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Dear Peace,
now it’s getting clearer to me why you were so unhappy in childhood – your mother was too busy with various chores and was a type of person who didn’t say much. It seems like she didn’t ask you too many questions either, e.g. she didn’t inquire how was school, or what’s up, neither did she notice if you felt disturbed or sad about something. Probably that’s why you never had the urge to go to her to complain or confide in her when you had a problem. You didn’t tell her about your period either, neither did you dare to mention the sexual abuse when it happened to you. You had to carry a very big burden by yourself, and it appears that your mother didn’t show too much interest in you and your feelings. Although she didn’t criticize you, she was actually emotionally distant – it was a sort of emotional neglect.
This probably happens quite frequently in big families like yours, but still, you didn’t get the care, attention and protection (and guidance) a child should get. I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.
To be honest, when you first told about your parents – that they were loving and haven’t criticized you – I didn’t understand how come then you had such a hard time as a child. But now I understand – it wasn’t emotional abuse, but emotional neglect. Perhaps if you had been more demanding, your mother would have paid more attention to you. But you were sensitive, you rather withdrew and suffered in silence, because you believed you don’t have the right to demand attention.
All this explains why you’re longing for attention now – you are longing for someone to see you and “mirror” you, to understand you, to be there for you. You said in one of your earlier posts that you wanted from a man to “take a stand for you” (“i feel like no one will ever accept me as a partner everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me“). Your mother, and it appears your father too, never took a stand for you. Never even asked you how you’re doing and what you’re feeling. Never noticed that you’re hurting. You don’t want to go through the pain alone any more, so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.
I think you should find a counselor to work on the sexual abuse trauma, and also to help you heal emotional neglect. So you can be whole within yourself and be able to soothe yourself, without looking for a man to soothe you (which always ended up badly so far). If I were you, I would focus on my healing, I wouldn’t engage in relationships with men for now, because you always end up hurting afterwards. Try to put aside for now the pressure to get married and the whole issue of being a virgin. You need to first find yourself and own yourself, before you can enter in a healthy relationship with a man.
Once you heal, you’ll be able to attract more balanced and emotionally mature men, who will appreciate you for who you are as a person, in your entirety, and won’t see you as a piece of meat or a piece of hymen, as you said. The process of healing and self-discovery may take a while, even a few years, but it’ll be worth it, because the benefits and consequences will be for a lifetime…
Dear Sarasa,
have you ever told him that you like him more than a friend? Have you expressed your feelings for him? From what you’ve written so far, you sort of expected him to do it. You expected that when you wrote him the “goodbye message”, he’ll finally come clean and admit his feelings for you. But he didn’t. But neither have you.
You’re clearly suffering and cannot move on, even if you try to tell yourself you should. But we can’t just move on mentally, if we’re attached to someone emotionally, like you are to this boy. He seems to be attached to you too. You don’t know what he’s really feeling, but neither he does what you‘re feeling. I know it puts you on the spot to express your feelings openly, because what if he rejects you. But that’s the only way you’ll really know.
Because now you’re torturing yourself, instead of just admitting how you’re feeling. If he doesn’t share the same sentiments, then you can start really grieving and moving on. But if he does, it might be the beginning of something really beautiful.
Dear greenshade,
I am sorry things are so hard for you, and that you’re in such a tough spot regarding your father. Based on what you shared about childhood, it’s no wonder that you’re reluctant to visit him and show affection to him, knowing how he treated you and manipulated you in the past.
The staff at the care home is telling you that âhe is not eating he only talks about his daughter he just wants to talk to you”. They are making you feel guilty, probably unintentionally, because they don’t know the truth. And the truth is that he’s been harassing you like that for years, demanding your presence at all times, calling you at work every few hours, complaining “how lonely and sad he was”, telling you how he misses you… in short, making you feel guilty whenever you didn’t spend time with him.
Now he’s doing something similar, trying to coerce you into visiting him, not because he really cares about you and misses you, but because he wants to exert control over you. If he can control you, he can calm down, I guess.
On top of your father’s obsessive control and abuse, you also live in a very controlling and abusive culture. It forces you to live with your parents until you get married, and if you live alone, you’re in danger of being raped. In addition, you’re forced to take care of your parents regardless of how they (mis)treated you, and if you refuse, you’d be labeled as “worst of the worst”.
Just writing this causes anger and righteous indignation in me! No wonder you feel trapped and “don’t know how to escape your life”. But for the sake of your own sanity and your own future, it’d be very important to change your present circumstances, to give yourself a chance at a better life. You owe it to yourself. You’re an intelligent, eloquent woman, educated, with lots of wit, you’ve seen the world and managed to escape the abusive culture for at least 10 months. You can do it again!
You said in June 2019 that you’re planning to go back to your boyfriend in a 2-year time. It would be this summer… How is the situation on that front? Are you still in touch with your boyfriend?
Dear Peace,
you’re welcome. It’s good to hear that you value yourself and your own happiness more than other people’s expectations. I am sorry you had such a horrible experience with that divorced man (I guess?), father of two sons, who called you names and threatened you. As a result, you were keen to receive a certain guarantee from your previous boyfriend (also divorced, who still had obligations towards his ex wife and child, and was unwilling to marry you).
You said the toxic boyfriend made you financially broke, the next one had financial issues too (had to pay for the house for his ex wife and child), and your current boyfriend has money problems too. I actually see a pattern there – perhaps these men are attracted to you because you’re independent, have a job, a decent salary – in other words, you can help them financially (and are willing to do so, because you feel sorry for them).
I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?
Dear patelh,
your situation reminds me of my cousin. Her in-laws never accepted her, were telling she’s not good enough for their son, because she’s a few years older, hasn’t graduated from college, and that she’s messy and doesn’t keep order at home. Well, that may be true, but she’s a good person otherwise and was a good match for her husband. They did well and had 2 beautiful daughters together. The husband was loving in the beginning, but then started to criticize her more and more, falling under the influence of his parents. Eventually he filed for divorce, and they did get a divorce. She was devastated but she’s survived, and probably she’s better off now without the constant criticism and put-downs by her husband and in-laws.
The problem is that he was a weak man, insecure in himself, and didn’t have the guts to confront his parents and defend her. She had low self-esteem issues, and so she tolerated his criticism, and partly thought she deserved it. He was the superior one, she was inferior. She believed it.
I see a lot of similarities with your situation, because as you say, your husband doesn’t respect you and agrees with his parents and family that you’re inferior. It could be that he’s specially rude and impatient with you nowadays because you’re not working and decided not to look for a job at the moment. My cousin’s husband was similar – he didn’t like that she stayed more than one year at home after the birth of their 2nd daughter. He thought she was lazy.
My advice is to separate from your husband because it probably won’t get better. It could in theory, if you move somewhere else, where he’s further away from his family. But it’s not a guarantee because they can still influence him – and he seems very susceptible to their opinion. If he doesn’t respect you, that’s a huge and No1 problem. Another problem is if you don’t respect yourself…. You’d need to work on your self-esteem and decide that you’re good enough, there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you don’t want to tolerate this kind of attitude.
I guess if you’d like to separate, you would need to find a job, so it’s not the best timing for you now. But this situation with your husband isn’t really sustainable and will only make you miserable.
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