Hi SereneWolf,

Ohh I’m sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. That’s hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and don’t push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.

Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so it’s the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope it’s temporary and not some big setback.

To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I don’t want LDR again.

Does it mean you’ll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?

Your focus in the next period will be very much on traveling, right? But you seem eager to have a relationship too. In my last post, I misunderstood you and thought that by casual, you meant FWB. But you say: FWB for me is more than casual sex.

Which means that when you said:

With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it.

— you meant casual sex, right? Like no strings attached? No games and confusing vibes?

You’ve actually talked about it before, half-jokingly:

If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?

 

I don’t understand what’s wrong in telling “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” Because I didn’t missed talking to her that much.

Well, if you didn’t miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?

she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes.

she have many options so maybe that’s why she be playing games like who wins and I don’t want to be a part of that game

This doesn’t sound like you didn’t really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: “well, who’s stopping you to contact me?” You didn’t express your vulnerability (e.g. you didn’t say “I miss you too”), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.

That’s why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings – not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesn’t feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you don’t like her drinking and smoking and I don’t know what else you object to.

Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel “Crappy Childhood Fairy”, her “Daily practice” exercise).

So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t share those emotions with her – don’t show your vulnerability to her – because she might not deserve it. But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t stuff them down immediately.

You’ve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now it’s time to let them flow – to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. You’ve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.

Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you don’t need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and that’s okay.

And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. It’s something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.

 

Hi SereneWolf,

(just as a side note, quoting is working fine for me: you select (copy-paste) the text you want to quote, and you press the quotation mark button)

How you doing?

I am not doing that well, since some old health issues (knee problems) resurrected again, which have magically disappeared in the last 1.5 years, since I’ve been suffering from back pain. Well now they are back, so now I need to start dealing with that too…aarrgh… I hope it’s temporary though and will get better…

I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

Oh wow, congratulations! I’ve checked the Statue of Unity (didn’t even know about it), and oh my, it’s 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, it’s not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?

no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.

I am glad you don’t mind me being “brutally honest”, i.e. sharing my theory about what is possibly going on for you in a romantic relationship. So basically, a relationship for you means war, not peace (or at least it meant that till now):

I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

You expect to be attacked/judged/criticized, and you prepare for it by putting up your shield as soon as you feel some small conflict or disagreement. And even before you get into a relationship, you count on being attacked (and judged and criticized), and so you want to prevent that by perfecting yourself as much as possible, so you can be “good enough” and not that susceptible to criticism:

Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

This sounds like the imposter syndrome: the belief that you are not good enough, that you are a fake, and that you will be “found out” sooner or later. You mentioned it once with regard to your job, but it seems that it applies to your love life as well.

In fact, maybe your imposter syndrome is slowly weakening in the work setting (you said you feel quite good about yourself at your new job, and that the environment is very supportive too). But it may still be present in romantic relationships?

The core of the imposter syndrome is the belief that you are not good enough. It seems you believe you are not handsome enough and that you don’t have a good enough/well-paid enough job (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise). Perhaps you also believe you are not creative enough (I know I’m not that much creative person)?

So you’d need to work on telling yourself that you are good enough to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, that you can offer a lot, that you have all these great qualities (including empathy), and that you are a catch, not an impostor!

Similarly like you were telling yourself about being a good work force – being an asset, not a liability – you need to be telling yourself about being a good partner. Do you think you can do that?

In fact, you’ve already listed what qualities you value in a partner, so you can check yourself for those qualities…

If I may make two remarks about it:

Honesty & Trust – yes, sounds good, but are you aware that you actually lack trust when it comes to romantic relationships? You don’t trust that the person doesn’t want to harm you. You prepare for war…

Feeling of Unconditional love – hmmm I think accepting the person as they are, without wanting to change anything major on them – would be a better goal. Because it’s okay to have certain expectations on our partner, but also to view them with love and acceptance, not as flawed and in need of change. If we cannot accept our partner as they are, but want them to change in some major way, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Okay, perhaps that can be called unconditional love – accepting the person as they are, without requiring or expecting them to change in significant ways. In short, love and accept the person in front of you, don’t expect them to change 🙂

That’s a principle you haven’t followed in your first and even your second LDR (because you wanted the girl to change). But I think you’ve learned in the meanwhile that it’s not the way to go.

But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable.

So she is similar to you then? 🙂

But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel.

Okay, so she acted vulnerable, expressing that she misses talking to you. But then you came back with a very non-vulnerable response, something like: “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” No wonder it took her 2 days to reply, and it was with some funny video. So she tried being vulnerable, but you shut her down, and of course she doesn’t want to be even more vulnerable, so she starts playing it “cool” too, waiting 2 days to reply and then sending a funny video.

However, if she was trying to indirectly accuse you of not writing more frequently (i.e. not initiating conversations, or being slow to respond), while you know that it’s not the case, then I can understand your non-vulnerable response. Because if she is the one who ghosts you from time to time, or doesn’t reply on time etc, then it would make sense to be a bit sarcastic with her and not fall for her subtle accusations.

So you’d need to see: is she really ambivalent and “changes colour like a chamaeleon”, while you are steadily present and responsive? Or you too are playing games, not wanting to show too much interest – and that’s why she is constantly switching from hot to cold?

In other words: is only she playing games, or you are playing games too?

And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes.

As I said, you’d need to ask yourself: is she the only one who is sending confusing vibes, or you are doing the same?

With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS.

When you say casual, you’re talking about FWB, right? Not committing to a full fledged relationship, but having a good time with the girl?

So would you like to be FWB with this new girl? Have you told her that? Because as far as I know, you refused a regular relationship, but you didn’t tell her you’d like FWB, right? You weren’t really “clear and straight forward”.

Not that I support FWB relationships – I don’t think they are clear and straightforward at all. But still, ask yourself: did you tell her what you really want? And is it what you really want?

That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well.

Hmm. It never happened with you though, because all of your female friendships ended up with the girl finding a boyfriend and sort of “abandoning” you, or at least not having that level of closeness with you anymore. So you’ve never progressed from friends to lovers.

In fact, if I understood well, being friends and keeping it platonic is what enabled you to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with a girl. Because you didn’t feel the usual fear that you feel in intimate relationships. So you could relax and be more authentic, rather than being on guard, preparing for a battle…

and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

Yeah, you were able to open up with girls whom you viewed as strictly platonic. So that might be a catch-22: that you can’t really be open and vulnerable with someone whom you consider more than friends. Because that’s what activates the fear response (fear of intimate relationship) and you go into the self-defense mode.

In other words, it could be that “benefits” trigger a fear response for you, so once you get involved in a sexual relationship, you start being on guard and the intimacy and openness (and lack of fear) that you experienced as “friends only” is gone.

So it could be that FWB wouldn’t really work for you. Actually you’ve tried it briefly with the doctor, but it didn’t work out and you eventually called it quits. I am guessing that even if she let you “off the hook” and dropped expectations about commitment, you still felt the basic fear that you feel in a sexual/intimate relationship, and that’s why you left?

Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her.

Well, as things stand at the moment, your main intention is not to get hurt. And you think you can achieve that by first being in a FWB situation, which will then gradually progress into a committed relationship, if all goes fine.

But that’s a myth. First, because as soon as sex gets involved, it seems that your fear gets activated and you block vulnerability, and with it, the prospect of a long-term, committed, emotionally intimate relationship.

And second, because FWB is not a good form of relationship for a girl either, because most girls want attachment and do get attached if being physically intimate.

The girl might pretend that she doesn’t want a committed relationship, and that it’s all cool for her, but she actually does care (like the doctor did) and is getting hurt in such a relationship.

Or the girl herself has intimacy issues and fears commitment, but in that case, she can’t be a good candidate for a long-term, committed relationship. So for example, if you are planning to find a potential future wife out of the FWB pool, you most likely won’t find her.

You know what they say: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have fun in a non-committed, casual relationship and then expect that it over time turns into a committed, loving relationship that will potentially last a lifetime. Most girls don’t work like that. And you neither, as it seems 😉

So when you say “my intentions are good”, I do think that your fear is governing your intentions when it comes to romantic relationships. And if you fear, it cannot be a basis for any kind of deep, loving relationship.

Your fear cannot be solved (or dissolved) by going the FWB route either – I hope I’ve shown you that it’s kind of an internal contradiction and catch-22. And a very suboptimal solution, both for you and the girl involved.

So… there is only one way to deal with your fear: heal it. If you try to avoid it and work around it, you end up with bad solutions, such as FWB or the sailor approach (just “benefits”, no friendship). None of those protect you from fear, but only add to the pain.

You know the saying: “The only way out is through”. Which means: facing and healing the fear. (I could tell the same to myself, in another area of life. But anyway, no workarounds are possible…)

 

Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you! I am doing so-so health-wise, which does impact my mood. But it’s okay, what else to do but keep on keeping on…  🙂

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me.

Thank you for clarifying, and yes, it’s a complicated situation. But perhaps I can answer one of your questions right off the bat:

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

No, I wouldn’t agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced, and there is no timetable of him getting divorced either. And who gets angry with me when I ask about his actual legal status:

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily.

So he was hiding from you that he isn’t actually divorced. If he had gotten divorced, he too would have received the final divorce papers, not just his ex-wife. So he was messing with you, not telling you the truth, and then using anger to shut you down, so you would stop inquiring. That’s a big red flag. Just on that account, it’s better you didn’t continue the relationship with him – since he was willing to lie about such an important thing.

He also told you that his ex-wife didn’t contribute anything towards the house, i.e. that he was paying off the loan by himself (His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words)). However, she was not living in that house, and was actually renting a place, where she was living with their children (she started renting a place not too far away from him.)

So perhaps they’ve made a deal that he should be paying off the loan on the house, while she is paying for her rent. In which case he cannot claim that she “didn’t contribute anything.” And it is only fair that she is half owner of the house (they both still have the same rights to the house.)

He might have led you to believe that she is financially using him and is unfair with him (He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him.), but that he is nevertheless a generous person and will leave the house to her and the children. When in fact she might be paying for her half of the house indirectly – by paying the rent for the accommodation where she is living with their children.

And they probably made such a deal that he cannot sell his half without her approval. I don’t know what would happen in case of his death – provided that they are not legally divorced but only separated. But it could even be that his half of the house would go half to his ex and half to his children. If so, then in case of his death she would get 3/4 of the house, and the children 1/4.

In any case, I can imagine that she ensured that he cannot sell his half of the house, i.e. that he cannot take the family home from underneath her and the children. In that sense, no new woman would get any part of their house (no new woman in his life will get anything from him). Which I think is fair.

It doesn’t even mean that he is such a generous father, but that his ex-wife made him accept such a deal, for the benefit of the children (and her as well).

On the other hand, he didn’t want his wife to leave the country and take the children, so in that sense, it might mean that he really cares about his children.

Your mother had 2 objections about him, due to which she didn’t want you to marry him:

She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Her first “accusation” of him is actually a positive trait: that he cares about his kids. It could be that it was actually his ex-wife who forced him (e.g. by signing such a contract) to make sure that she and the children are taken care of in terms of the living situation. In any case, I still don’t think that it was a weakness that he “only cared about his kids”.

Your mother’s second objection (that he would never marry you) is a justified one, especially since there wasn’t a timetable for their divorce, so it might have been for an unspecified time. Another problem is that he wasn’t upfront about it – he didn’t want to talk about his divorce and would get angry when you asked.

He wanted you to sign a cohabitation agreement and in it, give up the right to his house. Which in itself wouldn’t be such a big problem. But what are you getting, i.e. how would you (and your possible common children) be protected with only the cohabitation agreement in place?

I am not familiar with cohabitation agreements and all that legal stuff, but it seems unfair for him to protect his first wife and children maximally, to the point of not even legally divorcing her, and then have almost like a second-class, lower-rank relationship with you, in which you don’t get the same status and the same rights as his ex-wife. In which you are demoted to a “cohabitation partner” indefinitely.

Maybe I am wrong because I don’t know what the cohabitation agreement entails (maybe it does protect common children?). But since he was hiding the facts about his divorce, it is likely that you wouldn’t have the same rights as his ex-wife.

So in that sense, I think your mother was right when she discouraged you from marrying him. As I said, simply the fact that he was hiding important details about his divorce is enough of a red flag for me.

In terms of your fear that you would be used as a servant to him and his children, perhaps there wasn’t an immediate danger of that, since you said that the children only spent every second weekend at his place.

I helped him to look after his small kids (they stayed with him every 2 weeks).

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his.

Originally, the children stayed at his place every 2nd weekend, which doesn’t seem like such a big burden. But then they did move closer to him and started spending more time with him, and he might have thought it would be convenient to have someone to take care of them. But it didn’t seem like his main motivation from the start, since originally the kids spent only 2 days in a fortnight with him.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

He insisted to see your mother’s place – perhaps to see what kind of real estate you have and maybe to be sure that in case of separation, you do have a place to stay (what some advisors suggested as a possible explanation of his interest in your mother’s house). Perhaps he needed it to be able to jot down the cohabitation agreement? Like, this is yours, and this is mine – and it shall not be mixed. I don’t know.

Or perhaps he didn’t like that your mother is opposing your relationship – since he wasn’t willing to legally marry you – and he didn’t want to have that kind of family situation. Since you said he is quite close to his family and was frequently consulting with his sisters. I can imagine his family helped him with the loan for his house too, since you said he was unemployed when you two met.

Anyway, I don’t know his motivations to insist on seeing your mother’s house, but he was certainly much more pragmatic and practical in his approach, rather than idealistic:

He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me.

Even if he might have liked you, the practical circumstances were very important to him, so for him, it wasn’t true that “love conquers all.”

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

Yes, your fiance did what was right in terms of protecting his children and their mother. Your mother didn’t appreciate that aspect of him, but as I said, it’s a positive trait.

Your father unfortunately didn’t possess that trait, and your mother didn’t manage to stand up for herself and force him to ensure some kind of financial support for you and herself – if he already abandoned you physically (and emotionally).

It seems that his second wife was more demanding and managed to ensure a house for herself and her daughter. So she stood up for herself. Because I can imagine that your father wouldn’t have given her much, if it was up to him.

It is interesting that your mother still requires you to be kind to your father, although he never treated either you or her kindly. He was and is mean to you. But your mother is defending him and is his enabler. And she didn’t recognize that your fiance possessed one quality that your father didn’t possess: willingness to do his duty and take care of his children.

It doesn’t mean that your fiance was super generous – perhaps it was the ex-wife who forced him to do what is right. But nevertheless, he didn’t shy away from responsibility. Still, the question is how he would have treated you and your possible common children, in a situation where he is already burdened by a mortgage and will be for a foreseeable future.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions.

They might be paying 50/50 for the house, so that part might be true.

Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

Well, that house is their common property, and probably his ex is very careful not to have anyone “occupy” it and lay claim on it. It would be nice that you can visit and stay the night whenever you want, without needing her approval, but she is the owner too and she wants to be consulted.

So I kind of understand her (cold) stance, but I also know it hurts you to need to ask for permission to stay with your dad. You are treated like a guest, because unfortunately that’s not your house, even if it is your dad’s house in half.

And I know it’s not a good feeling. Your father didn’t care about ensuring a home for you, and your mother wasn’t strong enough to make him fulfill his responsibilities (has she ever claimed any financial support from him while you were a child?). And so now you are a guest in his house, unfortunately.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Yes, I am familiar with the “Law of Attraction”. I don’t know about frequencies, but yes, we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents, because we want to get love and validation from them – from someone who reminds us of our neglectful or abusive parent. Our inner child is still longing for that love and validation, and so we look for people who are similar to our parents.

Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)?

You can do a lot to stop being attracted to selfish men, by being more respectful of your own needs and wants. Respecting yourself more. Not settling for breadcrumbs.

I don’t know selfish your fiance was, but the fact that he wanted to keep you in a cohabitation relationship for an indefinite time and possibly never marry you isn’t a good sign. Also the fact that he said his wife didn’t contribute anything to his house when in fact she was probably paying for the apartment she and the children were staying at – tells me he is lying and being dishonest.

Whenever you feel that the person is hiding things from you – important things that you should know about and that can impact your future – you don’t need to accept it. Demanding truth and transparency is also a part of self-respect and taking care of your needs. You don’t want to settle for a guy who is hiding key information and then gets angry when you want to know the truth.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

No, I don’t think you should contact him, because he wasn’t honest with you, he was hiding important information from you. So no, please don’t contact him, because that would mean lacking self-respect and agreeing to accept an uncertain, unfavorable living situation, and a dishonest guy who might not have your best interests in mind.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same.

Oh so the breakup has to do with it? I guess you lost enthusiasm and fell into a kind of depression? I do hope you can start nurturing yourself again and doing things that bring you joy and aliveness. Because that’s so important for your healing!

The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

How does she behave when she drinks? Aggressive? Or she falls asleep and “switches off”?

As I said, if she starts blackmailing you, you can tell her that you’ll need to report her to the GP because she might be dangerous to herself or the dog, especially since she has a drinking problem. So you blackmail her right back.

But please don’t fall for her blackmails – I still think those are just empty words!

Lots of love and strength and determination to you, dear Dafne! <3

 

Dear Paradoxy,

Yes but it seems highly exaggerated….

Maybe it seems like that for you, because you don’t want to believe it… because it would hurt a lot to believe it.

But I don’t find it hard to believe it, because she is someone who after only having known you for a short while, and very superficially, suggested that you could be her pretend husband.

If an attractive girl, after having learned that you’ve never been in a relationship, tells you to pretend to be husband and wife – what is it other than bold, crazy and… exaggerated? In fact, that was even more that exaggerated: it was rather shocking. It was quite a shocking statement to make. And incredibly seductive too.

So she was not only seductive, but bold (daring) and exaggerated in her attempt to seduce you. So I don’t see it as contrary to her personality, at all…

That is some bs cause a 10 year old girl inspired the melody for one of my songs, there is no way people can assume that I am a pedophile just cause my song was inspired by a child.

Didn’t you say it was a girl from your university class? And that you are starting to feel infatuated with her:

I really think that I am an idiot ngl, cause I think I am starting to have an infatuation for the girl that inspired me to make the song, the song that my ex was pissed about and accused me of cheating on her.

So it wasn’t some 10-year old after all…?

It sure would be better than saying that I AM INTERESTED IN HER, even if B chose not to believe him. She would have kept the theory to herself but the guy gave her the confirmation needed for her to start a fight with her stupid theories.

I’ve already explained that a narcissistic person is not interested in facts, but in winning and making the other person guilty. Remember she asked him whether you are cheating when you didn’t answer your phone because you were sleeping? That’s where her mind goes immediately: to blame and accuse, even if the other person is innocent.

If she indeed saw a chat about this girl that you are infatuated with and wrote a song to – then there is no argument to convince her of the opposite. And besides, maybe your guy friend really thought that you were interested in the girl – because you were? Because you yourself said you were infatuated by her?

At least speak the truth about me instead of making up foolishness.

If you wrote a song for a girl (not a 10-yr old, but someone in your class), and you are infatuated by her – is it a foolishness to believe that you are interested in her?

Like I told u before, the cheating theory existed even before I made the song. But it was just a theory that held no evidence so she only brought it up once when the guy told her that I COULD be cheating. Now that theory resurfaced cause of the song but the original seed was planted by him.

You still don’t understand how a narcissist’s mind works: she wanted to accuse you, and she will find anything to accuse you. She even thought that you were cheating when you didn’t pick up the phone in that incident.

The narcissists tend to project the things that they are guilty of (e.g. cheating) on others. So the “original seed” is in her: the suspicion, the paranoia, the tendency to accuse others. He only poured some water on that seed by saying “yeah maybe he’s interested in that girl”. And let’s face it – you yourself said you were infatuated… so perhaps he wasn’t even lying.

Yeah I am working.

Good to hear that…

But that’s the thing, he barely knows anything about me now.

Good that you’re not confiding in him at this point.

He has changed from how he was in high school. He has slept with like 20 women already and sleeping with them on rotation and though I don’t think B flirted with him, I am pretty sure she made him feel comfortable enough to talk about deep/intimate topics, enough to make him comfortable enough to hit on her as well.

Yeah, that’s a very likely scenario – that she made him feel comfortable to talk about relationships and open up.. . because they started their communication by talking about the relationship between you and her. So it was a natural progression, I guess.

But I wouldn’t exclude her being flirty either – perhaps not openly flirty like sending pursed lips photos, but more like sweet and agreeable, so that she can paint the image of herself as a kind, sweet person – and win him over.

I am being villanized by him now cause I had chosen to open up to him about what happened in January but now he is saying that I shouldn’t have told anyone about what happened in January and I shouldn’t have left B (“cause its not her fault”) and now I just feel sick to the bottom of my heart cause of everything that is happening.

So you are in touch with him at the moment? And he is accusing you of confiding in him about her prostitution? And he is blaming you for leaving her after she admitted she’s prostituted herself?

If so, she managed to turn him against you and present herself as the victim…

I don’t think I care anymore. I just want to be on my own now. Just bottling up all my feelings and never let anyone know what I go through. Feel like I should just maintain a professional relationship with him, cause he has definitely changed from who he was before and I am not the type to support him as he goes around sleeping with a bunch of people and doing foolishness.

Unfortunately it seems he betrayed you too – after having been manipulated by her. She managed to sell him the lie and win  him over. :\ He became her flying monkey, so to speak (someone who parrots the narcissist’s lies and is on their side). Yeah, so if he became her flying monkey, and is blinded by her lies, it means you can’t really be his friend any more. You need to let him go.

I am just tired of everything. Wasting my energy for others. I wanted a real friend. But I dont think I will ever get that.

Ehh Paradoxy, I am sorry you got such a bad luck with your first ever romantic relationship. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is much worse than being in a normal relationship. And the breakup is much more difficult too, because these people can’t just let you go – because they always need to win. They are antagonistic and can’t bear that things are not going their way and that they need to bear the consequences of their bad behavior (like she has to now – by you not wanting to take her back). So she is making it difficult for you – much more than someone who is not narcissistic would do.

I am sorry you’re going through this, Paradoxy. And she has turned your friend against you too. Oh and btw: you said she used to complain about your choice of friends. Well, that’s another typical feature of narcissists: trying to isolate the person from their support group, so they rely only on the narcissist and their opinion. If she was criticizing your friends, that’s probably what she was trying to do.

Unfortunately, now she managed to win one of your friends over to her side, which is a pity. But if he is someone who likes to sleep around, I can imagine why a hot girl, who pretends to be sweet and innocent, can mess up with his head…

I wanted a real friend. But I dont think I will ever get that.

This was a very difficult period in your life, and it’s still ongoing – till you stop all contact with her. And stop being sensitive to her lies. You need to do a lot of healing, to heal the core wounds that made you tolerate her and allow to be manipulated by her (and doubt yourself) for such a long time.

Once you start healing, you’ll get better at recognizing toxic people like her. And you won’t fall for their lies and manipulation.

You’ll also find real friends. Don’t think this is forever. But it’s normal that for now, you prefer solitude, because it’s safer. There is a youtube video about it: Finding solace in solitude after a narcissistic relationship, by the same therapist I’ve mentioned earlier: Dr. Ramani. I strongly suggest watching her videos, because they can explain why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.

 

Dear Paradoxy,

I just need to make myself stern and cold and only talk to her when she says the money is ready. That is the only solution rn.

Yes, that would be the best: to avoid the entire ATM game, and tell her to let you know when she has the money ready. It can be a monthly encounter, where she gives you $100, in which case you’d need to meet her 4 more times.

Dear Paradoxy,

recently when B was talking to him again after reading our conversation, he told her that I was interested in someone, when I actually wasn’t, and she assumed that I was interested in that person for months and she assumed that I was breaking up with her because I was cheating when I actually wasn’t. She thought I was just pinning to blame on her to break up with her so that I could be with someone else. But none of that was true. I was never interested in anyone else. But the false information that he fed to her led to this conclusion.

Let’s slow this down a little: she accused you (falsely) of cheating, not necessarily because she really believed you cheated on  her, but because a narcissist will use anything to accuse a person, even if it’s a complete fabrication. Don’t forget that she was accusing you left and right, even for major transgressions on her part, such as prostituting herself. She also accused you of “crucifying” her, when you simply wanted her to be faithful and not lie and cheat on you.

So her accusations are malevolent, arbitrary and unjust: there is no base for them, and yet, she is doing that, because that’s one of the narcissist’ tactics to wear down the victim and assert control and power over their victim. Because every normal person wants to defend themselves against false accusations, and try to prove that they didn’t do the awful thing that they are being accused of.

But with a narcissist, it’s a futile attempt, because a narcissist is not interested in the truth but in winning over you, in making you feel bad about yourself and them feeling superior to you. Even having moral superiority over you, when she is clearly the lying and cheating party, while you are innocent.

Because of that, there is no point in trying to defend yourself to her, because she will never accept your arguments – because she is not interested in facts but in feeling superior and in control of you. The more you defend yourself, the more you are entangling yourself in her web, and the more powerful she feels.

Your defending yourself and arguing with her is one way you give her narcissistic supply. Because she is getting energized from those arguments and you are exhausting yourself in the process.

Remember how you felt 3 months ago? Completely exhausted, worn down, ruined (your words), with no energy to study. Well, that’s because she drained all the energy out of you, in those endless arguments in which you tried to explain to her that what she did was wrong, or that she is hurting you, or that it’s not your fault that she prostituted herself etc etc. And yet: none of your points reached her. She was like a brick wall and kept accusing you again and again.

You see? That’s her tactic to control you an wear you down: false accusations.

I know all that, but she thinks that these are just my excuses to pin the blame on her because she thinks I was cheating on her.

As I’ve just explained, she might not even think that you were cheating. But she is using it to control the narrative, and the narrative is the one in which you are the guilty party and needing to defend yourself to her. And there she has you: caught in her web.

No the relationship was already endangered by then, but I am trying to get a peaceful resolution and this dude is feeding her with unnecessary things behind my back???? I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

There cannot be a peaceful resolution with her, in the sense that she is finally happy with you and gives you back your money and you both go on your merry ways, separately. No. She will never be happy with you unless you choose to be her servant till however long she finds appropriate. She will make you feel guilty and make you “pay” – literally by giving her money and by doing whatever she tells you to do (such as buying her $80 perfumes).

She will make you pay and serve her purposes – that’s the only way she will be “happy” with you. And as soon as you object, she will attack you and accuse you of being a horrible person. Or she will start pitying herself and whaling about her sad destiny and that if you don’t help her, her life will be ruined blah blah blah. She will use emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping, if you dare to say no to her requests.

I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

No, dear Paradoxy, SHE is the reason she is continuing to fight with you. That’s her modus operandi, a way to keep control over you. The chat she stole from you is an endless source of attacks on you (a goldmine, actually), which she will be using for as long as she can provoke a reaction from you. Your friend’s slip-up is just another excuse for her to attack you and torture you.

And btw, why would it be even your fault that your friend is hitting on her? But still, she finds a reason to turn it against you, to make you feel guilty, so she can keep a moral superiority over you and then…  extract the “pay” from you.

What I am trying to say is that even if he weren’t hitting on her, she would still be fighting with you. His behavior only gives her more “fuel” to fire those false accusations and arguments.

And keep in mind that she might have contributed to him hitting on her, by flirting with him and portraying herself as the innocent one in the conflict with you. But of course, she is not showing you their entire conversation. Only the “incriminating” part, which she is happily using to accuse you further.

Apparently she can’t access the website? And she wanted to deposit some money into her account so she needed to go to the atm for that. And it was in the night and the place we live can get dangerous at night.

Haha, she can’t access the website, for days…. yeah right. And then she needs to go to the ATM late at night. Yeah, the only time of day she can go. And then of course, what else but to ask you to accompany her? Right?

No, Paradoxy… honestly, I think she is using it as an excuse to meet with you and try to seduce you back into the relationship. Because you said she wants to lure you back in. So she is playing a “damsel in distress”, needing to go alone in the dangerous night… and she has no one to turn to but you… and so you are her prince charming, who saves her. And she is so happy and maybe even shows some gratitude, and acts sweet… in hope that you might change your mind and accept her back.

Am I right in assuming that she is acting very sweet on those walks to the ATM? Because if so, those are her attempts to lure you back in…

Besides I can’t have her death on my conscience if something did happen since she was leaving in the middle of the night.

Nothing happened to her at those pool parties, where she was dancing almost naked, when you two weren’t dating yet. So don’t worry, this girl is more than capable of taking care of herself – if she wants to. And if she doesn’t… well, you trying to save her from herself is like trying to save an addict from heroin. It’s impossible. You are not responsible for her safety, and besides, she doesn’t have to go to the ATM late at night. That’s just her excuse to meet you…

Yes I saw her account balance and it was roughly 60$. What else am I supposed to do other than wait patiently until next month? She promised to pay then. I can’t let go of this money.

First, why don’t you come up with a plan to pay you back in installments, e.g. $100 a month? I don’t know what’s your laptop worth, but I guess not more than $1000? So that would be 10 months.

I know that with a narcissist, they don’t stick to any kind of commitment, so even if they promise, they will find excuses not to pay you back. But still, I think it would be good to have at least some plan – some form of commitment on her part – rather than her not even trying to save up. Because as it is right now, she will pay you back never. BTW, how much did she already pay back, if I may ask? 10% of the amount she owes?

I can’t let go of this money.

You may have to. Are you counting to get back only the laptop money, or also some of the investment money that she promised to give you back? Because I think you can say goodbye to the latter – she’s not giving that back, even if she promised. As far as the laptop money, perhaps the best way would be to get a summer job and earn a thousand bucks and that’s it. Much easier than waiting for her and letting yourself be humiliated and manipulated in the process…

This woman is now asking if I could buy her an 80$ perfume as “a gift” for her. This woman is craaaaaazzzzyyyyy I swear. The audacity is insaneeeeeee.

Yeah, glad you see it. But she is not crazy. She is narcissistic. And her behavior is called entitlement. She believes she is entitled to receive such gifts and get whatever she wants (even from people who shouldn’t have any responsibility for her upkeep, such as her ex boyfriend). And she is using every possible tactic to extract things from people, such as blaming, guilt-tripping or playing a martyr…

Not everyone falls for her tactics, but those who are empathic and/or those who believe they are a bad person (like you – who are both empathic and believe you are a bad person) unfortunately fall for her bait. You are a perfect victim for her, i.e. a perfect source of narcissistic supply.

No acceptance as in controlling my emotions and not allowing her to trigger me.

What you are doing now is agreeing to everything she wants (or almost everything) and playing according to her rules, without resisting or raising your voice. So total submission and obedience. You believe you are doing it only for a while, till she gives you back the money. But I hope you understood that her goal is NOT to give you back the money, but to keep you as her source of supply for as long as possible. She doesn’t want to let you go, but to keep you attached to her.

So what is a better strategy then? I agree that fighting and arguing (and trying to defend yourself in the face of her accusations) wouldn’t be a good strategy. So it’s good that you are trying to reduce that, because that’s only depleting you and energizing her.

However, it’s also not a good strategy to give her whatever she wants, such as taking her to the ATM whenever she pleases, or believing her empty promises – that she would give you back the money, even if she doesn’t have the slightest intention to start saving.

You should realize that she doesn’t want to give you back the money, because that’s when she would lose the narcissistic supply (both emotional and financial) that she is getting from you.

If you know her true intentions, you’ll be able to adjust your strategy better. Because right now she has you on a leash, and she doesn’t intend to drop that leash, if she can help it.

I didn’t want to be cold to her, but I think that is my only choice right now. I am not letting her fool me anymore.

Yep, you’d need to change strategy. Gray rocking is one possible method. We can talk more about possible strategies, but you’d need to realize whom you are dealing with: a very tricky enemy. And it won’t be easy to disentangle from her. But you need to first want to. And then come up with the ways how.

With regard to your friend (your first question), I’ll reply in a separate post.

 

Dear Paradoxy,

Your hypothetical story is possible, but I find it very difficult to believe that level of extremity.

Well, what is true is that she did start accusing him about something he said in that chat she stole from you. And it is also true that he started defending himself. I can imagine that they continued the conversation, and she told him her version of the story and that she was actually your victim.

She told you the same in her letter that you’ve shared here. It was a typical narcissistic “oh poor me” narrative, where she kind of acknowledged that prostitution was a bad choice on her part, bur then also accused you of making her prostitute herself. And of “ruining” her in general. So she used the typical “I am the victim/martyr” narrative with you, and I don’t doubt that she told the same story to your friend too, portraying herself as the victim.

The rest of my hypothetical story might be an exaggeration, but I am pretty sure he warmed up to her in these past 3 months, and didn’t see her as such a bad person any more. That, coupled with the fact that she is hot and is posting her modeling pictures on social media:

she had been posting her modeling pictures on her status too so I am not amazed he got intrigued

he texted her first regarding her modeling, and then proceeded to make the move

and the fact that he likes to sleep around:

He even broke up with his long distance gf cause he wanted to be sexually satisfied by other women instead of waiting for the girl who actually loved him.

… all probably contributed to him starting hitting on her.

So there is a backstory to his move, I am sure. But she of course didn’t share their entire chat history with you, but only the part where he made the move.

I am referring to the times when he told B that I could be cheating without her knowing and the time when he fed her with more false information, which made her believe that we were breaking up cause I was cheating instead of breaking up over her cheating.

And are you sorry? In fact that was the only time she broke up with you, thinking you’re with some other girl, when in fact you were in your room, sleeping. But you quickly reconciled after that, so no big harm was done. But what about all the other breakups that you initiated because of her bad behavior? Because of her lying about her ex? Because of her wearing revealing outfits and posting it on social media in spite of promising not to? Because of her prostituting herself?

All that didn’t endanger your relationship, but that one occasion where she asked your friend if you were cheating (so she came up with the paranoid thought first), and then he decided not to dissuade her – that’s what endangered your relationship?

Really?

I asked another guy friend for his opinion and he said not to confront him cause it might ruin the friendship and it’s best to just keep my guard up around him.

And your friendship is not already ruined? I think it’s never a good idea to play into a narcissist’s game: she telling him lies about you (and him believing, at least partially), and now she almost certainly hiding key pieces of their interaction, and making him seem like the only guilty party and a traitor. While she is pulling the strings.

Obviously I haven’t been allowed to move on yet cause she keeps calling me once in a while and tells me stuff like to take her to the atm, and I ask her if she would give me my money if I take her there and she says it depends on how much she has on her acc, so I walk her to the atm in the hopes of getting the money, only to find she barely has money. Every time she calls me, I take the call in the hopes of getting my money and she is leading me in circles with that trick.

Oh so you even have to take her to the ATM? She doesn’t have online banking, so she doesn’t know how much money she has?

And then once you get to the ATM and she sees her account is almost empty, she sheepishly says “oops, nothing there. Can’t give you back today, sorry”. And that’s it? You’re buying it?

Every time she calls me, I take the call in the hopes of getting my money and she is leading me in circles with that trick.

Well actually, she’s making a fool put of you. First, she would know how much roughly she has. I mean, she should know it – before she calls you. The fact that she is dragging you to the ATM and then acts surprised that she doesn’t have the money, and basically stands you up and you go back empty handed, is beyond humiliating.

And even her nonchalant attitude that she’ll give you if there is enough money there – shows that she prioritizes her own expenses and isn’t even one bit concerned about giving back what is yours. It’s like “first I’ll buy everything I need for myself, and then if there’s something left, I’ll give it to you.” But of course, there is nothing left over – she spends everything on herself.

But as I said, it’s not just the fact that she is super selfish and entitled, and doesn’t care one bit about paying you back. It’s also her attitude where she is making a clown of you, by making you go to the ATM with her and waiting like a puppy for a treat, and then getting nothing.

Yes I am working on that now. Teaching myself acceptance.

Acceptance to be treated like a clown?

So even if I play it safe, I wont get my money?

No, with this attitude of hers, and you accepting it and tolerating it – no, you won’t get it.

I dont want to enable her, but it feels like i need to in order to get my money. Yk, to deal with a narcissist u gotta feed their ego until they are satisfied enough to stop bothering you.

A narcissist is never satisfied. They can never get enough of narcissistic supply. Which you are proving to her in abundance – both by financing her and by putting up with her sh*tty behavior. You are her perfect source of supply, and she isn’t going to let you go easily.

Yeah I am working on learning how to deal with a narcissist. Hope it works.

Unfortunately, you are going about it the wrong way.