Hi Adam,

It is a selfish attitude but I also can’t blame her for being selfish. I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind. Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasn’t going to leave but I would always fight. But you’re right her attitude was selfish and she wasn’t very thoughtful of how I would feel. Imagine I told her ‘you treat me like shit’ that would really hurt her and I think she knew what she said hurt me at times. I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight. She always went to the extreme to get that reaction from me though. Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left. I think that’s why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened. I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but this entire paragraph is so-called rationalization: you’re rationalizing why she was abusive to you.

One of those rationalizing thoughts is that when she abused you, she had your best interest in mind: “I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind“. That she hurt you so you would leave, because she knew you would never leave on your own (Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasn’t going to leave but I would always fight.) Which by the way isn’t true because you never left, even if she hurt you badly. It was always her who broke up with you. So she knew that no matter what she says and how badly she hurts you, you’d stick around.

Next, you are rationalizing that she said hurtful things and left, so you would finally start fighting for her (I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight.) Well, she didn’t need to get you to fight – you were always fighting for her. What her intention for leaving might have been is to manipulate you into submission. Because each time you reconciled, you became less and less demanding and more and more tolerant of her moods. You stopped complaining or demanding anything.

Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left

The above is self-gaslighting. You forgot about the 29 “grievances” that you expressed here (and you said it’s not even half of it all), where you explained how miserable you felt. According to those 29 grievances, you didn’t feel happy and loved at all. Towards the end you felt like a shell, you felt like her punching bag.

But you have a rationalization for that too: she used you as her punching bag because she already decided to break up before she told you, so she wasn’t holding back: I think that’s why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened.

In short: whatever abuse she did, no matter how selfish and rude she was to you, you found a rationalization and an excuse for it. So that in your mind, she could remain a loving girlfriend, who has your best interest in mind.

This is how your emotional mind (your wounded inner child) overwrites what actually happened and comes up with a retouched narrative. So that you can keep hoping…

I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.

It seems you cannot bear if the woman you love is displeased with you. You’d do anything to make her happy, even if it’s to your own detriment.

I do want to get that validation and love from her it sucks…

This is related to the above: You would do anything to get validation from your partner, and you cannot stand if she is displeased with you.

The first relationship was when I got out of prison.

Sorry, I didn’t get it: was she your first girlfriend after you got out of prison?

Honestly I think it could have to do with just being my first real relationship. Also I felt bad about how it ended after all those months. I find her very attractive to this day, more so than other exes. So maybe the attachment is there because of my attraction to her as well.

Possibly, physical attraction plays a role too.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m unloveable or not worthy. I know deep down I am a steal and most girls would be very lucky to have me, I say that humbly. I just know I can support, love and bring joy to people especially a partner.

That’s the rational part speaking. Rationally you know you are a good partner. But when she accused you of being selfish, you readily believed her. You believed it was your fault that she isn’t happy with you, and that she doesn’t find joy in the relationship.

So again the discrepancy: in theory you know you’re a good person, but in practice, when in the relationship, you totally forget it. Probably that’s when your wounded inner child takes over, and you feel inadequate and try everything in your power to prove how good of a partner you are.

I am trying to be a good parent to my inner child, only I am getting caught in the bad habits. I unblocked her the other day to look at her profiles etc. I also did a detour past her house the other day as she lives around the corner. Again it’s like I’m looking for a reason to move on.

When you engage in those behaviors, you are not being a good parent to your inner child, but your inner child is actually running the show. Because your inner child pulls you to obsess about her, to hope, to ruminate, to want to go back…

It does feel as though my rational side is being taken over by my emotional side a lot of the time. So my emotional side is my inner child basically?

Yes. I mean, not all of our emotions stem from our inner child. But if we have very strong emotions, which are more like obsession, infatuation, behaving irrationally and often to our own detriment – that’s coming from the wounded inner child.

I have been telling myself everyday I actually need to move on and forget. I’ve been almost angry at myself for allowing myself to be fooled again as well as disrespected. Maybe I should be kinder and just accept that it happened and take it easier rather than shouting at myself. It’s like I’m trying to be my own rational thought and force the idea of moving on and letting go. Maybe I’m going about it wrong?

Well, maybe you are trying to tell yourself that you should move on, but it doesn’t really have much weight. Since the emotional pull is stronger. But you’re right, trying to force yourself to cut off your emotions isn’t helpful either.

What I think might help at this point is to observe yourself: observe both your rational thoughts, where you know she was abusive and that the relationship was toxic and that it would be best to let go. Then also observe the obsessive side, which is stalking her on social media, driving past her house, and hoping to rekindle the relationship.

Be aware of those two sides. Keep a mental distance from both of those sides. Don’t identify with either of them. And don’t judge either of them. And see if anything changes.

I am just so caught up on this feeling. I’m so stuck in the idea that this is what the universe really wanted as well as both of us. I’ve heard the saying ‘if it will be then it will be’ and I genuinely think it will be for some reason, it’s that destined feeling. I can’t help but think we will reconnect and I don’t want that feeling.

You know, if something is really destined, then it will happen, without you pushing. I heard a good metaphor once: it’s like you toss everything in the air, and if it’s destined, it will come back to you. You toss the relationship in the air – you let go of it – and if it’s destined, it will come back.

Which means that letting go is the first step, even if it’s destined.

Hi Adam,

I haven’t seen your last post before posting mine.

I wouldn’t mind exploring your idea on proving to her that I’m worthy.

Happy to do that. I’ve already made some suggestions in my previous post, regarding the inner child. I hope those make sense to you.

I felt alright today I’m trying to keep my head in a good place and be my own reminder that my ex was controlling and manipulating me. The first week was a lot easier, as I approach week 3 it feels as though my thoughts are slowly trying to beautify the relationship more and it’s surprising my rational thoughts at times.

What you said here actually confirms my theory: that your rational part is aware of all the facts and how bad and toxic the relationship was. However, the emotional part is overwriting all of that – and as you say, this comes as a surprise to your rational part.

It’s almost like two entities fighting inside of you: your reason and your emotions. As I said, the emotions cannot be shut down for too long, as you’re experiencing it yourself. These strong emotions I believe are coming from your inner child, who feels unlovable and unworthy. So the idea is to get in touch with your inner child and tell him that he is lovable and precious and worthy. And that there is nothing wrong with him.

Here are some examples of how your emotions/inner child clouds your judgment:

I still think it’s fixable if I’m being honest and it honestly is if the right steps are taken.

I remember her saying she didn’t think I was caring after all this time. That makes me feel like I should still reach out now and show her that I’m still caring

I feel like she did honestly share that destined feeling but it fizzled out a bit towards the end and she couldn’t work through the differences.

It overwrites everything your reason knows, and pushes his own agenda. For example, your reasons knows that she was bad for you: I don’t want to say she was a psycho but it genuinely feels that way a bit and that’s what everyone is telling me. She was toxic, immature, depressed, psychotic etc. these are the things people are telling me now.

But to your emotional part, it doesn’t really matter much. It is capable of forgetting all about the problems and believing that still, he needs to try again.

I hope you can see this mechanism and this battle inside of you. The more you see it, the harder it will be to be pulled into mindless hope. I say mindless on purpose, because when we are under the influence of this strong desire and longing, our rational mind switches off.

Hi Tom,

you are welcome, glad it helped.

No second thoughts on this, absolutely spot on.

Happy to hear that your spouse is a “good, honest person, with a kind heart.”

I would consider my family very supportive in giving me my own space, I do not see that very common especially when you have little kids. I am fortunate to have enough time for the things that I love doing.

What I am also hearing is that she is supportive in giving you your own space. She also respects your need to have time for your own hobbies. All this is telling me that she is supportive (at least in some aspects), tolerant and flexible. Would you agree?

You said you may have a problem seeing the good in your spouse (I might not be seeing the good in them). I hope that you can now see the good qualities that your wife possesses: good-hearted, supportive, tolerant and flexible.

You also said you want your children to be imbibed with the qualities you find important and that you yourself possess: punctuality, order and organization (I also want to be a role model to my kids and imbibe the necessary values and principles that I follow).

I think that besides the qualities you cherish, your children should adopt some of the qualities your wife possesses too. Because both set of qualities are important.

So perhaps if you start appreciating your wife for her qualities, it will not only bring you closer to her, but will also help your children adopt those good qualities that she possesses.

I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best! Let us know how it went, if you choose to have that conversation with your wife…

That’s great that you managed to keep calm and not attack him, but just say that you miss him. Well done, Katrine!

Keep walking and burning that stress whenever you can… yeah the summer arrived, so that helps a lot!

Dear Sammie,

you are most welcome!

Tee, with the denial of pregnancy, I was terrified of telling him. I thought he would leave immediately. I’ve never been as stressed as I was with him

Hm, it seems you felt guilty for getting pregnant accidentally, and because you knew he was strongly against children, you felt you “messed up” and he’ll be angry at you and leave? Did he have anger issues, btw? Because you said: He was the one that was always difficult. He was hard work. I was scared of him.

What you described as him pushing you with full force disregarding your size, or pushing you against the fridge and holding you there, not letting you move – that’s physical abuse, if you ask me. Or at least using physical force to intimidate you. You called it degrading, but I think it’s much more than degrading. Words can be degrading, but this was physically threatening. No wonder you didn’t like it.

Have you told him you didn’t like it or you stayed silent?

I was afraid he wouldn’t be there for me and he proved me to be correct when he disappeared when I was in hospital. There were complications which made me very unwell. I was in hospital while he was in Thailand.

I am so sorry, Sammie. That’s really horrible. You laying in hospital, having complications after having miscarried his child, and he is vacationing in Thailand. Perhaps he told you it’s just too much for him and he needs to get away from it all? Like, he made himself into a victim?

I carry guilt in thinking that perhaps this is what caused the miscarriage

Please don’t blame yourself. I can tell you that my mother was very stressed while carrying me, and yet I was born a healthy child. I think it’s written in the stars, as they say. I am a little fatalistic in this respect – I think it was meant to be like that.

In terms of previous men. Some have been fantastic, caring and respectful. My last good relationship ending because we wanted different things from life. I have an ex husband who ended up being unfaithful but it ended amicably. We were very young when we met and it just ran its course. His error in judgement was not a reflection of the decade I spent with him. Most of the relationship was very good.

I see. So this one is more an exception to the rule. But it could also be that you’re a bit overly forgiving and understanding towards your partners. I mean, your ex husband cheated on you, but you explain it as his “error of judgment”. That’s nice, but I wonder if there is still some unprocessed anger at him?

If you’ve processed it and healed it, then fine – then indeed you are free and no hard feelings. But if you force yourself to be kind and understanding, that’s another pair of shoes. Because you did force yourself to be kind and understanding towards your last ex, who was emotionally and potentially physically abusive. So I am just putting it out there, in case you need to re-evaluate your earlier relationships too.

My biggest issue at the moment is the dissonance in my head between thinking I’m a failure if I don’t have a partner and what I actually want, which is time for me. I think women have a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. I’m often asked “but how are you single?” and this makes me feel like I’m the odd one out.

I have been on some dates and I panic before going out. Then panic if they come near me. However, if I’m meeting male or female friends, I’m absolutely fine.

I understand. You don’t want to be abused again. And you don’t need to, Sammie. You don’t need to force yourself into a relationship. I think your priority should be to heal and completely understand how you were abused and how to prevent abuse in the future. Because there might be some gaps there, where you were blind to some of the abuse, and are only now waking up to how bad it really was.

I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused.

So allow yourself time to be ready. You don’t need to rush into another relationship. As I said above, I think you still need to fully grasp in what ways you were abused, and potentially if you were overlooking abuse (albeit milder) in your previous relationships.

It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners.

I think the confusion about what is and what isn’t abuse, and what you should or shouldn’t tolerate, might be adding to your fear of men at this point. You don’t want to be abused again and it could be that your panic attacks serve to protect you from abuse. It could be that your panic attacks are in fact a defense mechanism and prevent you from getting into another relationship without properly healing.

If you equip yourself with good knowledge and awareness of what is abuse and how to protect yourself from it, I think your fear of men would subside too.

What do you think? I hope my assumptions were not too much and too off the mark.

Hi Adam,

Was there a really big divide from what I have told you? I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her. Ofcourse I am going to have some expectations when nothing changes after nearly 12 months.

I think there was a big divide in terms of what you wanted from her, and what she wanted for herself. You wanted her to get a job and seek therapy so she wouldn’t be so moody and sensitive.

She wanted to stay unemployed (at least for a while), heal on her own, and in the meanwhile, she wanted you to unconditionally accept and “respect” her moodiness and sensitivity.

In summary, she wanted you to meet all her emotional needs: soothe her when she is feeling down, understand and accept her moods, and support her in her plan to wean off medication on her own. And not push her to seek either therapy or a job.

You couldn’t accept it, because as you say, it had been almost a year and nothing changed. She was actually getting worse without her medication. But she didn’t want to be told what to do – she wanted to continue with her plan of “healing” on her own.

You see? What she wanted for herself was very different than what you hoped she would do. That’s the big divide I am talking about.

I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her.

Well, you didn’t want to break up with her, even after being emotionally abused. If you’re completely honest with yourself, nothing was a deal breaker for you. But I think she saw it more clearly, and those differences were actually a deal-breaker, if you ask me.

It definitely does sound possible. I wanted her by my side to grow as a couple and build the foundations of something strong, that was what i always told her. I know relationships are hard work and are never really perfect, I just wanted someone who will stick by my side during the tough times and when we may not agree on certain things.

Sure, a healthy relationship can help us grow, as we go through challenges and tough times together. However, when you say “I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be“, it has a different message to it.

The message I am hearing is: “I am not good as I am, there is something wrong with me. But I can change and show you how good I can be.”

It’s different than “I know I am not perfect, no one is, but I am willing to grow.”

The first would be a message of someone with low self-esteem (“I am not good as I am. There is something wrong with me”).

The latter would be someone with healthy self-esteem (“I am good as I am. There is nothing deeply wrong with me. I am open to improvement though, because no one is perfect”).

I am bringing this up, Adam, because I think you might be suffering from low self-esteem, even though you might not be aware of it.

One sign of low self-esteem is being prone to addiction. Because when we feel bad about ourselves, we want to soothe and numb that constant pain that we feel.

Another sign of low self-esteem might be daydreaming about being famous. You said it’s almost like an urge, you can’t really stop it. And it gives you a relief for a while. It’s kind of an escape. And that’s typical for people with low self-esteem: to dream about being famous, because they feel that’s what will finally make them worthy.

So this is the feeling I am getting about you – that perhaps you suffer from low self-esteem. I did mention it in the past, but you said that no, you do love yourself and feel good about yourself. But after talking to you more, I do believe there might be problems in that department.

What do you say?

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling a bit better, thank you <3

Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I might be too emotional to see the things the way you do. It feels like something is pushing me towards him to help him in his struggle. I just can’t let him go…

I understand the strong longing, Dafne, I really do. I’ve experienced it myself in the past. It’s when we believe that without a particular man (or without a man in general) we will never be happy and fulfilled. It creates a strong longing and desire, which clouds our judgment. The desire is so strong that we cannot think straight. And so we might be craving for unavailable or unsuitable guys, who will never make us happy, who will only cause us trouble.

You said earlier:

I always longed for a loving father and a loving husband eventually. To be honest this feeling was so strong that I can’t live my life fully and it also affects my health badly.

This is the strong longing and desire that I am talking about. It is so strong that it’s ruining your health. And it is also causing you to pine for this guy, who is not really a good prospect. Who can’t give you what you’re looking for. But the loneliness and the unmet childhood needs make you feel strongly for this guy and get attached to him, against your better judgment. That’s why you can’t let him go.

I even spoke with one of our priests as he asked me again if I already found someone to spend my life with. I explained the situation and he adviced me to give it a last shot.

Did you explain that he so far has only expressed interested in sex? Honestly, I don’t think that a good priest would encourage chasing after such a guy. Maybe you only told him that he is suffering after his divorce, but haven’t explicitly mentioned his requirements on you?

He said that I can choose to never contact him again or I can give him a last chance and call him asking to meet just as friends. I should try to call him few times and if he doesn’t answer, to delete him from my life forever. No looking back…

Well, you could of course call and try to get him to meet in public. You have tried that already, and it didn’t work. But sure, you can try once again.

I took your advice about the healing to my heart, and I will do my best to try it and not give up on my life just yet. I do not have many reasons to stay on this Earth if not for the elderly I want to help.

I hear your pain, Dafne. I understand you feel you don’t have much to live for. However, that’s flawed thinking. It is caused by the same strong longing and desire that causes you to get sick without a man. It is when you are hung up on some guy to give you purpose and meaning in life. The purpose and meaning is within you, and you need to dig it out. That will be a part of your healing.

Once you “fill your own cup” and start loving yourself, you won’t be so desperate for a guy. And then, just like magic, you will be able to attract a good, decent man. But not from a place of desperation, but from a place of loving and appreciating yourself.

So yes, please start working on healing your heart. There are many free resources on the net. Anna Runkle is one such resource.

You are so precious and valuable, Dafne! There is so much goodness and talent in you. You haven’t been told that in the past, and that’s what made you wither a bit and start thinking less of yourself. But it’s time to heal that wound and return to your full, beautiful self!

Dear Sammie,

I am sorry you had a miscarriage and that he disappeared soon after that, only to be back 2 months later. He expressed his willingness to be there for you. However, it didn’t last long, because on March 29, he told you he cannot stick around, and he disappeared again (Then on 29th March he told me he didn’t know how not to self sabotage and couldn’t have me in his life.)

I understand your disappointment and bitterness, however the writing was on the wall all of this time. He was never a solid guy. He cheated on you, was lying to you and had been disappearing on you before:

Throughout the relationship he would disappear and come back.

He would routinely ignore me.

He wasn’t very good at only having one girl at a time.

He treated his previous girlfriends really badly too.

At the end he disregarded it ever being a proper relationship despite it continuing for years.

I tried to be lovely all the time and it isn’t fair because he lied and cheated.

You’ve been together, in this strange relationship, for years. You tolerated his behavior and were kind to him and full of understanding. You found excuses for him (I tried to be thoughtful and compassionate as he has family issues and problems with his mum. … He was the one that was always difficult and I was always trying to be understanding.)

His behavior was abusive, Sammie, but you tolerated it for some reason. You were tolerating his bread crumbs, and you believed him when in March he told you he’ll stick around, finally.

I’m just so disappointed that someone who meant the world to me would change his mind so suddenly. Three weeks before he left me, he declared his feelings for me

Unfortunately, his leaving you stranded fits into his so-far behavior pattern. He was doing this all the time. He was never committed, never stable, never there for you. His sudden proclamation of love in March was more of an exception to the rule. His character unfortunately hasn’t changed in Thailand – he remained the same cheating, lying, uncommitted guy.

I am sorry, Sammie, but that’s the truth about him. His proclamation of love was just an episode, which didn’t mean much. Because his character remained unchanged.

I don’t want this on my mind anymore but I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward

If you are confused about his motives, I hope you can see now that his disappearance and leaving you stranded is consistent with his so-far behavior and character. You were confused so far, I’d dare say you didn’t want to see his true character. You were deluding yourself a bit. And I guess he was contributing to your confusing too, with his constant back and forth, the promises he gave you but never saw through.

It feels like bad people always win. It’s not fair.

I am afraid you let him “win”. You let him get away with his sleazy, cheating behavior. You were always kind, compassionate and loving. And he took advantage of your goodness.

But if you open your eyes and see him for what he is, you won’t be taken for a ride anymore. The bad guys won’t win anymore, at least not in your life.

You have the chance for a fresh new start, without this toxic person in your life. The world is your oyster, as they say. But you’d need to develop more self-respect and more discernment, so you don’t settle for bread crumbs. You deserve so much more!