Dear Ishita,

Sorry, I thought it was very recent, and that you started to get back together again. But I understand now that before you took a break from the relationship, you had hot and cold phases, and this was one such “warming up” phase after a colder period. You still didn’t know at that point that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I get it now.

Well, although in this particular incident he doesn’t seem very guilty, he had led you on, heavily flirted with you and gave you false hopes during November/December. And he probably knew what he was doing, since he recognized such behavior in other guys.

You have put him “on hold” and now your relationship is strictly formal (extremely formal on his side), but he’s waiting for your decision and for resuming the relationship in some form.

If I understood well, you now want to completely break off the friendship, because he betrayed your trust and you could never trust him again.

You’re in a dilemma about whether to:

• call him immediately and tell him that the friendship is over, or wait until your common project ends, to create less commotion,
• and if you call him, whether to tell him openly about the reasons for breaking-off the friendship and trying to make him see his mistake or not

These are your questions and dilemmas:

I think I should let him know (on call), that he shouldnt wait, and more than that I want to let him know that he just hurt me so bad that I cant even think of being friends with him (but I dont want to explain him why I think so, because I think I am done with that and I dont know what his reaction will be like, I seriously wouldnt want to get into an argument with him then)

Would that be a stupid idea,? And if not, would it be better if I call him right away since I feel this suffering or should I wait for this project to end peacefully first?

Now, the thing is I feel I shouldnt , sort out with him whatever I am feeling right now, because somewhere I feel, he would still not own up to his part of mistake, and instead would either defend himself by not analysing deeply or would indulge in gaslighting. So, I dont know if this confessing would actually help me let go or not?

But a part of me also believes that if he cared even a bit about me, then maybe he will understand and have a bit of remorse at least.

But I dont know what to do?

It’s not easy to tell, but perhaps you could wait for the project to end, and then talk to him. As for trying to explain to him how he betrayed your trust, you may want to do it, since it seems in your nature to want to explain things and not leave things unspoken and unresolved, if possible. So you might want to try to explain how he betrayed your trust, and that you don’t buy that he was clueless about what he was doing. You can try to “make your case”, and see his reaction.

The worst that can happen is that he again tries to gaslight you – to deny that there was any inappropriate behavior on his side and refuse his responsibility for misleading you. If you can deal with such denial, without starting to doubt yourself – so if you’re strong enough and able to deal with his potential gaslighting – then do it. If on the other hand you feel that he would be merciless and vicious (he might be if he is a narcissist) and that it would hurt you even more, then don’t do it.

That’s the best I can come up so far… but it’s not easy to decide, perhaps there are more things to take  into consideration.

Dear ninibee,

now that Anita mentioned your first post on this thread, another thing caught my attention there. You said you’d been afraid to log in for a long while out of shame of what you’d posted earlier:

I have posted on these forums before, but spend large chunks of time avoiding logging back on out of shame for what I have posted. Maybe a few of you have experienced from those occasions, (I think) I am a quite disagreeable and dislikable person.

You believed that people on this forum might remember you as “quite disagreeable and dislikable person”, even though they later confirmed none of the kind. Both Anita and Brandy expressed that they had a positive experience interacting with you on previous threads. This means that you believe you leave a bad taste in people’s mouths, and that you say shameful things, when in fact it’s not true. It is your perception.

Has somebody actually told you you leave a bad taste in their mouth?

Dear Ishita,

Thanks for giving some examples…

So then I get this angry message from him, that u just told me u werent available , and now u are in the meeting and I was waiting for you(when I had already let him know that I wouldnt want him to wait) .  So, I left the meeting and called him immediately, but he just wouldn’t pick my calls at that point and neither talk to me, he was pissed for I dont know what reasons. But unresolved issues make me bothered even if it doesn’t to him

Well, this incident when you couldn’t come on meet (and texted him about it), after which he got offended and acted like a spoiled brat – definitely shows his immaturity. Not only then, but on multiple other occasions too, he expected you to drop everything for him, to always be available, to talk to him first before talking to anybody else – but he didn’t do the same for you. It really seems he used you when he needed you to boost his mood, but I don’t think he genuinely cared about you.

And you’re right that he probably knew what he was doing by leading you on, because he could see and recognize similar behavior in other guys. So he’s not that innocent and clueless as he’s portraying himself to be.

And apart from these conversations there used to be his weird expectations that I talk to him first before anyone else if I told him i will call him back or so and let him know whenever I am gng out (which is kind of what a boyfriend would say)

Actually, if he’s a narcissist, this might have even been his strategy to make you believe he cares about you. Like, I care so much, I am so possessive of you. It looked like a behavior of a jealous boyfriend, and no wonder you thought he might really have feelings for you. But it might have been actually an act…

This is what I’ve got so far, I am still thinking about the best plan of action, and whether you should confront him. Let’s wait what Anita has to say…

Dear Ishita,

Good to read from you again! I am sorry you’re still struggling with feeling betrayed and disappointed in your friend. This is what I am noticing so far: you appear to be someone who is very cautious not to send wrong signals to male friends:

I m someone who is very particular about what kind of vibe each and everything in my life is setting in me that includes the things that I do and the people I am involved with.

And incase of a male friend I am even more careful, because I have almost always had a bad experience with getting close to a guy friend that they kind of start having feelings even though they know I dont feel that way. And then it no longer stays the same.

You are very careful not to cross boundaries and not to be misunderstood, because you had a bad experience with a male friend misinterpreting your kindness and openness, I guess, and it was uncomfortable for you. So you’re super cautious not to send the wrong vibe.

You believed he was a solid guy, you respected him a lot and looked up to him, so you thought he is similar like you and would never send wrong signals and cross boundaries unless he meant it. You believed that he shared the same values as you do in this respect, and that he’s mature enough not to lead people astray. What I am thinking is that he might be mature and responsible enough in other fields, like his studies, and supporting you in standing up for what’s right, but it doesn’t mean he has the emotional maturity and insight that you do. It appears you’re emotionally more mature than he is.

He probably felt good receiving all that attention from you, especially after his breakup, when his self-esteem was hurt, and he didn’t think about the consequences. Maybe he was aware of what he was doing but didn’t have the emotional maturity to stop himself from doing it.

And then it struck me, that if all of this never meant  to him as crossing the friendship boundaries, did I even know this person? Was he even ever a friend or was he selfish enough to let our friendship be ruined for his personal means?

I’d say you knew him partially, but not completely. This situation revealed that he probably lacks emotional maturity. Was he selfish? Well yes, he did what felt good to him without thinking much of the consequences. I’m not sure though how aware he was of what he was doing to you. That’s why it’s good you asked him and clarified it.

This really broke me, he is one of the only two friends of mine with whom I have tried to stay in touch everyday, (the other is my bestfriend )  and now it shatters my self esteem that I could allow someone to have this much of my attention and affect with their toxic behaviour in my life. I feel bad that i thought i could trust him with myself, that even though guys have this tendency of leading girls on, he is not one of em.

You seem to be disappointed not only in him, but also in yourself for not seeing his intentions earlier. For not seeing that he wasn’t really this perfect guy you thought him to be. Well, it wasn’t your fault really, because you didn’t have a full picture of him earlier. You saw him as solid, reliable, responsible, kind…  because you weren’t in a position to see him from this proximity. Now you had the chance, and you’re not in an illusion any more.

I don’t know if he’s narcissistic – which means irreparably selfish and self-centered – or he simply needs more self-awareness and emotional maturity. Perhaps you’d need to figure that out before you decide how to proceed with him.

These are my thoughts for now, let me know what you think…

Dear lk09,

I wish I had simple lives like those friends of mine who met their partners in college and married them after college.

If we had simple lives, we wouldn’t be here on this forum 🙂

I read somewhere that around 50% of people in the US (elsewhere might be different) are securely attached as children, which means they later don’t have problems in creating healthy relationships, while 50% are insecurely attached (be it anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), which later creates problems in relationships. So, we belong to 50% of the population… which means there are many many people like us. Very rare are those who marry their high-school sweetheart and remain with them till the end…

I have never met anyone who cherished me like I was a prize they won.

That’s a part of the craving, I’ve tried to explain it before. You said you wanted him to not be ashamed to walk hand in hand with you and show the world that you are his. It’s your craving to be valued and affirmed that you’re special and important – which you haven’t received in your family. In your family your sister was special and important, while you were secondary, you weren’t seen, your wishes weren’t respected, you were bullied. I am thinking your sister is probably narcissistic, and has abused you, and your parents never stood to protect you, but rather, defended and excused her abusive behavior. The result is that you feel unwanted, lesser, unimportant, not special… You crave to be someone’s No1.

But even if you get it from someone, it won’t satisfy the inner craving – you need to heal the craving by accepting your own worth and specialness. And then, someone who is able to truly appreciate you and remember your birthday and make you his No1 will show up…

I don’t think I know what a healthy normal relationship is like. And I am afraid.

Work on your self-esteem, learn how to value yourself, and you’ll start attracting people who truly appreciate you, not in an obsessive way (like “I can’t live without you, I am lost without you, I am no one and you give my life meaning”), but in a healthy way…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ava,

you’re welcome.

In case you know more about the topic, would you mind elaborating more on the topic of people changing personality during sex?

Unfortunately I don’t know much more, just that sex involves (or should involve) intimacy. If we’ve experienced wounding and abuse in our closest relationships, i.e. with our parents, the related hurt and the need to revenge and punish the perpetrators may come up during sex. Your girlfriend might have experienced some sort of abuse, possibly sexual, and her abusive behavior towards you is the result.

Since she wants to have (abusive) sex practically all the time, it means her personality is almost completely consumed by her shadow self. Even though you might have compassion for her, and seek to understand her better, try to remove yourself from the situation in which you are exploited, as Anita also suggested.

Dear lk09,

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

Your sister had the right to make a mistake, didn’t she? She was engaged back in 2018, and then the wedding was cancelled (not sure whose fault it was though?). And she is about 33 now, right? So she received that grace and understanding from your parents. You have the right to get the same treatment…

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

As I said before, I believe the reason is a childhood wound… there was a dynamic with him where you were his savior, his helper, he valued you and looked up to you, you helped him in his decisions, and the two of you were similar in many aspects. You could even tell him your darkest secrets, you could be completely honest with him. You thought he was “your person”, the other half you were waiting for while watching the skies…

The truth is that you were valued and appreciated and seen by him – some of the time. But you were also unappreciated and rejected by him at other times, lots of other times. Now it occurs to me that it almost reflects your childhood experience – you were loved and appreciated by your granny in your early childhood, but then you were rejected and unappreciated by your parents and sister later.

He was the promise of perfect love, where you would be loved, appreciated and valued at all times. The childhood dynamic was there: you were doing your best to get his love (you were doing that with your parents too), you were trying to help him heal so he can finally love you. You craved for love from someone who couldn’t fully love you…  the same as in your childhood. That’s why you were so hooked, and why it’s so hard to get unhooked now.

I believe the way to heal is to learn to love, appreciate and value yourself at all times. You thought you love yourself, but when you’re accepting lesser treatment, when you need to beg for someone’s love, when you’re afraid to tell your parents not to  arrange marriage for you – all those are examples when you’re not loving and respecting yourself enough. When you feel awkward during a group setting, probably feeling judged by others (you didn’t answer why you feel awkward?), you also don’t love yourself enough. If you work on loving yourself completely, your magnetic attraction to people who can’t love you completely will lessen.

Dear lk09,

regarding your drunk incident, I think you should forgive yourself you kissed that guy back because you weren’t aware of what’s going on around you. At the same time, drinking to the point of passing out isn’t really helpful, so I think you’d need to look at that tendency – if it’s a tendency and not an isolated event? Do you feel more relaxed and funny at a party, if you drink?

As for confessing it immediately to your boyfriend – well, since you two were honest about everything and knew each other’s vices, then it makes sense. And I guess it didn’t harm your relationship. Sometimes though it’s not necessary to confess everything, specially if we know it will hurt the person and it was some foolishness we did once and never again.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.