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TeeParticipantHey Beni,
I got that too and itās on the sciatic and the piriformis muscle in the butt might do the same.
yeah, piriformis can press on the sciatic nerve too. But since you feel it while lifting something heavy, I guess it has to be a disc bulge, right? Did you get a scan to have it confirmed?
I donāt really have pain itās more like my right leg, right back feels different by times mostly when emotional or when I lift too heavy. I donāt know how reliable it is.
Do you also feel it while snowboarding/skateboarding? You mentioned that you sometimes fall and experience pain, and then you start fearing a little… is it your sciatic pain that you feel when you fall?
I can imagine and worry how it is to find new strategies for self regulation when those things donāt work at all. It broke me last spring when I was in pain a lot and that is one thing.
I am glad you are now better, not experiencing so much pain. You said it was caused by a lot of physical activity. Was it caused by heavy lifting by any chance? Sometimes people get a disc bulge while weight lifting, or even by working their leg muscles in the gym.
Have you done some exercises for pain relief after it happened? Or it just went away on its own?
I feel relieved to read that you find wayās to live with it and function cause it showās that itās possible.
Yeah, I went to physical therapy (after it was determined it was a disc bulge), but it didn’t respond that well at first. But then I did a lot of swimming in the summer (swimming on my back), and that finally helped. Now I am maintaining it with regular exercise at home, light walks and cautious lifestyle, as I said. And a more positive mindset as well. But I feel I wouldn’t be able to ski or do any sports with my injury, so it’s very limiting š
Maybe there is a way to make progress with it, maybe to exercise more, push myself more. But I am a bit apprehensive to push myself too much, because it starts hurting. So far I am happy that I can maintain this relatively low level of pain, even if it limits me quite a bit.
Cool, thanks for sharing.
You are welcome!
Hiooo to you too š
February 25, 2024 at 3:52 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #428132TeeParticipantDear Dafne,
you are very welcome! As for the nice smiley picture, that’s Lori, the site owner. I am just a member here, and haven’t set a profile picture š
Thank you for showing me your understanding & compassion that I could not find in my family home as a child and even now in my adult life.
You are very welcome, Dafne. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, totally opposite of how your father treated you and is still treating you. What you’ve experienced from him is total rejection, whereas what you need is to be seen, accepted and appreciated.
Remember what we were talking about in the beginning: that you need from a man to be seen and appreciated for who you are, not as a sex object. Your father never saw you for who you are. Unfortunately he rejected you, and that’s why you are now longing for a positive father figure, for a man who is willing to care for you and show you that love and tenderness that you’ve never received from your father. So yes, you are right about this:
I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe Iām trying too hard to recreate what Iāve lost as a child which is impossible?
You were trying to receive now, once your reconnected with your father, what you haven’t received from him in your childhood. But unfortunately, he hasn’t changed, he remained that same selfish, cold-hearted person, who doesn’t know what love is. And it hurts, I know it hurts.
But you need to know that 1) it’s not your fault that your father is incapable of true love, and 2) there is a way to make up for the love, care and appreciation that you haven’t received in childhood. There is a way to make up for those unmet emotional needs, and then your entire inner world will change. How you view yourself will change, your self-confidence and self-respect will increase, and your ability to be happy too.
I donāt really feel like dating anymore. I feel like I canāt trust people and also I get easily discouraged.
I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a break from dating for the time being. Not because I think you’ll never find a suitable man, but because I think it would be better if you focused on your own healing. On changing your inner landscape and healing those emotional wounds.
You said a while ago:
I still believe that our man should be like a real father figure (protector and provider) and being needy is human. Maybe some men like that? Maybe if we do not go overboard with our emotions, it is something to cherish and not to eliminate?
Yes, it’s okay to have needs. Our need for love, appreciation, respect etc is legitimate. And we want that our partner be someone who does love, appreciate and respect us. The problem is that if haven’t healed our childhood wounds, we will feel unlovable and unworthy. And because of that, we will have a tendency to attract men who actually treat us as if we were unlovable and unworthy.
To give you some examples: a person with no self-respect will likely get into abusive relationships and might not even recognize they are being abused, or if they do recognize it, they won’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves or leave. They might believe they deserve to be treated poorly. They may wait and wait for their abusive partner to show them some love and respect, and it never happens. They might think it’s their fault that their partner is abusive, and they blame themselves and try to become “better”, instead of realizing that the problem is in their abusive partner.
You see what I mean? An emotionally healthy person knows what they need, what is good for them, and how a healthy partner looks like. Someone with unmet childhood needs on the other hand, won’t be able to know what is good for them, they will be confused, and they will tolerate abuse for way too long. They will even be attracted to unhealthy, toxic people, because that’s the only kind of “love” they know – that’s what they’ve received from their parents.
So yes, having needs is human. But there are healthy, legitimate needs and healthy ways to meet those needs. And there are unhealthy needs: when we expect too much of our partner, we are too sensitive, we get offended too easily, we are possessive, we are jealous when our man talks to another woman, etc. We want our needs to be healthy, we don’t want to be possessive, controlling, easily offended, etc.
But we also don’t want to be treated like a doormat: we don’t want to accept abuse, manipulation, humiliation, receiving breadcrumbs instead of real love.
You see? We want to have healthy needs, which means that wee don’t expect the impossible from our partner. But we also want healthy boundaries, which means that we don’t allow to be treated with disrespect by our partner. Healthy needs and healthy boundaries go hand in hand.
You said that talking to this last guy was emotionally draining (since he was talking about his ex-wife and his stepson, as well as about having his health as one of his priorities). You felt that him staying in touch with his ex and his stepson was a proof that he is still living in his past, and that he should grow out of it:
I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me.
This might have been a projection on your part, because it doesn’t mean that he still had feelings for his ex, even if he talks to her from time to time. Maybe there was a practical reason why they were still in touch, e.g. because he wanted to stay in touch with his stepson.
Anyway, even if you were polite and “casual” in telling him that (I was quite casual and only said that past is past and I want someone who starts a new chapter with me.), it was still emotionally charged for you. You didn’t like it and he could probably feel it, even if you didn’t say it in so many words.
I am not saying that this is what drove him away, since it could have been various other reasons, even reasons that don’t have anything to do with you. But what I am trying to say is that in my view, your expectation of him to not have any other major interests in life (such as his health) and not to keep in touch with his ex and his stepson – might have been unhealthy expectations. What I mentioned above: expecting too much of your partner. And that would be because of your own unmet childhood needs. So instead of a healthy need, your need might be a bit over the top, a bit too much for a guy to fulfill.
That’s why I believe it would be best if in the next phase you would focus on your own healing, on meeting those childhood emotional needs, with the help of therapy, if possible.
That’s how you can come to a place of having both healthy needs (i.e. healthy, realistic expectations of your partner), and healthy boundaries (not allowing abuse, manipulation and disrespect).
I hope this is helpful to you, Dafne, and that you can continue to walk towards more and more healing. You’ve already grown immensely, you’ve realized some things about your father: that his heart is unfortunately closed and that you shouldn’t expect to get love from him. I hope you also know that his coldness is absolutely not your fault, because you are absolutely deserving of love, care and appreciation. Now the next thing is to start giving yourself that love, care and appreciation…
Warm hug to you too, and thank you for your kind words!
TeeParticipantHey Beni,
Iāll light a candle!
Very much appreciated!
I forgot to tell you the fundamental of what I write is. My back started hurting last spring. I feel glimpses of the pain (3-4%). Itās also me pushing myself which creates the condition and what the doc says. Itās confusing cause I expirience that itās what I belief is good and bad which creates this experience. I start to belief that to heal itās better to fully trust in my body rather then doing what makes the most sense. Thatās creating insecurity cause I do not know what Iām doing.
Oh I see, so you have back pain, slight though, and you’re afraid that doing certain moves while snowboarding or skateboarding might do you harm? And that’s what also your doctor says? But another part of you trusts your own body and wants to do those moves anyway?
What caused your pain, if I may ask? Did you injure yourself or it just came out of nowhere?
I too am suffering from back pain, got a herniated disc. And it came out of the blue, with no trauma, no wrong move or anything like that. I just bent to pick up something from the floor and that’s when the pain started.
When you get injured is it physical? I notice it changes as I get older. Iām more prone to injuries or sensitive to pain.
Yes, it’s physical. I’ve had physical injuries in the last 5 years that remained chronic (like knee and back pain), and this is limiting me quite a bit…
I think when I wrote it, it was more like that Iām so curious about this topic and thereās so much potential and hope that I have to talk about it as soon as the topic goes in such a direction. Itās in someway reactive and also authentic. Also I thought it might benefit you to hear it cause I see all that.
Yes, I am interested in that topic too, because of these injuries and chronic pain that I have to manage and live with. It was quite an adjustment, emotionally and mentally too, to suddenly have to live with physical limitations, to not be able to do the things you loved before. I had to grieve those things. It still causes me pain (emotional pain) but I’ve learned to accept it.
What helped a lot is also a more positive attitude towards my chronic back pain, like not catastrophizing, not believing it’s the end of the world, not fearing my every move, but believing that my body has the ability to recover, that it’s more resilient than I think. And even if I make a wrong move unintentionally, that I’ll be able to recover to my baseline, which is not pain-free, but with manageable pain, provided that I follow a pretty cautious lifestyle (unfortunately).
What also helped me a lot in managing my back pain is the whole idea that chronic pain is largely regulated by the brain and our perception of threat and danger. If we believe that every move is dangerous, we will be more tense, more anxious, and it will cause more physical pain.
This concept was first discovered by Dr. John Sarno, and now it is taught by Dr. Hanscom, Dr. Schubiner, as well as Tanner Murtagh, who is teaching the somatic tracking practice. He has a pretty cool youtube channel, with lots of exercises for tracking our body sensations and reducing chronic pain.
thereās so much potential and hope that I have to talk about it as soon as the topic goes in such a direction
As you can see, this topic can make me talk for hours š It came out of necessity, but it is what it is, I’ve learned a lot about it as I am trying to help myself…
TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
I just want to slightly rephrase the second set ofĀ false beliefs, since false beliefs are always expressed in the “me” form:
People want me to fail. People want to hurt me. People are not to be trusted.
TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
You are welcome!
There was no violence, no shouting even but my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak
Indeed, there are similarities with our families, although there was yelling in my family ā my mother couldn’t control her emotions and she would have angry outbursts at my father and me. When I became a teenager, I started yelling back, so there was conflict.
But my father never wanted conflict and he tried to appease my mother and calm her down. He allowed to be yelled at and insulted. I think he suppressed his own anger and numbed himself emotionally. I guess that’s how he could stay mostly unaffected by her insults and accusations (I mean, he could go about his life, he had professional successes and was respected at work. Just not at home).
But for me as a child, my mother’s constant complaints, bitterness and misery were devastating. I grew up in it, and it formed me. I never felt good enough and no matter what I did, it couldn’t make my mother happy. She too blamed everybody else (specially me and my father) for her unhappiness. She fits your description very well: “My mom could victimize herself easily with him being very apologetic.”
The result of it all is that I grew up believing I was bad and that there is something terribly wrong with me. Similarly like you believe about yourself: Its like there is something wrong with me and i cant put a finger on exactly what.
A bit more specifically, this is what you said about yourself:
i do loathe myself in the sense that, i cant seem to put a foot right..just nothing works out for me. Like i seemed to discover, oh! im a dorkā¦not a creative nerd. A real loser who can only fuck up.
The false core belief would be: I am a dork. I am a loser.
I am guessing it has been formed based on many instances of being put down and ridiculed by your mother. Or compared to others. It has been formed based on your mother’s general attitude to you: that there is something wrong with you.
First your mother believed you were not good enough, and was sending you this message, and then you started believing it too. It became your “truth”. Because as children, we believe our parents, they are our mirrors. Their behavior towards us tells who we are and if we are lovable and worthy or not. And if they say bad things about us, if they mistreat us, we believe them. We always blame ourselves, not our parents.
When we grow up, we still have that same false core belief working in us. And we sort of attract more of the similar experiences of failure and embarrassment. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, if deep down you believe that you are a failure, you will indeed fail. And I think that’s been happening to you all these years.
***
You have another set of core beliefs, which is about other people. You believe that everybody is jealous of you and nobody wants you to succeed. I think that too is the result of your mother being jealous and competitive with you, even to this day when she isn’t happy when you achieve success but goes silent.
These are your experiences (in your adulthood) of people being jealous of you and trying to undermine you:
When i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me.
There has always been someone more accomplished vying for my job, or next to me or coming up behind me. Always a boss who wanted more and made me feel like i wasnt enough. A boyfriend who needed more of something i didnt have. I never mastered a corner of the room for myself that somebody else couldnt do. So therefore i feel fairly worthless.
You get crushed by the people who are out there looking to win against other people. I feel like there is always a lot of jealousy around me and i cant control it, how others react to me, but it ruins everything.
I often feel angry that other people are rude, mean or wonder what their problem is. I know what it is thoughā¦they want attention.
When you read the above examples, does it apply to your childhood as well? Because my guess is that you’ve experienced something similar in the relationship with your mother, even as a child and young adult, and that’s where the main wound stems from.
The main false belief in this area of your life (area of relationships) would be: People want you to fail. People want to hurt you. People are not to be trusted.
This unconscious belief is what directs your relationships and how you see people. And that too becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As Anita said, there were for sure instances where people wanted to harm you and take advantage of you. But there were probably also instances where you misinterpreted their intentions, or where you approached them with mistrust, ready to defend yourself (i have to defend myself against what i perceive as possible danger right?), and they didn’t like it.
My take is that a part of your experiences (not all) is based on these false beliefs that run in the back of your mind, and attract such events. I am writing this not to dispute your reality, but to tell you that there is more to experience, that there is a broader reality, in which not everybody is out to get you, and in which you are not a dork but a wonderful and creative person.
These false beliefs were created due to repeated negative experiences with our parents, but they can be reversed, with healing.
What do you think of all this?
TeeParticipantHey Beni,
Soundās like a not boring at all and very challenging situation your in.
Haha, not boring at all! I wish my life were boring and I were free from all of these “surprises”…
Itās so crazy when many thingās hit at once. I wish that you can be loose of your struggle soon and feel healthy. It feels light to read that you get a little hold on things and being able to have some control.
Thank you, Beni. I hope too that the struggle will lessen. And yeah, I know how to calm myself down a bit, so I am not freaking out that much.
I got inspired by Peter Levine (and Vipassana) itās worth to check him out if youāre not knowing him yet.
Yes, I am familiar with Peter Levine’s work. Pretty amazing stuff. I’ve recently discovered one of his students, who is now a teacher herself: Irene Lyon. She has a youtube channel with many great videos on the nervous system, chronic pain and the body. You might want to check her out too.
She too was a heavy-duty skier in her youth, and a fitness trainer. She had some injuries which she managed to heal with the Feldenkreis method. Later she started working with Peter Levine and developed her own trainings… Anyway, I’ve learned a lot from her.
I have been observing that when Iām in touch and I fall on a Skateboard it does not hurt itās kind of a sweet pain. As soon as there is a slight pressure (my mind wants to take control). I get more stiff it hurts and I feel I can get injured. I belief if Iām patient to wait for risky things to do with confidence, trust and flow chances high I donāt get injured.
Okay, we are in slightly different situations, because I am pretty risk averse and would be afraid to get into sports where one can fall a lot š But if that’s your forte, and you want to master somewhat riskier sports, cool. But do be careful and yes, be patient till you are ready to do riskier moves.
Iām not what is making my condition worse
alwaysthe last 4 times I observed when Iām in pain thereās also guilt or abandonment around and not only as science sayās wrong movement.You mean you feel guilty for bringing yourself into a risky situation? And feeling abandoned by good fortune/universe when you do fall and injure yourself?
I might just feel this way because I belief itās not good for me.
Just trying to understand here: a part of you believes that doing those risky moves is not good for you?
Placebo is a deal and Iām scared but also it feels right to not take science too serious cause of the effect it has on my bodymind. Itās like itās right for the thinking but wrong for the heart.
Hm.. not sure what you mean here? Are you saying that you injure yourself because a part of you believes that risky moves/extreme sports aren’t good for you? That this thinking serves like a “placebo”, which makes you more prone to mistakes while skiing/skating?
Sorry if I misunderstood you… It’s an interesting topic by all means and I’d like to understand more of your dilemma.
TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, because my mother, although not a narcissist, made me feel bad about myself and criticized me a lot, while at the same time presenting herself as a good mom and a martyr. My father was her enabler, so to speak, because he wouldn’t protect me – his main goal was to keep her anger and sadness at bay, to keep the “peace” in the family. He never demanded her to go see a counselor and deal with her own issues, but minimized the problem and gaslighted both me and himself that things aren’t so bad.
I can imagine that with a narcissistic mother, emotional abuse is even more severe, because she is also in competition with you and is trying to pull you down, being jealous of your successes. There is a great youtube video about narcissistic mothers and the damage they can do to their children. The title is Signs your Mother is a Covert Narcissist & How to Recover, by Barbara Heffernan.
The sad truth is that being raised by a narcissistic mother (and I am assuming an enabler father?) does a lot of damage to the child, because it ruins both the child’s self-esteem and also trust in other people. As Anita said, the first “society” you knew was your family, and if you felt rejected by them, and even bullied, it would make sense that this is how you see the world now in your adulthood, and encounter such experiences as well.
Our core beliefs about ourselves and the world develop based on those early childhood experiences – because that’s the “world” that we know and that we get socialized into. So we see everything through that distorted lens.
I totally understand your pain as you go through life and encounter more and more of the painful experiences, because they probably make you believe that you will never get out of this nightmare, that you will never have it going for you.
My suggestion is to take a step back and realize that indeed, you grew up in a nightmare, but you don’t have to keep living in one. And that there is help. There is healing. And that you are capable of healing.
Apart from finding a therapist who knows how to deal with victims of narcissistic abuse, the first step in healing is always self-compassion. Try to have compassion for the little girl that you were, being deprived of true love and tenderness, and being manipulated by a mother who only cared about her own needs. Have compassion for that little girl who, like every other child, was in a huge need of love and appreciation, and received so little.
You can help yourself and help that little girl get what she needs. With the help of therapy, you will be able to slowly but surely meet your basic needs. Maybe you can start with self-care: do something that soothes your body and soul, something that you enjoy.
It can take years to recoverā¦to meet someone compatible to me so i can finally relax a bit more, enjoy life more..ive been like a soldier for so long, there is no mistake when people say this.
You don’t necessarily need to wait till you meet someone to relax and enjoy life. Try to relax your body in a warm bath, try to create for yourself small, simple experiences of relaxation, and try to enjoy and savor those moments. Start small, with something that you can create for yourself, not waiting for others. That would be a part of self-care, and so crucial for starting to meet your basic needs, both physical and emotional. It’s a long road, but it starts with self-care and self-compassion…
I hope this helped a little… I am rooting for you, Worldofthewaterwheels!
TeeParticipantDear Beni,
so good to hear from you again!
It touches me that youāve been suffering and are living trough fear for your health. I imagine you are feeling vulnerable and out of control while needing resources and confidence to handle the situation.
Oh yes, I’ve been feeling very vulnerable, and since some of my conditions turned out to be chronic, I started feeling hopeless too. I think these health issues triggered an old childhood trauma, and brought to surface some feelings and false beliefs that I didn’t even know I had. So it’s been tough, and I am still struggling.
But yes, I did learn a lot and managed to calm down some of my anxiety. I don’t feel so helpless any more. But it’s still a struggle because new health issues or injuries keep popping up, and it’s like I can’t get a break from it. So I am still in the midst of it, but with a little bit more positive attitude and more optimism. I hope it gets better soon…
I learned that I worry a lot and I learned to recognize it. When I do not worry there is capacity to feel the next step and I do not get more afraid and after that freeze.
Wow, I too learned that I worry too much about my health and that it’s actually health anxiety. I also learned that when I am anxious, the body can’t heal so well, and the pain is stronger too. When I can stop fearing and freaking out, the pain diminishes too. So that’s been super helpful.
For you, when you don’t worry, you are more in touch with your intuition, with your true self, and can make better decisions. Cool! I will try that too – to get in touch more with my true self even as a part of me is worrying about my health and wanting to believe it will never get better.
I then did Snowboard Teacher Training in December and it triggered me a lot. I canāt hide myself any longer and I showed myself which was scary and felt natural. I belief we need to live trough the emotions/trauma and set them free by handling the situation in a way which meets our needs.
Congratulations on becoming a Snowboard teacher! I am glad you decided not to hide any more, and that it felt natural to be authentic, even though it was scary.
I noticed that when I live trough something like abandonment, guilt or shame and I feel my needs I can always keep the heart open.
Oh wow, that’s a great observation! If we are in touch with our true needs, even as we are experiencing abandonment or being shamed, we can keep our heart open. We don’t need to go into a defense mode. It’s like if we are in touch with our true needs, we are also in touch with our true self. And our true self has open heart and has compassion, always. Wow, that’s profound. I need to contemplate some more on it, but I like it.
My body tells me what to do where to go and itās something I trust in deeper every week. In some way it feels selfish which I think is a wrong view on it.
Actually if we are in tune with our body, we are also in tune with our true needs. And with our intuition. So it makes sense that you would listen to your body and try to sense how you feel about something, and then do what feels right. Yeah, it makes sense to me.
I am happy you are in touch with your needs and listening to your body and your intuition. I am sure if will lead to less freezing and a more authentic way of being. Happy to hear that, Beni!
February 21, 2024 at 7:57 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #428001TeeParticipantDear Dafne,
thank you for your kind words and for caring about my well-being. It means a lot to me!
(BTW, I haven’t set a profile picture, so not sure what you mean?)
I am sorry about your father’s coldness and lack of empathy. What he said here is pretty awful:
Now he is saying that if I think that he is not a good father, I should stop calling him and he doesnāt want any contact with me if I ever mention my feelings or want anything from him. He said that his father never helped him and my life should not be easier than his. Also he said that many families are not in contact so it wonāt make any difference for him if I disappear from his life
He was probably treated poorly by his own father, similarly like he is treating you now. It’s pretty rare for a parent to say that their child’s life shouldn’t be easier than theirs. It’s like he wants to punish you for being treated poorly as a child. In any case, I am afraid you really should heed his words and not call him, or at least you should stop expecting him to be different.
I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe Iām trying too hard to recreate what Iāve lost as a child which is impossible? Maybe he is not able to love me at all?
Yes, I am afraid he isn’t able to love you. He is a very selfish and closed-hearted person. I am sorry, Dafne. I know this is hard for you…
He dared to say that children should help financially their parents. That was his understanding of having kids. I told him that yes, youāre right but as a child I needed you firstā¦
You told him well. He indeed sees everything through his own self-interest, and the funny thing is that he actually didn’t help you and your mother financially at all while you were growing up. So you don’t have any moral obligation to help him, after he has treated you and is still treating you poorly.
Tee, I agree with you that there is some strong connection between childhood and the future decisions that are mostly fear based. Iām trying to choose people that are the opposite of what my dadd is but still, the same patterns emerge. They are cold, emotionally unavailable, distant or angry types.
It’s good that you recognize the bad qualities in these men and are not trying to pursue them. That’s already a good start. In order to start attracting more emotionally healthy men, you’d need to work on meeting your own emotional needs first, as we’ve been talking about. Because the religious man seemed kind, but he might have been alarmed by your neediness.
I remember that he asked if I want to get married and I told him that yes, Iām looking for a friendship that leads to something more serious like engagement and hopefully marriage. Maybe this was the reason?
Hm, I don’t think he was put off by you wanting a serious relationship that will ends up in marriage. If he was religious, that’s what he too was probably looking for. I don’t know what has alarmed him, but as I said earlier, it might have been you feeling uncomfortable about his keeping in touch with his ex-wife and his stepson, and maybe feeling some extra neediness on your part?
Thank you Dafne again! You take care too!
TeeParticipantHi Beni,
I am sorry for never replying to this… I had health issues and a related health anxiety too, and it consumed me pretty much and it was hard to post anything constructive here…
How have you been doing?
I belief my heart can stay open to anyone and that boundries can be set with an open heart.
I think you are right. I am learning that at the moment. To not be angry at the person, to want all the best for them, and yet to set boundaries in order to protect myself from abuse. We can have compassion for the person, and yet, the person can be toxic and self-destructive (e.g. someone who is addicted is like that). And that’s why we need to set boundaries. But still, we don’t need to hate them when we set boundaries. We don’t need to close our hearts. So yeah, I agree with you.
At the same time, they might accuse us of being selfish for setting boundaries, they might guilt-trip us. In reality, we are not selfish, it’s just that we don’t want to be manipulated and taken advantage of. We do love them, but we don’t want to enable their addiction, for example.
We can have compassion both for ourselves and for them (for their true self, and their true needs). And from that place, we set boundaries. So yeah, I think it’s possible to keep an open heart and yet protect ourselves from abuse. Thank you for pointing that out…
I hope you are doing well, Beni. I’d love to hear from you, if you’re reading this…
TeeParticipantHi Adam,
I am very sorry for not responding earlier… I am still suffering from health issues and health anxiety, and so it was hard to write here and contribute something constructive…
I hope you are doing well, Adam. I was glad to hear that you are dating a new girl and it was good at the time being. How is it now?
The other important thing my psych mentioned was how I might be finding it harder with new relationships that are more stable simply because I am not getting that āhighā that comes from a ālowā. Rather itās a steady and healthy pace, however I need to remind myself that this is a good thing.
Yeah, you were craving for the “high”, for the blissful moments you sometimes felt with your ex, and this is what made it harder to let her go, even when her behavior turned toxic. Gradually getting to know your partner, gradually deepening emotional intimacy, is I think a better way and has more chances to succeed on the long run.
I was glad to hear that you are doing fine last time you wrote. Sorry for not responding there and then… I hope you are well and will be reading this…
February 21, 2024 at 1:09 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #427996TeeParticipantDear Seaturtle,
I’ve been following some of the conversation on this thread, and have read some of the accounts of N, not all of it.
You are now starting to question if you are a narcissist, and worrying about it, and my impression is that no, you are not. You said on page 2 “I feel that same impulse to let people know they have been heard, it also hurts me deeply when I am the cause of someone else being on the āunseenā end of an interaction with me“.
If you care about other people being seen and heard, and also if you care about how other people feel and if they were hurt by your words/actions, then you are definitely not a narcissist.
There is a good youtube video by a psychologist Kati Morton “Are you a narcissist? 8 common traits of narcissism“, answering this question. Towards the end of the video, she gives a list of questions to ask yourself to determine if you have narcissistic traits:
- Are you concerned about how others feel? Would it bother you if you knew that you upset someone?
- Are you quick to apologize when you’ve hurt someone else’s feelings?
- Does too much attention make you nervous and anxious?
- Do you often think that other people aren’t good enough to associate with you?
- Do you often struggle to apologize or think that every disagreement is someone else’s fault?
- Do you struggle to see things from someone else’s perspective?
From what I could gather, you did care about N’s feelings, but he didn’t care much about yours, e.g. when he would be regularly late for dates, or when he would spend hours in the evening talking to your common roommate, while you were waiting for him in bed. Just to mention a few examples.
You talked about being controlling, but it actually referred to not wanting to engage in some dangerous, adrenaline boosting activities. That’s not control – that’s self-protection. You had every right to refuse the things you were scared of doing.
N is an addict, unfortunately, who is numbing his feelings by smoking weed. That’s probably why nothing seems to bother him (his Teflon approach to problems). However, this also means he isn’t sensitive to either his own pain, neither your pain and your legitimate needs (e.g. to not be late, not disregard you when you are waiting for him, etc).
It seems he was blaming you for having those legitimate needs, telling you are too demanding, or too sensitive. In the meanwhile, he was numbing himself and making himself artificially insensitive.
That’s why I believe it’s a good idea you left him, and that you don’t try to go back and “save” him and make him more sensitive, specially until he is addicted. He might have many good qualities, but his emotional numbness and the pain he is causing you with it isn’t something you should live with.
February 20, 2024 at 11:49 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #427995TeeParticipantDear Daphne,
happy belated New Year to you too! I am sorry for not responding and for disappearing again… it’s my health issues and health anxiety that I am struggling with, and it kind of takes away my capacity and focus to write here on the forum.
I am sorry about the religious man. Yeah, the fact that he wasn’t keeping the conversation alive was a sign that he wasn’t really interested. He never replied to the video you sent him, and then he ghosted you, until you inquired how he was 3 months later.
Did I make a mistake by waiting for him and not asking directly if he wants to go out again with me? Was he not interested enough in me or just not sure of my interest level?
It’s okay that you weren’t pushing it, because it wouldn’t have been any better. Honestly, I think he wasn’t interested enough, because otherwise he would have replied to the video you sent him and kept the conversation going, perhaps asking you on a second date etc.
Or maybe I scared him by saying that my fiancĆ©e passed away many years ago? (afraid that I wonāt love again)? He asked if I could ever love someone new. I told him that yes & that divorce is also a death of a relationship but not sure if he thought the same way. Maybe I opened up too much about my past?
I don’t think you shared too much about yourself. What could have been off-putting for him is that you said that he shouldn’t be in touch with his ex wife (I told him that divorce is also a death of a relationship). Perhaps you also expressed a veiled disappointment that he has a close relationship with his stepson (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past.) So perhaps he felt that you are sensitive to him talking about the people in his past, and caring about his stepson, and this was a red flag for him.
But as I said, I think you reacting like that is the consequence of your childhood wound, having been abandoned by your father. That’s why you want the man in your life “all for yourself” and you are worried if they have any other major interests – because that seems like they are betraying and abandoning you. Do you think this could be the case?
Iām hoping to meet someone who is not afraid of those emotions but sometimes Iām the one running. I realised that I canāt handle emotionally the constant chats on WhatsApp or on the phone. Why is that? I feel overwhelmed if there is too much exchange as well. Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?
Well, I too don’t like to chat to the person I love – I prefer to talk over the phone because it’s easier and the communication can be deeper than over chat. Chat can be exhausting because it takes a lot of time to write down everything I want to say š So I prefer talking on the phone for a deeper, smoother communication.
But if you feel emotionally overwhelmed during a chat, maybe it’s the content of what the person is saying? You said that with the religious man, you felt that the conversation was emotionally draining when he was talking about his stepson and his ex-wife (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for meā¦). So perhaps that particular conversation was emotionally draining because it triggered strong emotions in you (e.g. fear of abandonment, jealousy)?
Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?
I’d say that if we get triggered often in our communication with a potential partner/date, it’s most probably because we have a lot of unprocessed emotions, stemming from those childhood wounds. I don’t think it’s necessarily the issue of being introverted, because introverted people also like to have a deep bond with their significant other. They are not afraid of too much emotional intimacy. So I believe it’s more to do with those unprocessed emotions and wounds, than with being introverted.
Dear Dafne, I think I’ll stop here for now. I hope you are fine. Thank you for checking in on me, and I am sorry once again for responding so late…
TeeParticipantDear Peace,
congratulations on getting married in your homeland too! And having a big wedding that you enjoyed, despite your family not being super happy about it.
What is more important, I am so glad you feel free from your family’s expectations and guilt-tripping, free to enjoy your marriage and your own choices. I am super happy about you and how much you’ve grown and blossomed in these last few years!!
My health is so-so, still suffering from health anxiety. And it is not helping that I have various health issues (smaller but not insignificant) popping up rather frequently… which kind of gives me the reason to worry. So it’s hard to break free from the cycle of worrying… Anyway, I am working on it, hopefully will see some results soon.
During my childhood, my mom was always nice,kinf,loving but not expressive. She never said no to anything I asked, and she never scolded me. She was really kind. But what was missing for me was the feeling of being taken care of. I wished my parents would be more concerned about me, wondering where I was if I disappeared for a bit. Unlike other kidsā parents, mine didnāt ask about my day. It felt like I wasnāt really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others .
It’s nice that your mother was kind and never scolded you. And that she was physically tender with you and never rejected you when you wanted her comfort and soothing (I remember her arms, the hands that fed me, and her lap, where I would rest my head even though I was getting older). That’s very healthy.
Perhaps what was missing was her showing more interest in you, like asking you how your day was, and also perhaps noticing that you feel sad about something and asking you about it? Maybe she failed to protect you if your siblings (or relatives) were cruel with you? (she couldnāt understand that I needed protection and emotional support.)
If so, it would be a type of emotional neglect (failing to protect you, or failing to notice your mood and comfort you). And as you say, this was inherent in the traditional upbringing: Our family followed the older tradition where having a family and kids was normal, and they didnāt think much beyond basic needs like food, clothes, and getting married. It was usual in our culture for older siblings to take care of the younger ones.
If older siblings were supposed to take care of the younger ones, they of course couldn’t take care of their emotional needs, but of their physical safety at most. Which is not enough, because we need emotional safety and attunement even more than food and clothing. So… if you had no one to take care of your emotional needs, no wonder you felt lonely and unwanted, and looked elsewhere to meet that need (It felt like I wasnāt really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others.).
It’s not your mom’s fault – it’s just how she was raised and what she knew. But she also gave you a lot of physical touch and cuddling, which is super important, and she was also never abusive (she never criticized you, yelled at you, shamed you, or emotionally manipulated you). This all means that you did get a lot of her love, only it wasn’t complete. As you yourself said, emotional protection and support was missing… but now you are getting it from your husband, and are also giving it to yourself. Which is why you’ve had a major healing!
And I am super happy for all the healing and growth you’ve experienced, and all the positive vibes coming from you! Congratulations, Peace!
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
ehhh I know, it’s been a long time, and I’ve disappeared again š
It’s mostly because of health issues, larger and smaller, which have been causing me health anxiety. It’s like I do have real health issues (I am not imagining it), but then my fear and worry about it make things worse. It occupies me, and it’s hard to focus on anything productive, including posting here on the forum.
So yeah, I am sorry for not responding and disappearing yet again… And I thank you for being so kind and checking in on me… I really appreciate it, SereneWolf.
How have you been?
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