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Dear Ishita,
I don’t think it should be a problem that you accidentally reported your post. By the way, edits can be done within the first 5 minutes or so of posting, later it’s not possible any more.
So , could you please tell me how Rebounds are supposed to be like,
I personally haven’t been in a rebound relationship, but now I’ve looked it up, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be immediately after the breakup, but it’s the first relationship that follows a “Very Serious Relationship”. Since your friend was pretty serious with his ex, I imagine the relationship with you could count as a rebound for him. You also said he was hurt a lot by the break-up, which would make him a candidate for getting involved in a rebound relationship. Here is a relevant quote:
âPeople are much more likely to have rebound relationships if they were the one who was dumped. Thatâs because getting dumped can be highly distressing and a serious hit to your self-esteem, which is going to prompt more coping behaviors, like rebound sex and relationships.â
In both of your posts you mentioned something interesting – that you didn’t want him to think that you’re a mess:
“I was making attempts of letting my guard down around him, because otherwise I used to feel an insecurity , that maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess.”
“Our conversations had mostly become about him, because I had again begun to feel this insecurity, that what if he feels I am a mess.”
You also appear to have admired him – but I’d say glorified him somewhat before you got to know him better:
I have always admired him, and maybe did secretly like him too,
an overachiever yet humble
maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess
It appears to me that you glorified him, thought he was so high above you, and that he was inaccessible since he has a girlfriend, plus he’s an overachiever so he’s primarily interested in his studies. But when he did show increased interest in you, I guess you were smitten and perhaps felt like your unattainable dream may be coming true after all? You didn’t even talk much about yourself, but it was mostly about him. You put him in the center of your attention, showered him with admiration (I assume) and made him your No1 priority, even to to point of neglecting your studies.
All this attention felt very good to him, specially since he had been was recently broken up with, which I guess was a blow to his ego. So he was definitely enjoying your company, your attention and admiration. When you were a little more reserved, he’d immediately start showing more interest in you, so that he can keep you hooked on him (“i noticed how he used to act the former only when I showed as if I wasnât very into him, which is kind of narcissistic behavior”). Perhaps he wasn’t doing it consciously, but he was nevertheless doing it.
BTW when you say he was “overly protective” of you, what exactly do you mean?
All this shows me that he was flattered by your attention, and even misled you so that he can get your attention, but he probably didn’t have serious intentions with you.
It breaks me a bit inside, thinking , that he would have probably gotten involved with any girl then, he could have got his hands on.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that “any girl” would do for him, but in a way, any girl looking up to him and admiring him like you did, probably would have done, yes. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, I repeat, just that he’s not that great guy that you put on a pedestal and admired. He might even be someone with narcissistic tendencies, as you’ve noticed. This showed his true colors, and you’re right to consider whether you even want to remain friends with him or not.
Dear Ishita,
I am sorry you feel hurt and betrayed. You were hoping that he has feelings for you, and it turns out he was just “unintentionally” crossing boundaries. What might have happened is that he felt bad after his break-up, alone and hurt, and he needed someone to make him feel better. And that someone was you.
It’s almost like in a rebound relationship, where the person is still very much emotionally attached to their ex and use the new partner to make them feel better, or sometimes even to make the ex jealous, or suchlike. Yours wasn’t a full-on relationship but it appears he was using you to feel better after the break-up. This is very revealing:
I was again struggling with being vulnerable around him, but he couldnât notice that exactly, because he was mostly more into his life.
Yes, it appears he was focused only on himself and didn’t care about your feelings. He might have led you on on purpose or accidentally (although I think he was probably aware that you’re developing feelings for him, and maybe that’s why he started playing cold). Anyway, it’s good that you confronted him and asked to clarify his intentions. And I know it hurts that he basically rejected a relationship with you, but at least you know where he stands and what you can expect from him.
I see you’re having a hard time accepting it, though, and believe that he does have feelings for you but isn’t admitting it:
BUT SOMEWHERE I FEEL HE DID HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME JUST THAT HE IS NOT CONFESSING IT.
He might have had feelings for you in the sense of feeling good in your presence, enjoying your attention and flirting after he was dumped by his girlfriend, taking his mind off of the break-up etc. He felt good in your company, perhaps your relationship was like a welcome distraction for him, but it doesn’t mean he wanted to get serious with you. As you yourself noticed, “he was mostly more into his life.” Meaning, his motives very pretty selfish.
I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT THOUGHT, BUT SOMEWHERE I AM STILL HOPING HE WILL COMEBACK TO ME , WITH THIS REALISATION.
I don’t think you should hope that he’d come back. Although it’s painful to think that he’s just used you to feel better about himself, it’s probably what happened here. And it would be better for you to accept it, no matter how painful, and to move on. It doesn’t mean that you’re in any way lesser-then or not good enough, it’s just that he isn’t a good candidate. He gave you hope, he used you, and then he backed off.
The best thing you can do is to feel angry about him for a while (as you are now), but then to accept it that it’s for the best, because you don’t want to be with someone selfish or deceptive like he is. And to move on, loving yourself even more than before this entire episode happened.
Dear Timepassages2070,
I’ve just seen this thread, after Anita’s pinged it, and thought to add some thoughts, in case you’re still reading it. Your discussion with Anita was really enlightening and opened many important issues, including those related to your childhood. What I am noticing is that you seem to be blaming your friend for having used you, and then âdumped” or ghosted you without explaining what really made her change her behavior from being super close to you, even obsessive, to suddenly cutting contact and ignoring you for months on end.
You’ve offered 3 possible explanations: 1) sheâs dating someone and no longer needs your emotional support, 2) she feels the two of you got too close, 3) a combination of the previous two. Based on what youâve shared here, I believe a fourth option is possible too: that she felt the two of you got very close, and she in fact wanted it to happen, but when she realized, after a while, that you don’t intend to leave your wife, she decided to withdraw. That might be the reason for her silence and suddenly cutting you off.
I am saying this because based on what youâve described here, it appears to me that for a while she was pursuing you rather openly, even in front of your wife: she sat in your lap at a theater rehearsal, she left flirtatious messages on your facebook, she called you and texted you frequently â without really taking into account your wifeâs feelings. Perhaps she was encouraged by the fact that you told her about the problems in your marriage, so she started hoping that there could be something between you.
She also expressed that sheâs against extra-marital affairs, which means that she probably wouldnât be the one initiating anything inappropriate, at least not openly. But she might have been hoping that you would make a move, or at least indicate that youâre interested. She did tell you how special and important you are to her, and overall, I think her behavior showed she was quite interested in you, even though she didn’t openly say it. She even tried to arrange a private yoga class with you, which would enable the two of you to meet regularly once a week.
What might have happened after a while is that sheâs realized sheâs not such a priority for you as you are for her. For example, you went 3 days without responding to her messages, or you made a comment that by sitting in your lap, sheâd made it more difficult for the two of you to meet, because it will make your wife more suspicious, etc. With this, youâve expressed that keeping your wife happy is more important to you â i.e. that your wife is more important to you than her. And thatâs when she might have decided to withdraw.
When you later casually asked her whatâs up, she responded in an offended manner that sheâs tired of âchasing friends around and people not being responsive to her textsâ. This might have very well been a reference to you and your not being quick in replying to her messages, and in general, not responding to her âchasingâ. But she didnât want to admit that openly, so she made a general comment about âfriendsâ and about âneeding space from everyone”. She realized youâre not interested in more than a friendship, and she cut off contact.
You now feel used by her, but she could be feeling equally used by you. And thatâs because you never drew a line and never made it clear for her that you arenât interested in her as a romantic partner. What the two of you had was an emotional affair, where you were complaining to each other about your respective marriages and sharing your deepest feelings with each other. You said youâve felt good about getting âcloser and closerâ to her, and that inwardly, youâve probably crossed the line. Outwardly you never said or did anything explicitly, but you were quite open to her advances (e.g. you allowed her to sit in your lap in front of your wife, to call you frequently etc) and havenât clarified your feelings â and by doing that, you were probably feeding her hopes.
As I see it, the missing piece â something that you havenât admitted to each other â is that you were in an emotional affair, which muddied the waters of your previously honest and sincere friendship. This affair suited you (possibly because you miss emotional intimacy with your wife?), but it might have not been enough for her â she wanted more from you. When she realized itâs not possible, she called it quits.
Even if thatâs not what happened on her side (we donât know her side of the story), I think it would be important that you reconsider your own role in this affair and how you were encouraging it, rather than putting all the blame on her. Probably your own unmet needs played a role in it, so the more aware you are of those, the easier it will also be to navigate your own marriageâŠ.
Dear Michelle,
you mentioned that your wound might be rather related to your mother than to your father. In one of your older posts you said this about your mother:
“I just donât know if I have a pattern of seeking emotionally unavailable people because maybe I too, am emotionally unavailable people. My mother was anxious avoidant in childhood and this was due to her upbringing. She sought out love from her children to fill her voids.”
I’ve checked the characteristics of the anxious-avoidant pattern, and am copy-pasting them here:
“Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the âfearful or disorganized typeâ) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.
Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also donât tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues.
Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them.”
It seems your boyfriend fits this description pretty well. This sentence: “They also donât tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others.” – would explain why he doesn’t want to go to therapy.
If your mother was similar, it could very well be that you’re seeking to get love from her, through your boyfriend…
What do you think?
Dear Jenny,
I am late to your thread and have been trying to catch up. I am glad youâre in a better place now than youâve been before. Youâve had a very productive discussion with Anita, and now many things are clearer to you, and you feel much better about yourself. But thereâs still something troubling you, as you say: youâre almost missing his calls now that youâve changed your number. You feel rejected all over again (itâs as if he left me all over again). Youâre surprised that he isnât trying something to reach you (now I am wondering why is he not doing something to reach out), and youâre a little disappointed, or sad, that he might be moving on.
In February 2021, you said to Anita:
What I definitely did want was for him to see that I am not the needy clingy woman that he thought me to be when he left. I wanted him to see that I am one High Value woman that HE LOST. I wanted him to feel a sense of LOSING a girl who really loved him and was special.
When Anita asked you if you donât feel worthy enough, you said you do – you do feel worthy to your parents, to your friends and co-workers, but itâs just this one man that humiliated you and took all of your pride.
In many of your posts, you were actually stressing how valuable and special you are, but that he refused to acknowledge it. Thatâs why you felt angry and offended at him. You were specially offended that he called you a child:
âI feel so insulted when I remember he said that I am a child. I can imagine him thinking he was right about me and that I am just an immature girl which I am not Anita. He has the audacity to behave whichever way and then why I have one slip-up he has the audacity to pass such statements on me. I am just insulted Anita, feel just very insulted by someone who shouldâve by now been regretting losing me instead of calling me a child.â
âI mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now heâs calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up.â
You also said, in one of your earlier posts: But my biggest fear is that tomorrow Iâll see him have a perfect life with another girl and it will reiterate that I was the one who was at fault.
Based on what you’ve expressed, it seems to me that you do have self-respect and value yourself, however you didnât get that respect from your mother. She was criticizing you for slouching, and you would protest: âyou canât talk to me like that.â You demanded respect from your mother, and would argue about it with her (you said you were rude, to match her rudeness), but you never got her respect. You didnât get respect from your father either because he never stood in your defense, but your main wound is with your mother. She treated you like an immature child, while you wanted to be treated respectfully, like an adult. (I wonder if there were other ways in which she criticized you or where you felt humiliated, beside slouching?)
I believe that you do value yourself, but you wish she’d value you too. And that desire â to be valued and respected â you transferred to your boyfriend. Thereâs still a part of you â the wounded inner child – where you arenât sure that youâre worthy, because you didnât get your parentsâ (specially your mother’s) confirmation. You think you are, but youâre not sure. Thatâs why you said your biggest fear is that it would turn out that you were the one who was at fault, and that thereâs nothing wrong with him. Thatâs your inner child insecure of its worth. It has to have it confirmed by other people.
You found a man who reminds you in some aspects of your mother, and you were trying to get his confirmation. But instead, he humiliated you most of the time. You would beg him to show you some respect, but to no avail. He would be even more cruel. He didnât want to give you that one thing that you craved so much: the confirmation that youâre valuable and special.
Whatâs the way out? To understand with your entire being that indeed, you are valuable and special. To give that confirmation to your inner child, and not expect it from other people. I believe this is whatâs missing for you to heal and really let go of him.
Tell me what you think and if it resonates with you.
Dear Michelle,
Good to hear from you again! I was often thinking about you and how youâre doing. Glad youâre doing fine and are experiencing âa consistent expression of love and supportâ in your relationship. It appears that one of your mail goals in this relationship is growth, i.e. that you are consciously trying to lessen your compulsion for security, while at the same time taking care that your basic emotional needs are met. (âI have moved on from men who donât meet my needs, and have since learned a lot about what my needs are. Now itâs more about balancing my needs with my compulsions for security.â)
You also appear to be aware of the possible limitations of your relationship, and also of his âeternal sadness and numbnessâ.
âI recently suggested that he might want to consider therapy in the future as his lifelong sadness and numbness (as he puts it) has plagued him from early childhood, and I feel that it might keep him from feeling the depth of his emotions fully. That may or may not apply to our relationship. That is for him to discern and attempt at his leisure.â
In this I believe youâre mistaken â his emotional wounds do apply to your relationship, and will apply in the future as well. Until he starts processing them, he canât be a partner you’re looking for on the long run. He can be an experiment and someone youâre practicing your tolerance with, your letting go of your need for security. So he can be someone youâre stretching your limits with, but on the long run, he needs to be willing to stretch his limits too. If heâs unwilling to go to therapy, itâs almost like saying âsorry, this is my maximum, I am not willing to work on my issues. So take it or leave it.â His willingness to work on his own emotional issues would be a true sign to me that heâs willing to change and allow himself to go deeper with you.
It doesn’t mean you need to push him to go to therapy, specially if you see he’s stretching his limits already and willing to work on the relationship, but just be aware that it’s a sign of how far he’s willing to go.
“I just donât see love as something to attain and hold onto desperately. I just feel that it is something fluid that slips in and out of our grasp, dancing around us, reflecting back what is already there.”
In this part I agree with Chickadee33, when she said âSome love is solid, dependable, not desperate and doesnât slip out of our grasp.â Sheâs right, true love isnât fluid and doesnât slip away and disappear. Such love is possible with someone who has solved his core emotional wounds. Until heâs willing to do that, your love will be fragile and prone to slipping away. But itâs on you to decide if this is something you can live with and what your priorities are. If the current situation suits you and youâre not hurting, but are feeling fulfilled, then by all means, go for it.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.