Dear Freddie,

I think your concerns are valid, since your partner isn’t upfront about important parts of her life, such as the relationship with her child from a previous relationship. And also about her debts, since you say she used to spend a lot of money. Is she still spending a lot?

So if there are some major secrets that she is keeping, it’s a valid enough reason for caution. Specially since she doesn’t seem willing to talk about it honestly.

I think you shouldn’t go against your key values, so it seems to me you did the right thing when you took a break from the relationship. You said:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left.

So you did try to address those 2 key stumbling blocks: her money spending habits and her relationship with her child. You say you agreed to work on things. What have you agreed on regarding those 2 main issues, if I may ask?

Dear John,

Assuming it is true, any idea what I need to do to fix the problem and what would it actually involve. Therapy of some sort presumably.

I think the most important for you would be to realize that your basic emotional needs were probably not met. And that you’d need what is called reparenting of the inner child.

There is a great video about it on youtube, by Barbara Heffernan, titled “Reparenting yourself.” It gives an overview of what it means to reparent oneself, and what our basic needs are (some of them are self-care, emotional validation, emotional regulation etc).

You can do parts of the reparenting process by yourself, but it would be better to have help of a therapist, someone skilled in working with the inner child or complex PTSD. I’d look for such a therapist, because you said CBT wasn’t too efficient for you.

If you’d like to talk more about it here, on your thread, you’re welcome. I’d be glad to help if I can.

Dear SereneWolf,

when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.

The way I see it is that it depends on her intention. If her intention was to spend time with you, and she’d rather talk than watch a movie, I don’t see it as a big problem. Specially if it didn’t happen often. If on the other hand she tended to cancel or change plans often, without any particular reason, that’s already a problem.

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words!

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this?

Hahaha… yeah, it does sound like a movie title, and believe it or not, there already is a movie with such title (I’ve just checked). But anyway, having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.

That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?

Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Before when my 1st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

Dear SereneWolf,

Yes that what happens!

Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again

Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic 🙂 I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

This is so accurate! Yup definitely!

Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work

Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

I mean few years back when I just started working.

Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?

Dear SereneWolf,

But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients.

Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

But yeah this world needs more people like you

Oh thank you for your kind words!

That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

Well, this is what you said about your communication style:

Silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility

I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me.

This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

Sure, the feeling of love is important, and I guess you have it in you, because you find joy in many things in life. You said it yourself that your inner child is still in awe about life. Which is great!

But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people? Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her”

😀 Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus 🙂 Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus 🙂 ): try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax.

Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

Dear Katrine,

I too (like X) think he uses alcohol, women and drugs to feel better about himself. I really hurts, I have been through a lot and don’t deserve this behaviour.

I know.. unfortunately when people are in their ego, they hurt others. He definitely hurt you with his behavior, because he was actually manipulative, both before you confessed to him, and after. Before you confessed, he behaved like he cared about you, but then it turned out he doesn’t. He was like “no, I don’t see you that way”. Although he did behave “that way”!

And then after you confessed, he started playing those games, as if he still wants to have power over you and keep you pining for him. So, looking back, it seems all he did (and is still doing) is manipulation. And that can be really hurtful, because you like the guy, you have your hopes up, and then it just gets squashed…

I think in this case my avoident naturen served me better, cuz I never gave him the same amount of attention as the others.

Right…but you know what I am thinking now? That perhaps your avoidant nature was a challenge for him (if he indeed craves female attention), and that’s why he was keen to win you over? Maybe he was flirty with you because in the beginning you ignored him (or pretended to ignore him), and he instinctively tried to charm you away and make you his “fan”? Because he needs girls to like him…

I don’t know, maybe I am taking this too far. But it would explain his behavior, which so far was a mystery to me and I couldn’t figure him out. Let me know what you think…

I am sure we will stay in touch. He talked about going back to Brazil in May for a couple of months and then come back here.

I am so glad! You seem to have a genuine relationship, without games and playing hide and seek. I am rooting for you two! And I hope the situation with the head chef resolves soon.

Dear SereneWolf,

I believe we’re getting closer too. Heck you’re even more efficient and resourceful than my current therapist

Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why 🙂

I did share my hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed. Because I’m kind of confident about talking about something that I’m passionate about. And I never felt that they are judging my hopes or dreams just because it’s not same as some other people.

That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.

But like silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility.

Yeah, that part you’d need to change…

Thanks for the positive progress reminders. I think for self-compassion it’s only starting but thanks to mindfulness I’m able to see some progress. Also thanks to you obviously

I am glad you’re seeing some progress! And you’re welcome!

But that makes me think like… Is that why my heart feels in like neutral gear now? I don’t know how to explain because for so long I haven’t actually shared my heart and have a real intimacy. So even though now that doctor girl is good, I still don’t feel like anything much for her. Maybe just a little attraction but nothing more.

Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful. And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Okay…

Right! and that’s really interesting and awesome concept to know about. Love it

Glad you liked it!

Yes I agree. And I think before starting all this I just used to run away from the uncomfortable situations and emotions. But without facing we can’t actually understand the root and heal it. But as I started to face things head on my resilience got better and better and I did overcome some of my past fears. Still have to work on some fears but yeah

Really good to hear this. You’re right – there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, you’re on the right track 🙂