Dear Felix,

I feel bad, as i feel that i’ve been lying… and they might hate me if they find out that i do nothing to contribute to that development. Do u think im overthinking things or they could really end up hating me (the people who thought im busy)?

You’re not lying if you simply post about a new development, without saying something deceiving such as “just completed this development – phew, it was a lot of work but we finally did it!” If you simply share the information, that’s fine. You can still be proud of your company’s achievements, even if it’s not your personal achievement.

If some people think it’s you who worked on it, and they make such comments, you can say “I wasn’t personally involved much in the project, but I am very proud of it, it’s so cool”, or something along those lines. There’s nothing wrong about it. If you would consciously deceive people, making them believe it’s your merit and you worked hard on it, that would be deception and it wouldn’t be okay.

I apologize if i’ve been asking the same thing, i just wanna make sure my mind is completely settled… and it’s starting to get better day by day.

I am glad you’re starting to feel better day by day…

As for the girl, she has been someone you’ve been chatting with for 4 years (or even 6 years?) regularly. This means you had a connection, and she was interested in you. It wasn’t necessarily a romantic interest, but it might have been a friendly interest or an undefined interest. Nevertheless, it meant a lot to you because she was maybe the only one who showed sincere interest in you, and it felt so good. Since you have a low self-esteem, you needed someone who cares about you and appreciates you, because you didn’t care about yourself and had all those negative feelings about yourself. She was someone who didn’t condemn you, like you condemned yourself. That’s why she’s so precious in your mind.

As you start developing more self-esteem and start appreciating yourself more, you don’t need to depend on her to give you that positive attention. You can give positive attention (e.g. love, self-compassion, understanding) to yourself. It will be easier to stop obsessing about her, because what you need from her you can actually give to yourself.

I always feel that she’s so lucky that there’s a guy who keeps thinking of her like this.. how lucky it is to be her.

I think it’s because you feel you would be so lucky if there were someone who thinks like that of you. You haven’t experienced that someone has these positive thoughts about you, since you parents rather had negative, worrying thoughts about you. You crave for someone who would have positive, affirming, appreciating thoughts of you.

Well, the first person who needs to have such positive thoughts about you is yourself, Felix. And then, you will be much more relaxed and you won’t worry so much if other people have positive thoughts about you or not. You’ll feel warm around your heart because you love yourself. And you won’t obsess about what other people think of you and whether they hate you. So it all starts with yourself and giving yourself those positive thoughts that you crave from others.

Dear Jack,

So some mutual friends wanted to go for dinner tonight, but a few couldn’t make it so they’ve organised it for early tomorrow evening.

The girl I’m dating suggest 6pm and then 7pm.

It kind of hurt because it kind of seems like she forgot we’re going out together from 4:30pm.

If I understand well, you’re hurt because the two of you had a date planned for Saturday (today) 4:30 pm. But then the dinner with mutual friends has been moved also on Saturday, and your girlfriend accepted it and suggested it to be first at 6pm, then at 7pm? You believe she forgot that you two are having a date at 4:30pm.

Perhaps she forgot at first, but then she remembered and suggested rather 7pm, so the two of you still have some time together before the dinner with friends. Or it means your date will be ruined if you have to rush to that dinner?

Dear Felix,

you’re very welcome.

After this explanation regarding the construction business, do u think the solution is still the same? Is it still related to low self esteem?

Yes, you were bragging or exaggerating to have people like you and think highly of you, and that’s because you lack self-esteem. Once you improve your self-esteem, you can still post about your father’s construction business (even if it’s not your father’s only, but he has a partner). So you can post about it, maybe with the intention to advertise it, or to inform people about some achievement (e.g. new building completed), or to inform people about a new development.

It’s not a sin to share about your father’s company for advertising purposes (something like: I am proud to present to you this new development, and btw if you know someone who’s interested in buying an apartment in this complex, here’s the info…) A little self-praise and healthy self-esteem is totally okay. But if your posts are driven by an unmet need – by a craving to be praised, and if without the praise of other people you feel worthless – that’s when it’s not healthy.

As for the aquarium business, I’ve already told you I think it’s cool and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. So if you feel like it, you can advertise that business too. If someone looks down on it, it’s their problem. There will always be people who don’t like the same things that you like – you can’t please everybody. That’s something you need to take into consideration – you can never please everybody. Even the greatest videos on youtube get dislikes. The less you seek approval and praise from others, the better and freer you’ll feel…

As for the girl you like, there are too many uncertainties and so many things that can change within 4 years. I think you have a good attitude: you’re not waiting for her or expecting that she chooses you. You’re open to finding a good, loving relationship, in which you’ll be happy. You told her something very wise: “If indeed we’re meant to be with each other then we will be together…. then she said okay…”

I think it’s a good attitude. It’s okay if she sometimes pops up in your mind, but you’re not obsessing about her or hoping for something she never promised. So it seems to me you have a good attitude – just keep at it!

= Yeah i’ve decrease my time on social media… like i decrease it a lot… and i also dont want to post and more insta stories unless i really have to, because with this personality of mine i will only give myself a headache.

Good you’ve reduced it… When you post, try to ask yourself “what’s my intention?” If it’s “to get praise because I feel bad without it”, then don’t post it. But as I said, if you want to post from a place of feeling good and positive about yourself, or you want to advertise your company, or want to share some achievement, either your personal or your company’s achievement – you can post about it, there’s no harm in it. It can be fun and even useful in terms of business.

Dear Madi,

I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be married to him and so this relationship will always have an expiration date.

This relationship will always have an expiration date, but not because you’re not good enough to be married, but because of his fears around getting married, which have nothing to do with you. If he doesn’t deal with his fears, he won’t be able to marry you, or stay married to you, even if he loved you very much.

When I explain these things he also said he’s also not sure about his plans because he feels this now but he never used to feel this before and he may not be this way in the future.

You mean he never felt the fear of getting married come up so strongly in his previous relationships, but only with you? If so, he’s probably very much attracted to you and sees you as a potential long-term partner, but this triggers his fear. He’s very conflicted because on one hand he loves you and would like to hold on to the relationship (he told you he can’t live without you), but on the other, this is exactly what triggers his fear.

I understand it’s hard for you to be totally relaxed and in the moment, when there’s this looming possibility of breakup down the road – even if you’re not sure yet if you’d want to marry him some day. You said you want to have marriage at least as an option, and you’re right that with him, this option is practically non-existent, unless he works on his fears in therapy. He might have stopped mentioning it for the moment, but the fear isn’t gone, he’s just controlling it better in front of you.

So if you want to be in a relationship with someone with whom you do have the long-term option, I think you should ask him to deal with his fears. If you’re so important to him, he should be willing to work on it. If he refuses, then you know where you stand. How does this sound to you?

Dear Ashmitha,

something else occurred to me – that he seems to be meeting his emotional needs with his friends and family, and not with you. You said you’re emotionally quite closed off and it’s hard for you to share your feelings. Once when you were upset with him and were reluctant to be intimate with him, yous said he had to pry information from you – it was so hard for you to tell him what’s bothering you.

In order to have an honest relationship, you’d need to be able to tell him what’s bothering you, e.g. “I am hurt when you don’t want to spend weekends with me.” Or, “I feel neglected when you don’t reply to my texts.” Using the “I” form. Not accusing him or blackmailing him (e.g. by withholding intimacy), but expressing your feelings and your need.

Something like: “I am hurt when you don’t want to spend weekends with me. I would need you to spend every second weekend with me.”

Do you think you’d be able to do that? Maybe you’re afraid that if you’re so open and “demanding”, he’d abandon you. But for a relationship to work, you’d need to be able to express your feelings and your needs in this way.

Dear Ashmitha,

I can’t tell if it is my own insecurities making me feel this way or if his behaviours are concerning.

Unfortunately, his behavior is concerning. It wasn’t that clear in your last thread, although it was strange already then that he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone, whereas he does frequently with his family. But now it’s very clear that he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. The fact that he hasn’t told his family about you (as a serious, committed relationship with the prospect of marriage) and that he doesn’t want to spend time with you on the weekends, but only after work for sex basically, is very concerning.

You say he’s respectful – but how is it respectful that he hides your relationship (of 1.5 years) from his family? That he doesn’t want to spend a weekend with you doing common program? If he’s not interested to spend lots of time with you now, then when will he be interested?

You also say he’s a good guy. But I would like to ask you – how exactly is he good towards you? How does he show his appreciation towards you?

Dear Umm,

I am glad this is helpful and you want to go deeper, to the core of the problem.

It appears your mother is strict and controlling (like mine 🙂 ), constantly worried about you and not having faith in you. Does she criticize you often too? If so, you’ve probably grown up with the feeling of not being good enough, and “there’s something terribly wrong with me”.  You also probably think you’re unlovable and don’t deserve love. That’s why you allow people to mistreat you – because deep down, you believe you don’t deserve better.

You’re attracted to people who are problematic and are trying to “save” them, so you could finally get the love you crave for. Those people are a little like your mother – critical of you, trying to control you (like your boyfriend), and not really giving you the love you deserve. But you’re hoping that some day, they will change and will finally love you as you’d want them to. It’s almost like trying to make your mother love you, only now it’s not your mother but your boyfriend. But the dynamic is similar.

How do you break free from it? First, by recognizing that you’re running this pattern, and that there’s a wounded child inside of you who is still chasing your mother’s love. Then to give love to your inner child, to make her feel loved and appreciated. This will re-write the false imprint that you’re not good enough and that you don’t deserve love.

It’s not an overnight process, but it starts with a realization that there’s an unmet need in you (for love) that you need to fulfill by loving yourself, not by expecting others to fill it. Once you do that, your relationships will change too…

Dear miyoid,

I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother.

You don’t demand much, unlike your older sister, right? If I remember well, you mentioned once she too was narcissistic, like your father. She could demand stuff for herself, same as your father could. How did your sister behave around your father? Did she have a problem expressing her needs? And around your mother?

It seems that in your family, your father had the biggest right to demand things, then came your sister, then your mother, and then you. Your mother couldn’t demand things from your father (e.g. she couldn’t demand that she visit her father, or that your father help her with the household). She tolerated the poor treatment and probably suffered in silence. She didn’t demand anything from your father. Is that correct?

But from you, she demanded not to disturb her with your “minor” problems. Perhaps it wasn’t a direct demand, perhaps she didn’t tell you “Stop bothering me with your problems!”, but she did downplay them, she said they’re nothing compared to her problems. So the effect was the same – she wanted you not to disturb her, i.e. not to demand compassion and understanding from her. I can imagine your sister was different and demanded things more freely from your mother? And got her attention too?

This makes you feel jealous – because your sister was loud enough and rude enough to get what she wants, without even deserving it. While you silently accepted rejection – you accepted that you won’t get what you want, neither from your mother nor your father. You probably feared that you’d be abandoned if you demand anything (and this fear started very early, when you were a baby and woke up soon after your mother would put you to sleep).

Recently, when you’ve shared with your mother that you’re depressed, and when you refused to back off, what you got at least is her attention. She got worried about you. You didn’t get her compassion and understanding, but at least you got her attention for a moment, because you didn’t back off immediately. You backed off only after you made your point. That’s when you told her the usual – not to worry, and that you’ll try to get better.

But still, you made a step, you expressed yourself, so try to appreciate that and get the feel of how it is to express your need without immediately retreating. Actually, I think it’s better in this instance that you reassured your mother that you won’t do anything stupid and that you won’t harm yourself, so she doesn’t worry. However, try practicing expressing your needs more often, and demanding that what is yours, without immediately backing off. You can practice it in imaginary situations first, if you don’t feel like trying it in real life. Practice what you would say to a person (perhaps to your sister?) who you feel doesn’t care about you and doesn’t take your needs into consideration.

Btw, it’s a normal phase in a child’s development to be very selfish and e.g. not want to share their toys with anybody. A child needs to go through the phase of “it’s mine, give it to me!”, because that’s a key for a healthy personality development. It appears you skipped this phase because you were afraid you’d be abandoned if you demand things for yourself…

I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky

More spoiled – like your sister? I think you have the right to demand what’s rightfully yours, by all means. It doesn’t mean being spoiled, but simply having legitimate needs. So I encourage you to be more “spoiled” and as a first step, allow yourself to feel the need inside of you, and to say to yourself “I want this and I deserve this”.

most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

Do you know what you need from a relationship? As an exercise, you can write a list of all of the things you’d want in a relationship (you may or may not share it here). And then think – do I deserve this? I bet that most or all of those needs are legitimate needs, and you absolutely deserve them.