Dear Anita,

you’re very welcome!

When I first read Copilot’s use of the word love in that context, I felt a deep sense of discomfort. It puzzled me—calling abuse any form of love feels like a distortion in itself. As you so beautifully put it, that kind of language blurs boundaries that must stay clear. Your phrasing—relating or parenting in distorted ways—rings true to my experience. It preserves the integrity of what love is meant to be: safe, nourishing, affirming. Anything less shouldn’t bear the same name.

Yes, I think so too. Actually, I think Copilot (or any other AI model, such as ChatGPT) can be rather tricky, because sometimes it gives us the answers it thinks we want to hear. I’ve noticed it with ChatGPT that if I formulate my question in a way that it contains in itself an assumption, it might give me an answer that is skewed to conform to that assumption.

It’s almost as if my assumption (which might be a false one) limits the spectrum of answers that ChatGPT is willing to offer me, and skews the answer to fit my assumption! Which I found rather unsettling, because I want the facts, not some “hallucinations”, as they call it, or some skewed opinions that AI thinks I want to hear.

I might be wrong about Copilot, since I’ve never used it, but if it’s similar to ChatGPT, maybe it “sensed” that the thought of your mother not loving you is a painful one for you:

Anita: She didn’t love me, did she? (tears in my eyes)

Maybe that’s when Copilot chose to describe her behavior as “love, but not in its truest form”. And then, when you probed further: “was it love in any form?“, it proceeded to offer the possibility that it might have been a flicker of love and a longing to connect, but that she wasn’t able to show it properly. Finally, it concluded that “some people love in distorted ways: through control, through harshness, through silence.”

I don’t know, this is just a speculation. But it could be that it gave you an answer that it deemed more acceptable to you. Eventually, it did “correct” itself and gave a true definition of love. But this little “glitch” might have been caused by this feature of wanting to give a pleasing answer.

Sorry for harping on this, but I did get disappointed in AI, or at least, I’ve experienced its limitations, so I’m now much more cautious about using it.

When my mother did things that seemed loving—like cooking my favorite meal, or walking a long distance to get me a cake I loved—it confused me. In some ways, I almost wished her behavior had been consistently bad, so I wouldn’t have to feel so conflicted.

Do you think those acts were expressions of love, at least in intent?

Hmm… I think she wanted to look like a good mother. And for her, a good mother is a mother who sacrifices herself, who almost acts like a martyr. Walking long distance to get you a favorite cake is a martyr-like behavior. And I can imagine that she was later telling you how sacrificial she was, and how this is a proof that she loves you so much, right?

I don’t think she did it in a calculated, conscious way, but that she had the need to feel like a good person, and doing those “acts of sacrifice” made her feel like that. It was for her own ego, I think, for her own sense of goodness. I might be wrong though.

And yes, that’s very confusing, because those “acts of kindness” do seem like love and care. But they always come with a price, where she might blame you later for not being grateful enough, or as a proof of how much she loves you.

But the thing with narcissistic mothers is that it’s very hard to be grateful and feel their love, because most of the times what we hear is criticism, put-downs, and the message that we’re not good enough. We might even feel guilty for not feeling grateful for their “acts of kindness” when in truth, we can’t be grateful for the abuse that we’re experiencing on a daily basis.

Anyway, I think their “acts of kindness” or “acts of sacrifice” might be more about showing how great of a person they are, and not so much about truly caring and wanting to make their child happy. So yeah, I think there is a selfish motive underneath, although they might not be aware of that.

Dear Anita,

this is my second attempt at replying 🙂

So you’ve asked me on the other thread to read your conversation with Copilot on the relationship between narcissism and toxic shame. I have, and I think Copilot did a very good job 🙂

I like how it says that even though we might have compassion for the narcissist – since their behavior may have been caused by a trauma – we also shouldn’t minimize our own pain and the negative impact it had on us:

Two Truths Can Exist Together: She might’ve been wounded, overwhelmed, defending herself unconsciously. She also said something that was cruel, harmful, and untrue.

Copilot also says what I’ve heard from experts on youtube that narcissists live in their own distorted reality and never fully acknowledge the harm they are doing to others:

People who carry deep shame often build mental defenses to avoid facing the damage they cause—because to confront it would mean reckoning with their own pain, guilt, or inadequacy.
So she might’ve sensed it… but shoved that knowing into the background. Made excuses. Told herself stories like “I’m just trying to help” or “She’s too sensitive.” Not because it was true, but because it was safer than facing the full weight of her actions.

Even if they know their actions might not be the nicest, they always find an excuse. If nothing, they will say “he/she is a bad person – they’ve deserved it.” In their own mind, they are vindicated, because they were “harmed” and the other person is “bad.” Very black-and-white and even childish thinking.

Regarding your conversation on love, Copilot says that what the narcissist claims is love isn’t love really, and I agree with it:

Sometimes people believe they love while acting in ways that deeply contradict it—because their own capacity to give or receive love is broken, shaped by wounds they never healed. What you received wasn’t love in its truest form.
Anita: “What you received wasn’t love in its truest form.”- Was it love in any form?
Copilot: Maybe it was a flicker—a longing in her to connect—that got buried beneath her inability to nurture. Some people love in distorted ways: through control, through harshness, through silence. But love that’s warped ceases to be recognizable. It’s like trying to water a plant with poison and calling it care.

In the second part of the above section, Copilot says: “Some people love in distorted ways: through control, through harshness, through silence.”

I personally would rephrase it as: “Some people relate to others in distorted ways. Some people parent in distorted ways.” But this parenting or relating to others cannot be called love. In my book, love manifested as abuse isn’t love, even if the abuser calls it love.

Copilot says the same, actually:

if her love didn’t feel like love… it’s okay to name that. Love should be nourishing. It should protect, affirm, and build. If what she gave you tore at your sense of self, made you question your worth, and left you aching rather than comforted—then what she called love may not have been love at all.

Here is something that I don’t necessarily agree with, at least not the way it is phrased:

And here’s the deeper truth: You weren’t just “any child.” You were you—sensitive, perceptive, deserving of tenderness. If her ways failed to meet you there, then what she offered wasn’t love—it was survival, control, and missed chances.

Well, any child would be hurt by your mother’s actions. Every child is sensitive. Every child is deserving of tenderness. So it’s not that you were especially needy, and therefore you didn’t feel her love the way it should be felt. It’s rather that you were a normal child, with normal needs, and she didn’t know how to meet those needs.

However, I do agree with Copilot’s conclusion (and its overall message):

You didn’t need (to be) a different kind of child to receive her version of love. She needed to become a different kind of mother.

Yes, definitely! And I hope you can accept that about yourself: that her inability to love you and give you what you needed doesn’t have anything to do with you, but with her own deficiencies.

But it also means that even though you might have compassion for your mother – since her own childhood was a traumatic one – you don’t need to carry a hope that you could heal her or make her aware of her own wounds to the point that she would want healing.

Unfortunately, narcissistic people are very resistant to the idea that there’s anything wrong with them, that they have any kind of vulnerability or weakness. So I think that any attempt to talk to her and “help her see” would be a futile one. The only way forward is to let go of the need to change them and make them into the loving parent we needed as children.

Dear Eva,

I’m really sorry for how you were treated throughout your relationship and the way he finally left you. I feel your pain. And I’ll start at the end:

I really cannot accept the situation as it is and say okay, BYE now. I keep fighting and fighting, and still everything is worse.

I feel your frustration. You want him to understand how much he has hurt you and how little he has given you. Now that he has broken up with you so suddenly, you’re fighting for an admission and a recognition on his part that he has done you wrong.

But I’m afraid you won’t be able to get it from him, because he sounds to me like someone with narcissistic traits: selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of remorse, and shifting the blame on you every time you expressed your concerns.

You say that in the beginning, your relationship was good:

Even though it was a complicated situation, we continued to see each other for years because it felt good — there was chemistry, understanding, and a genuine connection.

I guess “good” is a relative term, since he kept your relationship secret for quite some time (actually for the entire span of your relationship, if I understood well?). But perhaps in the beginning you were more tolerant because it was a somewhat delicate situation, since he was your ex’s friend. He felt he would be judged by not only your ex but his whole friend group (at least that’s what he’s told you as his excuse), and so I guess you had understanding for him and were patient at first.

But I can imagine that as the time went by, you felt increasingly unhappy about this arrangement and started voicing your concerns. No wonder, since you wanted a real relationship, not to be kept in secret from the world: not only from his friends group but from everyone (He hides me from everyone, even people not connected to my ex (friends, relatives…)).

You were in a rather humiliating situation, and you had every right to protest. But each time you spoke up, he flipped it back on you:

He always manages to flip it back on me — my reaction, my emotions, my tears, the way I speak or write… Every time, he finds a way to twist it so that I’m the problem. He’s never once apologized. Never taken responsibility. Just blames me for my reactions to his actions.

He never took responsibility for his actions, his selfishness, his constant rejection of you and your love. Instead, he blamed you. That’s a typical narcissistic tactic: accusing the victim of being the abuser. This tactic is called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. So he was the abuser – he was emotionally abusing you – but he portrayed himself as the victim of your abuse. He flipped things on their head.

And I haven’t done anything, only fighting for me to feel better, and addressing those feelings. And still, even with that, he proceeds to act like I am the problem, so much paranoia, constant fighting, constant whining, etc.

You only wanted to be treated with minimum respect. However, he denied you that and accused you of being paranoid, constantly whining, fighting etc.

I really cannot accept the situation as it is and say okay, BYE now. I keep fighting and fighting, and still everything is worse.

Unfortunately, with people with narcissistic traits, which he seems to fit pretty well, fighting them never yield results. You will never manage to get an apology from him or an admission that he did something wrong. A narcissist can never admit they are wrong. They have to defend their fragile ego. And so the more you fight, the more he will accuse you, and the more mean he will get. And you will end up getting even more hurt.

I’m afraid you can only start healing when you stop expecting anything from him – any kind of apology, empathy or understanding. You won’t be able to make it right with him. But you can heal and make it right in your own life – separately from him – when you discover your own worth and how much more you deserve than the breadcrumbs he was giving you.

He was telling you he loved you (in the beginning of the relationship, later not even that), but those were just empty words, because his actions didn’t follow suit. What he gave you wasn’t love – but as Anita said, none of that was your fault, but his own abusive personality.

You do need healing, but the silver lining in all this is that you don’t need anything from him to heal. It is in your own hands. Your happiness is in your own hands.

Dear Genesis,

I’m not sure if you’re going to read this, but I wanted to chip in and share my thoughts.

Your husband has been quite deceptive, because he never spoke openly with you about his dilemmas about you, and then he “confesses” them much later, when you’re already married. Or you have to hear from his groomsman on your wedding day that he was unsure if he should propose. Which must have been horribly painful – it’s not only completely insensitive from the groomsman to say such a thing in front of everyone (makes you wonder what kind of friends your husband has!), but also, for you to realize he wasn’t sure how he feels about you and whether he should marry you. Which is a huge betrayal and deception on his part. And humiliating as well.

How did you react to that public “revelation”? And what did he say in response?

More recently, he told me it wasn’t until after we got married that he felt truly connected to me and attracted to me. That hurt, because I thought we were both fully in at the time.

That’s another very hurtful “confession”. Even if he had his doubts in the past, but has resolved them since – he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Because it would only hurt you. A sensitive person, someone with empathy, would know this. And would never say such a thing.

The question is why he is doing it. Two options come to mind: one is that he has some internal insecurities (such as avoidant attachment style, which Anita mentioned), and he is sort of sabotaging the relationship because a part of him wants out.

Another, more worrisome explanation would be that he has narcissistic tendencies and does all that to put you down and make you feel insecure. That he is doing it on purpose to erode your self-esteem.

Your self-esteem has already suffered a lot due to his actions:

there are things he’s said and done that have deeply wounded me … the pain still resurfaces, and I feel like my self-esteem took a hit I haven’t been able to recover from.
I’m carrying so much pain and confusion.
I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I was never fully wanted, or that I’ve been deceived more than once and will continue to be deceived.

His words were indeed hurtful, and do require not only a sincere apology, but also an explanation of why he said what he said. Because it’s not just some insignificant little thing. Being insecure about you, and then still proceeding to marry you, shows something about him. Has he healed that? Has he faced himself? Do you feel he has changed? Or his apology is just performative and he keeps hiding things and/or surprising you with more hurtful “confessions”?

We decided we would not have children a few years ago. After about 1-2 years into that decision, he shared that he probably wants kids and thought that I would change my mind eventually. Since then he said he’s decided he does not want kids… but it’s hard to trust him.

It could be that he told you what you wanted to hear, and was hoping that you would change your mind later. But that’s deceptive. If he had admitted that he wanted children, and your preference is not to have children, then perhaps this might have been a deal breaker for you. But like this, he made you believe you two were compatible in this major life decision – and it turns out you’re not. And that the decision not to have children might not be his preference. In fact, he is vacillating again and changing his mind.

It’s almost like you believed you knew who he was, but he’s not that man. He’s not whom he portrayed himself to be. And that’s very unsettling.

I feel that he conceals things as a way to avoid conflict. He did the same thing after losing a significant amount of money day trading in the stock market…that’s a whole other thing.

It could be that he was afraid of conflict in this particular case of losing money on the stock market. However, not being honest in crucial moments of his life, such as getting married, and crucial life issues, such as having children, is more than simply the fear of conflict. I think there is more to it.

I do hope you’ll be able to get to the bottom of this, and also be able to restore your self-esteem.

How are you feeling at the moment, Genesis? Is the couple’s therapy helping?

Dear Confusedasf,

I’m so happy that you’re feeling better and resolved to work on yourself, go on “dates with yourself” (very apt term, btw!) and explore the world through new eyes. Sounds like a great plan – I’m excited for you!

Yes, he never blamed me on anything, also never said his relapse was because of us fighting/breaking up or anything related. He is a very nice person with his own family/career struggles and also alcoholic families. I feel very bad for him, as a kind, nice person, he deserves better life than this and I wanted to help really bad, but now I know i can’t help or fix anything. He also never blamed me for leaving, by the time we ended things, he said: “I’m surprised you put up with me for so long, you should look out for yourself more.” and he also told me how badly he wanted to have a future with me, that’s also part of the reason he stressed out a lot because he wants to provide.

Yes, he does seem like a good person, with lots of self-awareness, and willingness to take responsibility for his own actions. I do hope that with time, he will give himself a chance at healing and turning the page in his life.

I think I’m less confused now, because the direction is quite clear. I will work on myself until I’m ready to date again, then I will see if my heart still goes towards him, if so I can’t fight with myself, i will make a move. If not, then I will start exploring again

Sounds like a great plan! I truly hope you strengthen your connection with yourself and then decide how you feel and what to do next. And I fully trust that you’ll do it, because girl, you do sound determined. And unstoppable! 🙂

But yeah, as Anita said, be patient with yourself, give yourself a lot of compassion. It will take time, but you’re getting there…

Wishing you all the best on your solo trip(s), and if there’s an update, or anything, I’ll be happy to read.

Good luck and Godspeed! <3

Dear Confusedasf,

you’re very welcome! I’m happy you’re feeling better now than when you first started sharing <3

I’m just happy that he’s doing okay, and I’ve kind of moved on with my life. …really wish him the best, and hopefully, he can get back on his feet soon and have everything he deserves.

This is so emotionally mature of you – not holding any grudges against him and wishing him all the best.

we had this conversation towards the end of the relationship where he told me on a scale of 1-10, he trusted me & felt safe with me at 9. That’s also probably why, after we broke up, he still had the strength to tell me how much he misses me. But I never felt that level of trust or safety with him. I had so much doubt after breaking up, so much self-doubt, doubt of the relationship, wondering if he loves me or not, wondering if everything is just me being delusional. But he told me directly and raw about his feelings soothed my mind and my heart deeply.

That’s good to know. It seems he didn’t have a problem with you – he probably understood that you’re not asking too much of him (e.g. to meet regularly and spend time together). However, he had/has multiple other issues in his life, which he doesn’t know how to handle well and then he resorts to drinking, and that’s his downfall.

He probably has enough self-awareness to admit that. It doesn’t make it any easier on the relationship though, because as it turned out, it’s hard for him to function with that level of stress and a drinking problem. But at least he’s not blaming you for leaving him.

Also, kind of stopped being paranoid about him moving on or having lots of doubts about us. Because I do believe whatever we had is real, just none of us are capable of having it, tho, it doesn’t make whatever we had any less real.

That’s also an important realization. You did feel love for each other, and a lot of compatibility, but due to emotional issues on both sides, you couldn’t make it work. Specially issues on his side, with him isolating himself from you and resorting to drinking when under stress.

I’m grateful that he is so straightforward about his emotions,even tho he has a hard time expressing his struggle, but he always tells me how much he loves me and misses me.

Yeah, it seems he has trouble expressing his fears and worries, and the reason, as I said earlier, could be that he doesn’t want to upset you. But also it might be his style – not being able to share his struggle openly, but feeling the need to suffer alone (and then self-medicating). That might have been his pattern since childhood. Anyway, he seems to be aware of it and not blaming you, but only having kind words about you.

Things start to get busy, and I’ve started to challenge myself by not reaching out when I freak out or feel anxious. I’ve also started planning a solo trip so that I can be alone without relying on anyone. Not easy, I’d say it’s hard. therically, I know what’s the “right” thing to do, how to regulate it, but again, it’s really hard to transfer that into action, and without a person to test it out, I highly doubt if I’d “Relapse” or not lol. Again and because of this, I know none of us is ready.

That’s great that you’re challenging yourself not to reach out to him as soon as you feel anxious. You’re challenging yourself to become more self-reliant and break those old patterns. Which is great! But it’s okay to seek help, which you are already doing through therapy and also here.

If you have a good, supportive friend, you could perhaps invite them to one of those trips, because it might be overwhelming to do it all on your own. It’s okay to have support while you’re learning to become more self-reliant.

I don’t mind being the person to make the first move, but not now. I’m not ready personally, I don’t want to push anything when I’m not ready. Maybe in another two months, I feel more confident handling my own emotions and giving the support my partner deserves, I’d reach out with a clear purpose to either open the conversation or close it completely.

That’s a really healthy approach. You need to be more safe and secure in yourself before giving the relationship another chance. You don’t want to fall into the old patterns. Which is super mature of you. Kudos to you, Confused! In fact, I think you’re not so confused anymore, you know what you want and what you’re working towards. You’ve actually got pretty good clarity. And I am so happy for you, and also impressed with you!

Just keep doing what you’re doing, slowly but surely, with lots of compassion for yourself. And keep seeking help and support, like you’re already doing.

If you have an update or anything to talk about, I am here.

Take care! <3

Dear Ada,

I’m glad you feel validated regarding what you’re feeling in this situation.

I meant that he had been friends with this woman for 5 years before we started dating. I apologize, I realize my original post may have been confusing.

Actually, after I posted, it did occur to me that I might have gotten that wrong, because you said “He has had a female best friend for around 5 years, before we started dating.” I guess the comma is what confused me, and I’m not a native speaker 🙂 So apologies for that!

In that case, forget the first part of my post. They did have plenty of time to develop a friendship and have a lot of shared memories. There’s no question about that.

But the rest still stands, I’m afraid.

Sam, on the other hand, is much more keen on keeping in close contact with his friends. He has two male friends that he constantly messages on a daily basis, usually about funny things that happened during the day or video games/politics.

What’s just occurred to me is that texting Sarah on a daily basis or sending her funny cat memes could be similar to chatting/sending stuff to his male friends on a daily basis. It could be that he has the need to share those things, perhaps to get validation/praise about how funny those videos are? It could be that he likes to get positive feedback, which kind of feeds him.

And you’ve already touched on that with Anita:

At my worst, I start to think maybe he enjoys playing the “boyfriend” role to her “damsel in distress” — that it serves as a non-sexual but slightly romantic ego boost and he’s just not aware of it.

It could be that his close connection with Sarah (and other close friends) is about feeling important and receiving positive attention. Being her shoulder to cry on might be not only about him being a good friend who is selflessly helping his best friend, but also about feeling important and valued for providing that help – which might be partially an ego thing. Him wanting to feel needed. Him wanting to feel important.

So maybe he has the need to feel important and receive attention on a daily basis from multiple people. Which would be an ego need. An ego need is per definition selfish, because we don’t care if we hurt our partner in the process of meeting it. We simply crave attention, and we go for it. So this is what could be happening.

If that’s the case, then it would make sense that he wouldn’t be sensitive to your needs, but would only care about himself. True, he did reduce the frequency of his contacts with Sarah, however he still believes you are depriving him of something. He still craves that attention, but claims that he is “sacrificing” himself for you. But at the same he’s resenting you.

And indeed, based on the imagined conversation you had with him in your head, he is very defensive and keeps claiming that your needs are unreasonable and that you’re being ridiculous.

Maybe he indeed doesn’t have any sexual or romantic intentions with Sarah, but still, his need to engage in this type of conversations (very intimate, even uncomfortably intimate, on a daily basis) might come from his ego. Which is selfish and inconsiderate to you.

But he is unwilling to admit any selfishness on his part. He is also unwilling to empathize with you and see your point of view. He is dismissing your concerns. And that’s pretty worrying. It’s not a healthy way to communicate.

I wonder how is the level of emotional intimacy between you and Sam? I mean in other issues, apart from Sarah (which seems to be the bone of contention between you), do you feel that you can share openly with Sam? Do you feel comfortable to share your hopes, fears, dreams, desires? And reversely, is he open and vulnerable with you?

Because it might be just this one area where he is defensive and has a blind spot, or it could be in more than one area.

I imagine this is a best case for such a conversation, where anger doesn’t get the best of either of us, but still we’re unable to make any progress.

Yes, because he is not open to hearing you. He is dismissing your concerns. You cannot reach a compromise if one party is denying that their behavior might be hurtful to the other party. And I can tell you that your concerns are not baseless. You’re not being unreasonable in what you’re asking of him.

I’ve never had success arguing for the role that I think Sarah actually plays in his life, because ultimately only he can know this.

Her role might be actually, as you said as well, a provider of a strong ego-boost for him, so that he can feel needed, important, valued and perhaps get attention.

How can I be communicating better, or should I accept that we have different core values/beliefs about relationships that simply make us incompatible?

If he’s not willing to admit that he has a blind spot, and that his interaction with Sarah might not be completely selfless, I’m afraid you won’t be able to reach a compromise. It all depends on whether he is willing to face himself and be honest with himself.

Dear Ada,

I’ve just read your posts, and I agree with Anita that what your boyfriend has with “Sarah” seems like emotional infidelity.

To me, several things stood out as potential red flags. First, this:

They have been close friends for a long time, they’ve met each others families, they have a lot of shared memories together.

You’ve been with him for 4 years, since 2021. She’s known him since 2020, just one year longer. 2020 was the year the pandemic started, and everything shut down. When did they have time to make all those “shared memories” and for their parents to visit each other, when social gatherings were practically non-existent? Were they hanging at each other’s place all the time? Did he tell you anything about those shared memories with her?

He’s describing her as almost a childhood friend, someone he’s known for a long time, and yet, it’s been a mere one year longer than he knows you. Besides, soon after you two met, you went on a road trip across the country, which lasted till recently. So practically, he hasn’t seen her since 4 years or so.

It’s also weird that in that same year, 2020, he met her, became such a good friends with her, to the point of accompanying her to 2 abortions and being her main emotional support – greater than any of her female friends, which she had presumably known much longer than him.

This entire time span is more than weird to me, and to be honest, raises suspicion.

Other red flags I’ve noticed is him being uninterested in movies and TV shows when you suggested them, but then immediately watching them as soon as she recommended them (“I would recommend TV shows/movies and he’d never watch them, but would watch them as soon as she recommended the same ones“). It seems he cares about her opinion and wants to please her. While he doesn’t show the same kind of care and concern for you.

Or the fact that he didn’t want to apply for a job at your company, but rather chose to work with her (“When he needed to find a new job, I offered he could work at my company, but instead he chose to work with her (it never actually panned out, but I feel the hurt still”)).

Regarding that job situation, you said:

I tell myself he didn’t chose her, he was just afraid of being rejected for a job I referred him to, or that he’s hesitant to take my recommendations because the stakes are higher with me, and he’s anxious. He’d agree with me here, but I still resent him for it.

What do you mean by saying that the stakes are higher with you? Do you mean he would feel under more pressure to perform at your company, than working with her/at her company?

Also, the fact that he is sending her the same funny cat memes that he is sending you is rather disturbing as well. It’s like treating both of you the same – sort of having the same kind of emotional bond (or even a closer one) with her than with you, which is definitely not okay for an intimate relationship.

He is trying to convince you that there’s nothing strange about his relationship with this woman, but the way I see it, that’s not true.

In our arguments he has insisted that he would not mind at all if I wanted to make more emotionally intimate male friends, but this I don’t believe.

It seems he is accusing you of not wanting to be emotionally intimate with your male friends, as a way to justify his too enmeshed relationship with his female friend. He claims that his style is the real friendship, while you are somehow deficient (“he thinks an ideal friendship is one that is emotionally intimate”). And yet at the same time, he was nervous about introducing her, because he was afraid it wouldn’t seem as platonic as he claims it to be:

He was nervous about introducing us because he was afraid I might not view their relationship as platonic as he did.

And that was in the beginning of your relationship, when you didn’t have such a strong resistance to their friendship. Which means that a part of him knew that how they interact (or at least how she interacts with him) may not be seen as purely innocent, like a brother and sister connection. Specially since there was sexual tension between them:

He has admitted that at first there was underlying sexual tension in their relationship, but over time it has faded to nonexistent.

I learned that they met because she thought my boyfriend was attractive and flirted with him. Boyfriend never reciprocated and is adamant she no longer has these intentions, and I’m inclined to believe him, but I feel weird about it.

He is now claiming that this sexual tension (which allegedly came only from her and wasn’t reciprocated) is now all gone. But I wouldn’t be so sure about that, because sexual attraction doesn’t fade so easily, especially if he is such an emotional support to her.

What is for sure is that at the time you were supposed to meet her, he felt anxious because he wasn’t sure what you’d conclude about the nature of their relationship. So there was something off after all – even in his eyes.

Since he is so adamant now that everything is pure and innocent, it could be that he is fooling even himself, not wanting to admit the nature of their relationship. But in doing that, he is also gaslighting you about the nature of their relationship, making it seem like your problem of not being tolerant and accepting enough, and denying that it is actually him who has a problem (e.g. of setting boundaries with her).

As I said, I don’t like his stance of accusing you of being not intimate enough with your male friends, as a way of justifying his excessive intimacy with Sarah.

I’m pretty sure that you’re not unreasonable for wanting some boundaries in their relationship. You’re not unreasonable for wanting a different level of emotional intimacy with your partner than the one you have with your friends. If he is telling you otherwise, then he’s gaslighting you. And that’s a form of emotional abuse.

I hope this helps you further in gaining clarity.