Dear John,

I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser

Do you believe this too – that you are a loser? Because this belief will prevent you from taking any action… What you’d need is self-compassion. Because it could be that the voice of the inner critic is very strong in you, and it adds to the voice of your wife, who is your external critic. So maybe you believe the criticism your wife is hurling at you, and you agree with it (at least partially), telling yourself what a loser you are. Is this what is happening?

Dear Katrine,

thanks for your concern. I too hope there will be some improvement soon.

As for the head chef, I don’t know why they are keeping him if he sometimes goes off his medications and uses alcohol and drugs. He isn’t stable. They could make his stay dependent on whether he is taking his medicine or not. Like this, he is just terrorizing people.

It’s good you’re not directly exposed to his moods, and that your guy won’t be working there any more. But still, your manager’s attitude isn’t encouraging. Btw is 72-hr work week a norm in the kitchen, or something your guy took on voluntarily because he needed the money? Because I think people usually get at least 2 days off with such schedule.

Regarding your previous crush, I understand it now a bit better. He didn’t say that he would write to you, but to your new guy. And you weren’t at the table when he joined. So it can’t be said that he tried to usurp the two of you from having some privacy.

my guy then left to smoke and he just stayed there. I expected him to leave since he doesn’t usually talk to me when other collegues can see.

How come? Because it seems your colleagues know you’re dating…

It’s interesting he wasn’t jealous that the guy you previously had a crush on is chatting with you. Have you talked about it? I mean, have you told him you don’t have feelings for the other guy anymore?

He mentioned that he doesn’t start something unless he is sure that he is really interested (he finds relationships hard too due to trauma as well) it made me nervous but then he kissed me and hugged me.

That’s a good sign! This means he is really interested and he isn’t just fooling around. And he did kiss you even if he was nervous.

 I really really like him and we had a really good time together the day before he left,

Has he kissed you on Sunday too? I mean, are you now officially dating or it’s still unsure?

I am very worried that him being away for that long is gonna make him forget about me. He isn’t a person who text a lot, he’s more in the present. He said that it’s not easy for him to be away from me for that long and that he is gonna miss me.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is playing games. And he told you he is serious about his intentions. And that he’s going to miss you. So I think you don’t have anything to worry about. But maybe you can ask him to keep in touch regularly, so you know what’s going on with him? I mean, if you’re now officially dating, you can express your preferences, you don’t need to hold back so much…

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh I hope you’ll be better. You still haven’t found a good doctor?

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Yup I think I’ve learned my lesson there haha

Good, that’s an important lesson! 🙂

Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times I’m like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like I’m some alien

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isn’t easy.

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now I’m thinking as like people’s strength.

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I don’t even remember when I did that last time.

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesn’t it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I don’t want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So I’ll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesn’t see this as like bowl of water but more like a river…

So last time you said you’re starting to feel that you’re not hard to love. Which is fantastic! Just keep doing that, keep affirming that to yourself.

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

You’ve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. I’m grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Yeah even in work I’m really result-driven. So you’re right I may have adopted his persona. As I’ve told now I’m much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.

Good that you’re aware of this drill-sergeant persona and are learning how to keep it at bay!

But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah it’s true that even though most of the time I’m visiting same places now it doesn’t bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

My job isn’t boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently I’m working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap 🙂 If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently 🙂

Umm I’m not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they won’t stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?

Dear TheltFactor,

I too think it was a good decision that you set a boundary and said No to an open relationship.

It seems you at first weren’t too bothered by his unwillingness to commit and his talk about wanting to “explore” what’s out there. But as the time went by and the relationship got deeper, you naturally developed strong feelings and wanted to become exclusive and serious. He however hasn’t changed his stance (he said he feels no need to “reevaluate”), in spite of deep intimacy and great compatibility between you. Which tells me that he indeed has some fears and blocks, which won’t go away on their own, even if you two have amazing compatibility.

Actually I believe that his alleged desire to explore other women and engage in an open relationship might be a cop out. You said he never went on dates while he was with you (although he was regularly mentioning his fear that there is a better match out there). You also said he is very conservative. So I guess he doesn’t really want an open relationship, but rather, he wants to have his cake and eat it too: he wants the non-committed status with you, while still enjoying the intimacy and great time with you.

I clarified that I do want to be with him but also don’t want to be settled for and cannot compromise my integrity as I know I would be getting hurt more.

I believe you’ve realized that you don’t want to be in a casual relationship any more, even though you agreed to it in the beginning. It’s completely natural that after a year of dating and developing a strong bond, you want to be his only one. You don’t want to listen to his stories about a better match out there – as if you’re not good enough. As if you’re a backup until something better comes along.

I mean, even if he doesn’t really want anyone else, his mind is telling him that he should be wanting it. And I think it’s a defense mechanism on his part, because he for some reason doesn’t want to commit. Perhaps because his marriage failed, or perhaps because he still has unresolved issues with his wife. There is a reason why he separated but hasn’t got divorced – maybe it’s not just logistical, but something else?

In any case, he seems unavailable at the moment – unavailable to fully commit to you. When you tried to pressure him and make him reevaluate, he came up with an even less committal solution, a solution that creates even more distance, which is an open relationship. Which means that his “solution” is to run further away from you, rather than get closer. Which shows how strong his fear of commitment is.

Currently, I am curious what he will say when the time comes but I am also just living my life as always.

It’s good that you’re not desperate to have him in your life. You said you have a fulfilling life, and you also respect yourself enough not to settle for something that would demean you.

You’ve also realized that a non-committed but exclusive relationship is not an option for you either, because it would only hurt you more. I wish you to stay strong and not settle for less than a fully committed, loving relationship!

Dear A,

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day.

Although you’re not looking for comforting words, I think the best place to start is self-compassion. I agree with Peter that it’s easier to make changes if we don’t approach it from the place of self-blame and criticism, but rather, trying to understand ourselves and why we are the way we are…

I have always had a casual approach to life, with no control over my emotions, addicted to short-term pleasure, and doing the bare minimum.

There is a reason why you don’t have control over your emotions… one possibility is that perhaps your parents didn’t know how to soothe you when you were upset, or they didn’t have time to deal with your emotional states? What I am trying to say is that it’s not your fault, but the consequence of the outer circumstances. Addiction to short-term pleasure could be (just as an example) the consequence of the belief that one is a failure, or that they are incompetent, and so they need to soothe the pain of that feeling by engaging in short-term pleasures. Doing the bare minimum can be the result of the same belief…

I am giving these examples to illustrate that there is a reason for why you behave the way you behave. And that you shouldn’t blame yourself and tell yourself you’re pathetic, but rather try to understand yourself. And have empathy for yourself. That will allow you to start the kind of changes that are deep and sustainable, not just temporary.

I agree with Peter that the best is to take it day-by-day. Start with small changes, don’t expect perfection and sudden wonders. Just something small and positive every day. A knee surgery might be necessary, and even if the recovery is long, it will be better in the long run and allow you to return to normal life. You need to accept that, not fight against it. As Peter said, some things we need to accept, because that’s the only way we can go through them and heal.

I’d love to talk to you more about your process and about the feelings that come up, if you’d like to.

Wishing you good luck!

Dear Katrine,

how have you been? Have you talked to the manager? What about your guy – has he left to South America?

Dear Caroline,

Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim.

I am so glad that you’re feeling better, that you’re seeing it more and more clearly and not blaming yourself anymore. Really happy for you!

I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated.

Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

Yes, it seems she saw you unfit because indeed, you were not able to take her in and be her sponsor like her ex was. That’s why you were “unfit”, not because there was anything wrong with you. She was viewing you through that lens and you didn’t pass the “test.”

Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

So she looked and behaved confidently, she wore provocative clothes and make-up, she had tatoos and piercings… Also, she was telling you how unfit you were, while probably sending a message that she is much better than you, more competent, more fit for life. She even laughed at you and ridiculed you for not wanting to try drugs. So she not only looked confident, but also behaved “confidently”, i.e. felt she was superior to you. And you believed her…

While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub.

If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality.

Yes, she would have probably “loved” you if you could have provided for her…

I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

Yes, because as I said, drugs ruled her life. And finding a sponsor was her way of getting what she needed: expensive drugs.

That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

Yes, you thought that one mistake of yours ruined your fairy tale. When in reality, the fairy tale never existed. And you’re right, relationship don’t work that way. We can repair things, we can apologize and repair the damage. But for her, that one missed phone call was enough. But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken.

It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you. And was blaming you.

I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

It’s not too much at all. I am glad to be here for you and help you find some relief…

Hi Adam,

good to hear she’s agreed to therapy.

It’s been very confusing she said she does want to get back with me but doesn’t want me to be in the middle of her own issues for the next 5-6 months. This is how long she thinks it will take to taper off her medication. I offered my support regardless.

When she says she doesn’t want you to be in the middle of her issues for the next 5-6 months, does it mean she doesn’t want you to push her and try to rush her healing? She did agree to therapy, but you say that if she doesn’t go, you’ll try to push her (If I don’t see her taking action on it though, I will push her a bit to go there.). That’s exactly what she asked you to do before… not to push her. And I guess she is still asking you the same?

So be aware of getting into another cycle of pushing and having expectations on her, because that’s what puts you at risk of becoming codependent:

I told her its for her own good and also my own peace of mind.

If your are attached to her making steps towards healing, and you get upset if she chooses not to, or not as fast as you’d like to, you put yourself in a codependent position. Because your happiness and peace of mind will continue to depend on her actions.

I am going to talk about it tonight with my psychologist. The feeling of being rejected and abandoned. I wouldn’t know where too start with this but I am happy to talk about it. I don’t think there is a specific example from my childhood where I felt really rejected and that’s what caused it. Maybe more just feeling like a didn’t fit in when I was younger and that caused it?

There are plenty of scenarios why a child can feel rejected. If you felt you didn’t fit it, that can be a reason. You also said earlier you didn’t want to disappoint your mother – so perhaps you were trying your best not to disappoint her, but still, somehow you felt not good enough? All those could be reasons for feeling rejected now. So yes, by all means do talk about it with your psychologist.

She has opened up to me and been very heart felt and apologetic. We are currently talking and seeing how things go. … I am giving her my encouragement and support still but I have made it obvious that she needs to do the hard work and face it all herself.

It’s good you’re more vigilant, but as I said, make sure you’re not getting into another cycle with her, only now as her friend and “supporter”, not as her boyfriend. Try to detach yourself a little from her healing process, i.e. try not to make it the central part of your life. Something that determines your happiness and how you feel about yourself. So if you could detach yourself a little, I think it would make things much easier for you.