Dear Ishita,

If you want I can tell you when exactly all this began or atleast I ll try to

yes please do, I think it’s important to know when and in what context it began. You wrote that the anxiety around your studies and your performance began when you were around 17, during your entrance preparation training, when you couldn’t perform well due to a fierce competition, bullying by your batch mates, and lack of support by your teachers and coaches.

What seems to me so far is that as a child, you were rather withdrawn and anxious and didn’t have many close friends (I have always felt that I am someone who is an extremely anxious person and I feel I am a difficult person as well because I dont easily make close friends although I have a lot of just friends. )

But school was your forte, you excelled at school and it was a source of pride and self-confidence for you (this used to define me, being the smartest kid in the class, being really fast).

When you experienced problems with your studies at 17, you lost the main source of self-confidence: you being a good student, excelling academically. Without it, you started feeling lost, you didn’t know who you are and what you want any more:

since the past two to three years I have been finding it very hard to see things clearly . Honestly, if not X, I always require someone or the other to make me see the solutions of anything that tenses me, in a clearer way at times.

You lost confidence in yourself as an excellent student. And with that, you lost confidence in yourself altogether. Do you think this is accurate?

If so, it would mean that in the past, you based your self-worth and self-esteem on your academic performance, and with that threatened, you feel worthless, and not special. Would that be accurate?

X made you feel special again, not for your academic performance but for you as a person (or so you believed). Perhaps you’ve never really felt special before for simply being you? This was the first time, and that’s why it hurts so much?

Dear Bob256,

if your friendship went downhill and “toxicity started to spread” since you’ve broken up, it most probably means there’s a resentment about the breakup, either on her side or on both sides. If you noticed she’s started being rude to you, that would be the sign that she resents you about something. Do you think that’s possible? How about you – do you resent her about something?

Dear Javier,

thank you for wishing good health to my husband. I hope that vaccine will be efficient and keep at bay potential new variants as well.

I’m sleep walking through life, and I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.

I’m so glad you have the intention and the desire to start living. You’ve been sleep walking because you’ve been running away from pain, and no wonder, because you had a very traumatic childhood. Please don’t blame yourself. Most of us keep running away till we’re forced to face it – by some crisis, like it happened to you. It’s in human nature. But now is the chance to face it – to face the pain, understand it and heal it — and move forward. That’s the silver lining of each crisis…

I root for you to keep walking on that path. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s extremely rewarding to find your true self, to live fully… It seems you’re already making the first steps, Javier, and that’s really beautiful.

Dear Javier,

I am glad you’re looking into somatic therapy – it should be able to help. Wish you too find a good match!

Thank you for your kind words, Javier. I am by nature a very anxious person, have been suffering from separation anxiety all my life (I think it has to do with the fact that I was left at my granny’s when I was about 1.5 years old and stayed there for 9 months, with only a few visits by my parents during that time). I’ve also suffered from low self-esteem and feeling not good enough. By working on myself, alone and in therapy, for many years, I’ve managed to mostly conquer my shame and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

With fear, it’s trickier, and specially covid was a big trigger for me, because my husband has a chronic lung condition and was in a greater danger… the last year, in fact all the way till the vaccination it was very stressful. Now it’s better in that aspect. But there’s always something to worry about – I easily get into the mindset of worrying. I need to consciously remind myself that things aren’t that bad as I imagine them to be. And I pray to God. But there are still challenges in my life, mostly health challenges, which often want to take away my happiness. I need to focus on the present moment and on the things that are good, not on those that aren’t working.

I am not super happy and full of life, exactly because of those health challenges. But I am pushing ahead, trying to do things I love doing, still managing to enjoy many things in life. There’s no other way, because otherwise I could descend into depression by focusing on what’s not working. The greatest point of strength for me is to know that I am not helpless (I used to feel helpless before starting to work on myself – it was my inner child who felt helpless). There’s always something I can do to help myself, to get unstuck.

I think that’s probably the greatest gains of therapy – to free yourself from the sense of helplessness and pitying yourself. To know that you’re an active subject in your life, not a passive bystander and a victim. You sometimes fall, you feel awful and sad, but then in the next moment, or the next day, you pick yourself up and keep going… you don’t stay on the ground, in the dust…

Anyway, this is what comes to mind so far… does it answer your questions?

Dear Javier,

sermons and audiobooks probably serve a double purpose for you – they calm your nervous system down, and they also give you guidance and inspiration. You had neither during your childhood – neither peace and calm, nor a good role model to give you guidance.

At one moment, I feel there is hope and I can heal myself and relieve the pain. But the very next moment, everything looks grim and literally the end of the road.

Right. You might be able to help yourself to a point, by soothing and comforting yourself, but it’s probably not enough. Probably you’d need a therapist, and best would be somatic therapy, which Katie suggested earlier.

You said you had a bad experience with therapy. Could it be because the therapist didn’t help you calm down your nervous system? If if twas CBT, it would have been quite rational, working with the mind, but not on the body level, which you very much need. If you’d work with a somatic therapist, you could avoid this trap.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ishita,

I am fine, thanks.

I have always been an emotionally sensitive person, so it might have something to do with my relations with everybody around me in my childhood

Would you like to expand on that? As emotionally sensitive, did you feel different than your sisters and in need of special attention or special treatment?

Dear Javier,

you’re welcome, and I’m glad you liked Ave Maria and added it to your iPod. It seems listening to sermons and audiobooks was your way to soothe yourself in this past year, since having been hit with illness and unemployment. These new, unwanted life circumstances probably pushed you back to your childhood and activated the old survival trauma,  that you experienced as a child. Covid was a trigger but it could be that the symptoms persist because of that trauma, which is stored in your nervous system.

I’ve found a text about children who witnessed domestic violence. It says “when children witness violence, it heightens their arousal system while causing their soothing systems to be underdeveloped.” You as a baby witnessed violence that your father inflicted upon your mother, and later you were a victim of your father’s abuse yourself.

Your autonomic nervous system is in a constant state of arousal and hyper-vigilance. That’s because its sympathetic branch (the one responsible for action and fight-or-flight responses) works non-stop, in overdrive. While the parasympathetic branch (which is responsible for resting and digesting) is underused and underdeveloped.

In that same article, music is suggested as a soothing activity, so I think listening to soothing music and lullabies should help.  Sermons and audiobooks probably have a similar effect on you – it’s almost like an adult reading a good-night story to a child, with a calm, comforting voice. Do you feel this could be why you like it so much?

So it seems you’ve already being soothing yourself to the best of your ability, and now you just need to expand it and do it more consciously and intentionally. This is your inner child that you’re soothing and helping him develop the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system. I believe it would also help to visualize a safe, calm atmosphere, like being held in mother’s arms (if not your own mother’s arms, then in Divine Mother’s arms). Do you think you would be up for such a visualization?

And lastly, you’re right – comparing yourself with others is a recipe for disaster. We all have a unique life story and a unique task in this world. It’s completely fruitless to compare ourselves with others. Our goal is to focus on ourselves and our own growth and healing, and living more and more from our true self.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

how’s your sleeping nowadays? Can you fall asleep and stay asleep at night? Because that might contribute to your feeling depressed in the morning. In order to fall asleep better, you can try listening to lullabies (I suggested one in an earlier post), or similar soothing music. With better sleep, you should have more energy and be in a better mood in the morning…