Dear Anita,

I haven’t yet commented on the lies your mother was telling you, sending you the message that you were totally bad, that you deserved her abuse, and that you’re even badder if you try to oppose it or dare to criticize her for abusing you.

In yet other words: I was expected to look down at the floor as she shamed and guilt-tripped me at great lengths; hit, kicked, punched me and NEVER, EVER express- in any way )not even in a look in my face)- anything but TOTAL ADMIRATION for her goodness. Which meant, unquestionable acceptance of my badness.

Yes, a narcissistic person would think in those terms: there is no way they can be bad, under no conditions. Even if they abuse you, they are right, you are wrong. They are the victim, you are the perpetrator 😕

Her message: You (Anita) have wronged me from the moment you were born (bridge birth, low-weight baby, refusing to nurse.. milk duct infection of young mother). You’ve been BAD from your very beginning, wronging the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD (her words, “best..)”

Right, she was accusing you for being born prematurely, for her getting duct infection… not thinking for a second that perhaps the stress which you’ve experienced in utero, perhaps even the stress and trauma of her bulimia (or anorexia) could have contributed to any of those problems…

So, her narrative was always this: “I am the best; you are the worst; I’ve always been victim; you all are perpetrators”.

Yes, the covert narcissist narrative: they are the greatest victim, and if you dare to question it, you’re the perpetrator…

It’s good that you’re seeing those things so clearly now, Anita. You really can see through the lies of this narrative, the lies that your mother conditioned you with.

In regard to her message, “you all are perpetrators”- I tried to be on her side by never trusting anyone/ be against everyone (and therefore, be WITH her), but no matter what, I was never allowed to be WITH her. No matter how much I rejected everyone, I was not to be one with her-

It never happened that I was one with her, as a team of two.. no matter how much I desired it to be that way.

Right.. that’s also true for a narcissist: because as much as they need sympathy and people agreeing with them, they need to remain alone on the pedestal, as the single greatest victim. You cannot be “one” with a narcissistic mother, because she needs to one-up you, basically… She needs to always feel better than you.

The opposite of shame would be humility: to admit faults and mistakes humbly, as in: oh.. I was wrong, but I can do better!

The opposite of toxic shame is.. healthy, humble shame, saying to myself something like: I said/ did wrong, but I am not doomed.. I am not BAD. I can correct, I can do better.

Yes! Growing up with a narcissistic mother leaves us with toxic shame. The feeling that we are bad at our core, that something is terribly wrong with us.

But now you’re seeing it clearly: that even if you make a mistake, you are not bad. Your identity is not bad. You are a good person who sometimes make mistakes, like we all do. That’s what being human means.

I am happy you’ve freed yourself (or are working on freeing yourself) from the conditioned thinking that you are bad and your mother is good. The more you practice and affirm the truth of who you are, the better it will get. You’re doing a monumental job reversing that old programming, and I am really happy for you!

🤍 🫶 🤍

Hi James,

I have died many times and saw the hell or process of surrendering. And you have literally no idea what is waiting for you.

My last death, me never came back, not only me, the attachment of James, which is the even he breathes or sun that he get warms died.

Did you have an NDE? (or more of them?) If you’d like to share more about the circumstances under which this happened, I’d be interested to read. It seems it was both a liberating and a scary experience? I guess scary for the ego, as you’re saying everything “burns” (not just the body and the DNA) but also our personality, i.e. the ego? And in your experience, no individuality remains, no soul?

People have had quite different NDEs – some saw only love and light, others saw images of hell, and then used it to warn people. (Many years ago I’ve read one such warning testimony by a woman named Gloria Gallo, who was struck by lightning and miraculously survived. But I can’t find it now, perhaps I remember her name wrongly).

There is also a book on the after-life called Journey of Souls, by Michael Newton, which actually talks about our soul being preserved after death and going through a process of healing and learning.

I’ve just watched about an NDE experience by a woman struck by lightning (if anyone is interested, it’s on youtube, the video is called “Struck by Lightning: the skeptic discovers life after death (NDE)”). She had a beautiful experience, she felt like home, she got many answers (e.g. she saw that a soul chooses their parents before it incarnates, which was interesting to me because I’ve heard it before).

She was a skeptic, didn’t believe in life after death, but the NDE changed that. Now she says: “I did not believe in life after death, I thought when you die that’s it, it’s over, lights out, you’re done… and that is not the case, consciousness survives.”

Anyway, it seems she had a different experience than you, James. I’m not questioning your experience, I just find it fascinating that different people have different experiences. This woman (Elizabeth Krohn, who was struck by lightning) also said that everybody is presented a different image of heaven, I guess depending on what certain things mean to them. It’s all very individual.

Alessa, I didn’t know you had a NDE too! I remember you mentioned you almost drowned once, but I didn’t know you needed to be resuscitated. And that you left your body – wow!

So, not only body anything and everything you attached will be burn with death. And it is timeless till completely surrendering.

And if you experience that for even 30 minutes, believe me, mental hospital or best drug won’t be able to calm you down and will go insane.

It sounds like you had a scary experience, James, or at least an experience that changed your life. I’d be interested to know more about your NDE and how it came about, if you feel like sharing.

Hi Alessa,

I appreciate you trying to understand everyone, see everything through an extremely kind and accepting lens, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if their words might be unjustly harsh and critical.

The way I think about it, language is a social construct that is supposed to alert us to danger before it becomes violence or results in negative consequences.

Many times, the ultimate argument is that language has limitations. And so if there is conflict and an unwillingness to hear each other and respect each other’s perspective (even if we disagree), we can blame it on the language, and so no one gets offended.

In my opinion, James said some pretty unequivocal things, which cannot be explained differently than him telling us that we’re stuck in the ego and are lying to ourselves. Here are some examples:

Dec 13-15:

Just i recommend to you, actually to all to stop these playing house games, but get real.

Many of you here to say kind words or saying ah darling you are so good stuff or heart emojis stiff… But all is a lie. İf anyone ask anyone here to borrow the money, they will never get back to that person.

So, everyone should stop pretending to be good and get real.

you guys are not even aware that you lie to yourself.

You guys haven’t meet with the devil/you yet. And i am offering to you to meet.

When death comes, your these squeamish personalities will burn till not even ashes left from you. Surrender before too late.

The self improvement is self / mental masturbation.

And (Sept 25):

İf anyone says spirituality is self-improvement. They just want to sell. Don’t buy that. İf sellers make people feel good, sellers makes money. However, if anyone hears what real Spirituality is, all of you guys run. Because, even in this forum, everyone try to impose them beliefs.

Dec 18:

What was said by me was not to you and all people in forum at all. İt was said to separate self’s, which is the one who got offended by what was said etc…

Curiously enough, James accused us of imposing our own beliefs, when that’s what he has been doing all along. None of us has been imposing our own beliefs on this forum – people have been discussing things and respectfully sharing their perspectives. But then came James and concluded that “people are imposing their beliefs”. Accusing the others of what he himself has been doing.

I can say that I don’t always say everything I think when answering people on the forum. It is not my place to comment on how people should live their lives. I’m not opposed to people who do have that style though. Everyone is different.

I can see how some people might interpret that as a lie or fakeness. It aligns with my values to support people regardless and encourage their autonomy. I think that from this lens, it takes the sting out of edgy words like lie and fake.

Interesting perspective… so you’re not actually bothered by someone telling you that you’re living a lie, or that your kindness is fake?

To be honest, I don’t think we should try to take the edge off of stingy words (someone’s arbitrary accusations) – without addressing that sting. Because stings hurt. Stings can be abusive. Words can both build and destroy. So we must ask: why the sting, why these accusatory words? (and why the dire warnings of what will happen to us if we don’t heed his words (burning DNA and suchlike))?

James maybe believes that we’re in danger and need strong words to awaken. Maybe he believes that he is practicing tough love (which might involve using strong words to confront someone’s destructive behavior, for their own good).

But are we really in need of tough love? Are we asleep and need to awaken from our slumber before it’s too late? Or is James projecting those things on us?

Merry Christmas to you too, Alessa! ✨ ❤️

Dear Anita,

I’m happy that Bogi the beagle 😊 came home safely, albeit not without mishaps! I’m sorry, can’t give you much advice on how to clean after dogs (and in general about dog upkeep), since I’ve never had a pet. But I’m sure these are just beginner’s hurdles and you’ll get the hang of it soon enough! 🤞

So good to hear that you’ve managed to calm him down during the unpleasant ride, and that he found comfort in your proximity:

All through the drive, every time he opened his eyes, I’d pet his head and he’d closed his eyes again until the next jolt in the ride, and I’d pet him again.. and his whole body would get closer and closer to me as he found comfort in physical proximity to me.

That’s a very good sign – that he can relax in the proximity of his new owner. I think you’re already being a good dog mom, Anita. 😊 🤍

And a clever one, too, bribing him to get on his bed by pieces of sliced turkey. 😂 Glad that worked out smoothly! 🙂

But I’m sorry to hear that Boe and Hunter are dead, specially that Hunter was killed by a deer! 😢 I hope Kooper, if you meet him again, will be able to play nicely with his younger fella, Bogi! 😊

I believe that you and I, Tee, have been the unfortunate victims of Narcissistic mothers, like you have said all along.

You didn’t deserve it; I didn’t deserve it. These 2 Narcissistic “mothers” deserve no more of our time or attention, I say tonight!

Good thinking, Anita! I still wanted to add something, since it might be relevant for your quest to become a separate person and exit your personal holocaust:

And now, I want to exit that personal holocaust MORE thoroughly than I have recently, to be more and more open to something else, something new. But not before I fully accept, and no longer resist the truth of my decades-long experience: that of being a victim of MT.

I want to move my attention elsewhere, farther and farther away from her, beyond the huge physical distance between me and MT, and into a mental-emotional safe distance. I want a life that’s mentally removed from her. I want Independence, autonomy.. what’s the word.. self-determination. To be a woman, a grownup; no longer an abused girl.

That’s a worthy quest, Anita. To start focusing somewhere else, on building your new identity (or rather, peeling off the layers of the false identity, coming to your True Self). And the precondition for that, like you noticed, is to feel mentally and emotionally less threatened by her, to create a mental-emotional safe distance from her.

Because even if you haven’t been threatened physically for decades, because you chose to leave that toxic home, you were still emotionally and mentally threatened – because you believed her lies. Lies about yourself, about her, about other people, about life… You lived within her narrative, you believed it, you made decisions based on it.

But recently, you’ve started to question that narrative and even rejected most of it. You’ve realized you’re not the person she told you you are. And I hope you’re realizing that her opinion of you doesn’t feel so threatening anymore. She can believe whatever she wants, but it doesn’t affect how you feel about yourself and what you hold dear in life. It doesn’t affect your sense of self. That would be the goal.

And so if her judgment doesn’t affect you, or affects you less than before, there is a space to feel greater emotional and mental safety from her. To feel like your life is yours, not hers, or not in reaction to her.

And that’s how you can start exercising independence, and actually get out of that prison camp. Because her view of you isn’t imprisoning you any longer…

Maybe you’re feeling that already, but I just wanted to mention it, in case it helps some more…

🤍 🙏 🫶 🤍

Dear Anita,

that’s a fantastic decision to get yourself a beagle!! 🤍 I know you loved your neighbors’ beagle (sorry, can’t remember his name now?), and I’m sure you’ll be a great dog mom 😊

I hope that the trip today is successful and you bring your new puppy to his forever home! 🤍 🫶

Will write some more a bit later…

🫶 🤍 🫶

Hi James,

No matter how much self-help you get, one piece of bad news can shatter your whole world.

Yes, it can. Horrible things happen to people, horrible losses and traumas. But it’s even harder, and even less bearable, if the person is suffering from childhood trauma. Because then we may easily fall apart, not having the capacity to deal with challenging situations. Due to childhood trauma, we have much less capacity to deal with traumas and challenges in our adulthood.

If you’ve experienced such a life-shattering news or event, I’m really sorry, James. If you want to talk about it, please do share, it might help in some way. I also understand if this is something you prefer not to talk about.

Love and Peace to you.

Hi James,

One doesn’t need to be enlightened to be fullfil with Love. If one shared anything and everything with around (money, respect, helping etc…) as seeing others himself or herself, ego automatically dissolves. And that what already enlightened being.

Agreed. So if people here on the forums share helping, i.e. help each other, and treat other with kindness and respect, why don’t you consider it love, but claim that it’s the ego and the lie? Or for someone to be considered a loving person, they need to give away a lot of money? In your opinion, the only heartfelt gift one can give to another is money, because kind words and empathy don’t count?

BTW how do you know that people on this forum are not donating, either their money or their time, for the causes they consider worthwhile?

Love is not to love your family or child, seen everyone and everything as your family and child. And that’s only way to really love something, not conditionally or doesn’t depend on mine or yours.

We can see everyone as our brothers and sisters, our fellow human beings, but we cannot give nurturance (physical and emotional) to everyone on this planet. However, we can do that with those who depend on us and are entrusted to us: our own children.

If every parent would give love and nurturance (including emotional care and support) to their children, this world would be a much better place, because there would be much less traumatized children, and consequently much less traumatized adults.

Caring about one’s family isn’t selfishness. But caring about only one’s own family and looking away when others are suffering, and even harming those who we see as “others” – that certainly is selfishness.

Hi James,

I think you’re knocking on an open door, or perhaps addressing the wrong audience, since I don’t believe that anyone of us here believes that God is in the sky, and that heaven and hell are physical places that one goes to after death.

religions present heaven and hell as distant, as afterlife.

Yes, some religions present it like that, but people on this forum, as much as I could notice, don’t adhere to such a belief system.

Ego is combustible, fragile, illusory.

Totally true. But there is also the true self, the divine self in all of us. Because God created us with that spark. That’s why “The kingdom of God is within you”, as you say. That to me is our divine self, our true self, which is different than the ego. And there are certain qualities of our true self, which are even proven by research and align with spiritual teachings. Those are:

Calm, Curiosity, Compassion, Clarity, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, Connectedness

In the Bible, the 2 greatest commandments are:

1. Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength;
2. Love your neighbor as yourself

Compassion is a form of love. We’re exercising (or trying to exercise) compassion for ourselves and each other on this forum. Are you saying we’re going against God’s Truth?

Therefore, evil is you. You ask why god creates suffering, god doesn’t create suffering, you do.

I personally don’t believe that God creates suffering. I’m always trying to understand how I might have contributed to certain physical ailments that I suffer from. I’m always self-examining and self-reflecting, never blaming God.

Therefore, evil is you, all selfishness, judgement, anger, fear arises as you for loosing the pleasure of the body and mind. Including your family. You claim to own the body and mind therefore related one’s as family, friends etc…

You’re saying that loving and taking care of one’s family is evil? You did say that one’s child should be treated like a tree. Well, even a tree needs sunshine, water and soil to survive. But that is usually provided by God.

But who will give sunshine, water and good, fertile soil to a child, if not his/her parents? Who will feed it, clothe it, love it, console it, emotionally support it? Who will be God the giver of life to a helpless child – if not his/her parents or caretakers?

So, god is not in the sky that waiting for you to punish. But, the Truth that you will face with death that body and mind are never yours or never you. Therefore, with death not even ashes will be left from you.

Perhaps there is such a thing as immortal soul, which remains after death. But even if so, I don’t believe in a god in the sky, who is waiting to punish or reward us in the afterlife. As I said, you’re preaching to the wrong audience.

I love you more than even your family. Because, I am against all you to respect me, support me, telling nic words to be on my side or agreeing me.

That’s sad that you don’t want to be respected and supported. It’s sad that love for you means treating people harshly, telling them that their empathy and kindness is nothing but a lie, that it’s their ego at play, and that it will be destroyed at their deathbed, because it doesn’t belong to God.

I’m sorry, James, that you believe that. However, I also know that our beliefs are shaped by our experiences (specially by our childhood and upbringing), and can be a way to make sense of our trauma, for example.

Adopting a belief system that claims that caring about others is a lie, that it’s not sincere and is a part of the ego, and that we should stop doing any of that “lovey-dovey” stuff and just spill out the “truth”, so people would “wake up”?

A belief system that glorifies harshness and claims that kindness is of the ego?

Because this is how it sounds to me… so I’m inviting you to pause and give it a second thought, and consider: is that the truth, the ultimate truth?

Peace.