who is simply a magnet for women, but his intention is not to mislead them and make them fall for him.

As for his treatment of you, I am not sure but it seems to me that he did mislead you, because he showed interest in you, and then he backed off. And later, he had the nerve to stand near you at the office party, and not utter a word. It can’t be said he was clueless about his effect on you (he knew you had a crush on him), and yet, there he was, standing near you. I didn’t like that behavior and I told you so already. It felt manipulative.

This tells me that he indeed might be a player, i.e. that he has the need for girls to like him and desire him, but he doesn’t have an intention to be with them. I am not claiming this, since this guy is hard to read, but based on this incident, it could be the case.

Whatever it is, I am glad that he actually said No to you, because you would have been hurt. I know it hurts you now too, but you might have been much more hurt if you entered the relationship with him. I am almost sure about that…

Iyou are right. I take on too much resposibility for other people emotions and him being weird around me and if they are gonna be a couple then he should talk to me like a friend.

Yes, you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions. But also, don’t expect that he should talk to you like a friend. You can’t force him to talk to you like a friend if he for some reason feels anxious around you. So allow him to feel awkward around you. His awkwardness doesn’t say anything about you – it only says things about him. So if I were you, I wouldn’t expect anything from him.

Instead, I’d try to spend as little time as possible in his vicinity. Perhaps you can work in the opposite shift from him? If you end up getting triggered around him – specially now that he’s messing with this girl – the best would be to limit your exposure to him.

Dear SereneWolf,

I hope you’ll be alright and may you able to create the healing energy for your own self.

thank you for your good wishes. I hope that healing energies will come both from within and without, as I start physical therapy 🙂

Yes you analysed it right. I was projecting my things on her. Which wasn’t healthy. But I believe I did learn some compassion from her. She was trying for that but I wasn’t listening and just blindly driven

Good that you’re aware of it now – that you were pushing her the same way you were pushing yourself to do more and better. So that’s one big lesson for your next relationship.

I also remember that you said you didn’t like her complaining, and so you offered various solutions to fix the problem. But probably you lacked one key step: showing empathy for her problems. Instead, you rushed to solutions immediately. There is a funny video about that, where this is taken to the extreme. It’s on youtube, titled “It’s not about the nail”, by Jason Headley”. Talks exactly about fixing vs just listening/empathizing…

I want to get married. I know that because I love kids. But if I get married now I do fear loss of freedom and it’s just that I just have lot to do, still lot to see in this world, lot to accomplish.

That’s fine, you don’t need to get married right away. You can find someone who, like you, isn’t rushing to get married, but wants to enjoy life, travel, perhaps accomplish some professional/career goals first… There are girls like that out there, not everyone wants to get married and have children right away.

You’d need to look for a compatible person, with similar goals and values, and also similar interests. She doesn’t have to like everything that you do, but there should be at least some compatibility, e.g. being an outdoors person, or loving adventure, or whatever is important to you. You can have a committed relationship with such a person, and yet, it wouldn’t require you to give up on some of your career or other life goals.

As per my situation 2 of my friends suggested me that. And it’s definitely new for me because I haven’t tried that before I know it’s really complex thing to do.

Well, guys like to suggest such things, but you said it yourself that it wouldn’t be fulfilling and it could indeed hurt you. It’s not even your style, and I know that if we force ourselves to do something that go against our principles, it’s never a good thing and we always get burned.

Is there something in between relationship middle of casual and committed?

As  I said, you can have a committed relationship with a compatible person, in which you feel free to be yourself and aren’t afraid of losing your freedom or giving up on some really important goals. I am not saying it’s easy to find such a person, but  it’s possible. What I am sure is that settling for casual relationships won’t help you find such a person…

I believe in safe sex or even being tasted first, so rare to none chance for STD

Good that you’re cautious!

Because one of the girl texted me to spend this weekend with her. To be honest at first, I was really tempted. But I do want to taking things slow and step by step as you said… So I told her for next week and maybe I’ll meet and see how things goes from there

Yes, you can try it and see if she is compatible to you, e.g. if she isn’t rushing to settle down but is more relaxed about it. Or if there are common interests that you can both enjoy in your free time. Or if she seems genuine, not pretending…

And yeah, I’m working on my compassion and empathy as well

Good to hear! Keep up the good work! 🙂

Dear SereneWolf,

yes I’ve been to the doctor. I’ll have to go to physical therapy and hopefully that should help… it’s not that simple, but I am hoping that physical therapy will relieve the symptoms.

Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

Good! Excellent approach!

But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

In fact, I am trying do something that makes me very anxious with respect to my career. But still, I want to try…

Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

Good that you haven’t pretended that much in your 2nd relationship. But you’ve mentioned that she saw you as quite critical, pushing her to do things quicker and faster (perhaps similar to how you’ve been pushing yourself?). And you were impatient because she wasn’t following your suggestions? Perhaps in your “brutal honesty”, you were lacking compassion? Again, lack of compassion for both yourself and for her as well?

Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

You’re welcome! Yes, take is slowly, step by step, and see what response you’re getting…

Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either.

I got you. You fear commitment… do you think it’s because you never want to get  married (because it seems like a burden, loss of freedom, or something similar), or you don’t want to get stuck with someone who’s not right for you?

Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?

So you want to be in a non-committed, casual relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment like you are? Someone who won’t force you to commit, but will just enjoy the time spent together but not want deeper (emotional) intimacy?

I mean, you can do that, I am sure, but how fulfilling will it be? And what will you learn that way? In my opinion, getting into casual relationships can cause more trouble than good, so I wouldn’t use it for learning. Because it may come with a price, of being heart-broken, or even getting an STD (sorry for being “brutally honest”).

So I wouldn’t take that route, but would rather take the lessons you’ve learned so far, and try to do it differently next time: take things slow, step by step. Open up with one vulnerable thing, and see how she reacts. Be more compassionate both toward yourself and towards her… So, apply the things that we’ve talked about already.

Dear Hello,

I am glad the move went well and that you’re slowly settling in. Also, that you had help with the move and getting things in order at your new place.

As my daughters and I get into a routine, we are all realizing just how much more freedom we have to do things. He monopolized almost every aspect of my life, down to when I showered at night.

That sounds like he had you under complete control! I can imagine what a relief it is to be free now, without worrying he might criticize your every move.

I’ve been educating myself most days as well on recovering from being in a relationship with a NPD spouse. I can tell that I have suffered trauma emotionally and will take time to acknowledge this and let that heal.

I can imagine it was a traumatic experience, and you need to process it still. So far, you were in a sort of emergency mode, solely focused on moving out, which you’ve completed with an amazing speed and very successfully! But as things begin to settle down, you’ll have more time to think about it all, and it’s normal that those thoughts and feelings will come up – of the emotional abuse and suffering that you were exposed to. That’s all very painful and it will take time to heal.

I’m going to give it a few months, but I suspect I might need to see a therapist for a few months to sort through my experience.

Yes, I think it’s a good idea. You were under a terrible pressure these past 4 years, being constantly criticized, controlled, manipulated… it took a toll for sure, and you’ll need to decompress, so to speak. It’s no small thing having being subject to narcissistic abuse… It’s wonderful that you’ve freed yourself from it, but now you’ll need to take the stress out of your system and be truly free from it mentally and emotionally too.

I am rooting for you, and I am confident you’ll succeed to heal completely!