Dear Dafne,

you’re most welcome! I am happy you found my message comforting and that you started to look at your life from a new perspective.

I’ve spent past few days by myself. For the first time I didn’t run away from my own thoughts and feelings but just sat there and let myself feel everything.

Great! I am glad that you spent time self-reflecting, feeling your feelings and staying present with them…. that in itself is so healing, Dafne!

One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection.

Tee, how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?

When we were not loved properly, or only conditionally loved, we fear rejection. We believe it’s our fault that our parents rejected us (which is not true!), and we try everything in our power to be perfect (to say the perfect words, send the perfect text, do things perfectly…) – so we wouldn’t be rejected. I think your worrying about what you said or did is a part of that same attempt – trying to be perfect so that the person (your father) would finally love you and accept you.

You break this pattern by learning to love yourself more… We can talk about the methods how to do it, if you’d like to.

He thought of asking me for a drink but then decided not to as I am looking for something more serious. I told him that I’m also afraid of men as much as he is afraid of women but still would like to try and in the worst case we stay friends. His reply was that he thinks that I deserve someone special and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It all seemed very honest.

Well, in the paragraph above he honestly told you his intentions: that he isn’t looking for anything serious. That’s why he didn’t reply to your text. He also told you that he doesn’t want to hurt you (by his selfishness) and that it’s better you find someone who can give you what you want. And he told you it’s not him.

He also told you he doesn’t want a relationship right now and doesn’t want to be seen with you in public:

It turns out he signed the divorce papers but doesn’t want any relationship right now and is not ready to go out.

However, you still wanted to keep communicating with him, probably hoping that he’d still want something serious, eventually, i.e. that he would change his mind, right? And so you invited him to an exhibition, to which he immediately invited you to his place. Since you said yes, he decided to try his luck again and get to you to have sex with him. So he texted you the same evening to come over to his place. He wasn’t interested in the exhibition, getting to know you etc. He tried to cut corners and get you to sleep with him – on that same night!

By the way, I am sure he wouldn’t have invited you to his place if his son was really asleep in the other room. That was a lie. Same as probably what he told you about divorce papers – this could have easily been a lie too. Because he still doesn’t want to be seen with you in public. So it could be that he is still very much married….

He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.

Here is your proof – he is not interested in any exhibition. He only wants one thing…

I really would like to give him the chance but don’t know how. Shall I just call him and say that I will come on the weekend but earlier? At what point shall I tell him that I won’t accept the casual sex but I can accept a bit of romantic closeness (say it in the car or when I get to his place)? How far is too far?

I understand that you want to give him a chance – it’s the little girl in you who would like to believe that the man she loves (her father) will eventually love her back…. That’s why you want to give this man a chance, even if he clearly told you that he’s not interested in a relationship, that he’s not interested in anything serious and that he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public.

Dear Dafne, this man can’t give you what you want, and he told you so. He doesn’t want to get to know you and see you as a person. He is the antithesis of what you really want… But the little girl in you would want him to be the fulfillment of her dreams… Please, stop contacting this man and focus on healing yourself and your inner child – on giving her what she really needs.

I wanted to see him but my fear was stronger. And my friend advised to go another time, but bit earlier and when the son is not there. Tee, what do you think of her advice? I thought it is better when his son is there as he might be more careful.

I am glad that your fear was stronger. This man would have hurt you. It’s good that you didn’t agree to go, but it wasn’t necessary to invent an excuse (such as that your car broke down). It is absolutely acceptable to say No to an invitation to a man’s place at 9:30 pm. You would have been in the same situation as last time, only now he might have been more insisting. And I am almost sure his son (if he has one) wasn’t sleeping in the other room…

And yes, you’re right, I want a man who sees more than a sex object in me. Someone who is interested in me as a person. Maybe it takes time Maybe he can open up slowly? Is there any way to know?

It’s good that you’re clear on what you want: someone who is interested in you as a person. This man unfortunately is not like that. He is the antithesis of that. I hope you can see that now…

I hope this wasn’t too much to hear, Dafne, but this is the truth. You deserve a man who will really see you and care about you. This guy isn’t that. You deserve so much better, and you can have it too. You just need to do some healing before, so you can stand up for yourself better and not be tricked by selfish men.

Dear Jamie,

you are most welcome, glad I could help.

It honestly amazes me that they did not stopped at criticizing the other people from the destroyed online community, but pretty much everybody else in their lives, too. Now that I’ve actually stop and thought about it over these past couple of days, I realize that they were the type to complain about their own family members, neighbors, people they work or go to school with, and so on. To them, if you’re not also this moody badmouther who hates anything peaceful or joyful, then you’re someone worth criticizing, and… honestly, you’re right. It was toxic. It is toxic.

Yes, it does seem toxic. Because it seems the only thing these people ever did was criticize. They were chronic complainers.

And so no wonder that when you started feeling better about yourself (when I became happier and happier in general… as time went on and I slowly found my self-esteem rising as a result of personal healing), they started attacking you and criticizing you.

Because they didn’t want to do what you did: take responsibility for your own life and healing. They didn’t want that – they wanted to keep blaming the world and outer circumstances. You were a reminder to them that things could be different – if they make an effort. But they didn’t want to, and so they started blaming you.

You said one of them specially resented you because she felt you were more privileged, and so she was jealous of you. That’s really bad when people focus only on what they don’t have, instead of being grateful for what they do have (they felt they had nothing to have gratitude over).

But again, I’m happy we did not worked out ultimately because I don’t want to be as unhappy as they are.

Great! I am happy too that you didn’t make amends with them and agree to follow the “poor me” narrative and blame everyone else…

The thing that helped me most was visualizing myself being able to talk to my younger versions and being like a mother figure to them, since I essentially grew up without one around me (emotionally speaking).

Being a good, loving mother to your inner child is a great practice! If you’re doing that already, I don’t have anything special to recommend. I too grew up without an emotionally supportive mother, so giving my inner child the love and appreciation was what helped me a lot…

I wish I could have figured everything out by now, but sadly life is never that simple or always goes according to my personal timetable.

I get the feeling that you’re still quite young, so you couldn’t have possibly figured out everything by now 🙂 In fact, we learn till we’re alive, so…

I was once the fool one too many times with people who pretended to be wounded just so I could help them, and all so they could take advantage of me in other ways.

I see… you wanted to help people, and then they took advantage of you? Perhaps you were attracted to this toxic group too, because you felt sorry for them and wanted to help them (since they were complaining so much), but then they turned against you?

I’m still not sure on how to look out for predators like that, though I feel more protective of myself naturally now than back then, thankfully.

If you find yourself only giving and not receiving anything, or receiving just breadcrumbs in a relationship – that’s one of the red flags. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to. I am glad that you feel a bit more protective of yourself nowadays…

Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome! I wish you the best possible resolution of this dilemma. Let us know how it went, or if you need some more help.

* a part of you feels relieved

Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome. As Roberta Said, you’re not obliged to anyone to keep in touch with your mother, and I think there is no point in meeting if you have such a strong reaction to her. Perhaps the best course of action is to take a time out – a pause in contact – until you’ve processed some of the childhood hurt and anger that you feel towards her. Your hurt and anger are totally justified, but if you leave them unhealed, they will be a burden for you and continue to contribute to your stress and anxiety.

As a mother myself I cannot in a billion years fathom how a woman could cause their own child to suffer

There is a saying “hurt people hurt people”. That’s how I came to understand my mother’s behavior. My mother was emotionally abused by her own mother, and she simply didn’t have it in her to give me love and affection. She was love-deprived herself. She couldn’t give me what she herself didn’t possess. That’s how I got to understand her and forgive her. But it doesn’t mean I’ll let her insult me and emotionally abuse me any more. I am keeping firm boundaries.

Anyway, maybe understanding that your mother was a hurt and deprived child herself can help you come to terms with her mistreatment? Furthermore, her mental illness incapacitated her to be a loving, caring mother. She probably didn’t even understand how she hurt you and your brother – even in her “sane” periods, when she was back from hospital.

Recently I feel like I am almost mourning the nurturing mother I never had, and so resentful of the one I do have.

It’s good you’re mourning the nurturing mother you never had. However, you can now make up for what you haven’t received as a child. You can give your inner child the love and care she never received from her mother. That’s called re-parenting.

I think the reason you’re so resentful is partly because you believe that you’re irreversibly damaged by the lack of your mother’s nurturance. But in reality, you are not. Your inner child can be reparented and this can change your emotional setup, so to speak. Those unmet emotional needs can be met now (you can do it either on your own or with the help of a therapist.)

I do agree that perhaps I need to learn how to deal with the way I react, rather than expect her to suddenly have a lightbulb moment (or to get OJ from a cow!) as this is realistically never going to happen.

Yes, it’s most likely not going to happen, unfortunately. But if you learn how to re-parent yourself, you won’t need her to have a lightbulb moment and finally become a mother you were always longing for. Your happiness and peace of mind won’t depend on her. And so, you’ll be less reactive to her, less triggered and less resentful.

But circumstances are different now and I guess there’s no harm writing another one. It’s just hard to know what I should suggest – that we don’t see each other at all? That we only see each other when I feel strong enough? I don’t really know where to draw the line.

How about if you give yourself some time to process and heal, which will enable you  to see and feel the situation with greater clarity? Right now, you know you don’t want to continue like before, forcing yourself to go visit and feeling horrible anxiety. But you’re also not sure you want to cut contact completely. So maybe give yourself time to figure out what you really want.

You can write a letter telling her that you are working on your mental and emotional health and you need some time to work things through before you can proceed meeting with her. Or alternatively, you can tell her that as a part of your new self-care routine, you can only meet her in a park for the time being. In the letter, try not accusing her but state your own needs and preferences (and present requirements) calmly.

How does this sound?

P.S. I’ve just read Roberta’s latest post – that’s excellent wording for your potential letter!

Dear Jamie,

So, I thank you for reminding this. To like myself is to then be able to learn how to be intimate with others in a way that is healthy, rather than trying to force something out of nothing, if that makes sense.

you’re welcome. It’s good that you’re aware of your people pleasing tendencies and are working on reducing them. Yes, we cannot really be intimate with others and have healthy friendships if we’re not authentic, if we try to mold ourselves into something we believe others want us to be.

The basis for healthy friendship is authenticity – showing up as you are, even if some people don’t like it. And the truth is that we can never be liked by everybody. Even the greatest people are hated by someone… and it’s not their fault, but the fault of those who are judging them unfairly.

It seems you ended up in this group of “friends” who were quite toxic. In the beginning you bonded over the common sentiment about the changes in the online community you belonged to. You shared that sentiment and joined the “rebel” group, so to speak. But as you say, this rebel group was all about gossiping and criticizing the people in the main group.

You said they didn’t have any interest in creating another online community that would meet their needs. And so all their energy went into criticism and crying about the “good old days” instead of creating something productive:

If losing the community was really that important to them, they would have figured out a way to create a new space for the old community to migrate to.

They’re not stupid people, they could have figured out a way to return to the good old days… They simply chose not to.

They were more attached to the identity of being helpless victims to circumstances, rather than doing something productive and positive.

There are people who are very good at criticizing and blaming others, but are not willing to take responsibility for their own happiness. As you say, this group behaved like helpless victims and focused all their energy on criticism and blame. Eventually, you became their target too… it reminds me of sorority groups or high-school groups, where they like to gossip the people outside of their clique. But as soon as a clique member leaves the room, they start gossiping them too. No one is spared (apart of maybe the group leader), because that’s the kind of vibe there…

I don’t know if that was the atmosphere in your group, but it does seem very toxic.

So, perhaps it’s a good thing that I no longer communicate with them. I don’t want to be like them.

Yes, definitely! You don’t need to be liked by that kind of people. You can never please bitter, criticizing people. You don’t need them in your life.

My issue, then, is split into two new issues now: How do I learn to like myself?

Maybe your lack of self-love stems from your childhood, so you’d need to heal those wounds. Healing the inner child who feels unlovable or unworthy might be necessary. If you want more pointers on this, or you’d like to share a little bit about your childhood, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

And secondly, how do I reconcile with squishing the part of me that wants to people please, in a world that has become increasingly individualist and only caring about people who can be of use to others?

Our true self is loving and kind. And naturally, we want to be loving and kind to people. But not at the expense of our true, authentic self. We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves.

You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries. Because there are people out there who will appreciate your kindness, and so, you can open up to them. But at the same time, you need to protect yourself from those who want to take advantage of you.

Happy to talk to you more about all this… and Namaste to you too!

Dear Lovejonesss,

it does seem this friend of yours gives you a different advice than she herself would do in a given situation. You say she is more of easy going and amicable with people, even if they cross her. She is even friends with all her exes (or at least doesn’t block any of her ex’s numbers).

But when you complain about something that annoyed you, her advice to you is to escalate the situation, to confront the person, to cut contact etc. She advises more “aggressive”/hostile reactions than she herself would do in the same situation.

Your problem, as it seems, is that you take her advice without thinking twice and you do what she tells you. And then maybe later you regret that you were tough on someone, when originally you didn’t even want to be, and it wasn’t even an issue for you (e.g. when the guy you’d just started dating didn’t invite you to his home for Thanksgiving). So your initial reaction would have been cool, you wouldn’t have even noticed that there’s anything wrong about it. But then your friend brought it up and sort of provoked you into overreacting.

My immediate questions to those who may have insight are:
-Why is it that allow this person (my friend) to get me so riled up?

There could be more reasons. One could be that you unconsciously feel obliged to react on her anger – as if you were her. It’s called emotional enmeshment. And it might be due to perhaps your childhood circumstances, when you took e.g. your father’s anger at your mother as your own (perhaps?). This is a wild guess, based on some of the things I read on your previous threads.

So it could be that you take another person’s anger and you act on it. And she does seem like an angry person, since you said she is quite judgmental and sees wrongdoing in many situations (the way she’ll ask questions or do things comes off as judgmental). Maybe she is the kind of person who is always angry and upset about something, but never does anything about it, but just verbally vents. And then you take her anger and act on it… Anyway, that’s one possibility – I am not claiming it’s true, it’s just an idea.

Another reason for getting riled up easily could be that there is suppressed anger in you. It’s not the anger at the actual person or situation in the present, but mostly the anger at what happened to you in the past (in your childhood). And so it’s kind of always there, under the surface, and leaks out easily. So whenever your friend suggests you should be angry – you do get angry and you “strike”.

I don’t know if any of the two above explanations rings true for you?

I am evolving and recognize that I have kind of followed her lead in the past. Perhaps I was uncertain about how to handle things, so I turned to one of the people I felt safe with. But as I begin to become more observant, I realize that I have to set a boundary. It may not be me verbally saying anything to her, but being sure not to take any of her advice unless I am 1000% sure that is the direction that I want to go in. I am no longer going to allow her behavior to affect me, nor will I just go along to get along because it hasn’t served me.

It’s great that you are realizing you don’t need to follow her lead and do what she says. The bolded part is I think the most important – perhaps you don’t even need to tell her anything, but you make sure to think twice before reacting and do only what feels right for you. You don’t need to take on her anger, or agree with her judgments. Stay true to yourself, even if she urges you to react differently.

Or if you decide to address the issue, you can tell her that you noticed that she herself avoids confrontation, while at the same time urging you to be confrontational – and that you don’t like that.

But I think the first task would be to separate yourself from her judgments and opinions, and follow your own.