Dear Kodi,

You are spot on about learning to worry about about health issues from a parent.

Yeah, if our parents (or one of them) is a worrier, they can’t calm us down, but make us even more anxious. Because we as children are helpless and totally dependent on our parents. And so if our parent is worried and anxious, our anxiety goes through the roof. There is no way we can calm ourselves down – since we need them to do that for us.

And this stays as a pattern, not just the mental pattern of catastrophizing and thinking the worst will happen, but also as hypervigilance in our autonomic nervous system. Our amygdala constantly firing and ringing the alarm bell, even if there is no danger at all.

I very much relate to this, because my mother is a worrier too, not so much about health but about everything else, always thinking in negative terms. So I’ve learned to worry too, nowadays it’s primarily about my health, because I do have some health issues which objectively make my life difficult. But I see how sometimes I start catastrophizing over the slightest little pain that I have, and it fills me with terror. In those moments I feel like a helpless little child, believing that something terrible is going to happen and I will be doomed.

Maybe you feel something similar when you start worrying about your son’s illness:

Whenever my son gets a fever I freak out and am afraid he’s going to die. … I’m utterly exhausted from all the fear, frustration, anger, depression, irritability, guilt – basically every negative emotion you can have.

Maybe when your son gets a fever, you start catastrophizing, and the alarm system in your brain (amygdala) starts going in overdrive and it spirals out of control. What helps me is to soothe myself in those moments, to tell myself that it’s going to be okay.

Because what I’ve noticed is that I have 2 parts active in those moments: one is the anxious voice, who is thinking the worst thoughts and believing that the pain I am having means something serious and potentially irreversible. That’s the internalized voice of my anxious mother, telling me that I should be worrying. The other part is my inner child, who is listening to this anxious voice and is freaking out, because the child is helpless and depends on the mother’s protection. If the mother is worried and anxious, then of course the child is in utter terror. And that’s how I really feel in those moments, when the worry gets out of control.

I’ve recently become aware of this mechanism, and so now when something happens, I tell myself that it’s going to be fine and not to worry. I am trying to soothe my inner child and be the calm, soothing parent to my inner child, rather than the anxious, catastrophizing parent. With that I am hopefully interrupting that automatic loop in my brain that activates the amygdala and gets me in the state of terror.

Perhaps you could try something similar? Of course, various relaxation techniques might be helpful too. As well as creating that safe, calm space within your home, as Roberta suggested.

Your mother-in-law (who you said is very calm and loving and loves to laugh) can be an anchor point for you as well, in the sense that not only you visit her regularly, but also, when you start worrying, you can imagine her telling you it’s going to be fine. So perhaps she can serve as that calming, soothing parental voice inside of your head, when your fear gets triggered.

Hi Kodi,

yes, it is perfectly okay to want to be happy, even if there is so much suffering out there in the world. It’s a natural drive of each person, but sometimes this drive is blocked. One reason is that we feel guilty if we’re happy, because e.g. our parents weren’t happy and we felt sorry for them and their suffering.

You said anxiety and depression run in your family, which is a quite possible reason why you’re suffering from it too. For example, if we have a depressed mother, we naturally want to make her happy and do everything in our power to help her. But we inevitably fail, because it’s a problem that we didn’t cause and that we as a child cannot solve. And because we fail to make our depressed parent happy, we start feeling bad about ourselves, because we believe we’re not good enough or worthy enough – again, blaming ourselves for our parent’s condition.

Also, if our parent is anxious, they can’t give us proper emotional regulation and soothing. For example, they may get worried easily over each little child’s disease we have, and this makes things much worse because if our parent worries, we feel totally helpless and in terror. Perhaps that’s why you have the tendency to worry about your health excessively, because you’ve learned the pattern of excessive worry and there was no one there to calm you down and tell you that everything’s going to be fine?

I wonder if you’ve experienced something like this in your childhood/youth?

Hi Beni,

sorry for the late response, I am on holidays and am not spending much time at the computer. Also am having some health issues, which are bogging me down, so I am not in my top form…

Yes, I listen to the audiobooks many times and close to everything on youtube. It’s a great tool. I really enjoy to text with you Tee. It’s nourishing and you have a harmonious way to do it. How did you learn it?

Thanks Beni. I’ve never really learned NV communication per se, just always tried to understand the other person’s point of view and put myself in their shoes. That always helps have more compassion and understanding. And I’ve been a good listener too, always asking people how they are, inquiring about them. But I have to admit, now that I am suffering from health challenges, it’s not always easy because I have to deal with my own pain and have less capacity to deal with other people’s pain.

Yes, that’s true I tend to stay. Ah, I haven’t made that connection yet that this exact situation means that I’ am stressed.

Glad you’re noticing it now – that when you feel you don’t have options, it’s actually a stress response, not the reality of the situation. So in those situations, try to slow things down (e.g. do some slow deep breathing), and give yourself time to answer.

I mean, if someone asks you something you don’t necessarily want to do, you don’t have to give your answer immediately. You can say you have to check your calendar and will let them know later, or something to that effect. And then you can process your upset when you’re alone, and then when you’re calmer, you can decide whether you want to go or not. Keeping in mind that you don’t have to please everyone and that “if you meet someones needs against your own needs, everyone is gonna pay for it“.

I think I know what you mean. Being loyal and standing true to your word. I belief the most important is the intention behind, what if I do it out of fear? Which is something I observe.

Yeah, that’s not a good motivation. If you do things you don’t want to do out of fear of being rejected, that’s not a healthy place.

I think somethings I might have to “mess up” to learn by doing and to reconnect. I belief that’s where the fear is coming from. I did not understand why I had to do things and was manipulated into being afraid instead of showing me why it is important and valuable. I had to them to be accepted.

You mean your parents intimidated you into doing something which is otherwise important and valuable (e.g. visit a sick grandmother), and you felt pressured to do it? Whereas if they would have explained, you would have done it more gladly?

It just occurs to me that we need to first have compassion for ourselves, and only then can we have compassion for other people. If we are forced to do something while our own needs are not taken into consideration, what we’ll feel is anger and resentment. And then even if something is worthwhile and kind (such as visiting our sick grandmother), we’ll see it as a burden and have resistance towards it. Not sure if you relate to this?

I want to do it in a way which nourishes the connection rather than drains it. I can communicate it in the way we spoke about earlier.
I need to be very careful who I do this too because if I mess up with someone I trust that does not have the capacity it can break my heart.

I’m just thinking that I want to ask people to do this in a more playful way. It’s actually too scary to do it in real life. I feel that the effects would be similar when played. In the end I think it’s about to learn to take things less personal and that it’s okay when people get angry. (Mom and Dad still love me even if they’re angry).

Well, we can’t please everyone. It sounds like you’re afraid that if you say No, people will get angry and you can’t bear that. Actually, there might be people who will get angry with us if we set boundaries – because they’ve learned to abuse us and exploit us. But good people – people who are your true friends and who are non-manipulative – will never get angry if you set healthy boundaries. They’ll respect those boundaries. So if you set boundaries and someone attacks you and blames you for that, they’re not a good friend.

I belief acceptance can be above everything. It’s like telling someone: “I don’t like you, go away” also you’re looking into each others eyes saying: “I accept you”. It differentiate here between acceptance and tolerance. Tolerance to me is to say go away.
If I tolerate people which act out of my values it closes my heart somehow. If I don’t accept them it makes me loose myself and I loose compassion to the other person. It feels like I betray myself. Can you help me to understand this?

I hear what you’re saying. You want to be loving to everyone, you don’t want to close your heart to anyone, right? And you feel you need to close your heart to people if you want to set boundaries?

This might be if those people are manipulative and can’t just accept your boundaries, but blame you for it. And so you start feeling angry with them and inevitably you close your heart, because it hurts to be blamed…. Is that what is happening?

Thanks for handing this back to me. I’d like to set boundaries with my mother. What I mean is that often the best I can do is, do it in ways which are not nourishing and make her feel rejected. I only want to do it in ways which are more harmonious, if I have the capacity to do it.

Do you feel she is blaming you and guilt-tripping you if you set boundaries? Because that’s what might cause you to feel rejected, and you might want to go against your wishes and do it anyway, because you don’t want to hurt her?

When I make me do it, it actually feels like the thing I talked above when I write “self betrayal”, “making me do things I don’t want to do”. It has to do with the impulse to do things perfect even if it’s against my boundaries.

Yeah, it could be that you do betray yourself because if you’re being yourself, you get blamed and rejected, and you don’t want that. We as children are totally dependent on our parents. And so we often betray ourselves because we need to stay in the relationship – it’s a survival instinct. And we keep that in our adulthood too.

So you might be doing something similar with you mother – desperately wanting to stay in the relationship and feeling that the only way to do it is if you betray yourself? (or at least that’s how it was the past?)

Yes, I mean it in a selfish way. I remember quite some situations where I do it in a selfish way. I’d choose this words for it. I do it to cope with the fear of loosing autonomy.

Sometimes we believe we’re selfish (or people accuse us of being selfish) if we want to respect our own needs. People pleasers believe they are selfish whenever they say No to anything. So I would reevaluate those instances where you felt you were selfish. Maybe you said it in an angry tone and lacking diplomacy, but your basic impulse was to protect yourself and your own needs?

My minds great in finding every way my doing can hurt other people and it’s getting better at recognize healing things I do.

Yeah, it seems you are very careful not to hurt people. But sometimes people will be hurt because you’re not letting them to take advantage of you any more. In reality, you’re not hurting them, but they might still accuse you of hurting them…. so that’s a challenge you’ll need to deal with.

Wow, this is bigger than I thought. It feels like this is connected with why it’s rather difficult to organize meetups with people. I need connection and I know how to get connection without empathy. Hihi, to get connection without empathy. That sound like a crooked and painful concept.

I think that real, genuine connection can’t exist without empathy on both sides. If you care about people, but they don’t care about you or your needs, that’s not real connection. With some people we just can’t have a genuine connection, because they don’t have empathy or understanding for us, but rather, they want to manipulate us or take advantage of us. I don’t know if this has been your experience, but I am just saying: it’s impossible to be open-hearted and unguarded with everyone because some people will take advantage of that.

Yes, “schnieef”. I connect to the words you write. Again connection and autonomy

Yes, we need to have both. We shouldn’t sacrifice ourselves in order to stay in an abusive or manipulative relationship.

My mom thinks everything is her fault and her responsibility.

But it seems she somehow shifts (or used to shift) a part of that blame on you? Or you felt sorry for her because she seemed helpless, she was pitying herself (you said she was in the martyr role) – and so you gave up on yourself so she would be less upset and less miserable about her own life?

I wanted to say that in this situation she does not know how to meet her needs yet and what I think she really needs.
I think she’s working on herself. She’s not reaching out to me.

Good. If she’s learning how to meet her own needs, rather than expecting you to do that, that’s a good sign. I hope she’ll keep working on herself and also that you’ll be able to set better boundaries with her, not feeling selfish for doing that.

Hi Adam,

sorry for the late reply, I am on holidays and don’t always have access to the computer.

I already noticed myself getting some attachment over this past week. We are talking less at the moment which I am somewhat fine with but it’s definitely making me a little bit anxious also. Not sure if I’m overthinking it but I feel I am getting mixed messages and I don’t know how to talk to her about this without coming across to forward or eager.

I think it’s not too soon to start feeling attached after a month of knowing her. You say she is giving you mixed signals – does it mean she sometimes shows more interest and is contacting you more, and at other times she is more distant, doesn’t respond to your texts, doesn’t want to meet and suchlike?

I’m just a bit lonely at the moment and I don’t know if that’s why I’m interested in this girl more than I should be

Well, you do tend to feel bad when you’re alone. You said you quickly feel bored and can’t really enjoy things if it’s not with a partner. Since being alone is a source of pain and discomfort for you, it’s no wonder you want to stop that and find a partner as soon as possible. So yes, that could be a reason why you start hoping and perhaps getting a little too attached even if she is giving you mixed signals, or she simply needs more time to warm up to the relationship.

I’m trying to just distance myself and not put all my eggs in one basket but I have always found this hard.

I understand that. You don’t want to date more people simultaneously and keep more options open, but you want to build a deep relationship with one person. That’s okay. You don’t need to go against your nature and start dating casually, because if it doesn’t come naturally, it will be forced and you won’t feel good.

Instead, try to tell yourself that you’re a good person – a lovable and totally cool person – even if this girl doesn’t always show the kind of enthusiasm that you would like. Even if she isn’t too eager, tell yourself that you’re still a great guy. Because what you really need is a better relationship with yourself and to reduce the negative self-talk.

You said you’re quite critical with yourself, you hold yourself against a high standard. This is unfortunately fueling the inner critic and the belief that you’re not good enough. If you can be kinder and more compassionate with yourself, the inner critical voice will lessen and you’ll be able to enjoy your own company more and feel better in your own skin, so to speak. And so you won’t be longing for a partner so desperately and will be able to better tolerate periods when you’re single. If that makes sense?

I don’t know if I should speak with her honestly, leave it and see how things go or just distance myself even more and not stay in contact as much.

Hm, maybe you don’t need to talk to her yet, but rather try an experiment: whenever she doesn’t reply as quickly as you’d hope for, tell yourself that you are good and lovable anyway. In other words, try to soothe your inner child whenever he feels neglected and abandoned, or not good enough. How does this sound?

Hi Beni,

thank you too, it’s a pleasure to talk to you.

Yes, I think I’m in some transition phase.

Good, you definitely have a lot of self-awareness, you’re very observant of yourself. And you’re understanding your old patterns and trying to respond differently in some situations. Which is great! It’s a slow change, but that’s totally okay.

You can even tell some people – but only those you trust – that you’re trying to be more open about your feelings and show more vulnerability, and so not to worry about you but simply lend you a listening ear, without needing to fix anything. I don’t know if this would be too much to ask, but anyway, just a suggestion in case it may help you open up even more.

Guess your right, I don’t feel some things there yet. In such situations it’s kinda like I don’t remember my autonomy and I can submit or rebel. It’s not always like this and I am already doing way better than a few years ago. Sometimes I know what I want and it’s scary to say. I want to learn how to say it in a gentle and assertive way.

What I am noticing is that your communication style is very gentle. So I am guessing that you have it in you and that it won’t be that hard to express yourself in a gentle, yet assertive way.

As for the black-or-white reaction (submit or rebel), that’s very typical because those are the only two ways we’ve learned as children. And it’s actually a part of our trauma response (fight-flight-freeze). Fight would be to rebel, flight or freeze would be to submit, I guess.

I think what could help is not to view such situations like an attack – like someone threatening you – but more like someone expressing their preference and you having the right to accept it or refuse it. You having the right to express your own preference.

My experience is that whenever I don’t feel helpless about the situation, the more empowered and less angry I feel. Because I know I have options – I can say no and refuse to do what I don’t want to do. So this gives me a more relaxed attitude about it, rather than triggering the fight-or-flight response, where I feel I need to defend myself from danger.

And then you can be more diplomatic about it, e.g. saying “I know how much you’d love to see this movie, but I really feel tired today and need to get some rest”. So you acknowledge their need, but you also express your own need. That’s how you assert yourself politely and gently. Does that makes sense?

Yap, that’s how it feels like. I watched a video yesterday about borderline personality and thought ah that’s how it feels.

You mean the extremes of feelings that a person with a BPD feels (e.g. first the intense love for someone, then intense hate after the person doesn’t give them everything they ask for)?

I reflect a lot about boundaries these days. I’d like to learn how to set healthy boundaries. I don’t think it’s something I can pretend to have or not to have.

Yeah, you can’t pretend to have boundaries. I mean, we can have too weak boundaries, which can be easily crossed, or too rigid boundaries, where we put up a wall around ourselves. It takes some healing and practice to learn how to set healthy boundaries. And also self-awareness, because you first need to know what is it that you want and don’t want in your life.

I’m not shure what would happen. Memory says it’s dangerous.

I totally get you. I also have a bad experience acknowledging weakness or vulnerability to my mother. It always backfired because she would blame me for my own suffering, telling me that it’s all my fault, or she would later use the information against me, to attack me or judge me in some way. She never showed empathy. So yeah, admitting that I am hurting was always dangerous and traumatic.

It might be alright as she is working on herself too.

Oh really? Is she attending therapy? Because my mother has always refused it – she keeps blaming other people (including me) for her problems.

It’s easy to answer more closed questions, that is something she could do. I also know that in such situations I’d not remember any closed questions.

I’d like to help her, I could ask her what would you like to know?

You mean, when she asks you how you are, but actually has that martyr expression on her face and you know she isn’t really interested in knowing how you are – you think that it would help if you asked her “what would you like to know?” instead of answering a more general question of “how are you?”

Hi Dave,

good to hear from you again, and no worries – you can take as much time as you need. I understand this is not an easy situation and you’re going through a lot at the moment.

I am sorry to hear you’re already selling the family home, which means your wife is determined to proceed with the separation. But at the same time, as you said, it is forcing you to take stock of your life and find who you really are and what you stand for. And that’s super important, because you want to live your life as your authentic self, not someone conditioned to be something you are not.

I am glad you’ve realized that you’ve always seen your wife as superior and better than you. And you’re right, that’s not good for the relationship and kills emotional intimacy (Over time that has eroded the attraction and emotional connection). I guess if we feel inferior and on top of it, feel judged by our partner, we’ll have a hard time opening up and confiding about anything that’s bothering us, because we might fear criticism and further judgment.

I know you said your wife did criticize you for being indecisive and leaving all the big decisions to her. For some women it’s not a problem that they are the “boss” in the family because their husband helps and contributes a lot in other areas, and so they are fine with making financial decisions, buying property etc.

But it seems your wife didn’t like that you’re more of a “follower” than leader, and she looked down on you. That itself might have contributed to the superior/inferior dynamic and created a wedge between you. Because she saw you as not good enough, as not strong and decisive enough, whereas she might have overlooked and not appreciated your other qualities.

I also think me moving into my own place and setting up a separate life will really have a change in my thinking and feelings about myself – I will have to be accountable and responsible and mature enough to make my life and interactions with my children work.

Yes, do try to be a caring and responsible father to your children (as I am sure you have been till now too), and make sure to fulfill your duties, keep all your appointments etc. In other words, don’t allow yourself to go drinking in the bar and then miss your appointments. Sorry if this sounds inappropriate – I am mentioning it only because there were situations in the past where you self-sabotaged by going out and drinking. I know it was to get away from your wife, and that you actually fulfilled your paternal duties. But nevertheless, just saying – keep yourself to his high standard to be a good dad to your children and be there for them maximally.

Maybe we can recover from this and maybe we cant, but either way I have to discover the real me, own it and not deviate from what that looks and feels like – I need to find the strength to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for. I am also concerned in part, that if I get to this point and realize my true self and self worth, I may not want to to go back into the relationship.

Definitely, you need to discover the real you and not compromise it, not diminish yourself to please someone else. But do you think your real self would be unacceptable to your wife? Or that you wouldn’t like some of your wife’s features, once you fully embrace your true self?

I start 8 sessions of individual counselling next week so lets focus on the things I can influence and embrace a voyage of self discovery.

That’s a great plan, Dave. You’re approaching it with great maturity, although I know this whole situation is painful for you. But you finding yourself is the silver lining of this marriage crisis, and so yes, go for it. You’ll come stronger on the other side!

Hi Freddie,

I think I internalised the bullying and teasing out of not wanting rock the boat, look weak

Maybe you believed that you need to be “tough” and take the bullying, because you didn’t want to be seen weak? Also, perhaps you felt excluded because your sisters were sticking together – they were like a “gang” against you alone. So perhaps when you got a little older, in your pre-teens, you sought the company of bigger boys whom you tried to fit in with, and it turned out they ended up bullying you?

My sisters treated my brother as the baby of the family I guess but he was always more confident and sure of himself from a early age so never had my insecurities.

Yeah, our reaction (and our experience of the situation) always depends on our character, even if we were treated the same as someone else. So it’s possible that your brother didn’t take their babying as something negative, as something that diminishes him, while you might have…. In general, you might have been more sensitive to your parents’ and siblings’ treatment, while your little brother was more resilient?

im trying to tell myself that the breakup wasn’t all my fault and that she brought some issues to the table too,

Yes, being secretive about her debts, as well as refusing to participate in her daughter’s life and being secretive about the reasons are definitely major issues that she had…

I’m trying tell myself we wouldn’t have had a kid, or worse like you said had one she couldn’t feel maternal too

Yes, I think she was stringing you along, telling you that “she could see herself having a child with you”, but not really showing any signs that she is interested in having children or that she even wants to be a mother to her own daughter. So I think she never wanted to be a mother, but it was just something she was telling you because I guess she could – you would always back down and drop the subject. Until the moment you got engaged, when it became a burning issue for you and you refused to back down.

It’s just hard letting her go at the moment and I’m still kidding myself that we could work it out

How do you think you could work it out, if she doesn’t want to have children? Would you be willing to drop the subject and agree to a childless marriage?