Hi Adam,

Yes she was doing cbt I believe. I will consider the somatic therapy suggestion, right now I think she needs to work through some stuff herself and me suggesting giving therapy another shot would best be done in person I believe.

Yes you’re right, you can suggest it with time…

She was doing well with her tapering

Hm you said in your earlier post that she found the tapering difficult: She is trying to taper off them slowly but was definitely finding it difficult. … I think she was disappointed in herself and not hopeful that she could actually get off the medication after being prescribed for a while.

So I guess she wasn’t that successful with tapering on her own? What actually occurred to me (and it may be a total nonsense since I am no expert), but could it be that since she was taking a smaller dose, her trauma response got stronger when she would get triggered? And also she couldn’t return so easily to that calmer state, where she was open to listening to your explanations and reassurance, and where you managed to convince her you do love her?

So perhaps the reduced medication lead her to be more agitated and less responsive to your reassurance? And that could be the reason why this time she wanted space?

So perhaps this could be the answer to your question: I still don’t fully understand why she pushed me away and didn’t want my help

As I said, I am no expert and don’t know how those medications work, but I am just thinking out loud.

I will post if I hear anything back either soon or in the future. I’m prepared for her to go cold and not respond but I think she will eventually reach back when she is comfortable and in a better spot. It wouldn’t make sense to me if she didn’t.

Yes, please let me know how and if she responded. It’s good you’re prepared for not getting an immediate response, for her really needing space at the moment.

And as we’ve talked before, try not to focus only on her, but on yourself too. I understand you love her and want the best for her, but you can’t “save” her against her will. So take good care of yourself and find something you enjoy.

And you’re very welcome, Adam. Wishing you all the best!

Dear Katrine,

He has always been bad but it’s been getting worse, been using alcohol and more and doesn’t take his meds.

So he’s been suffering from mental problems in the past too, but now he’s not taking his medications and is using alcohol and substances. That’s very worrying, because if he’s been biting people, it shows an aggressive streak. It could be potentially dangerous to work around him…. so yes, you (and your colleagues) should speak to the top manager ASAP.

But it could be that the top manager is still protecting the head chef, and that’s why the internal investigation is stalling?

And our work loads been trippled due to high de and, that none of us can keep up with

Wow, and no new people have been employed? That’s also against the law, I think…

Dear Katrine,

denying someone access to restroom is clearly illegal, specially if he is working a 12-hr shift! That’s unbelievable how this person behaves… I hope he gets stopped ASAP.

But my collegues who works the café have been bitten by him (he did it as a “joke”) I’ll ask them to speak up as well.

Absolutely, they are his victims too, because biting someone cannot be considered a joke under any circumstances. It’s physical assault. I hope your colleagues will choose to speak up and that measures will be taken against the guy. Btw, who is investigating him? Police or just the internal investigation?

Let me know how the meeting went with the top manager…

Hi Adam,

she has been in therapy years ago and she said she didn’t take anything from it and that it doesn’t help her.

What kind of therapy was she in? Usually CBT doesn’t work with sexual trauma. I think it’s better to have some kind of somatic therapy, where trauma is processed through the body as well. So perhaps the type of therapy, or the fact that she was still a teen back then, rendered the therapy inefficient?

I think she should start therapy again, specially if she wants to wean off antidepressants. I have no experience with antidepressants, but the experts say that the best results are obtained when using antidepressants in conjunction with therapy. I imagine therapy could support her while trying to wean off medication. She tried to do it on her own, and I guess it’s not surprising she found it very hard and impossible. So perhaps you could encourage her to try a different kind of therapy, which would finally work for her (and maybe even help her get off medications)?

It was something I could always bring her back from and she always new she was safe during it and told me that I did the right thing every time.

That’s great that you could calm her down and be a safe person for her, during one of those episodes.

She did take certain things the wrong way at first but again always realized I wasn’t trying to bring her down in the end. This was helped by me explaining to her my point of view and making it obvious as I could that I did actually love her.

Alright, so she was open to listening to your explanation and you managed to convince her (at least temporarily) that you love her. But the problem is that it only works for a while, until the next “trigger”, and then it starts all over again. That’s why I think she was tired of going through another cycle of being triggered and then you trying to reassure her – when she knows it doesn’t really help on the long run.

You are probably right as the key thing would be therapy in order to have a higher self esteem and overcome her trauma. That’s all I wanted for her to start feeling better in her own skin. I did have a feeling therapy may be the only way and that’s why I suggested professional help on several occasions.

Yes, it was a good suggestion, and as I said, you may try suggesting that she gives it another chance.

Regardless I just want her to know I am here for support during her journey, however that may be.

I will be sending a card and poem soon so wish me luck. I have kept it from being too heartfelt as I don’t want to push her over the edge.

Good luck with the card and the poem! I hope she responds positively and appreciates your words of support. It’s good you don’t intend this letter as the beginning of another cycle with her, because I imagine she is tired and disappointed in herself and doesn’t have strength for another cycle. That’s why it’s great that you included this in your letter: “This isn’t me asking for the relationship back only offering my support and assistance if you want it. You can count on me even though we aren’t together.“

So, I wish you luck and hope that she will start caring of herself better. And that perhaps you can be a part of her healing journey….

Hi Adam,

I believe she thinks I may be triggering her trauma at times but I have always actively adapted to every time this has occurred, giving her reassurance that I am not actually purposefully doing it.

Can you tell me (if it’s okay with you) what exactly triggered her to leave? What was is that you were doing, albeit not purposefully?

She isn’t fully in tune with her emotions and she is definitely overthinks and reads into every little detail

Could you give me an example of a situation where she was looking into every little detail and overthinking?

I am going to do my best to show her I can offer unconditional love even if it isn’t intimate. But I do want her at the end of the day.

It’s good that you’re clear with yourself: that you would like to have her in her life, even if only as a friend. Although you would like her as a partner, if she is willing.

The message you’re planning to send her is mostly good. I wouldn’t include this sentence: “I have the highest vision for your healing“. I know I suggested it to you (to have the highest vision for her healing), but it’s not something I’d send her.

Also this part: I have started writing many poems and I thought you would appreciate their beauty as well as offer some motivation and insight. I don’t want to overwhelm you but I’m happy to send you my poems and encouragement if that is something you would be open too?

I wouldn’t phrase it like this because it might sound a bit too much to assume that she would find your poems beautiful (unless you already sent her your poems in the past and she liked them?). Instead, I’d simply send her one poem, and then I guess if she likes it, she’ll say something and then you can send some more.

Otherwise it is a deep and heartfelt letter. I do hope she likes it.

Dear SereneWolf,

You haven’t updated me about your health in a while. So, tell me the good news?

Still no good news unfortunately… I am going to see another doctor and look for other treatment options, because so far I had no relief 🙁

Yes, I guess it was one of the reasons I felt more hurt even after reassurance, time and trust it wasn’t enough for her.

Yeah, and it might have even led you to believe that she doesn’t appreciate you enough, because nothing you said or did managed to convince her to open up to you and change her attitude.

We might even feel bad about ourselves for not being successful in “saving” our partner (I don’t know if this was the case with you?) Whereas in reality, their rejection doesn’t mean that we’re not good enough or not important enough, but it is the consequence of their own internal issues. And that’s something we can’t do much about if they aren’t willing to help themselves.

Because I talked to her after a while and I said I’m seeing a therapist, She was bit more enthusiastic about seeing the therapist again

Oh so she started seeing a therapist after you broke up, then she stopped, but now she started again, after you told her you’re seeing one too?

Okay so just a general question. Suppose we go out and take 10 random people and out of those 10 people what do you think how many would be loving themselves as they should?

Hm… hard to say. There was a study in the US, I think, where they said that around 50% of people are securely attached (which would lead to being an emotionally healthy, non-traumatized individual). In other parts of the world, with a more patriarchal society, I am assuming this would be less. I mean, this is just my assumption and I am no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt. But it could be that at least half of the people have some kind of childhood trauma.

But I’m also thinking it’s could be like similar to comfort zone thing? Because I’ve mostly been with girls who had low-esteem so now I feel just more comfortable with them

Well, you spent 3 years being in a relationship that was very frustrating to you most of the times, but still you say it was a comfort zone. So perhaps being with someone with low self-esteem is still more comfortable than being with someone with healthy self-esteem, whom you’re afraid might judge you?

Or it’s like a attraction thing low self-esteem attracts low-esteem?

Well, I think you had higher self-esteem (at least in some aspects) than the girls you were with so far. So you were the “savior” in the relationship, right? You were trying to fix them and help them. You had less problems than them, so to speak.

And it’s a pretty common dynamic. We’re often attracted to people whom we think we can “save”, people who are emotionally unavailable or troubled, but we believe we can finally turn them around. That all stems from our childhood and the dynamics with our parents…

Hmm no, I don’t think that way. I believe that we’re dating now because she chose me and I chose her, That’s a freedom. I don’t care if some guy is trying to steal her from me. If he’s able to steal her from me and actually do then congrats to him but I don’t like to compete when it comes to relationships. I’ll be just trying be myself. If she wants to be in, be in, or out, just happily out. For me it’s like if someone one else capable of steal her from me, it’s making my commitment decision easier for like now I’m sure you’re not the one.

That’s actually a healthy attitude. To not force things if she doesn’t want to be with you. But you said you still get possessive, even if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship (it’s kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I don’t like to be committed I do get possessive quickly).

I guess it’s your protector part that says “If she doesn’t want me, I don’t want her either.” But your emotional part (your inner child) attaches quickly to her and wants her all for himself. So the possessive reaction seems like an inner child reflex in you. But the ego part says “no, I am cool if she doesn’t want me, I am totally fine alone”.

Haha yeah that’s right. I think nowadays I’m doing comparison and get jealous even though I don’t like it

And what should I do about this superior and inferior thing other than try to see all as equal?

When we feel worthy and valuable as a person, we don’t get jealous about the qualities that other people possess. Because no one possess all the gifts and talents in the world – someone is talented in one thing, another person in something else. We are all special and unique in our own way.

So if you feel that she is e.g. more energetic than you, you can appreciate that quality of hers, rather than seeing it a threat, or as something you’re missing. Because you’re happy with your own gifts and talents, you don’t feel deprived. Does that make sense?

And another thing: I think you too are pretty energetic and fierce, considering that you started living alone at the age of 16 and all other things you’ve achieved in your life. So I think you’re not seeing yourself clearly and are selling yourself short. Again, that’s the inner critic that gets activated and convinces you that you’re not good enough. So when you start hearing that voice telling you “look at you, you’re so weak, why aren’t you energetic and fierce as her”, you can tell the inner critic to shut up and back off.

So I think you can do two things against the inferiority complex. One is: appreciate other people’s talents and good qualities because they’re not a threat to you, because you have your own talents and gifts. And secondly, silence the inner critic who wants to make you believe you’re lacking in so many ways, when you’re not.

I’m at my hometown at my parents place and I did noticed that even though his behavior is better with me. With others he’s till same old narcissistic person who think whatever he thinks is right and others are wrong. I don’t know if I should just accept that he can’t change or if I should fight for it even more. Because the thing is that he doesn’t believe in therapy even a bit.

No, you don’t need to try to change him, or encourage him to seek therapy. People like him (similar to my mother) are set in their ways. They don’t believe they have a problem either – it’s more like everybody around them has a problem, but not them. Someone who believes there’s nothing wrong with them and there’s nothing they should change about themselves won’t be open to therapy either. Trying to get them to go would be futile.

What you can do though is stop him from talking disrespectfully to you (if he still does). Maybe you can sometimes disagree with some of his judgmental comments and remarks that he probably passes around frequently. But don’t get into an argument with him. Just express your opinion respectfully, not expecting that he would agree or change his view.

But if you see that that’s futile too, that he starts arguing and you get drawn into an argument, you can spend less time in his company. That’s how you can protect yourself from his critical and judgmental attitudes, even if they aren’t directed at you.

Dear Katrine,

His plan is to not return to the kitchen when he comes back, but to do reception part time and this other job job part time (he can work from home and decide when he works)

It’s a good plan! I am glad he doesn’t want to endure the impossible tempo any longer!

And like you say this is circumstances and not him playing games. He’s always been straight forward and kind, and I see him every day at work, so I’m gonna be as supportive as I can. He did tell me that spending time with outside from work helps him take his mind off of the problems and helps him relax so I’m glad that I can have a positive affect

Yes, it’s great you can stay supportive and make the best out of your time together before he leaves. And it also seems that spending time with you means a lot to him… so you have nothing to worry about, it sounds very promising!