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TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
you are welcome!
I feel when i write this stuff down i need a couple of days to come back and deal with it. Its like this endless flow of emotional stuff that doesnt seem to end.
Sure, take your time. I understand it’s not easy to write it all down and feel the weight of it… so please, take it easy.
I think the bit about C-PTSD is very interesting, the concept that you donĀ“t feel safe or feeling like you need to be a āwarriorā to the outside world is pretty familiar.
I am glad it resonates with you. Learning about C-PTSD helped me too to understand myself better and how the sense of safety is key. And with childhood trauma, we don’t have that sense of safety (either physical or emotional or both). We feel constantly in danger, and then as a reaction, we either fight or flee.
Even trying to identify my mom as a source of this issue is still hard for me. She said only yesterday that i should try EMDR therapy and had my therapist suggested it? my therapist has really only suggested i join groups, classes and get out more.
I understand it’s hard for you. But actually, her trying to be “helpful” when you are down isn’t anything new, right? You said that when you complain, she always gives you advice, but also tends to dismiss the severity of your problem, or starts talking about some minor stuff of her own. As far as I understood, she is good at giving advice without empathy.
And then when you are doing fine, she “goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”
So the dynamic seems to be like this: as long as you are down, miserable and unhappy, she seems helpful. But as soon as you are up, “on top of things” and proud of your achievements, she is unhappy.
This is how I would explain it: when you are unhappy and miserable, she is not endangered by you because she gets to stay on top. But when you are successful, she does feel endangered, and she doesn’t like it. That’s when she punishes you by withdrawing her love and support.
I think the problem is that i cant complain, cant argue with friends for fear of losing them..but will anyway. If you cant be honest with each other then where is the reality.
But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulderā¦so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.
I think you might be right that when you complain a lot, it may become too much of a burden for your friends. I assume they (at least some of them) want the best for you, they would like you to be happy. But they don’t know how to help, and so they distance themselves a bit. Would you say that’s true?
i feel a lot of shame for not having a career. Shame! another factor that i dont really need right now.
Yes, shame is another component of C-PTSD. No wonder you feel shame, if you have been compared to others a lot.Ā You were in a difficult situation, because on one hand, your mother was jealous of you and didn’t like you to achieve. But it was never openly expressed – it was covert. What she did express openly was comparing you to others and making you feel worse than them. But if you were better than them (or equally good as them), she wouldn’t be happy… so it seems to me like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.
Problem is, i know im strongerā¦ maybe IM the covert narc or able to emulate one.
No, dear World (I’d much prefer to call you World, if that’s okay with you? Because you are much bigger and expansive than what you believe!), you are not a covert narcissist.Ā If you were, you wouldn’t have shame about yourself and you wouldn’t think of yourself as a dork who messes up everything.
So please, don’t think of yourself as a narcissist.Ā You only want your power back – power that you had to relinquish to please your mother…
March 21, 2024 at 12:13 am in reply to: Is he playing?? Have I been ghosted?? Feeling stupid and heartbroken #428846TeeParticipantDear Laven,
what I am noticing is that your relationship was rather rocky from the start, with quite a few disagreements:
When we would have disagreements sometimes, and would stop communicating for a few days..due to differences of opinions..
I told him that we had to learn how to better communicate with one another, and not putĀ much space between us when there are disagreements.
You would stop communicating after those disagreements (I don’t know if it was him or you who stopped contact?), but then he would be the one to apologize and seek contact again:
he always ventured back to me often apologizing, telling me that he missed me, and just wanted to sit down and talk in person
Could you say a little bit about the nature of those disagreements? Because if two people have fundamentally different views on topics that are important to them, it’s not a good prospect for a relationship anyway.
It’s not a good sign either that he recently told you he wanted to break up with you:
Two days before we saw each other last, he told me that he didnāt think it would work out between us and was pursuing other women on social media..and was going to focus on thatā¦ I got really upset and heartbroken and wanted clarity..
And then after you got very upset, he apologized and backtracked and told you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you:
then later on that day he begged me to forgive him and told me he was just saying that to make me jealous,Ā and to see if I was really interested and cared about him. That he felt uncared for by me. He said now that he knew how I felt, he wanted to make plans to spend the rest of our lives together.Ā That I was the only one for him, etcā¦.
This is a sign that he is internally very conflicted about this relationship: on one hand he wants it (he initiates contact after your disagreements, he apologizes and begs, he comes home from work just to get a hug). But at the same time, he ghosts you after sex, which is a very hurtful behavior, and he also told you directly that he doesnāt think the relationship would work out and is seeking other women.
I am almost certain that I saw him there with another woman as well and they were making outā¦
He swears that there are no other womenā¦
Even if there are no other women at the moment, he is thinking about it. He seems conflicted, he might have self-esteem issues (being worried about his sexual performance), but in any case, it doesn’t look promising, as it is now.
He is definitely hurting you with his hot-and-cold behavior, his disappearing after intimacy, his promises which he later breaks. This is not sustainable, it’s not a basis for a healthy relationship.
He would need to not only admit that he has a problem (as he is doing now, when he apologizes), but also act on it, e.g. seek therapy. Because right now, his behavior is abusive: he apologizes for hurting you and tells you something that sounds good (e.g. that “he often has trouble expressing his emotions”). He promises not to hurt you again, but then he still does. So it’s a false promise, and the abuse keeps happening.
I think that unless he agrees to seek counseling, you shouldn’t be hoping for him to change. Even if he is not manipulating you on purpose and playing games with you, he is hurting you. His behavior is abusive.
I sometimes feel like confronting him, but I think that may be a bad idea. I donāt want him to think that I am desperate and thinking about him.
Iām soo confused and heartbroken. It is extremely difficult moving onā¦especially living in close proximity to one another.
I am sorry you are hurting, Laven. He does seem like trouble. I am not sure if you should confront him and ask him to seek therapy, or you should just let go. I don’t know if based on everything you said, he is a good match for you and actually worth pursuing… (considering your frequent arguments, for example, which might indicate deeper disagreements).
TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
I am glad to hear more about your story. I am really sorry you are suffering so much and I totally understand it is very hard, with you being very sensitive to any setback and feeling like you are only getting bad luck all the time. You’ve mentioned that you might be suffering from PTSD, as a result of bullying (online and at your workplace):
I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof.
I believe that you do indeed suffer from PTSD, but in fact Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is another name for childhood trauma. Almost every adult who has been emotionally abused or neglected as a child, and hasn’t healed, suffers from C-PTSD, and I am one of them too.
You once mentioned you feel chemically different than other people, and in a way, that’s true. People with C-PTSD have a dysregulated nervous system. They feel constantly on edge, in the fight-or-flight mode. They feel in danger, needing to defend themselves (fight) or run away (flight) all the time. They also feel hypervigilant and sensitive to any negative outer signal. You said that about yourself too:
My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity.
I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much.
I can’t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.
i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head.
i feel like ive been beaten up mentally.
All these are signs of C-PTSD. The good news is that there is cure for it. A big part of it is learning to find a sense of safety in your own body, and thus calming down your nervous system, so that it’s not on high alert all the time. We can talk about it more and I can give you some resources, if you’re interested.
But I’d like to explain why I think you got C-PTSD in the first place. I think it’s related to your mother and her being a covert narcissist, and the effects it had on you. Here is what you said about your childhood:
When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out.
There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up.
In my experiencesā¦when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me.
I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible. … But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present.
You didn’t get disapproval, but you didn’t get approval and encouragement either. Your mother would go silent if you achieved something good, right? You said “when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”
You also said: when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother meā
I can imagine that it was actually your mother who was unhappy when you did well. Because she would get distant and silent and looked unhappy, wouldn’t she?
You said she was very good at victimizing herself too, making other people feel sorry for her. So I can imagine how you didn’t want to “brag” about any of your achievements, because that would make her sad and distant, and possibly go into a self-pitying mode. And it would make you feel guilty.
That’s why it was better for you to dumb yourself down, wear baggy clothes, not really talk about your successes. Because there was always someone (your mother) waiting to take away your joy and make you feel guilty about being successful.
When you say you could never “get on top of things”, it seems to me that you could never claim your victory and be proud of your successes – because she would always take it away from you. She did it with her hidden (covert) jealousy and her self-pitying. This is what covert narcissists do to their children. I wonder if this is what your mother did too?
If so, I can see how you were not allowed to be successful, you felt guilty for it. And of course, you felt angry about it too, rightfully so. Because you had to suppress yourself and your achievements. And you still feel that same anger, and want to prove yourself, because you were never allowed to prove yourself as a child.
How does this sound to you?
TeeParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels,
I am glad you are seeing a therapist, even if you’re not sure if “any of this introspection will lead anywhere.” It’s good to talk to someone non-judgmental and someone who doesn’t compete with you. Because so far, when you complained to your mother, you said she was “a narcissist” about it:
My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when i am depressed and when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy
Does being a narcissist mean that when you complained about your problems, she offered you advice but had no empathy? Like, criticizing you and almost lecturing you while trying to be “helpful”? (because that’s what my mother did)
You also said:
Whenever i am super vunerable, feeling mad at the world and upset like this..my mother has no words of support for me.. She will in fact find ways to tell me off and make me feel worse. There are times when you just want someone to hear you out, for them to tell you something that will calm you..to listen to you.
So when you want to have some empathy and understanding from your mother, and some comforting words, she doesn’t listen. In fact, she will say things that will make you feel worse. She will mention someone who is successful (e.g. your sister), or she will start complaining about some minor problem of her own, totally disregarding your pain:
She invariably talks about someone who has everything going well or some really small problem that SHE has and my mom is really well taken care of. In this case she said how my sibling is looking for a property to buy and i wasnt helping her (my sister just recently bought an expensive property last year) they are doing amazingly well because where they live the income is relatively good (in USA), he works and my sister raises her child and supports business but generally has a lot of free time. She wants to buy something near us and i want to be happy for her but she has had so much good fortune its sometimes too much to hear. It feels like my mom wanted to thrust that in my face again.
You said your parents support you, but unfortunately I don’t see any emotional support (at least as far as your mother is concerned), even if they might be helping you financially:
Im tired of looking to my parents as a source of my problems..even if they fit a picture, they have been supportive through this. I know you might say its perpetuating a certain pattern in my life but right now..i have no one else really around me.
I have needed their help financially quite a bit
Emotional support is at least as important as financial support. And in our childhood, emotional support is KEY for the child’s healthy development, much more important than having plenty of material things.
My parents also provided for me materially, but I was very much deprived emotionally. And in my adulthood too, as my mother gave me money, she also expressed her disapproval of me and in general made me feel weak and not good enough. She never said she has faith in me, for example.
I think something similar might be happening with you too. It seems to me that your mother’s support comes with a “twist” (dismissal of your feelings, criticism, comparison to others). And it might be actually contributing to you feeling hopeless and like a failure (I also just dont have faith that what i put my heart into will be a success, ive seen so much disappointment that i cant bear any more.)
That’s why I think you shouldn’t really expect to get emotional support and understanding from your mother, because it will only bring you down. Instead, keep going to therapy and talk to someone who can really hear you, someone different than your mother.
I hope you’ll keep sharing here, as well…
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Yes only one but even with him there was different kind of communication mostly we would just play with each other and just talk about crazy ideas and we were both brilliant students.
Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?
I thought about it and I think itās that feeling like unconditional love doesnāt exist so they must be need me for something thatās why theyāre being nice.etc
Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.
I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.
Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).
I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like āpeople are just there for their meansā
Did your parents use to say that?
At friendship level I do trust lately I found that itās really easy for me to make friends. I made two friends and much younger than me and both are quite understanding and mature and Iām trying to be more vulnerable with them since they donāt shy away to be vulnerable with me.
Good to hear you can now make friends more easily. This means some of your fears are melting away… for example, the fear of showing vulnerability is melting away, which is great!
But when it comes to romantic relationships thatās where trust is no more
Yeah, in a romantic relationship stakes are higher. One bares their soul completely, and that’s pretty vulnerable. Also, the attachment is stronger than with friends. If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.
The things is that attachment and vulnerability (as the key components of a romantic relationship) are the same key components of our childhood relationship with our parents. If we have attachment wounds from that period, those will get triggered in our adult romantic relationships.
For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.
Yes you put it in the right words. We did take it like a āprojectā.
Kind of yes because I noticed that I always loved hard. I havenāt been taught to love in a soft way.
Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?
Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?
TeeParticipantHi Adam,
good to hear from you! And thank you for your kind words. Yeah, I’m still struggling with my health, which is a bummer, but I am learning to see it from a different, more hopeful perspective. So I am training myself to think positively š
I am very happy the relationship is still going well and you feel much better than in your previous relationships. And that you feel relaxed with her – does it mean you are not putting pressure on each other, and you don’t feel like not being good enough or anything like that?
Both on the same page.
Good to hear that too. Does it mean she too is interested in a long-term, committed relationship?
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Haha you know me well thatās actually what I did!
Fantastic! I like that you did celebrate it and felt good about it (and about yourself), at least for a short while before starting planning and worrying about the next steps š
Yes Iām trying but my mind is already planning like look now try to do this first, fix that thing and after that do another. like I have to manage my finances, travel planning and also learning new things about sustainability. and just generally my mind is being very doubtful about if Iāll be able to do those things.
This sounds like the push-push-push drive in you, expecting faster and better from yourself, and then being doubtful that you’ll be able to do it. It’s like the strict/demanding parent sets high expectations and then you – the victim, i.e. the inner child – start feeling bad about yourself for not being able to accomplish those. For not being good enough. To me, it sounds a little bit like the dynamic you had with your father, doesn’t it?
I mean, it’s okay to plan and think about what needs to be done next, but if you approach it with this pressure and already feeling like a failure (my mind is being very doubtful about if Iāll be able to do those things), you are in the “I am not good enough” mindset. “I am a failure” mindset. And the inner critic has stolen your success!
Because although you’ve scored big time (you’ve just landed your dream job!), the inner critic is telling you you’re going to fail, even if this is now a success. The inner critic is taking away your success…
There is a saying in the Bible “Let no man take your crown”. Your inner critic is trying to take away your crown: your victory, your success, your achievements…. Please be aware of that, be aware of this tendency to minimize your successes and achievements, and to criticize yourself for not achieving even more.
I’ll reply about relationships in a separate post…
TeeParticipantHi Beni,
Itās kinda as soon as Iām out of sync with my being whatever I do feels painful or tense. Thereās no lightness. If Iām in touch pain is not so painful itās rather light pain or sweet pain.
Is it only related to physical pain (you mentioned sweet pain after you fall), or in general, in your life, when you are out of sync with your being, that you feel emotionally tense and heavy (no lightness)?
Aha, I think I understand. Basically to reach our inner worldly life goals.
Yes, to reach the goals which are aligned with my inner being, with who I am. Not someone else’s goals, but my own.
Somebody once told me we canāt do anything but pray. Which I understand as, we canāt do anything conscious but talk to our subconscious. I think and feel itās a healthy perspective to act out of.
What do you think about this approach?
I feel that to pray about it is an aspect of it. You mean to pray for the resolution of our blocks, or to pray for strength, right?
Talking to our subconscious is another aspect of solving the problem, and I think it’s different than praying. Our subconscious is our inner child, so getting in touch with our inner child is definitely an aspect of healing/resolvingĀ blocks. This also includes figuring out of false core beliefs, which might prevent us from going after our goals and dreams. These false core beliefs are also a part of our subconscious, i.e. our inner child’s thinking.
So definitely, becoming aware of our subconscious thoughts and beliefs is a must for moving forward.
And another big part of solving the problem is the plan of action – daily activities to support our goal. This is what actually brings us closer to our goal. Talking about it and understanding it is not enough. We need action.
This last bit is what has been missing from my life so far. I’ve uncovered my false beliefs (some major ones during the course of last year, while battling with my back pain), and now it’s action time. So this will be my challenge for this year – to finally make steps that bring me closer to my goal.
March 6, 2024 at 12:54 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #428433TeeParticipantDear Dafne,
thank you so much for your kind kind words. They touched me a lot! <3 (I’d put a heart emoji here, but don’t know how too…)
I think it’s a wonderful idea to volunteer for a dog shelter! Those dogs need a kind and loving spirit like you <3
One lady at a shelter told that most dogs suffered a lot in their childhood and still after many year are very fearful, needy for love but distant at the same time. They donāt trust easily. The amazing thing is that we have so much in common with them but do not even realise it.
Yeah, I can imagine a lot of dogs in a shelter didn’t have happy lives, or maybe they have, but once their owner passed away, the ended up alone and abandoned. It’s a labor of love to go there and care for them, even though it’s far from where you live.
I always thought that animal lovers are good people and there is no way that they canāt share their love with others. Or if a man loves his kids from previous marriage, he will also love and take care of the new women in his life. It is not true. And the irony is that my father has dogs and knows how to take care of them but doesnāt know how to love his own daughter.
Yes, I’ve heard of examples of quite selfish people who on the contrary are very soft and loving with their dogs. The dog is pampered and even spoiled, while the person’s own children don’t get even near as much love and attention.
I once saw a video by Dr Ramani, an expert on narcissism, explaining why it is that narcissists can be nice to their pets, even as they are mean to people (it’s on youtube, the title is: Can narcissists be nice to their pets?). She is saying that dogs are very loyal creatures, who don’t need much care and attention to be happy and devoted. So it’s a good “investment” for a narcissist – to get adoration and devotion (which they crave for), with a relatively low effort.
I never asked him for anything all my live (maybe only for a doll house when I was a little girl that he promised to buy but never did). And recently I asked for sending me some of his documents, which he never delivered to me as apparently he lost them or has no time as always. Now I canāt move on in life because the offices need the papers from father and wonāt help me.
I am so sorry your father is so mean, Dafne. He is not only super selfish and heartless, but seems he is also vindictive, because he doesn’t want to give you important documents, I guess because you told him some things he didn’t like to hear. Narcissists are like that – they like to hold a grudge and be petty, just because you are not “adoring” him the way he would want to be adored.
He already told me that he wonāt come to the wedding if I ever get married (reasons: probably the man I marry will want his house or some land etc. or that he doesnāt like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). I had a chance to get married young so now it would be embarrassing for him to come
Anyways, he thinks that it is too late to find someone to marry me nowā¦
More hurtful, cruel remarks coming from his mouth… He is belittling you, insulting you, telling you you are too old to get married. And that you don’t deserve his time and effort (he doesnāt like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). And that you are an embarrassment to him (it would be embarrassing for him to come).
This is sooooo hurtful, so cruel and so mean, Dafne. This man has a heart of stone. He probably enjoys to hurt you and see you suffer š
I think Iām not going to ask him for anything anymore but at the same time keeping in touch is more hurtful than not.
Itās just too painful for me to even think about talking to him.
Please don’t keep in touch with him any more. Every time you talk to him it’s like getting a dagger in your heart. Or drinking poison. He is emotionally abusing you. Please stay away from his abuse and his toxicity. You can’t get anything good from him, the only thing you can get from him is more abuse and more toxicity. Please protect yourself from that.
What if my future husband asks about the father? And what if he wants to see him before marrying me? I know that my father wonāt invite any man to his house.
I think you need to first process and grieve the fact that this man, even though he is your biological father, doesn’t behave like a father. He doesn’t love you and he likes to inflict pain upon you. He is a very cruel man. He is the kind of man you don’t want to deal with at all.
And you don’t want to invite him to your wedding either. Because he couldn’t be happy for you. A parent should be happy when their child gets married, but your father already found the reasons not to come to your wedding! And he insulted you in the process.
Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?
Well, you have been emotionally injured by this man. Your “daddy issues” are legitimate, after everything you’ve been through with him. He first abandoned and neglected you when you were a child, and now, when he is back in your life, he is cruel and vindictive. You never got anything good and positive from him. You need to heal from the pain he inflicted upon you.
As part of your healing, you’d need to stop believing his words (e.g. that you are too old, that no one will want you, that you are an embarrassment.) You need to stop believing EVERYTHING that comes from his mouth. Because it is poison, it is simply not true.
No wonder it is painful for you to even think to talk to him again…. So, don’t talk to him, and reject (in your mind) everything cruel and demeaning that he said about you.
Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?
If you come to a point of seriously dating someone, and talking about deeper issues (including each other’s past), and you feel you can trust this man, then you can share about your childhood and explain why you have distanced yourself from your father. I mean, that would be the best: to distance yourself from your father and to heal enough to not feel bad and broken about it.
In that scenario, you would be able to talk more calmly about your father, without putting a pressure on your partner to be a surrogate father for you. As I mentioned in my last post: you would be able to have healthy needs and healthy boundaries.
But the first thing you’d need to do is set a boundary with your father. And I think the best boundary in this case is no contact. Because everything else leads to pain. It’s too hurtful, and it would be hurtful for anybody. So it’s not that you are too sensitive, but your father is a cruel man. So my suggestion is to go no contact with him.
Tee, I will take all your advice to my hear and continue my healing day by day. And if someone asks for a date, I will explain that for the moment Iām looking only for a friendship that at some point may lead to more but not now. Is that what you would say Tee?
Yes, I think it’s a good approach. Because right now, you are too vulnerable for a relationship. You’d need to learn to love yourself some more before letting someone else love you. And you need to learn how to protect yourself from abuse (primarily your father’s abuse) and set a boundary there.
You also need to reject your father’s false, negative view of you, and adopt a healthy, positive self-image. Only then will you be ready to attract a partner who will respect you and see you in a positive light.
So I’d say take it slow with dating, and focus on healing, on learning to love yourself more and more every day…
Big hug and best wishes to you too! <3
TeeParticipantDear Peace,
Sorry to hear that you didn’t manage to pass your exams. But I am glad it didn’t discourage you and that you will try again!
As for your siblings, I am sorry to hear it, but unfortunately it’s not anything new ā they have been behaving abhorrently for a very long time. Blaming, guilt tripping, threatening, accusing, extracting money from you, trying to control you and coerce you into doing what they want, “spiced up” with loads of emotional blackmail ā that’s what your siblings have unfortunately been doing to you.
And I understand why it hurts so much. I guess a part of it is that you indeed saw them (specially your oldest sister) as parental figures:
I realize that maybe I saw my older siblings as parental figures because my father was not around when I was young. I looked to them for love, support, and protection, much like a child looks to a father.
You wanted love and protection, support and validation from them. You wanted them to be proud of you, right? But what you received instead is their condemnation, despise and disapproval. You were told you are an embarrassment to them. You were also made into their scapegoat ā they are accusing you of not solving the problems that they as adult people should be solving for themselves.
As you say, they treat you like a villain (I am the villain of everyones story).
That’s a horrible message to get, a totally unfair and baseless message. A toxic message, coming from very self-absorbed and greedy people, who have zero empathy and zero consideration for you.
But I understand that it still hurts, because they are your parental figures, and we look for validation from our parental figures. They mirror us our own worth. Our own lovability. And if they reject us, if they tell us we are no good and we’ve failed them ā then of course we’ll feel horrible. We’ll believe it is our fault. We’ll believe that we are indeed unlovable, undesirable, and unworthy.
And so I guess a part of you (the child part of you) believes their opinion of you. The little girl in you still seeks their approval…Would you agree with that?
If you want to be less affected by their treatment of you, I think you’ll need to stop seeing them as parental figures and stop seeking approval from them. Because how they see you is not who you really are. What they believe about you doesn’t reflect your true worth. Their image and opinion of you is warped. It reflects who they are, not who you are.
So you’d need to reject that – reject the entire narrative that there is something wrong with you, that you’re not helping them enough, that you have betrayed them, let them down etc etc. Reject all that, and accept that you are a good, caring and compassionate person, who helped them a lot, but they were never grateful for that, and no matter what you give, it will never be good enough.
You’d need to accept, and perhaps grieve too, that they don’t see your worth. But also, it’s not the end of the world, because you see your own worth, and your husband sees it too (and we too on the forum see your worth). You’ve got people in your life who see your worth, and you don’t need your siblings to validate you.
They aren’t even capable of that, in their current (self-absorbed) state of mind. The more you can embrace your own worth in spite of what they think of you ā the happier you will be…
How does this sound to you?
TeeParticipantHey Beni,
Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.
I understand. Would you like to say a bit more about this pain? (only if you want to share)
I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.
For me, inner power is the ability to achieve what I want, to reach my goals (mostly career related), and to keep working towards it, in spite of obstacles. I get discouraged very easily and don’t have that persistence and commitment to see it through.
But inner power can include many other things, like standing up for yourself (which you mentioned), assertiveness, setting boundaries etc. But for me, it’s mostly the desire to achieve more and have a sense of accomplishment with regard to my career.
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
here is the part about relationships…
Well itās not like we were in relationship to begin withā¦
right, you were in the FWB arrangement. That too is a relationship, only without commitments. That suited you, although you were open and honest about your intentions – you weren’t leading her astray or promising any future together. And she agreed, at least for a while…
I was already trying to detach myself and spend much less time with her
What prompted you to do that?
and then she got promoted and she had a choice of two cities and she chose another city. But weāre still in touch. We talk sometimes. And when she was in the city few weeks, we did spend some time together.
Are you still FWB, if I may ask?
In your November post, you wrote:
Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like Iām trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I donāt think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that Iām not getting any younger
To which I responded a few days ago:
Would to ālet looseā mean to get āmadlyā in love, which means youād become too distracted and not able to function properly? It seems you believe that if you fall in love, youāll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and theyāll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could that be it?
What do you think about the above?
You also said something interesting:
I do trust her. But somehow Iām still not trusting in this relationship working out with her.
If you actually trusted her (trusted her commitment, her intentions, and that she wouldn’t want to hurt you), then I guess you didn’t trust yourself that you were able stay in the relationship. Or you actually didn’t want to stay in the relationship, even if there was nothing wrong with her, right? And that would be fear of relationships in general. As in: nothing is wrong with the girl, but you still don’t want it. At least this is what I’m hearing…
And that’s how fear works: it is irrational, it’s not based on our current reality, but on our old wounding. And it overpowers us…
Yes youāre right but the thing is career is like a important for financial security so obviously Iām gonna give priority to that.
I hear what you’re saying, but it actually carries in itself a false belief: that if you focus on your career, you can’t be in a committed relationship. That those two are mutually exclusive. That love and career don’t mix, i.e. that they are in competition with each other. If that were true, then married people, or people in committed relationships, wouldn’t be able to have successful careers at all.
And just few days ago one of my friend told me something that really struck me. So when I moved to new place even there this stray cat started coming and I started feeding but itās been more than 2 months and my friend asked me what did you named her?? I was like why name?? And then she was like youāre so scared of attachment youāre not giving cat a name! Iām not telling you possess her. Youāre way into detachment.
And then I was thinking Iām practicing detachment because I have a fear of getting attached or itās something else?
But you did get more easily attached to cats than to people in the past, right? If I remember well, there was a stray cat that became quite attached to you (and vice versa), but she died unfortunately. And then there was another cat (a neighbour’s cat?), that you started feeding, right? So I am not sure if not naming a stray cat, or a neighbor’s cat, is a sign of attachment issues.
But in romantic relationships, e.g. with this last girl, I guess you didn’t want to get attached. For example, you didn’t want to let her say to you that she loves you. All that was driven by this fear of getting attached and then… losing something, I guess. Losing your freedom, your independence, you career prospects…
Actually, it might be a good exercise to journal about this: “If I fall in love, then….” Write down everything that comes to mind. What would you lose, or what kind of setbacks you believe you would experience if you fell in love. Maybe it will help you to get to the bottom of your fear…
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Ohh Thanks Iām glad! You were and are still helping me throughout my mental health so at least Iām able to help a little haha
Yes, you are. You’ve been a steady supporter of mine, as well. So I thank you too!
I understand but I think if youāll fight with both it wonāt be that effective imo. So what do you think what would happen if you only have choice to focus on one thing instead of both?
Actually, I’ve been battling my health battle last year mostly. It was tough, but I’ve learned a lot about myself (including that I have health anxiety and how to manage it). So I am much more aware now of the various distractions that can keep me from focusing on my career and reaching my goals. So I hope I can stay more on track, even while still dealing with health issues as needed.
I know right itās like that underlying pain. And then that smile we trying to have feels kind of less genuine.
Ah yes, your bright smile that you show for your mom… Yeah, you had to hide your pain a lot, you needed to pretend that you were fine, otherwise your mom would worry, right?
Come to think about it, that’s probably one of your core beliefs: “I can’t show my weakness.” And I think it’s both because of your strict, judgmental father, and because of your worrying mother. You didn’t want to show your pain and your weakness to either of them…. Would you agree with that?
Thanks for sharing Iāll watch it and let you know.
You’re welcome. Yeah please do if you find the time, it’s pretty eye opening…
Yes I agree with that and thanks for that reminder again. I need to write this down again because apparently I do need this same reminder repeatedly time to time.
Yes! Youāre right thatās why one of the reasons Iām using LinkedIn much less than before. Mainly for communication and network building. Because it would give me that āranking listā pressure even more
Great! Glad that you’re using LinkedIn less nowadays, and for a very specific purpose, not to compare yourself to others. Some people get that pressure from Facebook too, like watching other people’s seemingly perfect lives and achievements, and feeling bad about themselves.
And yes, you can even right it down, perhaps a little reminder like: “Integrity is the name of my game. Comparison – go home”. Or anything that sounds motivating to you š
I guess one way or another subconsciously I am comparing myself with others and I agree and āliving in accordance to your true valuesā I did journal about this quite a while ago and I put lot of thought into that but so many things came up yet I still wrote it down. So I believe (not 100% sure) that my core values are Freedom, Simplicity, Honesty and Altruismā¦with added Open mindedness, Adventure, Wisdom, Faith and Inner peace. But how can I be sure what are my true values?
Hmmm…. because you were journaling about it? It came from within you, not from some outer source. It feels like these values are really yours, they are not something that “sounds good” but doesn’t have a deeper value for you.
And I can also see that here, on your thread, you’re actually behaving according to those values, e.g. you are very honest and open, you speak openly about your issues and struggles. You are very open-minded, willing to examine various concepts and ideas, and go there where in the beginning you were afraid to go (like the concept of inner child š ).
You are also altruistic because I feel you genuinely care about other people, e.g. you inquired about me, even after I’ve “ghosted” you twice (again I apologize for that).
Adventure and Freedom is something you have been living your whole life, and want to keep living, so I don’t need to explain that… š
So yeah, I can see that you are living many of those values already… which means your are in touch with your true self, and indeed, you’ve got a lot of Integrity!
Well, Healthwise Iām doing alright but last week when I went for donate my blood, they gave me this report and told me that I have to gain my weight and hemoglobin %
Oh you’re iron deficient? They say to eat blueberries if one is iron deficient…
And Idk whatās happening, because Iām rarely eating out and 99% of the time Iām having home cooked meals mostly full of green vegetables curries.
Yeah, that’s strange, if you eat well and healthy. Your blood work is good otherwise, right? How about your thyroid?
How about you? In your condition healthy food can make a difference?
No, not really. I mean, it’s good to eat food rich in Omega 3 acids, because that’s allegedly good for the spine health. And I take supplements for my knee cartilage. But other than that, normal balanced diet is recommended, nothing special.
I’ll reply about the relationship and attachment part in a separate post…
TeeParticipantHey Beni,
you are welcome!
Yes, I actually bought a supplement once I read it from you and noticed that the Magnesium I take has it too.
Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?
Thereās one thing I think about. I think it can be psychosomatic too. There is this saying in german:āShe/He has no backboneā. Itās when someone does not standup for himself.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. Because with this condition, I definitely feel like I have no power (no physical power), or that it is very limited. I can’t lift, vacuum clean, push anything heavy etc. And I can relate this to having not enough power (inner power) in certain areas of my life. Also, I can relate it to lack of resilience – because a relatively mild movement caused such a big injury/disability in my life.
So yeah, this condition definitely mirrors my psychological condition too. A part of my healing was to realize I am not that helpless and fragile as I thought I was, i.e. that I am more resilient than I thought I was. And it helped me deal with those flare-ups, because I’ve realized that I will be okay in a few days. That I am able to bounce back to my default, low-level pain.
So that’s the resilience part. The lack of inner strength part is something I am still working on. That’s where I need to toughen up and do certain things that I am postponing.
So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself. This is what my being is prioritizing more than doing exercises it seems to be the most important as soon I get the basic needs met.
Yeah, it does seem that healing involves not only physical but also psychological healing. This injury made me aware of some of the fears and false beliefs that I wasn’t even aware of. And it mirrored (and magnified) the limitations I had, which I now needĀ to work on. But for me, physical exercise and daily walks are still a must, because if I don’t do them, my pain gets worse.
But maybe, as I can hopefully start dissolving those blocks and weaknesses that I have, perhaps my back will feel better too. I certainly hope so! That would be amazing – if I could get unstuck psychologically, and at the same time get significantly better physically, with regard to my back. That would be a miracle that I need in my life! š But I also know it won’t just happen on its own, I need to work on it, I need to work on those obstacles that keep me from having power in my life.
So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself.
For you, it could be that reconnecting to yourself and your true needs (and meeting them, rather than sacrificing them for the sake of others) is what you need the most at this point. For me, it is connecting to my inner power. For you, it might be reconnecting to your body, your intuition, your inner voice?
And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?
TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Iām really happy because I finally got the job! And in sustainability sector, Something that Iām passionate about, And fully remote, and very well paid!
Iām just really grateful!!!Yaaaaay! I am so happy for you!!! It sounds like your dream job: the field you are passionate about, fully remote (as you wanted), and well paid. That’s amazing, SereneWolf. Well done!!!
Although because itās been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so Iām not able to celebrate it with all my senses!
I understand that the wait and the rejections you’ve experienced (I know about one – were there more?) were exhausting and wearing you down, making you doubt yourself and all that. But you did it after all! It was worth the wait!!
I hope you can relax now and take it all in, and properly celebrate. Give yourself a big pat at on the back, like a good father, or Uncle Iroh, would give to his young protege after a job well done. You’ve deserved it, SereneWolf, and you can be proud of yourself.
I remember you mentioned that you love to dance while preparing meals… so here is an idea for celebration: make yourself a nice, healthy meal, put on some music and dance while cooking! š
And enjoy!
I’ll respond to the rest a bit later…
Have a good day!
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