Dear Sammie,

you are very welcome!

I was in denial about being pregnant as a coping mechanism.

He was passionately against children

I can see why you were in denial. Perhaps it was because you knew he was very much against children and you didn’t want to face the prospect of raising a child alone? And in general, I guess you knew on some level that he was a bad and unreliable partner, so you knew that having a child with him would have been very hard.

Tee, I’m grateful for your honesty. I needed to hear this. He was toxic. He was hard work. I was also scared of him. I could get a bad stomach every time he told me he was on the way to my house. I would be physically sick.

You’re welcome, I am glad it added some clarity. And if you were scared of him – wow, that says a lot! Was he physically abusive too?

He was so lovely to me at times. He took me away for my birthday and planned lovely days out for us. He would do little things like make sure I had medicine. He would tell me he would always have my back and be there for me.

Yes, that’s the worst: the abuse mixed with seeming kindness and care. That’s called trauma bonding: we get attached to the good times, when we felt loved and cared for, and we disregard and minimize the bad times, when we were abused. And we hope that some day, we’ll only get the good times and that the bad times will stop…

I did feel loved at times. What makes it so hard is that at Xmas/NYE, he was so lovely but I think he has already made his mind up to leave. It’s the dissonance of “he seemed to care but he left anyway”.

Yes, he gave you the appearance of caring. But really, he didn’t care. Because at the end of the day, his behavior was hurtful and abusive.

But, before this I was a strong, focused woman. Who I am now, I don’t recognise. But at the start of the year I asked the universe for peace, and then he left. I think I have been gifted this man leaving my life.

I am glad he left your life and that you found a measure of peace. And I hope you won’t take him back, if he comes knocking at your door again. It’s great that you’re finding your strength again: you’ve got yourself a new job, you’ve redecorated your house, you have been going out, and you’re planning to go traveling. That’s all amazing!

A lot of the times, we may be strong in other areas of our life, but in the field of romantic relationship, we suffer. We might have a weak spot for not so good guys. I don’t know what your experience with men was before him, but if you see a certain pattern, it might be worth to work on it and heal it.

I wish you peace and strength and lots of healing!

Hi Adam,

The dreams can vary from things related to games, movies, sports. the dreams usually have famous people in them etc. For example I may daydream about playing in the NBA but it’s not actually me in the dream.

Okay, so is it like you being famous in those daydreams? (although someone else plays you, e.g. some famous actor or athlete?)

I think she really believed that she could share that future with me at first but eventually it did change. Maybe the reality of it became too real and she didn’t want to take responsibility for her life knowing she wasn’t in a good spot for any of what we spoke about.

Yes, very likely. It could be that in the beginning, she was thrilled to have met someone who is super supportive and caring, unlike her father and her exes perhaps. So she was over the moon and felt like she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. But then the reality kicked in, and she realized you had expectations on her, and she didn’t like it… and she started to resist more and more.

Again I always go back to what she said – “Right now what I’d want is to be in your arms selfishly, I say selfishly because I know in the long run it will just cause more harm for the both of us”. It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right. That’s how I feel now also.

Well, it could be that she realized she can’t be the person you wanted her to be. She wanted to be “safe in your arms” – she wanted you to be her protector, who unconditionally loves and has no expectations of her. But she also knew that you do have expectations on her, which she wasn’t able or willing to fulfill. She knew that her position is “selfish” – not able or not wanting to change in the ways you expected it from her.

In other words, I think she was aware that there was a big divide between you, and that you will never see eye to eye.

It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right.

Actually, I don’t think it means she wanted the same as you. I think it means she knew you’re not wanting the same thing. And that’s why she sort of knew it wouldn’t work.

I have been doing my best at trying to focus on my life. Keeping as busy as I can however I have been smoking a bit, planning on cutting down however I need take the steps to do it. It’s like I know how to be my best but I am afraid of taking the steps to start that. I’m sitting on the fence. Almost as if I’m scared to do this journey alone. I think this is another reason I want a partner, I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be. However I don’t do it for myself…

Okay, this sounds like you don’t feel good enough and you feel you need to change (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be). This pain of not feeling good enough is causing you to seek ways to self-soothe and numb the pain. And one way is addiction.

In the past you said you were addicted to weed and other drugs (I was smoking and doing other drugs at the time so my head was very clouded and foggy.) But when you met this girl, you decided to quit and become your “best self”. And indeed, you did your best. It could be that you wanted to prove to her and yourself that you can be a good person (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be).

It sounds like there is a part of you who believes he isn’t good enough. And this relationship was a means to finally prove the opposite. But since it failed, you are back with your pain (of not feeling good enough), and again in need to self-soothe…

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Dear Katrine,

I am hoping too that your talk on Monday will turn out the best and dispel your fears. Let me know how it went… I am rooting for you!

Dear Honey,

I know about it but he lied to me that they are no longer together

Her girlfriend found and said every mean things to me. They are no longer together and he wants to be with me.

It seems to me that they are no longer together only because she found out and broke up with him. Otherwise he would have been still living a double life. Now, when she left him, no wonder he is begging you to take him back and claims that he loves  you. But he would have continued lying and cheating on both of you if he hadn’t been discovered.

So my advice is not to trust this man. He is a liar and a cheater. If he was cheating on his girlfriend, he won’t have qualms to cheat on you some time down the line. He has been lying to you already, so that shows you his character.

I love him so much. I do want to give him a chance but it’s really painful.

You may love him, but you don’t want to be anyone’s fool. And he is trying to fool you now, making excuses why he lied. My advice is to leave him and don’t look back.

Hi Adam,

I told my psych that it hurts because she didn’t understand how I loved her and loved me differently. She replied and told me that my ex would also be feeling the same towards me, that I didn’t love her how she did. It was interesting and also hard to hear that.

Yes, it’s typical that people with trauma require all their partner’s attention and care, because the wounded inner child is leading their life. Your ex behaved like a child, and all children are naturally selfish – they want their parents’ attention 100% of the time. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to survive. So when we are children, that’s totally normal, but when someone behaves like that in their adulthood, it’s a problem.

So don’t blame yourself for not being able to give her that kind of attention that a baby or a toddler requires from her mother. The fact that she was unhappy with the level of attention you gave her doesn’t tell anything about you, but about her insatiable demands, which are the result of her unmet childhood needs.

I think when i just need a mental break it triggers my daydreaming a bit.

And when do you typically need a mental break? Is it after you’ve spent a hard day at work, focusing on what you’re doing? Or perhaps when in a relationship and focusing all your energy on your partner, sort of watching you’ll say, paying attention not to offend her (like it was with you ex)?

Smoking does as well. Movies and just media in general can trigger a feeling of wanting to daydream. They can last maybe between 5 – 15 minutes. When I was a teenager, I would go on walks to allow time for my daydreaming.

Do you remember what triggered it back then? Was it also mental fatigue?

I really felt ready and like she was going to be the one for me. She fueled my fantasies with her comments too. I had that fate and destined feeling straight away with her.

Yes, you felt ready and you wanted to find a girl to settle down with. It was a strong desire in you. When she told you that she too wants to settle down and be your wife, no wonder you felt over the moon. You thought you’ve found “the one” – something you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were a teen.

I think that’s why it felt destined. Because everything fell into place, you believed. You thought your dream was finally coming true. And that’s why you tried so hard to make it work, even if you suffered abuse in the relationship. Because you wanted it to succeed at all costs.

Now I’m worried it will return if she reaches out at any time, and it probably will still be there for a long time. I think it has to do with me being too readily available at times and giving people my all straight away.

With her, you definitely did give your all straight away. Have you experienced it in other relationships too? (perhaps friendships?) Because in your previous romantic relationships, you didn’t really give your all at first (you were avoidant).

I am even worried about getting this destined feeling with anyone not just her as I feel like it had made it so much harder for me this whole time.

Well, if what’s driving you is a desire to settle down and start your own family, and this desire is very strong and pervasive, then it could indeed cloud your judgment and make you cling to people like your ex, even if they’re not good for you.

I feel stuck in limbo still. This week has been much harder than last, I feel as I’m getting worse with time. Work is being affected and I’m very unmotivated, so I am going to take some time off soon.

I’ve noticed fluctuations in you – some days you’re more hopeful and upbeat, others you’re more daydreaming and having thoughts of getting back together. I think this is normal in the aftermath of this very painful breakup. Please know that it’s normal that sometimes you feel better, sometimes worse. But you will get through this eventually, because you’re doing all the right things.

It’s a good idea to get some time off of work, to recuperate. However, try not to use it for daydreaming and smoking weed, because that’s what’s going to make things harder. Being alone with your thoughts and feelings isn’t the best, I am afraid. Perhaps going for a vacation to a new place, a place you’ve always wanted to visit, would be appealing to you?

I have really hoped anything would be different. My biggest hope since early teens was probably to get a girlfriend and then as I left school, I finally started getting them, but I still have not made it to 12 months with a partner. They always leave and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

Well, you’re still learning. You said you weren’t that eager in your first relationships and that both of your exes left you because you were avoidant. So in those relationship you were probably doing something wrong – you were smoking and didn’t care much about them.

Perhaps you sort of sabotaged those relationships because you both feared and longed for a relationship at the same time. So it might have been an inner conflict, which made you wishy-washy about the relationship.

But with this girl, you were ready and you decided to give it your best.

There was a trend where I was always questioning myself with all my exes and my last relationship was the worst for this. She told me once during an argument that something is wrong with me and it really hurt. It made me feel like I was in the wrong and the cause of all issues and arguments.

Yeah, that’s hard to hear. You were trying your best, you gave her a lot of attention, you were caring and supportive, you were there almost 24/7 for her, and yet it wasn’t enough. As I explained above, the fact that she wasn’t satisfied with you is not your fault – it’s her own trauma wounds. So don’t take it to heart. Don’t take it to mean anything bad about you. Because it wasn’t your fault.

I tied everything about our futures together and that’s what I always told her. My priority was my future together, so it’s our future. She would see this as her not being the priority in the moment. She was never able to envision the future like I did.

Because she wasn’t really on board with being a wife and mother, I believe. She was too immature for that. She herself was so extremely needy – how on earth would she be able to meet a child’s needs properly? She might have told you in the beginning that she’d be your wife, because that’s what you felt so strongly about and she wanted to please you. But her heart was never in it. In fact, I bet she was actually afraid of such a task. Because women with trauma and unmet childhood needs often feel very scared and incompetent of being mothers themselves.

What she wanted from you is 24/7 care and attention in the moment, and no expectations about the future. If my assumptions are right, she wasn’t on board with being your wife, simply because she felt incapable of it. But perhaps she never articulated it. And so you kept hoping and pushing for your dream, which wasn’t actually her dream too.

 A week before we broke up it was her sisters birthday, there was a massive argument when they went out for dinner because he didn’t get the right sauce. It reminded me of my ex in a way, like he didn’t get what he wanted so now everyone has to suffer despite being a birthday celebration and it ruined the night. My ex told me he actually said “this is why I didn’t want to go out, because it always ends in an argument”.

Haha, yeah, it always ends up in an argument because he is the one causing arguments! But he didn’t want to admit it, and kept blaming everyone else. Yes, he doesn’t seem like a positive person. He is probably having anger and rage issues, but is blaming others for his explosive behavior. Your ex also wasn’t able to admit her own mistake but was rather blaming you. So perhaps there is a similarity there.

I think all this trauma, unresolved mental health, no desire for therapy, reducing medication without guidelines, no work for nearly 6 months or general direction in life, small friend group who weren’t always a positive influence just to name a few things. One of these by themself is enough to damage a relationship I feel. It was a whole concoction of what I just listed. I just want to be done with all this but I am struggling to do what’s best for myself.

That’s an excellent summary, Adam. You are seeing it very well. It’s good you’re aware that she wasn’t in a good mental space at all to have a healthy long-term relationship. And you’re working on letting her go. But it’s a process, don’t rush it. You’ll get there.

But as I said, make sure you don’t spend too much time alone, smoking and ruminating. Rather, if you take some time off, take a vacation and get to some new vistas. If you have good friends (or one good friend), you might go together with them.

Hi Adam,

Yes she definitely was at times limiting my playfulness as I was worried about triggering her. I don’t think she understood my playfulness fully either.

Yeah, people with trauma and low self-esteem can get very offended, not able to take a joke, even if it’s an innocent one. She probably felt threatened by those jokes, as if you’re saying you don’t love her or don’t respect her enough.

I would say it’s more like losing myself in a daydream than being dysfunctional. It just feels excessive sometimes, like I have to day dream.

Did you notice that something triggers your daydreaming? How long do those episodes last?

I think that is definitely what happened. Smoking was a bigger issue in my last two relationships. I really did give it my all. My first ex I tried fighting for months later and she told me if you fought earlier it would’ve been different. I was the distant one at first and didn’t want to rekindle until later on. That really stuck with me so I got into the mind set of fight before it’s too late

Oh I see. So with your first ex you started caring (and fighting for her) too late, so you made sure you don’t repeat the same mistake again. And you quit smoking too, because you wanted to be there for her fully.

I think it is a right time wrong person scenario. It’s a hard lesson but it’s true, we can’t make people change, even if we do everything we can.

Yes, she was definitely the wrong person. But at least you’ve learned a lesson, even if it was a painful one.

I think I could be attracted to it if I’m being honest, however I’m not sure why. My psych said it could just be a coincidence. I don’t think it’s to do with having less issues but more of a protector role.

Right. Well, she was your first relationship where you’ve tried your best. And this could be because you felt ready to settle down (you said you’ve achieved your main career goals so far, bought a house, and so the next step was to find a partner and settle down). So maybe it’s just that you really took it seriously and wanted to make it work. Maybe that’s the only reason why you were so attached to her, and there are no childhood issues involved.

Let me ask you though: have you ever felt inadequate in your childhood? Have you perhaps hoped (and daydreamed) that anything in your life should be different?

I will do my best to stay away from all things related to her.

Yes, please try to stay away, because really no good would come from trying to get in touch again.

I had an average day I’ve just felt so unmotivated and a bit lonely. I think I’ve cried nearly everyday but I’m coping.

I am sorry, Adam. Your feelings are normal. Maybe you’re lacking motivation in part also because you tied your future happiness to her? So perhaps it’s time now to tell yourself that you can still be happy, and still have the future you’re hoping for, only not with her. You’re stronger and wiser for this experience. You’ve learned some lessons, although painful ones. Things will be fine, and you’ll be okay.

I guess you’re right I was a parental figure but I don’t think I was very similar to her father. And thanks that’s good advice not to message him.

Btw was her father a positive person in her life, or not so much? And you’re welcome. Yes, better not stir the pot unnecessarily and get yourself attached to her again, indirectly.

I have just read Roberta’s message as well. It’s interesting you brought up the hormonal cycle. My ex actually just had a laparoscopy to have endometriosis and a marina removed. So maybe it was possible this exaggerated her triggers. We had a big argument before her surgery also. Not sure if any of this is significant.

It could be that she was more sensitive during some days of the month, however if so, she would have later come to her senses and apologized for her abusive behavior. She would have made the connection between “those days in the month” and her irritability. But I guess her unresolved trauma is what really started her triggers, whereas her hormones only played a minor role.

Hi Adam,

There was never any resentment or hate coming from my sarcasm.

That’s what’s important. You really were just playful and your remarks innocent. But she took it the wrong way.

And I wouldn’t even call it sarcasm, because sarcasm is a form of passive aggression, where we resent something or someone but don’t want to say it openly, so we resort to sarcastic remarks. I think there is always resentment and anger in sarcasm. Yours was more like humor, I’d say. Being funny, making funny comments and sometimes innocently teasing her, but with no bad intention.

I have dark humour as well. I learnt to hold this back early on because of her trauma.

Good, so you were thoughtful enough to curb some of your dark humor. That shows you really didn’t mean to hurt her, but did your best to treat her with empathy and sensitivity.

She also agreed that I am playful however my ex could’ve brought that side out a bit more. I spoke about that balanced feeling where I am not too excited but not unsatisfied. Like you were saying I may have enjoyed the roller coaster of highs and lows because of this.

Well, it seems your ex tolerated some forms of your playfulness, like collecting shells, but didn’t always tolerate your humor, specially if you were making funny remarks about her. So in some ways, she was also limiting your playfulness, don’t you think?

I think it’s easy to notice when my father is “off with the fairies” at times and I think I am also the same. I think my ex saying ‘I didn’t even give her eye contact’ at times was her noticing I’m daydreaming a bit. Little smiles and hand movements is what I also noticed at times that are similar between me and my dad. I noticed as I got older when I’d say dream I would smirk during it at times and I would see this in him too.

Daydreaming in itself is normal, we all lose ourselves in thoughts from time to time and our gaze gets a bit glassy 🙂 But it’s not the same as maladaptive daydreaming, which is a disorder, where the person loses themselves in daydreaming to the point of losing touch with reality and not being able to perform normal daily tasks. It’s a form of dissociation and is usually caused by trauma or neglect.

Would you say your daydreaming was/is dysfunctional, or it’s more like losing yourself in thoughts and dreams about the future, from time to time?

I am an anxious person but I have always dealt with it. I do get a lot of anxiety in relationships I think because of all the egg shells of walked on during them. Partners have definitely made me question my sanity and if it is really me who’s the problem, which has added to my anxiety.

Right. So your anxiety is mostly about relationships, not about other parts of your life? You were with partners who accused  you of being uncaring and/or neglectful. And in the past, when you were smoking weed, you might have indeed been like that.

It’s interesting because this is perhaps the duality you were feeling in the past: on one hand longing for a partner, and on the other fearing the relationship. So perhaps when you were in relationships in the past, this fear popped up (fear of not being good enough?), and so you self-medicated with weed? And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy because clearly, if you’re smoking, you cannot be a caring and fully present partner.

Perhaps in this relationship you dropped your fear of being in the relationship, and you took a plunge with all that you had. You did your best. You were a caring and a fully present partner. But she was not the right girl…

Perhaps the lesson is that even if we do our best, we can’t make the other person to change. But it doesn’t mean we did anything wrong.

I think it is significant in someway, maybe I am drawn to girls who have unresolved issues and feel like I can be a confidante or a savior. I’m not too sure. I only really felt like this with my ex though not my other partners.

Right, with your previous exes you said you were neglectful/avoidant (you smoked weed), whereas with this one, you thought she was worth quitting. But it’s interesting that all of them have anxiety and/or are on medications.

So perhaps you are attracted to girls who are a bit insecure and fragile, and you feel you can be their protector? Or maybe with such girls, you believe they won’t judge you because you have “less issues” than them. But then exactly the opposite occurs: they end up judging you a lot? This is again just an idea that I am throwing out, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.

I told her about my worries for the next few weeks and months, she said if she reaches out you will have to be firm and break the cycle of abuse. She needs real treatment and help which would take a lot of therapy etc. 18 months she said atleast. But she said don’t think about the future and if she does ever approach you work, therapy are a must and who knows maybe there’s an option to reconnect but to not even think of that possibility. Take it as it comes.

Really great advice! I also think it would be very harmful to be in touch with her in any way. Because as your therapist said, you need to break the cycle of abuse. And if you keep in touch, you would sooner or later end up being abused again. Because nothing changed on her side. So yes, you need to stay away from her by all means.

My psych actually explained the cycle of abuse to me and how it works. You have a honey moon stage, then something’s happens, then apologies follow and you make up and end up in the honeymoon stage for something to happen again leading to more apologies. She asked me if that seemed familiar and it really was. Every couple months we were splitting and then going through this cycle. With my past ex it made me realise that the relationship was a lot healthier as we went a whole 9 months and then split but never got back together. My psych also spoke about trauma bonding and made it clear that it wasn’t my trauma that was causing it by rather hers.

It’s also great that your therapist explained how the cycle of abuse works, and about trauma bonding. Yeah, you were hooked to those good times (and her promises), and that’s why it was hard to let go, even if the relationship became more and more toxic, and you less and less of yourself. And yes, it was clearly her trauma causing all of that. Your weakness was in staying and hoping things would change.

I am not sure if this is significant but I forgot to add there were a few times my ex told I treat her like her Dad. However I was completely different to her father. She also said her ex was similar to her father but agreed with me that I wasn’t in a lot of ways very early on in the relationship. Not sure why that changed and she said I treat her like that at times.

Well, you did behave like a parental figure at times, being both her protector and also trying to get her to put her life in order. So perhaps she saw that as patronizing. But if she saw her ex as a father figure too, it might be that she was projecting, or that she was actually attracted to guys who would protect her and shelter her from everything, so she would feel “safe” (which is impossible unless she actually heals the trauma).

I was thinking about messaging her ex just to see what his experience was. Do you think that is a wise idea or I should avoid opening that can of worms?

No, I don’t think it’s a good idea. You don’t know if he would be open to that, and it’s a bit like licking the wounds together – I don’t know if you want to bond with her ex in that way. Specially if you don’t even know the guy.

If you start talking to her exes about her, it would be like you’re still a bit obsessed about her, so it’s not really helping you to move on.

So my advice is no, don’t talk to him. Process everything you have in therapy or here if it helps you, but don’t open that can of worms (very good analogy, btw!)

I just deleted our messages in my phone as I caught myself looking through old messages. She definitely seemed a lot happier and grateful early on. Messaging me during the days and mornings at work compared to blunt and short conversations later on.

Great decision to delete her old messages! The less you get stuck on those mementos of the past, the easier it will be to move on.

Hi Tom,

To be more direct, this may be difficult to improvise in case these challenges that you face is with your spouse- don’t you guys think so?

Yes, it’s trickier if it’s your spouse. You can’t just leave, and besides, maybe you shouldn’t either, but rather see things through a slightly different perspective. Helcat made an excellent remark about different people expressing their love differently. So even if someone is messy and unorganized, they may have other qualities that you appreciate, and other ways of expressing their love.

Even though you say your spouse is the polar opposite of you in some aspects, she still may be a good, honest person, with a kind heart. So instead of focusing on her drawbacks, perhaps you can learn to accept them, and appreciate her for her other qualities.

Of course, everything has its limits, so if she completely disregards your concerns and doesn’t even want to hear you out, that’s another thing. If you feel disrespected in your marriage, that’s a problem.

But if she simply has different priorities, this doesn’t mean she disrespects you. In that case, maybe it would help to talk to her and express appreciation for all of her good qualities, and also ask her to try to be more punctual, because it means a lot to you. So basically, you approach her with a different attitude: that of appreciation and acceptance, instead of judgment and rejection. This might cause a shift in her too, and more willingness to pay attention to things that are important to you.

What do you say?